$10.00
The Defiant Last Words of Games I've Sent to the Gallows
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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O, cruel fate! A game begins its life in my care bursting with vim and vigor, but after one or two plays there almost inevitably comes a dark moment when it stands on the gallows with noose affixed, ready to be shipped off to eBay user LuvsCabbage312 of Sock's Hole, South Dakota who wants to pay me in Red Lobster gift cards. And every time I give a game the axe, I hear its angry voice deliver an impassioned defense as it straddles the thin line between life and the freshly varnished trap door that leads to oblivion. Here are fifteen especially forceful final proclamations of rejects, castoffs, and coulda-been-a-contenders upon which I delivered a merciless death blow---only to hear their accusatory cries in my fevered dreams forever. Surely you have your own tales of games that didn’t die easily...

-Soren Narnia
Twitter: @SorenNarnia
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1. Board Game: Defenders of the Realm [Average Rating:7.43 Overall Rank:227]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Okay, it’s bad enough that you only want to keep one fantasy game on your shelf because you’re afraid women will stop talking to you if things 'get out of hand.' I mean, if you’re looking for all the reasons women aren’t going to talk to you, I have a color-coded Excel spreadsheet I can print out for you, okay? But what really bakes my Lays is that you’re choosing TALISMAN over me. TALISMAN. You’d rather roll a D6 eight hundred times over the course of eleven hours than use that misshapen squeeze toy you call a head to do a little rudimentary strategizing. Oh, look! You got turned into a toad! How freaking adorable! I bet you can’t wait to tell all the other thirteen year olds on the block about your adventures going around and around in a big circle until you ran out of Cheez-its and orange soda and decided to end the game before another episode of Buffy came on!

"Still not convinced, eh? Well, in that case, see you in hell, chump. Here, let me pull the lever myself. Wouldn’t dream of asking you to get up off your fat rubbery butt and possibly knock over those crappy purple cones that your FFG luckfest finds so indispensable."

(THUMP)
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2. Board Game: Fury of Dracula [Average Rating:7.25 Overall Rank:250]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Fool! Does your puny mortal soul believe that if you cannot defeat the Prince of Darkness by tracking me down through the clever coordination of four Hunters and sharp observance of the cards I place upon my movement track, I can somehow be vanquished through a BGG trade for Harry’s Grand Slam Baseball Game? I throw back my head and laugh at you as I swirl my cape like so! And I laugh again when I reflect upon the joyless hours you've spent trying to come up with a workable solitaire system that would encompass my many complexities! And I laugh yet again thinking of something funny I saw on 'House of Payne' last night!

"Look into my eyes, silly human. You are becoming very sleepy. Soon your essence will be consumed by your dark master’s. It is not me you shall trade away, but rather Kill Doctor Lucky. On the count of three, you will release me from this ridiculous noose so that I may feed upon your shrimpy neck. My God, it’s been years since I’ve fed on a neck as shrimpy as yours---and that counts CHICKS, man. I may as well suck on a little rubber eraser, so shrimpy is----"

(THUMP)
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3. Board Game: The Cities Game [Average Rating:4.56 Unranked]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Hey man, it’s okay. Really, it is. I’d do the same thing if I were you. I mean, I was a $1 buy from a thrift store that smelled like old corn. I came out roughly around the time Grand Funk Railroad was a factor in modern music, and the years haven’t exactly been any kinder to me since. I was published by Psychology Today, for God’s sake. And yes, you’re right, I do have some of the worst production values ever recorded in modern gaming history. The art on my board, if you even want to call it art, really does look like 'the aftermath of a particularly boring tractor accident,' as you so gently put it. So give me a hug, Dawg, and no hard feelings. I was just never meant for this world where games are often, like, actually games. Let me just say this: I love you, man. Really. The fact that you kept me around in your closet for more than three weeks before having me bump fists with the hangman---that moves me. And I don’t mind telling you, I’ve sometimes found myself more than a little attracted to you. In fact---"

(THUMP)
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4. Board Game: Paydirt [Average Rating:6.86 Overall Rank:2070]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"You are truly the Cadillac of hypocrisy. I like how you call yourself 'a man of imagination,' but God forbid a sports game doesn’t offer you individual players you can visualize scurrying around with their little statistical profiles and abilities. Like the world’s really going to end if you should EVER want to play a football sim where the quarterback doesn’t have an actual name you can mispronounce (It’s CAR-son PAL-mer, by the way, not Car-SONE Pal-MAIR. He’s not Belgian, dipwad!!) For simplicity and speed of play I offer NFL teams as holistic overarching concepts, and if you can’t deal with that like a man, then go ahead, send me plummeting. Wouldn’t you rather imagine yourself as the quarterback of your beloved Oakland Raiders than whatever CFL reject the state of California sprung from work release this week? I guess not. I guess in the end the forty games or so you’ve played of me mean nothing when those APBA jerks can give you an individual card the thickness of a tick’s tibia for the Lions’ third string middle linebacker from 1987. Let’s see if you can say his name right---it’s spelled SMITH, so why don’t you take a few hours to figure THAT one out. Later, nimrod!"

(THUMP)
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5. Board Game: Silverton [Average Rating:7.07 Overall Rank:947]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"What a woeful day it is for our hobby when a man forgets the two things that truly make a game a game---doing lots of arithmetic and making sure you don’t jostle teeny tiny counters. I’m going to give you one more chance, sonny, just one more, to realize exactly how enjoyable it is to take some time out after every turn to add up all sorts of---"

(THUMP)
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6. Board Game: Call of Cthulhu: The Card Game [Average Rating:7.06 Overall Rank:551]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Excuuuuuuuuuuse me for even trying, man. Go ahead, be like that, just keep focusing on the things I don’t have compared to my big brother. No, I don’t provide any real sense of quest, exploration, or impending doom, I’m only designed for two people, and I’m a little top-heavy with gangsters, cabaret singers, and other characters who have about as much place in a Lovecraft story as Robert De Niro has in...well, almost any movie he's done for the last fifteen years. I don’t even have dice, God forbid. But here’s a little something I DO have that Arkham Horror doesn’t: a most cordial invitation for you, dear sir, to KISS MY GOO-SLATHERED A---"

(THUMP)
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7. Board Game: Catan [Average Rating:7.35 Overall Rank:161]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Whoa---this is about my BOARD? My BOARD? You don’t like the fact that the ocean pieces sometimes don’t fasten right and the tiles are too thin and things get a little askew from time to time? THAT’S your reason for sending me to permafrost hell in Green Bay for a measly $12 plus shipping? Interesting. Maybe you should have tried using all my AWARDS to weigh the board down, or maybe employed the useful adhesive properties of my INTERNATIONAL MOTHERLOVIN’ ACCLAIM to make the bits fasten just so. Hmmm, I wonder why THE ENTIRE WORLD seems to be able to look past these phantom complaints of yours to enjoy my gloriousness, but you can’t seem to think of me as anything more than some table tent at a wedding reception that won’t fold right. Funny, I would have thought that all my pictures of SHEEP would EXCITE you to no end, you freakish perver---"

(THUMP)
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8. Board Game: Sequence [Average Rating:5.86 Overall Rank:3025]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Before you hit that lever, I think you should know that if you do, I am telling EVERYONE about the HOURS you spent playing me even in the midst of salivating over your little Euro-dealies with their fancy 'cubes' and their fancy 'playtesters.' Everyone’s gonna know I’m the little tootsie receptionist you’ve been sneaking off with at lunchtime while you spend your nights taking out the recyclables for Missy Manhattanpants and the square-headed multi-lingual brats you’ve spawned---by which I mean Rise of Empires, in case you’re not really following the metaphor. You know very well that deep down, all you want out of life is to play a card and pick a card again and again until they find you dead in your nasty green beanbag chair with a Dorito hanging out of your piehole, and that’s exactly what I’ve given you without asking for any kind of commitment or even a kind word. Will you at least do me the courtesy of putting me on your BGG Collection list as Previously Owned, or would even that tiny token of respect too deeply offend the Agricolosers who clog your basement on Wednesday nights?

"P.S. When we were together, why did you always want to use the wool cards from Settlers instead of the standard aces I came with? From what I hear I bet it’s because you have some sick thing about sheep, you freakish perver---"

(THUMP)
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9. Board Game: The Republic of Rome [Average Rating:7.56 Overall Rank:210]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Foolish serf---you can banish me to exile because of my complicated rules, but I assure you others will follow in my stead! Now then, since you seem like a most odious dunderpate whose incompetence may actually threaten the efficacy of my execution, allow me to explain how this business shall proceed:

"1.1.1 You will approach the lever in question only AFTER completing the steps covered in sections 3.10.12 through 4.14.09.

"1.1.2 See section 2.5.12 before you read this sentence; it’ll really help and it should probably be with the section 4.07 stuff instead.

"1.1.3 Sections 1.9.2 through 1.9.8 cover the procedure for placing your hand upon the lever, but do not read these until you---"

(THUMP)
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10. Board Game: Dune [Average Rating:7.62 Overall Rank:131]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Stop right there, short pants. Let me explain the situation to you: it’s 1979, you’re nine years old and you can have no conception of a future in which products increase in value due to their scarcity. This is WAY over your head---you’re seriously underdeveloped for a fourth grader anyway. (The fact that you still don’t quite understand why hamburgers can’t fly should have tipped you off to this already.) What I suggest is that you bury my fine new-in-shrink self deep in your closet before you take one look inside my box and realize this ain’t no Pop-o-Matic day hike you’re dealing with. Let me out of this noose and I can promise you a $200 score on an internet auction in thirty years. No, you don’t know what the internet is yet. You don’t even know what DUNE is, for God’s sake; you just liked the big worm creature on the box! For all you know I'm a game about container gardening! So choose your avenue, friendo: you can have either a cash bonanza in 2011 big enough to buy a scratch and dent iPad (it’s kind of like an Etch-a-Sketch but you can plug it in) or you can be a mental midget and trade me for nine creased and greasy Topps cards depicting Seattle Mariners bench jockeys---if your weird pal Gilbert the Gherkin, neighborhood-famous nostril excavator, is still even willing to be that generous. Make the call that destiny commands!"

(THUMP)

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11. Board Game: Witch of Salem [Average Rating:6.68 Overall Rank:1134]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Hey, you liked me for a while---I seem to recall being played four or five times. Where exactly did I go wrong?

"Oh, right. The magical eyeglasses. Gotcha. Yeah, those are pretty lame."

(THUMP)
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12. Board Game: Zombies!!! [Average Rating:6.00 Overall Rank:2631] [Average Rating:6.00 Unranked]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Yo, how many games are you going to find that sport not one, not two, but three exclamation points? You don't see something called LE HAVRE!!! You don’t see something called CLEOPATRA AND THE SOCIETY OF ARCHITECTS!!! or GO!!! In this wintry economic climate, no other game companies have the wontons to try even two exclamation points, much less go for the trifecta. Game play aside, you gotta give me serious props for the in-yer-face punctuation!

"Oh, wait...looks like Rio Grande’s putting out an expansion for Thurn and Taxis called RETURN TO SENDER!!! How about that. I'll be darned.

"What? Um, yeah, that’s pretty much my whole defense. I didn’t really have time to, you know, prepare something. So, um...are we good?"

(THUMP)
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13. Board Game: A Brief History of the World [Average Rating:7.00 Overall Rank:1106]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"I demand an appeal! I demand an appeal! You didn’t even play me all the way through! If you recall, the night after you unboxed me, you got horribly sick and were in absolutely no condition to push my pieces around the next morning. Trying to figure me out through a haze of phlegm, eye boogers, and fever-induced hallucinations of Bonnie Bedelia offering to give you a face massage was a foolhardy idea and I will NOT be judged under such circumstances! My God, man, how impatient have you become? The only thing that was 'kind of repetitive' that day wasn’t my brilliant battle sequence as you claim, it was YOUR whining about how no one would bring you toast and cherry jam on your soiled so-called deathbed! You dump me and your chances of ever learning anything more about the military capabilities of the ancient Sumerians is---"

(THUMP)
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14. Board Game: Ghost Stories [Average Rating:7.41 Overall Rank:132]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Yeahhhhhh, I guess it’s tough when a board game makes you feel inadequate. What was your final victory total again? Zero? Zero for eight, something like that? I do seem to remember the word ZERO in there somewhere, in big scary capital letters. So I don’t blame you for wanting me out of the way. After all, I’m a daily reminder of miserable failure, kind of like the congratulatory pin Arby’s gave you for your tenth year of exemplary customer service. Well, look on the bright side---you only played me at Nightmare level and never downgraded, not once. Oh, wait---I’m wrong. Sorry, I was thinking of someone else. For you, it was Initiation level all the time, wasn’t it? With extra Tao tokens? Pretty much all the ones that came with the game, plus some pennies you had lying around to represent even more? And with all the bad spots on the curse die crayoned over in black so they would never ever come up? And replacing half the ghosts with cards you made yourself through ArtsCow that said NICE GOING, HANDSOME HERO---YOU GET SIX FREE BUDDHAS? And making little sombreros for the haunter figures so they wouldn’t give you nightma---

(THUMP)

"AAAAAAAGGGHHHH, the rope snapped, you moron!! Where’d you buy it, CVS?? I guess you save the good stuff for your nightly six-hour sessions of auto-erotic asphyxia---"

(BANG)
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15. Board Game: Sid Meier's Civilization: The Board Game [Average Rating:7.58 Overall Rank:89]
Soren
United States
Falls Church
Virginia
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"Eh, anywhere away from you is preferable. Adios, Slappy."

(REPRIEVE GRANTED 7/15/11 AT 9:18 A.M. DUE TO A LACK OF INTERESTING GAMES IN THE CURRENT MARKETPLACE.)

(REPRIEVE TERMINATED 7/15/11 AT 9:22 A.M. DUE TO GATEPLAY.COM’S UNEXPECTED RE-STOCKING OF RAT-A-TAT CAT.)

(T H U M P.)

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16. Board Game: Caylus [Average Rating:7.90 Overall Rank:20]
Jack
United States
Cumberland
Rhode Island
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"Pardon, monsieur, but you cannot send me to the guillotine! I beg you! I am a noble game - ranked in the top 10. I have a stuffy-looking noble on my cover and...and...I am French! So what if you make one mistake and then spend the next 3 hours watching your deficit keep growing and growing? Suffering is good for your character, mon ami!"

"Oh, yeah. Suffer this!"

KA-CHUNK!
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17. Board Game: El Grande [Average Rating:7.84 Overall Rank:27]
Jack
United States
Cumberland
Rhode Island
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This one is on the chopping block as we speak. I wasn't expecting to get rid of El Grande, but,

"NOBODY EXPECTS TO GET RID OF EL GRANDE! My chief weapon is area control...and a kingmaker element. Our two chief weapons are...area control, a kingmaker element...and knowing who the winner will be 6 rounds from the end. Our three chief weapons are area control, a kingmaker element, knowing who the winner will be 6 rounds from the end...and a boring uninteresting theme. Our four chief weapons are area control, a kingmaker element, knowing who the winner will be 6 rounds from the end, a boring uninteresting theme...and a phallic King symbol. Our five chief weapons are area control, a kingmaker element, knowing who the winner will be 6 rounds from the end, a boring uninteresting theme, a phallic King symbol...and a fanatical devotion to the pope!"

"How do you plead?"

"Not guilty."

"Cardinal Fang! Bring out the comfy chair!"

POOF!
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18. Board Game: Modern Art [Average Rating:7.32 Overall Rank:180]
Marc Q
Canada
Toronto
Ontario
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"Look, look, you just don't UNDERSTAND... I'm deep! I'm complex! There are layers within layers, man... and you've won EVERY TIME you played me and never even understood the scoring! Imagine how much fun you'd have if you could just figure out the subtle brush strokes of how incredib..."

(THUMP)


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK...
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19. Board Game: Glory to Rome [Average Rating:7.53 Overall Rank:91]
ketchupgun
Canada
Toronto
Ontario
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No no no no no no! You don't know ANYTHING! It's not "sh**ty artwork done by some guy who doesn't know a single thing about graphic design" .. it's a "strategic marketing choice!" Hello? You till there?
Would you like me better if you spoke Polish?
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20. Board Game: Up Front [Average Rating:7.84 Overall Rank:196]
Michael Ornelles
United States
Fresno
California
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I was heading off to college in 1985 and put my un-played copy of Up Front on the flea market table, selling it for $1.00 because I read the rules and felt like I just would not have the time to figure this game out when starting classes. The game said to me...hang on...one day you could sell me for BIG bucks...but I just didn't listen. (oh, and I threw in the expansion set too and no extra charge!)
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21. Board Game: The Lord of the Rings: The Card Game [Average Rating:7.65 Overall Rank:71]
Enrique Carro
Spain
La Coruña
La Coruña
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"Hey, you can't do this to me!! I'm The Lord of the Rings, the summum of fantasy, the ultimate in gaming. Haven't you seen WOTRCE? You just don't get it, right? I'm a game of What if?, picking some known Heroes along with utter strangers (yes, Dúnhere is in the book, you moron. Reading is something more than pass pages), with a setting reminiscent of The Hobbit. But hey, be patient. I'm a LCG, so after you spend lots of cash in small periodic amounts, I'll finally make sense.
*SIGH* Some people is just too dumb to realize obvious thi..."

THUMP!
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22. Board Game: Monopoly [Average Rating:4.46 Overall Rank:11056]
Magister Ludi
Australia
Fremantle
Western Australia
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There were no last words from the scaffold...

(THUMP)
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23. Board Game: Wings of War: WW2 Deluxe set [Average Rating:7.29 Overall Rank:1836]
Jonas Gustafsson

Unspecified
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Nein, you cannot get rid of me! You love ze aeroplanes. Those beautifully crafted tinzy aeroplanes of the second world war. You even got the wonderfully rendered maus pad, and everything. I'm ze game you have been longing for. Ah, Spitfirez, Stukas, Messerschmitts?
What do you mean, you only got me to redesign the rules to accomodate dice? What kind of ein evil scheme iz dat?



Did it help?

[Thump]
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24. Board Game: Magic: The Gathering [Average Rating:7.44 Overall Rank:122]
ketchupgun
Canada
Toronto
Ontario
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Hey dude, don't worry man, I get..i totally get it. You're not the first, I'm totally used to it. You just caught on is all.

Me? Nah I'll be fine. A new crop of youngsters will come along and dump their lives and money into my innocence. I'll be fine...go on. I'm cool.

Oh geez, I almost forgot...can i interest you a new format?
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25. Board Game: Illuminati: Deluxe Edition [Average Rating:6.58 Overall Rank:972]
Jess Newman
United States
Colorado
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"You realize that you'll never be rid of me, right? I am everywhere, always lurking in the shadows. Haunting your memories. I'm too big to kill. Do you see this? It says STEVE JACKSON GAMES. I am in every game store. You will never escape. I'll always be there, lurking. And when you least expect it, I'll pounce upon one of the weaker gamers of your herd, suck him in, and he'll buy me and all my expansions. ALL OF THEM. I'll be back.

You'll see.

YOU'LL SEEEEEEE...."


THUD!
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