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BoardGameBlond jokes, Rules Lawyer jokes, FLGS jokes and other BGG-flavored jokes!
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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Jokes related to board gaming! Does 'pasting-on' a theme work on jokes? Let's find out!

I hope you enjoy and add some of your own!

(Some of them are real groaners! Sorry in advance!)
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1. Board Game: El Grande [Average Rating:7.84 Overall Rank:27]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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A BoardGameBlonde and a brunette are watching a podcast of a game of El Grande. It is a three player game, and it looks like Steve is going to win.

The board game blond says "I think another player is going to come back and win."
The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that Steve wins." The blonde thinks for a moment then
replies: "OK, you're on!" They watch for a few more minutes and sure enough, Steve wins the game.

The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her,
saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that I watched part of the podcast already and knew that he would win."

The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched it before, too, but I didn't think he would win twice in a row!"
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2. Board Game: Lost Cities [Average Rating:7.12 Overall Rank:259]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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Why does the BoardGameBlonde reject every other invitation to play her favorite two player game?

She heard that, statistically, you only win every other time you play.
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3. Board Game: Carcassonne [Average Rating:7.44 Overall Rank:108] [Average Rating:7.44 Unranked]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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Sitting down to a three-player game of Carcassonne, a BoardGame-Blonde and another player both grab the green meeples. "I always play green," says the other player. "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm playing green," says the board game blonde.

After a few minutes of this, the third player gets up and goes to get a drink. When he comes back the blond has a different color and the other player has green. "What happened?" the third player asks the green player. He answerers "I told her the green meeples score less points."
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4. Board Game: Axis & Allies [Average Rating:6.53 Overall Rank:972]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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A blonde once walked into a room where some friends were playing a full game of Axis & Allies. A BoardGameBlonde was playing the Russian side, and was being made fun of for trying to help the allies with a fleet of battleships. Russia was practically defenseless on land and was going to fall to Germany at any moment. The first blonde yelled, "You dummy, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I was playing Germany, I'd sail a whole fleet over to Moscow and teach you a lesson!"
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5. Board Game: Anti-Monopoly [Average Rating:3.67 Overall Rank:10953]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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A guy in an FLGS asks the guy next to him, "hey want to hear a joke about Monopoly players?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

The crazy old collector guy in the corner is a bit obsessed with Monopoly. The big guy behind me likes Monopoly. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us likes Monopoly. The owner is busy helping a customer. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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6. Board Game: Betrayal at House on the Hill [Average Rating:7.09 Overall Rank:332]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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Did you know a BoardGameBlonde was on the design team for Betrayal at House on the Hill?


The rest of the team didn't want him to do anything, but he kept asking for some way to help, so they let him design the 'underground lake' tile, thinking "how could he mess this one up?"
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7. Board Game: The Lawyers Game [Average Rating:5.00 Unranked]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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What do you have if you have 3 rules lawyers up to their necks in cardboard chits?


Not enough chits.
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8. Board Game: Zombie Plague: The Cellar [Average Rating:7.03 Unranked] [Average Rating:7.03 Unranked]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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What do you have if you have a bunch of rules lawyers over in your basement for game night?


A whine cellar.
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9. Board Game: Light Division [Average Rating:6.32 Overall Rank:7534]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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How many rules lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?


Just one, he holds the bulb and the rest of the world eventually gives in and revolves around him.
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10. Board Game: Carcassonne [Average Rating:7.44 Overall Rank:108] [Average Rating:7.44 Unranked]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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Two meeples are in the Carcassonne box. The first meeple turns to the second meeple and says "It's really dark in here!" The second meeple turns to the first meeple and says "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MEEPLE!!!"
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11. Board Game: Spit! [Average Rating:5.66 Overall Rank:8442]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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A man walks into an FLGS, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the store. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the store is empty except for this guy and the store owner. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the owner, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray Mountain Dew from my mouth into a glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The store owner thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The owner gets out a glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays Mountain Dew all over the store. He doesn't even touch the glass. When he finishes, the store owner looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $300 a piece that you'd let me come in here and spray Mountain Dew all over the store."
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12. Board Game: Random Violence [Average Rating:5.92 Unranked]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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The robber, the Bailiff, the Castillo, and Reiner Knizia walk into an FLGS.

The owner asks, "is this some kind of joke?"
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13. Board Game: Eye To Eye [Average Rating:6.50 Overall Rank:3801]
Aaron Tubb
United States
Fuquay Varina
NC
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A man walks into an FLGS picks up a few comics and things and asks how much it'll be. The store owner replies that it is twenty dollars. The guy says, "I'll bet you the twenty bucks double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The owner accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He then picks up a FFG big box game and few more things and asks for his bill again. The owner reports that his bill now is one hundred dollars. He bets the owner he can bite his other eye. The store owner accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
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14. Board Game: Johnny and the Toe-Sap Fungus [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Rick B
United States
Sunnyvale
CA
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A mushroom shows up at at BGG.CON. Aldie, at the registration table, says, "I'm sorry, but mushrooms aren't allowed in here." The mushroom says, "Oh, come on! I'm a fun guy."

Sorry I added this.
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15. Board Game: Pulling Strings [Average Rating:6.03 Unranked]
Rick B
United States
Sunnyvale
CA
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An old piece of string shows up at at BGG.CON. Aldie, at the registration table, says, "I'm sorry, but strings aren't allowed in here." The string hesitates. Aldie asks, "You are a piece of string, aren't you?" The string replies, "No! I'm a frayed knot."


Again, sorry.
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16. Board Game: Paladin [Average Rating:4.74 Overall Rank:10151]
jonathanWC
Japan
Sendai
Miyagi
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I don't know if this counts but yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that read:

I'm not a Geek. I'm a 13th level Paladin.
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17. Board Game: IQ [Average Rating:3.40 Unranked]
jonathanWC
Japan
Sendai
Miyagi
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Einstein arrives in heaven. A gamer approaches him and says, "I have an IQ of 145."

Einstein replies, "I look forward to playing go with you."

Another gamer approaches Einstein and says, "I have an IQ of 115."

"I will enjoy playing the various Gipf project games with you," responds Einstein.

A third gamer comes over and says, "My IQ is only 65."

"Mind if I be the racecar?" says Einstein.
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18. Board Game: TransAmerica [Average Rating:6.66 Overall Rank:699]
The Grouch
United States
Tucson
Arizona
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It turns out actor Roy Scheider is a gamer. After discovering BGG, Scheider decides to earn some GG towards an avatar and opts for the easy route - image uploading. Being savvy enough to realize that "cat in a game box" pictures almost always pass geek modders, he sets up to snap a picture of his fave feline in the TransAmerica box. Before he can snap the picture, his doorbell rings. While he's answering it, his terrible tabby gnaws and mauls the red train token. Scheider's furious about it and posts a rant to his blog. The next time he has Wil Wheaton over to game, Wil points to the furry fiend and says, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your choo-choo?"
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19. Board Game: Pirate's Cove [Average Rating:6.62 Overall Rank:758]
Dan
United States
Bountiful
Utah
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A young BGG with a wooden eye sat forlorn at the edges of a gaming CON. His few attempts to join a table had been met with a quick glance at his wooden eye, and an even quicker dismissal.

Soon he noticed a young lady also sitting out, and quickly noticed the probable reason, a wooden leg. Putting away his copy of Pirate's Cove to avoid any misunderstandings, he slowly worked up the courage to invite her to a game of Lost Cities.

"Would you be interested in a game of Lost Cities?" he inquired shyly.

She looked up, her face brightened as she replied, "Would I!"

"Pegleg!" he retorted, and stormed away.
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20. Board Game: Power Grid [Average Rating:8.00 Overall Rank:11]
Dick Hunt
United States
Ovid
Michigan
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"Hey, Joe, what was the name of that city in the Netherlands you just added to your network?"

"Utrecht!"

"Bless you! And the city?"
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21. Board Game: All My Ducks [Average Rating:4.00 Unranked]
Just call me Erik
United States
Waldorf
Maryland
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A Duck walks into a game store, goes up to the counter, and looks at the owner. The duck then proceeds to ask, "Do you have Clue?" The owner, disgusted, says "No, we don't have Clue, and we don't serve ducks. Now get out."

The next day the duck comes in and waddles up to the owner. he says "Do you have Trouble?" The owner says "No, we don't have Trouble and we don't serve Ducks. Now get out."

The next day after that, the duck returns. He walks up to the owner and says "Do you have Sorry?" The owner says "Listen, duck, we are a high-end game shop, not Toys-R-Us. We don't carry any mainstream games. Now get out and don't come back, or i'll nail your feet to the floor!" The duck waddles out.

The very next day, the duck returns. "Do you have any nails?" The owner, confused says "No, of course not, we're a game store." The Duck replies "Good! Do you have Life?"
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22. Board Game: LCR [Average Rating:2.89 Overall Rank:10975]
J.D. Berry
United States
Springfield
VA
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I knew this feller, he told me this, I don't know if it's true...

He said that one day he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said: "LCR DICE-POWERED CAR FOR SALE". He thought this was pretty odd, and he had plenty of time to screw off, so he decided to follow the signs to look at the LCR dice-powered car. He drove for about 5 miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him, "Hey! Is it true that you have a LCR dice-powered car for sale?" The old man assured him he did and the feller asked him if he could see it.

They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the double wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket. The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red Corvette. "1969, 396 Cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission", the old man said. The feller asked him if it was true that the car ran on LCR dice. And the old man went to the LCR dice tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it out it was covered with LCR dice. "Care to drive it?", he asked.

As the feller snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast. LCR dice have more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low on LCR dice, too, so don't go too far". This feller turned the key and that car fired up and it sounded like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger. He found first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and hit second gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The car felt wonderful! 110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was unbelieveable! He had covered 5 miles in under 3 minutes and all of a sudden the car shut off. He coasted to a stop and got out. To his fear, he was out of LCR dice. He started to walk.

Meanwhile, down the road...
A family had just finished supper. There was Dad, Mom, and two daughters, one home from college, the other in high school. Dad was telling Mom how good supper was and Mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she shouldn't have to wash the dishes. The oldest girl said that she couldn't do the dishes because she had a date and the other said she had homework to do and couldn't do the dishes. Dad said that he was the man of the house and he'll be damned if he did the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then Dad told everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who would wash the dishes then what they should do is go in the living room, sit down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They agreed and moved to the living room. They sat down and stared at each other, not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak. Silence filled the room.

There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man at the door saw the family throught the window. He knocked again but nobody answered. He walked in. "Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said...hey, food! Do you mind if I have some?" The stranger asked. Nobody said anything. So he went to the table and started eating. He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he could have some. Nobody said anything. He drank three or four beers and got a little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked dad if he minded if he played Monopoly with his oldest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took the girl in the bedroom and played Monopoly with her. Later, he was back at the supper table drinking more beer. He walked back into the living and asked dad if he could play Candyland with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took her into the bedroom and played Candyland with her. Later, sitting at the table, after more beer, mom started to look like a pretty good opponent. He walked in and asked dad if he minded if he could play The Ungame with his wife. Nobody said anything. So he took mom into the bedroom and played The Ungame with her. When they were through, he walked into the living room and stood in front of dad.

"Hey, do you have any LCR dice?", he asked dad.

And dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes."
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23. Board Game: Pirates' Gold [Average Rating:5.67 Overall Rank:8385]
Chris Long
United States
State College
Pennsylvania
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You know, like, for realsies.
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Vaughn had always been a good student, but now it seemed as though he mastered his lessons too quickly.
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There's a pirate walking around the BGG Con, and everyone is looking at him very oddly because he's got what looks like one of those old ship's rutter wheels sticking halfway out of his pants.

Finally, Aldie gets up the courage to go over and ask him about it and says, "Excuse me, but do you have a steering wheel down your pants?"

The pirate says, "Yar. Drives me nuts."

arrrh
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24. Board Game: Puerto Rico [Average Rating:8.15 Overall Rank:5]
Damien Browne
Australia
Sydney
NSW
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Four BoardgameBlondes sit down to a game of Puerto Rico. They set the board up neat and tidy, and get the ships out and put the colonists in a pile. They have a bag for all the crop tiles, and they separate the quarries. With a pile of dubloons they are ready to play.

Each blonde assigns themselves a task. "I will hand out dubloons" one says, "I will hand out colonists" says another.
"I will draw the fields from the bag" says the third blonde.
"I will hand out the barrels then" says the last.

They're almost ready to begin when they notice the third boardgameblonde is drawing fields from the bag, and while she was placing one or two on the table ready to begin, she was throwing more than half into the bin nearby.

The BoardGameBlonde beside her owns the game and gets angry.
"What the hell are you doing, throwing half of them in the bin!!??"

"Half of these chits are broken" the BoardgameBlonde explains.
A confused, angry look, suggests an explanation had best be following.

"Well," she continues, "I take a chit from the bag. If it is face up, it's a good chit and I place it on the table. But if it's upside down, it's broken, so I throw it in the bin."

"YOU BLEEDIN MORON!" yells the owner Blonde. "THEY'RE NOT BROKEN! THEY'RE FOR THE PLAYERS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TABLE!!!"
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25. Board Game: Checkers [Average Rating:4.85 Overall Rank:10942]
What profit the man who gain the world but lose his soul
United States
Manhattan Beach
California
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It is a little known fact that Rene Descartes used to play checkers with his neighbor every Friday evening. One Friday evening Descartes wasn't really in the mood, but went to his neighbors house anyway to visit. His neighbor said, "Hi Rene, the usual?" Descartes said, "I think not", and disappeared.
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