Cake or death?: An Eddie Izzard geeklist
Denise Patterson-Monroe
United States
Carmel
Indiana
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26. Board Game: What Shall I Wear?: A Fashion Game for Girls [Average Rating:4.00 Unranked]
Nathan Morse
United States
Powell
Ohio
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[...]we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.
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27. Board Game: Walk the Dogs [Average Rating:6.23 Overall Rank:3072]
Constantine von Hoffman
United States
Boston
Massachusetts
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“But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!”

“Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.””
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28. Board Game: Eierlei [Average Rating:5.11 Unranked]
Nathan Morse
United States
Powell
Ohio
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'Cause Jesus - I do think - did exist, and he was - I think - a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it?
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29. Board Game: Stoner Fluxx [Average Rating:5.64 Overall Rank:7949]
Nathan Morse
United States
Powell
Ohio
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Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. OK, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.
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30. Board Game: Ca$h 'n Gun$ [Average Rating:6.71 Overall Rank:620]
Constantine von Hoffman
United States
Boston
Massachusetts
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“Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).”
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31. Board Game: Star Wars: Death Star [Average Rating:4.50 Unranked]
Rich Casiglio
United States
Ansonia
Connecticut
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There must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs. Inbetween battles where Darth Vader could just chill and go down...

"I will have the Penne Ala Ara Bianca!"

"You'll need a tray."

"Do you know who I am?"

"Do you know who I am?"

"This is not a game of who the f___ are you. For I am Vader! Darth Vader. Lord Vader. I could kill you with a single thought."

"Well you'll still need a tray."

"No I will not need a tray! I do not need a tray to kill you. I could kill you without a tray. I could kill you with the power of The Force for which is strong within me, even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed upon the canteen floor..."

"No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on."

"Oh I see, the food is hot. I'm sorry, I didn't realize. Haha. I thought you were challanging me to a fight to the death."
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32. Board Game: Dig! [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Nathan Morse
United States
Powell
Ohio
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And they always find in archeology “a series of small walls.” Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. “We’ve found a series of small walls, we’re very excited… I think this proves they had walls in olden days. They were very small, and… a series of small wall people.” And then someone comes along, very learned, with glasses, “Of course, the king and queen entertained here… 1,500 courtiers, and there were soldiers, 20,000 soldiers in this room, and elephants dancing hopscotch over there… A mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo, buttocks and aqueducts into a heater…” And you’re just watching, and going, “You’re making this up, mate! You’re just pointing at a series of small walls, going, ‘there, there… Tutankhamen playing banjo in there…’ Don’t know if it’s true.”
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33. Board Game: Modern Art [Average Rating:7.32 Overall Rank:184]
 
Nathan Morse
United States
Powell
Ohio
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Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist!

“I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?”

“Fido looks a bit weird.”
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34. Board Game: Spoons [Average Rating:5.25 Overall Rank:10689]
Nathan Morse
United States
Powell
Ohio
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"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon."
"Say five Hail Mary's and six Hello Dolly's!"
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35. Board Game: Risk [Average Rating:5.59 Overall Rank:9744]
Nick Paterni
United States
Mount Clemens
Michigan
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In the '30s, Hitler: Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War... Russian front not a good idea... Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid. Cause, you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't f---ing hold it. Australasia, that was the one. Australasia. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up.

--a personal favorite
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36. Board Game: Augsburg 1520 [Average Rating:6.49 Overall Rank:1462]
Nathan Morse
United States
Powell
Ohio
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[Regarding Martin Luther]
This bloke who pinned a note on a door, saying "Hang on a minute!" But in German, so: "Ein minuten bitte! Ich habe eine kleinen problemo avec diese religione!" He was from everywhere.
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37. Board Game: Hannibal: Rome and Carthage in The Second Punic War 219-202 B.C. [Average Rating:6.85 Unranked]
Nathan Morse
United States
Powell
Ohio
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"What? … The Carthaginians are attacking? God, I knew they'd do that. What? … They are attacking over the Alps? Damn, I knew they'd do that. What? … They're coming on Elephants? … Where'd they get the Elephants? There aren't any Elephants in Europe. This I got to see … Are you sure? … It's not just a typo mistake? Perhaps the Carthaginians are attacking over the alps and they are in their element? Kind of upbeat, you know. They're coming on f___ing elephants. Huh."
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38. Board Game: Crusades II [Average Rating:6.38 Overall Rank:6439]
Nathan Morse
United States
Powell
Ohio
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Yes, and the Crusades were, "We kill you in the name of Jesus!"
"Wait, we have Jesus too! He's a prophet in our religion! We kill you in the name of Jesus!"
"Do you? Well, we kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford!"
"No, he wasn't! He was from Judea! Dark-skinned man, such as we!"
"Look, it's just we've come all this way. Would you mind awfully if we hacked you to bits? Just for the press back home."
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39. Board Game: Star Trek Game [Average Rating:5.50 Unranked]
 
Nathan Morse
United States
Powell
Ohio
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Then they'd beam down to an oval of gravel with 6 big rocks in the back … every week. "Oh Captain, strong déjà-vu here." And they'd get out these machines:

Widly-we widly-we widly-we widly-we widly-we

"Captain, this entire planet is made of widly-we. And so are you Captain, and Chekov, and Sulu, and Uhura, and everything we've ever thought of is widly-we. I think this might just be a box with widly-we written on it."
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40. Board Game: Hive [Average Rating:7.36 Overall Rank:145]
David Brain
United Kingdom
London, UK
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Bees make honey! That's amazing. I mean, earwigs don't make chutney.
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41. Board Game: Name Game: The Celebrity Guessing Game [Average Rating:5.52 Unranked]
Play Games - Interact - Have Fun!
United States
California
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His name changed from Jerry Dorsey to Englbert Humperdink! I mean, I'd just like to be in the room when they were working that one through:

"Zinglebert Bambledack! Yingeebert Dangleban! Zanglebert Dingleback! Winglebert Humptiback! Slupbum Waller!"

"What?"

"All right, Kringlebert Fishtibuns! Steveibuns Buttrentrunden …"

"No, Jerry Dorsey! I like–"

"No, we can't … let's see, we have Zinglebert Bambledack, Dinglebert Wangledack, Slupbum Waller, Klingibum Fistlbars, Dinglebert Zambeldack, uh … Jerry Dorsey, Englerbert Humptiback, Zinglebert Bambledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Dinglebert Wingledank …"

"No, no, go back one!"
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42. Board Game: American Trivia Game: Spirit of the United States [Average Rating:4.00 Unranked]
Tamos Wolvar
Canada
Montreal
Quebec
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(Izzard as Sean Connery or James Mason impersonating JFK)

...Ich bin ein Berliner And the crowd went f---ing wild!

Trouble is, "Ich bin ein Berliner" means "I am a donut," and... This is true, and this is what he said, he said "I am a donut!" [...] He said "I am a donut" and they went wild! Because "Ich bin Berliner" is "I am a Berliner." But "Ich bin ein Berliner," is - that's the name of a donut they have there. And it's like going to Frankfurt:

"I am a Frankfurter!"
"Yeah, we've heard about that one, Jackie."

Hamburg - "I am a Hamburger, too!" Lucky he didn't do a tour of Germany, eh? "I am a Hamburger, a Frankfurter, and a donut." But the people in Berlin must've gone,

- "What did he say?"
- "He said he was a donut!"
- "I thought he said he was a donut too!"
- "So what does that mean?"
- "It's a slang! It's American! He's a donut!”

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43. Board Game: Robin Hood [Average Rating:5.47 Overall Rank:8990]
Tamos Wolvar
Canada
Montreal
Quebec
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(The American Robin Hood)
"Hi, I'm Robin Hood! Where is the Maid Mar-ayan?

"Maid Mar-ayan, come here
and let us kiss with tongues! We will shag against a tree."

The English Robin Hood -
"Marian? Cup of tea? Am I being too forward? Was I a bit too racy? Come to my treehouse. Linen tablecloth. Do you like it? Now, these are my etchings."
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44. Board Game: Ave Caesar [Average Rating:6.64 Overall Rank:830]
Tamos Wolvar
Canada
Montreal
Quebec
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- "I'm a centurion, toothbrush on the head. And this is our leader, Mister Dog"
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45. Board Game: The Man in the Moon [Average Rating:4.92 Unranked]
Tamos Wolvar
Canada
Montreal
Quebec
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(Neil Armstrong, landing on the moon...)
"A small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. A small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Don't get it wrong Neil. Don't f___ it up. Here we go: I'm a small man with a giant ..."

[...]

Because you've got to say something. You can't land on the moon say "Oh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"
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46. Board Game: Ark Extra Mix [Average Rating:6.56 Unranked] [Average Rating:6.56 Unranked]
Alexius Exfalso
United Kingdom
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So God said, “I will send a Flood, 40 days and 40 nights, and lots of umbrellas, but I will save two of everything, because it looks good on the seesaw floater. Two hippos…” (mimics motion) “Noah, stop what you’re doing and build me an Ark.” And Noah, who’s Sean Connery playing the role of Noah…

“I’m working on a speedboat at the moment. It’s much more exciting, a bigger engine in a speedboat, and you can shoot across the water like that…”

“No, Noah, I want an Ark; an Ark with a big room for poo.”

“Look, a speedboat would really kick ass, it will give great photos to the people in The Bible. We can get all the animals with long ears to sit along the side… it’d be f***ing excellent! Excellent photographs!”
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47. Board Game: U-Boat [Average Rating:6.35 Unranked]
Alexius Exfalso
United Kingdom
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So Satsumas are great, eating’s a piece of piss, but you can’t do it with an orange. You go, “You want a bit of orange? I’ve got… f***ing ‘ell! (mimes hammering on the orange to open it) Can’t f***ing… hell…” ‘Cause inside an orange- it’s like the film “Das Boot” in there! With Jürgen Prochnov going,

(German accent) “Don’t let them get in to the orange! It’s most important! Or the juice will get out, and it’ll not be good. They’re breaking in with fingers, depth charges! Let the peel come off only in small chunks!”

(mimes peeling orange with fingers) “Shit! Jesus Christ!”

(as Prochnov) “They’re breaking in! Push all the pips into bits they wouldn’t expect, that’ll do!” (mimes pushing pips around)

‘Cause it is! There’s no chance of someone eating an orange, going, “Hey!” (mimes choking on the bit due to a pip) “You’re very nice…” (chuckles) There’s not a chance of someone who speaks like that anyway…

So oranges can f*** off, that’s what I say! And pears can f*** off too!
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48. Board Game: Cat-opoly [Average Rating:4.06 Overall Rank:10690]
Alan Faller
United Kingdom
Brighton
East Sussex
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You stroke a dog, the dog goes, “oooooooo…” and cats go (drilling sound), because they’re drilling, aren’t they? That’s what they’re doing. They’re drilling, they drill for gold! They drill for oil, they drill for anything! Just for the love of drilling! When they’re behind your sofa, they’re just drilling. (mimes drilling) They’ve got goggles on, it’s okay! There’s a compressor over there… Your friends come and say,

“I think your cat’s drilling behind your sofa!”

“I don’t think so, that’s purring, that noise, isn’t it? Cat, are you drilling?”

And the cat hears this, whips off the goggles, (mimes coming from behind the sofa), “No, no… Drilling? No! No, I’m a cat! How would I know how to drill? That’s purring you’re thinking of, purring! Oh, yes, purring! Having a good ole purr back here… no drilling. No, no, okay… “ (mimes putting goggles back on and resuming drilling) Sometimes they drill 40, 50 feet, you know, just for the hell of it.
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49. Board Game: Scrabble [Average Rating:6.36 Overall Rank:1132]
Darrell Pavitt
United Kingdom
Unspecified
Unspecified
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2 more:

"Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."

and

"I had to go see a chiropractor in New York. And they're different from osteopaths because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though. "Chiropractor. Chiropractor. Ninety-three letters, 'chiropractor.'"
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50. Board Game: Barrel of Monkeys [Average Rating:3.68 Overall Rank:11159]
Roger Fawcett
United Kingdom
Northwich
Cheshire
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Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
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There's just one kind of favor I'll ask for you - you can see that my grave is kept clean
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Le singe est dans l'arbre
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