Jim Patching
United Kingdom
Cardiff
-
Court is held at Camelot
These are the Court Headlines:
The main announcements at court are interrupted by an outburst from a knight named Sir Melodiam, the son of King Pellinore (who rumour has it has been murdered!). He points at Sir Gawaine and says “Hello, my name is Sir Melodiam. You killed my father. Prepare to die!” (or words to that effect).
“Oh crap” Sir Owen and Marshal Arkan inwardly think to themselves, remembering their vow last year to find and punish the murderer of King Pellinore.
Sir Gawaine vehemently protests his innocence and demands to prove it in trial by combat. A large space is quickly cleared in the middle of the hall and the two knights go at each other with gusto. The fight looks like it could go either way until finally Sir Gawaine gets the better of his opponent and knocks Sir Melodiam to the ground. Pointing his sword at his fallen opponent, Sir Gawaine demands that he retract his accusation.
“Never!” screams Sir Melodiam. Gawaine shrugs and with a mighty swing strikes Sir Melodiam’s head from his shoulders.
As the mess is cleared away and fainting ladies are revived, King Arthur gathers Team Salisbury together and says “knights, would you care to take a ride with me? I would speak to you in private.”
The king and his knights take a leisurely ride through the meadows and woods that surround Camelot. Once they’re well and truly on their own, Arthur says “I know things look grave at the moment but I think we can come out of this on top. The rebellion in Silchester isn’t going as Uffo had hoped – his people have no stomach for fighting their countrymen and King. In truth it’s only really the city of Silchester itself that is offering resistance and Marshal Griflet is currently besieging it. Griflet is relatively inexperienced in these matters though and could perhaps benefit from some wise council.
The Saxon unrest in Anglia is worrying. Saxon bandits have begun striking at Duke Hervis’s tax collectors, which is hampering his attempts to raise funds to help with the war effort. The duke captured one of the Saxon bandits and has managed to squeeze out of him the fact that the unrest is being stirred up by someone outside of the county. I suspect it may be Prince Cynric, so keep an eye on him.”
“Prince Cynric. Yeeeaaah,” drawls Sir Owen, casting a suspicious look at Sir Breakius.
“As for France and Rome,” continues the king, “I want to strike at them rather than let them invade us. I’m not worried about Rome yet but I know that King Clovis of France has assembled a fleet of ships in the port of Barfleur. I need these ships sunk, we can’t allow him to land troops in Britain this year, we’re not ready for it. Can I trust you to carry out this task for me?”
“Consider those ships sunk,” says Marshal Arkan.
The party is suddenly aware of another group of riders approaching. It’s the Lady of the Lake and her fey retinue. “My lord king,” says the Lady of the Lake. “I have a favour to ask of you.”
“Ask away,” says the King Briskly.
“At the knighting ceremony due to take place tomorrow, I request that you knight this squire.” She gestures at a handsome young man in her retinue, sitting astride a white horse. Arthur thinks about the request for a moment before acquiescing.
To summarise a lot of exposition, the kid turns out to be Lancelot. Most of the men of Camelot think he’s a douche bag; most of the ladies think he’s dreamy. During the course of the year he accomplishes a lot of off camera deeds (not least of which is clearing out the Castle of Dolorous Garde).
“You are truly a brave and gifted knight,” says Queen Guenever admiringly, later in the year.
“What a douche bag,” whispers Sir Owen.
But those events are yet to transpire. Right now, our knights have a series of problems on their collective plates.
They begin by speaking to Prince Cynric, who swears he has nothing to do with the unrest in Anglia. In fact, he promises to travel to the county himself and do what he can to calm things down. The knights know Cynric to be an honourable man and are inclined to believe him. They take the opportunity to run an idea by Cynric.
“Do you think many Saxons would be up for a quick trip to France for a bit of boat burning?” asks Marshal Arkan.
“Er, not really,” says Prince Cynric. “Unless of course you’re offering good pay.”
“We certainly are,” affirms Sir Owen. “And how about this – if we get enough Saxon help in this endeavour we’ve got a promise from king Arthur that he’ll release old King Cerdic from his dungeons.”
“Finally release my dad?” says Prince Cynric. “You’re on – I’ll do all I can to rustle up some help for you.”
Whilst Cynric sets about raising some volunteers for the boat-burning mission, our knights decide that they need a navigator to get them to Barfluer. The best sailor they can think of off the top of their heads is the Saxon fisherman Hans Ollo, so they travel to Norwich to recruit the wily sea dog. On the way they call in at the siege of Silchester to see how Marshal Griflet is doing.
“It’s going splendidly,” says Griflet. “We’ve got the city sown up tighter than a size 12 foot in a size 10 shoe.”
“You’re not very good with similes,” notes Sir Breakius.
“Not really, no,” admits Marshal Griflet.
At that moment Sir Benji (cousin to Sir Uffo) appears on the scene. He looks troubled. “I’ve been struggling with this for days now but I feel I need to tell you this. There is a secret way into the city, an escape passage that only the family of Duke Ulfius know about. I can show you where it is.”
“Splendid!” says Marshal Griflet excitedly. “We can send a small team through there and crack this city open like a raw egg in a vice!”
Sir Benji looks at Marshal Griflet with a confused look on his face. “He’s not very good with similes,” explains Sir Breakius helpfully.
“It’s a good plan Griflet,” says Sir Owen, “but I’d wait for the mandatory 90 days of siege to be over first. If the defenders follow Arthur’s rules for the chivalrous siege then they should surrender anyway without the risk of bloodshed. If they don’t, use the secret way.”
“Wise counsel,” says Marhsal Griflet. “I shall follow your sound advice.”
The Attack on Barfluer
Observe, the port of Barfleur:
Hans Ollo explains that a large chain is drawn taught across the harbour entrance after dark, preventing ships from sailing in. There’s also an old Roman stone throwing machine set atop the tower, known locally as ‘The Scorpion’.
Our knights have managed to gather a rag tag team of fifty men to help them in their boat-burning endeavour. About forty of these men are Saxon volunteers; the rest are men of Hampshire. Of these men only about eight have any nautical experience at all. In addition to the men, the knights have one large sailing vessel (a mother ship if you will) and four smaller, faster long boats.
Their cunning plan hinges on waiting for nightfall and then taking out the winch house with speed and subtlety and quickly lowering the great chain that prevents access to the harbour. The rest of their team will then steal into the harbour in their long boats, set fire to the French ships and then escape in the confusion – job done!
Hans Ollo rows his little boat towards the dock. Alongside him sit Sir Breakius, Sir Owen and Marshal Arkan. The rest of their men are distributed amongst the other long boats, waiting to see the chain lower into the water. As he rows towards the winch house, Hans explains that the man who mans the winch house is a brute, a muscle bound giant named Chabal.
The boat bumps alongside the small section of harbour that juts beyond the chain. The knights help each other up onto the dock and rush along to the winch house. Wasting no time with stealth, they burst through the door and assault the startled men within. Chabal is indeed a brute and Marshal Arkan goes straight for him. The little winch house erupts into a cacophony of screaming men, breaking furniture and clashing steel.
Although noisy, the fight is brief and the surprised Frenchmen are quickly over-whelmed. Marshal Arkan and Sir Owen quickly turn the winch, lowering the chain into the waters of the harbour and their little flotilla of long boats slides in (some more gracefully than others!)
“Guys, I think we’ve been heard!” calls Sir Breakius from the doorway. “There’s a group of five soldiers heading this way.”
The Salisbury knights put their heads together and quickly come up with a plan of action that is both subtle and refined. They wait until the French soldiers are just outside the winch house … then Marshal Arkan charges out at them, screaming like a lunatic!
He shield barges the first Frenchman off the quay, stabs the second through the guts with his cursed sword, takes a critical hit from the third Frenchman and is then beaten into a bloody pulp by the last two. Before the soldiers can finish him off his companions are there, fighting off the soldiers and attempting to drag Arkan’s body out of any further harm. Fires have been started on a number of the French ships in the harbour but there seems to be a lot of confusion amongst the rest of their team and it sounds as though fighting has broken out in a number of places.
“There’re more soldiers coming!” yells Sir Breakius as he spots a knot of half a dozen French soldiers running down the quay towards them. “We’ve gotta get out of here!”
“That looks like Sir Uwe with them,, Uffo’s younger brother!” cries Sir Owen as he parries a sword slashing for his face.
“There’s no time to deal with him, we’ve got to get back to the boat!” yells Sir Breakius, kicking a Frenchman in the belly.
They scoop up Arkan’s comatose form and rush back to Hans Ollo’s boat. They drop the Marshal into the boat and then jump down after it, making the little vessel rock alarmingly. “Row! Row!” screams Sir Owen. Hans rows for all he’s worth. The French soldiers are left behind on the dockside but start throwing spears and knives at the British knights.
They’re almost out of range of the deadly missiles when there is a horrible tearing sound as Hans runs his boat aground on jagged rocks. A hole is torn in the bottom of the vessel and water starts seeping in.
“We’re all going to die!” states Sir Owen.
“Don’t worry, she’ll hold together,” says Hans Ollo.
As spears thunk into the side of the boat Breakius gasps “Our chances of getting out of this alive are approximately 3720 to 1!”
“Fuck off”” yells Hans Ollo.
“I don’t think he knows the quote!” whispers Sir Owen.
Finally Hans manages to get the boat off the rocks. Water starts pouring through the hole at an alarming rate. The knights block the gap with the only object they have to hand – Marshal Arkan’s unconscious and battered body! As they start rowing back to their mother ship, a large rock from ‘The Scorpion’ splashes into the water nearby. The boat is buffeted violently, water lashes over the sides and Sir Owen is washed overboard. He manages to grab hold of the gunwales of the boat and spends the rest of the escape being dragged along in the wake of Hans’s boat.
Once their surviving companions have all gathered back at the mother ship, they turn and head back for Logres. They’ve managed to set fire to three of the five big French ships but they’ve lost a lot of their own men and old Marshal Arkan has taken a serious wound (losing one more point from his rapidly dwindling ‘Appearance’ stat).
“I’m telling you, he’s gonna die of the ugly,” says Sir Owen ominously.
*
By the end of the year Silchester city surrenders but it transpires that Sir Uffo and his close family had already escaped the city!
* You can find the previous adventures of the Cardiff Boys on this geeklist.
-
-
The physician shakes his head sadly. “I’m sorry Lady Enid but there’s no mistaking it: Marshal Arkan has Ugly. Quite an advanced case if the tapestries and portraits of his early years are accurate.”
“Is there anything that can be done for him?” Enid asks between sobs.
“If the Marshal were, maybe twenty years younger, I would suggest a new hair cut or fashionable set of clothes, in extreme cases cosmetic chirurgery. On someone Arkan’s age this would come across as trying too hard and only draw attention to his condition. Because of his advanced years I’m afraid there is no cure.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to remember what his mentor the legendry physician Gregory of Howse would advise in this situation.
“If you can convince him to stop letting his enemy’s stab him in the face to prove how hard he is you may be able to slow down the spread of the Ugly. Also at night and during times of intimacy one of you should wear this paper bag over your head. As his condition progresses you might want to consider double bagging.”
“And this will help?”
“No. But at least you won’t have to look at him.”
-
-
i think all of team salsbury's are a bunch of ugo's
-
Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
-
OK...I have to say this- when I first started seeing these session reports, I shook my head. My inner grognard tut-tutted and my inner indie gamer groaned at the puns and jokes.
Now I delight when I spot one of these going through the Geekmod queue. I read them once and then again to catch all of the details. These are amazing fun.
Amazing fun.
-
Jim Patching
United Kingdom
Cardiff
-
Cheers Lowell. I guess it proves I'm very vain but comments like that really help spur me on to keep doing these
-
|
|
