-
Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Unspecified
Unspecified
-
It takes but a little effort on one's own part to elevate any sport or pastime into something more weighty and intellectual — the costumes or uniforms one may wear, the equipment one utilizes, the toiletry products one liberally applies and, most important of all: the language one uses. With the power of the spoken word, one can increase the respectability of even the lowliest, scum-sucking, dirt-snuffling, faeces-ridden, debauch-fest.
Consider the case of 'Foxy Boxing' (just an coincident example I plucked from the AEther), whereupon ladies of a generously-bosomed nature engage in mock-Pugilism with pumpkin-sized gloves. This softly pornographic exercise would become an Olympic event overnight, if only the buxom protagonists acted in a manner such as the example that follows:
Referee:
(in a dirty suit with food stains on his tie. His 'flies' are undone and a piece of nicotine-stained shirt pokes out of it)
Heena Raid Cowna - Juuuuuuuuugs McCready !
(rowdy applause)
Anna heen a Blue Cowna - Brrrrrrrrrr-enda Boooooooobs
(more rowdy applause)
Jennifer 'Jugs' McCready:
(to her top-heavy opponent)
Prithy, fair Lady Brenda of Cleavage, raisest thou thine be-gloved hands and prepare for an sound thrashing.
Brenda Boobs:
(skipping from foot to foot)
Thou and whost Army, stout Jenny? Comst thou hither if thou thinketh thine nature is hard enough!
Jennifer 'Jugs' McCready:
(angered)
To whom ist thou addressing th'insult 'stout', knavish slut?
Brenda Boobs:
Why to thee, thou lumpen harpie — facest thou the truth, buster, tis a brace of 'tyres spare' that thou sportest around thine ample equator!
Jennifer 'Jugs' McCready:
(attempting a swift right to the temple)
Look to thine own bulbous meridian, O raddled hag, and stitcheth this!
...and so on. I could tell that you, dear reader, were rapt at the exchange of flowery insults and insinuations — a fine illustration of the power of language! To this end, I would like today's lecture to consider, albeit in overview, possibilities for improving lingual communications during game-play; after all, if well-executed tongue can't relieve stress and bring a smile to the most staunch gamer's face, then nothing is going to pull it off - and then you end up in a sticky situation with egg on your face. And nobody wants THAT, do they?
So, let me start off the discussion by suggesting words and phrases to use at various points in your hobbyist evening.
Before the Games Begin:
Things to say:
- Halloo!
- Well met, brother (or sister, of course)
- Comst thou hither and let us conjoin in cerebral combat
- 'Ow do etc
Things not to say:
- Pull up a house-boy, sit yourself down
- Oh...you made it then?
- Pop your clothes off and meet me in the Laundry Room
- Didn't you get my cancellation text?
- Oh just f*ck off!
When Choosing a Game to Play:
Things to say:
- The world is your oyster: choose, choose...CHOOSE!
- I'm happy to play what everyone else wants to
- What do you recommend?
- Why don't we use Ted Alspachs new iPhone app: 'Game Repository'?
Things not to say:
- Why don't we use Ted Alspachs new iPhone app: 'Game Suppository'?
- My house, my rules! We're playing Pickomino for eight hours straight
- Monopoly it is, then!
- Anyone fancy 'Snuff Battlestar Galactica'?
When keeping the flow of the evening going
Things to say:
- Well play, sirrah / m'lady (delete as applicable)
- (gently, encouragingly) It's your turn, friend!
- Did you mean to do that? You can take it back if you wish
- What shall we play next?
- Does everyone have enough nibbles?
Things not to say:
- Did you mean to do that - are you mentally-ill?
- Point of order: I beat Kingmakers with a hammer
- I'm going to bed; see yourselves out
- Does everyone have enough nipple-clamps?
When Scoring
Things to say:
- It's not the winning, its the taking part
- Well done for improving your score on last time
- Ooh, a close finish!
Things not to say:
- Eat my dust, you f*cking ret*rds
- Don't bother scoring for second - only the winner counts!
- (knocking the board off the table) Oops!
- [EDITED] my [EDITED] and we'll call it a draw?
All contributions gratefully accepted / When I want your opinion I'll give it to you (delete as applicable)
|
|
