10 Games That Could Use A Sassy Gay Friend
Jason Beck
United States
Springfield
Virginia
Hail, hail, Robonia, a land I didn't make up
If you're a Cylon, I'd like to know.
-
Or: How I learned to stop worrying and love- oh hey girl heyyyyyy!
This geeklist is brought to you by The Bored Gaymer, BGG’s most popular blog featuring the terms "bored" and "gaymer" in the title.
In my last geeklist, I attempted to showcase the ten most shockingly heteronormative games here on the ‘Geek. In this one, however, I would like to discuss ten games here on BGG that could benefit from having a sassy gay friend.
As you know, we gays are widely coveted as friends for our abilities to put together outfits, steer people away from poor life choices, help people make poor life choices, throw out snappy comebacks, and determine whether or not those jeans make your ass look fat (sorry honey, they don’t- your fat ass makes your ass look fat).
But if humans can benefit from having gay friends (side note: We totes need to go shopping! You know who you are.), then why can’t board games benefit as well? I mean, that’s why we’re all here, right? Because board games are our friends? Look, you know it’s true, so whatever. Let’s move on.
-
Jason Beck
United States
Springfield
Virginia
Hail, hail, Robonia, a land I didn't make up
If you're a Cylon, I'd like to know.
-
Oh, honey. I want to like you, I really do.
When I first played Race for the Galaxy, I was all like, "Oh my gods, I totes love space, and I totes love card-based gaming systems, so I am totes mcgotes going to like this!" A few games later I was like, "Well, this is okay, I guess", and then a few more games after that I was like, "This is, like, multi-player solitaire, and if I wanted to play with myself I’d just-"
Well, anyway.
Sassy Gay Friend Recommendation: Hon, you need to learn how to play with others. Not everyone just wants to sit around and not talk to anyone around them. I mean, how else are you going to get a date with that hottie over there if all you’re doing is staring at a bunch of cards in front of you?
-
-
Jason Beck
United States
Springfield
Virginia
Hail, hail, Robonia, a land I didn't make up
If you're a Cylon, I'd like to know.
-
Babe, you had so much promise, but you just... you let me down.
I mean, like, a cooperative game, rich with theme? Count me in! But then we actually sat down to play, and it just, it took forever. I mean, like, so long! There are certainly things that I don’t mind doing for a long time, but this starts to feel like a chore after a while. It’s like, when you sit down to get coffee with someone and then they just want to talk about their boyfriend problems, and you’re like trying to be supportive and then three hours later you’re just like oh my goodness maybe he broke up with you because you’re so damn annoying!, right?
I know you’re trying, hon, I really do, but isn’t there a quicker way we can capture the paranoia and unmitigated horror of trying to keep the Elder Gods from driving you mad and then devouring the world? I feel like there is.
Sassy Gay Friend Recommendation: Let’s try to reel it back in here. You wanna talk, I wanna talk to you, but we’re on a limited schedule. Tighten it up. Give me the bullet points. No one’s gonna want to play with someone who can’t shut up.
-
-
Jason Beck
United States
Springfield
Virginia
Hail, hail, Robonia, a land I didn't make up
If you're a Cylon, I'd like to know.
-
Dominion is just, like, super fun, amirite? It’s an elegant system that plays quickly, but it still has plenty of, like, strategic depth and whatever. Plus, it has silver and gold, but it’s still not tacky. So Dominion is like that good friend you have, and you’re like, "Oh my gods, how are you pulling that outfit off I love it", but Dominion: Intrigue is her bratty little brother that you used to be able to ignore but who’s grown up to be kind of a total jerk-mobile, right?
But then it’s like, Intrigue is Dominion’s brother, so you can’t really tell her how you feel about him, but when you’re around him he’s such a jerk that he makes you act like a jerk, too, and you’re just like "This totes isn’t me you guys!", and you want to hang out with Dominion, but she doesn’t understand why you think her brother’s a jerk, so she keeps letting him tag along, and oh my gosh can we just go shopping without him for once?
Sassy Gay Friend Recommendation: Leave him at home.
-
-
Jason Beck
United States
Springfield
Virginia
Hail, hail, Robonia, a land I didn't make up
If you're a Cylon, I'd like to know.
-
7 Wonders, can we talk? You are, like, totes perfect right now. I don’t know why you think you need to have work done. I mean, I know you went on that Leaders diet and now you look bangin’, it’s true, but it’s one thing to go on a diet and it’s another to get a new nose. I’m worried the doctor just wants to send the insurance company a big ole bill. You look fine how you are. Promise!
Yes, yes, you know I’ll be there to support you all the way. Are you sure I can’t talk you out of this? I saw some of the sketches, and I’m really skeptical as to what they want to do to your Petra. It’s just, it seems kinda weird. Okay, okay, I’ll be more supportive. But you look great already.
Sassy Gay Friend Recommendation: I’ll be here for you, but if you change your mind and want to reverse the work, I’ll be here for you then, too.
-
-
Jason Beck
United States
Springfield
Virginia
Hail, hail, Robonia, a land I didn't make up
If you're a Cylon, I'd like to know.
-
Lunch Money, you know I love you, right? You’re great in so many situations, but sometimes I hesitate to bring you with me because you can be kind of... difficult. I mean, you’re lovely, it’s just that sometimes I can’t remember all there is to you, and I wish you’d just put the information I need right out there. I really love your artsy streak, but I could use a bit more, you know, data?
Sassy Gay Friend Recommendation: Maaaaakeoverrrrrrr! I found these totally great shoes and this shut-up-cute shirt that will just look great on you and really bring out your eyes. I know, I know, the shirt has a bunch of stuff written on it, but trust me, it’ll work.
-
-
6.
Board Game: Dixit
[Average Rating:7.50 Overall Rank:78]
Jason Beck
United States
Springfield
Virginia
Hail, hail, Robonia, a land I didn't make up
If you're a Cylon, I'd like to know.
-
Dixit, Dixit, Dixit. I know we’re not the best of friends, but I’m a little concerned about your drug problem. My birthday is in April and as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
But aside from that, I don’t really know how I feel about these parties you take me to. I mean, I don’t know anyone there and I just feel like you all have all these inside jokes and that I’m not really connecting with anyone or something. It’s weird.
Sassy Gay Friend Recommendation: Maybe I could take you to some parties with my friends from now on? I think you’ll like them, and then no one will feel left out.
-
-
7.
Board Game: Agricola
[Average Rating:8.25 Overall Rank:2]
Jason Beck
United States
Springfield
Virginia
Hail, hail, Robonia, a land I didn't make up
If you're a Cylon, I'd like to know.
-
Agricola, can we talk? We should talk. Let’s sit down.
I’m a little concerned about you and your future. As you know, it’s the 21st century. Are you sure about your future as a farmer? I know we don’t know each other very well, so maybe I’m overstepping my bounds here, but have you seen the economy out there? Farming’s a little… well, it’s a little boring. You need something flashier, something more modern, if you want to get a real job.
Sassy Gay Friend Recommendation: Farming is, like, so five minutes ago. Let’s find you a different job and some cute new clothes, mkay?
-
-
Jason Beck
United States
Springfield
Virginia
Hail, hail, Robonia, a land I didn't make up
If you're a Cylon, I'd like to know.
-
Oh, hey Settlers. I didn’t see you there.
What? No, no, I haven’t been ignoring your calls. Why would I do that?
No, sorry, I really don’t have time to do dinner tonight. Look, can we talk?
You know I love you, right? Because I do. I totes appreciate all you’ve done for me: opening my eyes to things I’d never seen before, taking me to cool parties, introducing me to all your awesome friends. I really do. But... can we maybe, like, take a break?
No, no, it’s not you, it’s me. I just... I need some alone time, I think. Time to re-charge, you know? It’s just that we’ve spent so much time together, and I don’t want us to get tired of each other, that’s all.
Sassy Gay Friend Recommendation: Don’t call me, I’ll call you.
-
-
Jason Beck
United States
Springfield
Virginia
Hail, hail, Robonia, a land I didn't make up
If you're a Cylon, I'd like to know.
-
Oh my gods, Risk?! Is that you? Shut. Up. I did not even recognize you. You look great!
It is crazy how long we have known each other, amirite? I know, I’m a little sad that we’ve drifted apart, too. Yeah, I’m with Twilight Imperium now. What? No, no, everything’s fine, I guess.
Gosh, you have changed. I know, right? So long! Yes, I totes saw your goth phase; somebody posted pictures of it on facebook. I’m glad you grew out of that.
What, tattoos? Why would you think you need tattoos? No, you totes look great right now, I swearzies. I mean, it’s just, I don’t really like tattoos in general. Nooo, I think you could pull them off. I mean, you look great, you definitely have the body-type to pull them off, it’s just... well, you can’t change them, you know? Do you have the designs picked out already?
Oh, these look... really good, actually!
Sassy Gay Friend Recommendation: Make sure you go to a great tattoo artist, because you don’t want to regret these. Have funzies!
-
-
Jason Beck
United States
Springfield
Virginia
Hail, hail, Robonia, a land I didn't make up
If you're a Cylon, I'd like to know.
-
Oh Battlestar, you know you’re my favorite, right? And I don’t say that to everyone. In fact, I only say it to you, and sometimes maybe to 7 Wonders when I’ve been drinking.
When I first met you, you were great. I loved you then (and I love you now!). But then, I’m not sure. You made some decisions and I stuck by you, even though it lost you some friends. I mean, if you want to hang out with Pegasus, that’s fine. Sometimes he irritates me, but mostly he’s pretty cool. But this Exodus guy? I just, hon, I don’t know. Are you sure about this? You know I’ll always love you, no matter what you do, but I need you to look at your life, look at your choices. Are you sure this is where you want to be?
I know maybe you don’t want to hear this, but I have some ideas. Just, you know, some suggestions and stuff. Maybe we could hang out with Exodus a little less? Also, I have a couple new places I want to go to with you.
Sassy Gay Friend Recommendation: I’ll always love you, but maybe we need to sit down and talk about your life plan a little.
-
-
|
|
for "totes mcgotes," which I've never heard before (hell, I'd never heard "totes" that way before), but still made me pee a little.
