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Rusty McFisticuffs
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Arcata
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Afterwards, I asked one of my assailants a simple question: "Why?"

He stared at me, carefully weighing every word of his answer. "We don't want you on our planet."


...

Filed under Art, Nobody Understands How I've Suffered For My:

Currently leaking clear juice from blisters on my knuckles, from using a hot glue gun to attach fur to gloves, which needed to be on in order to come out right.


...

A couple months ago at the Six Rivers Brewery, a guy came up to me and asked whether I was a local. "I have a weird question for you," he said; I shrugged and silently tried to guess which one of the usual "weird" questions this was going to be. "I'm getting married in September, and... you're the tallest person I've ever met... so, I was wondering if you would show up at my wedding as Bigfoot."

OK, that was weird; you can't say no to that! He gave me his card, and a few weeks later sent me a photo of the rubber Bigfoot mask he'd bought.

His wedding party was going to wear khaki pants & white dress shirts, and he wanted me to wear the same, plus the mask. Although my nails had grown back out to horrifying length, bare human hands aren't really Bigfooty, so I bought a pair of gloves & spent a couple days hot-glue-gunning on some fake fur. (They turned out pretty good, even though I didn't add nails/claws.) Same for my feet--Bigfoot doesn't wear shoes, so I glued fur to a pair of my boots. (Unfortunately, I didn't leave enough time to sculpt individual toes out of foam padding, so the effect wasn't as good as it could have been. Still, they looked "OK.")

The day of the wedding, I drove out to Willow Creek. (Yeah, Willow Creek.) I grew up in Sacramento, but after 20+ years in coastal redwood fog, I was no longer accustomed to the oppressive inland heat. It wasn't even noon yet, and I was sweating in the shade.

I had brought with me the hot glue gun, scissors, and more of the fur so that I could glue it to the back & neck of the mask to make it better match the gloves & boots. It would probably make it, well, warmer, but if Egon Schiele could endure a little physical discomfort for his art, so could I.

...

Spent the last 2 hours being chased & hit with sticks by dozens of kids. Pouring sweat, costume destroyed, still they chase me. Probably not getting laid.

...

The groom's original idea was for me to burst out onto the stage during the ceremony, pound my chest, roar, that sort of thing. However, the wedding was taking place outside, and I pointed out that there wasn't really any cover in the approach to the stage area; so instead he hit on the idea of having me lurk in the background during the wedding photos. Anything he wanted was fine with me, so he snagged his photographer to pitch the idea.

"Whoa, man. Whoa. You can't just change things on me like this at the last minute... how long have you been planning this?"

The groom was unfazed. "What if we have him in the background of just the groomsmen photos? He starts off far away, and gets closer, and then all the groomsmen run off. And then he gives me a joint!"

The photographer, whose card bore the surprisingly bold claim "The Ansel Adams Of Cannabis," warmed to the idea. That became the new plan.

...

Take a picture right now. Do you have pants on? I'll be shocked if you don't get laid as Sasquatch

That's what I'm hoping. Willow Creek cougars, the best kind, if you like dreads. Not sure whether I do but am sure willing to find out.

Good update. Send pics

I am not taking pictures. Pretty sure since nobody knows me, everyone assumes I'm a federal agent.
If I take pictures here, I get shot & buried back in the hills.


...

The wedding ceremony was very nice; although the groom had encouraged me to mingle and meet his friends & family, I didn't feel comfortable joining them in the seating area, so I stood back and watched from the wings. Afterward, I loomed near the photographer until he let me know he was a few minutes from starting the groomsmen's photos; then I headed back into the air-conditioned restaurant to suit up.

I put on the furry boots, and the gloves, and the mask, and tucked the neck fur I'd added into my collar, and was able to button my left sleeve over the wrist of the glove, but couldn't quite do the right. And, without my glasses, and with only small slits above the bulging eyes of the mask to see through, I couldn't actually see what I was doing. Or breathe, really.

A few kids were in the room, watching me, so finally I gave up. "Can... you... help me?" I growled at them in a funny voice, gesturing expansively at my sleeve. "I can't... operate... buttons." They just stared at me and backed away, so I fumbled my way to the door and staggered out into the heat.

...

"DO NOT STEAL BIGFOOT'S WALLET," I roar. "DO NOT PUNCH BIGFOOT IN THE NUTS."

...

I wasn't sure whether they were ready for me back at the wedding party, so I loped awkwardly in what I guessed was the general direction, doing my best impression of a nocturnal, agoraphobic woodland beast finding his mighty loins girded by dress pants out in the open in the heat of the day.

Along the way was a tree, so I figured I'd wait there until someone from the wedding party came to let me know they were ready for me.

"I say," I said to myself, "Whoo! This is... hah! rather... tropical!" In addition to the eye slits, the rubber mask had two small nostril slits, wholly inadequate for the task of circulating air sufficient for my present circumstance.

A few children were nearby, watching me. Noticing them, I eased around the tree and blended in. When I peeked back around the tree to gauge the success of my attempt, more had gathered, and they were drawing closer.

"What are you doing?" one asked.

"Oh, me? Nothing... nothing at all," I growled.

"Are you Chewbacca?"

"Certainly not!"

A girl tugged at the fur on my glove. "Ouch!" I bellowed. "That's my hair!" Another child grabbed at my face; I roared and waved my arms threateningly, and they squealed and fell back, but then darted back in as soon as I turned away.

Predictably, it rapidly collapsed into a general melee. Tiny fists began raining down on my back & arms; it was like being in a mosh pit with little people, little people I probably shouldn't punch back. Kids clamped around my ankles, and I dragged them behind me as I staggered toward the photography area in the hopes that parents would intervene to save--if nothing else--their kids' best clothes.

Artist's rendition.
Preoccupied as I was with defending myself from fiends who were attempting to use my scrotum as a speed bag, somehow I dragged the tangle of violence past the photography area without stopping. Several times I managed to tear free and break into a determined run, pumping my arms and launching my massive fur-covered boots across the countryside in mighty no-nonsense strides, but eventually I would tire, and the demonic children, fueled by sugar and hate, would catch up to me and resume the beating.

One had a 5' bamboo stick with balloons tied to it; he alternated between jabbing me with it and whacking at me as if I were a piñata until I wrestled it away from him. Somewhere they were getting hula hoops which they would throw over my head & shoulders, and I would drag them behind me until the hoops would break, at which point the kids would just hit me with them. A larger kid kept jumping and grabbing onto the fur I'd glued onto the neck of the mask; I'd lift him by the forearm & hurl him away, and then realize the kids crouched at my feet were trying to rip the fur off my boots. As I staggered onward, they dragged behind, clinging to the strips of fur they'd torn loose.

My path took me down the fairway of a golf course; around a pond; back into the restaurant; back outside and down the fairway again, etc. Whenever my orbit would take me within earshot of an adult, I would shake my hands at the sky and roar, "O the humanity!" or "All I wanted was some human contact, and instead I am beset by beasts," that sort of thing. (One parent did take away the bamboo stick which had fallen back into the hands of the little fiends, but other than that, I was on my own.)

...

After a couple hours of this, I was exhausted, and let them pull the mask off. "All right, all right, you got me; I'm a human being."

After a few seconds of astonished triumph--"I knew it!"--they resumed punching me in the kidneys. "What are you doing? I said I'm a human being! I have feelings!"

...

One kid wanted to wear my boots, so I took them off & slipped them over his shoes; I gave another the gloves, and another the rubber mask. "There he is!" I cried shrilly, pointing at the kid in the mask. "It's Bigfoot! Get him! Get him!" Then I started the long walk back to the restaurant where I'd left my glasses--no shoes, sweat-soaked dress shirt streaked with dirt, my face smelling like the inside of a condom.

I never did make it back to the photography area, so I don't know how the photographer coped with a second change in plans.

Later, when I was leaving, the groom tried to pay me, but I couldn't accept his money; I just told him he had to send me pictures and/or video. (I know that exists somewhere; during one particularly LAPD-esque portion of the beating, one child was standing by, filming the spectacle on his iPhone.)

The next day or so, this was my back:


The remains of my boots (no idea what happened to the gloves & mask):


My niece Lucifer made me a card. "I'm sorry you got beat up by children," it reads. Yeah, well, I'm sorry you're going to remember this as me getting beaten up by children.


...

When the kid told me they didn't want me on their planet, I nodded. "That is why you will never see Bigfoot."
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¡dn ʇǝƃ ʇ,uɐɔ ı puɐ uǝllɐɟ ǝʌ,ı
Canada
Chestermere
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There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary: Those who do, and those who don't.
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Have you optioned the film or novel rights to this story yet?
I want in on that.
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shumyum
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♒♒♒♒♎♒♒♒♒ sloooowly sinking
Quote:
That was my hope.


Have you ever seen baby bigfoots? Yeah, no hope was warranted.
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Bryan Thunkd
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Florence
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kuhrusty wrote:
so, I was wondering if you would show up at my wedding as Bigfoot."
I can't decide which is odder... that someone asked or that you said yes.
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Billy McBoatface
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Lexington
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KGS is the #1 web site for playing go over the internet. Visit now!
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Thunkd wrote:
kuhrusty wrote:
so, I was wondering if you would show up at my wedding as Bigfoot."
I can't decide which is odder... that someone asked or that you said yes.

If I ever get married again, I'm going to ask for Rusty to come as Darth Vader.
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The Count
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You have some great stories. My favorite part was it started at 6 Rivers Brewery. They had a table at the beer tasting event I was at last Saturday in Davis. I remember I went back to their table often because I have a bottle opener from them I got to remind me I liked them after I sobered up. I think I was drinking a Porter if I remember.
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Josh
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I didn't know it was possible to laugh so much that my palms would drip with sweat

Bodies are weird
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Bryan Thunkd
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wmshub wrote:
Thunkd wrote:
kuhrusty wrote:
so, I was wondering if you would show up at my wedding as Bigfoot."
I can't decide which is odder... that someone asked or that you said yes.

If I ever get married again, I'm going to ask for Rusty to come as Darth Vader.
It be more amusing to see him in a unicorn costume being chased and beaten by children with sticks. "Hey kids! Piñata!"
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Great Googly Moogly it's
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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
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laughlaughlaughI'm dying over here, tears streaming out of my eyes. Oh man. Thanks for sharing! laughlaughlaugh I hope a video surfaces soon. Oh and I'm sorry that you got beat up by children. laugh

You should write a book, seriously.
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June King
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Wow. Yet, I cannot say I'm surprised by ANY of this.
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Boaty McBoatface
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Bad formatting.
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Great Googly Moogly it's
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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
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I have uncovered exclusive video footage of this event!


I gotta admit, I thought Kuhrusty would be taller, but then again, maybe they are just giant evil children.
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Paul DeStefano
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I'm not quite sure of the flexibility of the definition of "Man" here.
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¡dn ʇǝƃ ʇ,uɐɔ ı puɐ uǝllɐɟ ǝʌ,ı
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sunkencheerio wrote:
I have uncovered exclusive video footage of this event!


I gotta admit, I thought Kuhrusty would be taller, but then again, maybe they are just giant evil children.


That escalated pretty quickly at the end, when the one kid fetched his Jeep to run down Bigfoot. That was a shocker.
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(The Majestic Tale of) An Idiot With a Box
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Kalamazoo
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Meega, nala kwishta!
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I'm gonna have to defer to Nathan Fillion here:
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"L'état, c'est moi."
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Roger's Reviews: check out my reviews page, right here on BGG!
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Can't type. Laughing. laughlaughlaugh
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Leo Zappa
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Aliquippa
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...and so, I'm eating lunch in this Asian fusion restaurant and people are looking at me like I'm an idiot because I can't stop laughing as I read this ridiculously awesome story...

Thanks, Rusty, thanks a lot...
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Rusty McFisticuffs
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slatersteven wrote:
Bad formatting.

Thanks; I had used the [c] tag for text messages, forgetting that it also wasn't going to wrap.

By the way, the main reason I posted this was because I needed to earn some to tip this, which you should go read again.
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Robert Wesley
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Had you instead 'appeared' as some NUDE Shepherd then you might even have heard being exclaimed:

wow ~"BARE-flocker, do 'ewe' require any assistance?"

robotsheepsheepsheepsheep ~"Let's 'get' the FLOCK outta HERE!"

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Rusty McFisticuffs
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kuhrusty wrote:
By the way, the main reason I posted this

I should have added "...and I got what I needed, so no need to get crazy here."

sdonohue, do you not understand how economics works? Without the constant pressure of needing to earn GeekGold, what's to keep me from spending all day at the factory, stamping out widgets?
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Mark Delano
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kuhrusty wrote:
I should have added "...and I got what I needed, so no need to get crazy here."

sdonohue, do you not understand how economics works? Without the constant pressure of needing to earn GeekGold, what's to keep me from spending all day at the factory, stamping out widgets?


I tipped this, but only out of hatred for widgets.
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Chris
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frunkee wrote:
kuhrusty wrote:
I should have added "...and I got what I needed, so no need to get crazy here."

sdonohue, do you not understand how economics works? Without the constant pressure of needing to earn GeekGold, what's to keep me from spending all day at the factory, stamping out widgets?


I tipped this, but only out of hatred for widgets.
You're in luck, turns out I'm hiring a hundred able-bodied workers to dig holes to be filled with widgets, than filled back in. Salary negotiable
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Just another Steve.

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Michigan
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kuhrusty wrote:
kuhrusty wrote:
By the way, the main reason I posted this

I should have added "...and I got what I needed, so no need to get crazy here."

sdonohue, do you not understand how economics works? Without the constant pressure of needing to earn GeekGold, what's to keep me from spending all day at the factory, stamping out widgets?


I think I've got it. Geekgold is of no value whatsoever until you spend it and maybe not even then...
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J J
Australia
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And this is why we have to kill all of them, before they kill us.
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Joe Salamone
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Billerica
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Aggravating people worldwide since 1964
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After reading this, I realized that I have not truly experienced life.
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