Jim Patching
United Kingdom
Cardiff
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Phew, what a year 525 has been! The Frankish armies of King Clovis have been soundly defeated by the Britons. King Arthur is currently stationed in Paris, and with winter fast approaching, he’s concentrating on consolidating his hold on his new conquests. A Roman army led by the amusingly named General Cocta and senator Gainus has been crushed, but Rome is far from defeated. Word on the grapevine is that the Roman armies have retreated back to their province of Burgundy, although some reports suggest that they may have pulled back further to Gaul, or perhaps even to Italy itself!
The campaigning season is pretty much over but Arthur wants to get some idea as to the whereabouts of the Roman troops. To this end, he dispatches a number of small scouting parties; their job to sally forth into Burgundy and find out what’s occurring.
Our heroic knights (lest you forget who they are, I’m talking about Sirs Breakius, Hywel, Owen and Arkan) ride out into enemy territory. Accompanying them are their faithful backup knights Sir Le Beau, Sirs Hugo and Pierre, Sir Anthony of Carmine and Sir Wade.
After days riding with nary a sign of a Roman, they finally come upon a squat garrison watching over the entrance to a mountain pass. It flies the flag of Rome and our knights spot troops standing watch on the battlements. It’s not particularly big but it’s the first sign of enemy activity our knights have come across in Burgundy.
“What do we do?” wonders Sir Breakius.
“There’s no chance of us sneaking up on them,” notes Sir Owen. “There’s no cover at all, they’ll see us a mile off.”
“I don’t think we’ve got enough troops to take it,” appraises Sir Hywel.
“Maybe we could talk to them?” suggests Marshal Arkan. “Convince them to surrender to us?”
It’s an unusual suggestion for the Marshal to make (he would normal only suggest talking after exhausting all other options; other options being kill, maim, slaughter, crush and destroy) but the other knights agree it’s a good idea. They ride to the tower under a flag of parley where they’re met by the garrison commander, a man named Julius Verenus.
“We’re here to discuss the terms of your surrender,” states Marshal Arkan boldly.
The Roman doesn’t bat an eyelid. In reply he says “Let’s go down to the meadow by the river and discuss this further whilst partaking in the noble art of falconry. I take it you are proficient in the art of falconry?”
“Of course!” says Marshal Arkan, not wanting the Roman to think less of him
“Good, then let’s go toss some birds off.”
“Pardon me?”
“It’s official falconry term.”
Parleying with the Romans
The party head down to the meadow. Julius brings a servant carrying with a tray of delicacies for the men involved to nibble at. Launching his falcon with consummate skill, Julius asks “So why should I surrender my garrison to a mere nine British knights?”
“Because there’s plenty more of us coming,” says Arkan. He winces as Sir Breakius launches his falcon at the servant with the tray of nibbles, who screams and flees in panic. Sir Breakius runs after his bird trying his best to coax it back (that’s what you get for a fumbled falconry roll).
“Hmm, unorthodox technique,” muses Juilius. “I’ve obviously heard of the success of Arthur’s army in France.” He watches with some alarm as Marshal Arkan launches his falcon into the air as if it were a bolas.
“We’re coming for Rome next year,” says Arkan, watching with dismay as his falcon thuds into the ground, digging it’s own little furrow through the turf. “This little outpost of yours will get wiped out … if it’s still here when we return.”
“We’ve been asked to hold this pass at all costs,” says Julius, “but I must admit it feels as though we’ve been thrown to the dogs, simply to act as a delaying obstacle. The main army’s fled all the way back to Rome and we’re left out here on our own.”
Behind him the servant returns, dishevelled, only to turn and flee again as Sir Owen loses control of his falcon and launches it at the retainer (that’s what you get for another fumbled falconry roll).
“We’ll let you and your men leave with honour,” presses Marshal Arkan earnestly. “You can go back home to your families instead of throwing your lives away pointlessly. Just leave the gate of the tower open and all your weapons inside.”
Julius ponders for a moment. He’s obviously torn between his duty as an officer and his duty to the welfare of his men. Finally his shoulders sag and he says “Your offer is more than fair. I’ll turn my tower over to you and my men will leave with their lives. Oh, and you and your companions should really get some practice with falconry.”
“Couldn’t you have invited us to do something I’m good at?” asks Marshal Arkan. “Something like dancing?”
Julius looks at Arkan with an arched eye-brow. “Wouldn’t that strike you as a little odd?” In a parody of his own voice he mocks “Come down to the meadow with me for a little dance while we talk about matters of life and death?”
“Yeak, ok, now that you mention it ….”
“I’d be there doing my best ‘dad dancing’ – the quick two step forward, two step back, finger pistols shooting in the air. You’d be there doing the robot. All the while talking about the surrender of the keep.”
“Yeah, ok – “
“No music at all. We’re a military base, it’s not like we have a troop of minstrels to hand.”
“Ok.”
“World’s most ridiculous silent disco.”
“ALRIGHT!” snaps Marshal Arkan.
As the party return to the tower, Julius looks at his bedraggled servant, covertly points at Arkan and silently mouths the word “weirdo”.
Our knights stay the night at the tower before accepting the surrender of the Roman troops the following morning. True to their word, they allow the Romans to head home, before pushing deeper into Burgundy.
Further Adventure in Burgundy
Our knights travel through Burgundy, receiving a mostly positive reaction from the locals. They seem to welcome the Britons and are viewing them as liberators from their Roman overlords. There are clearly some small pockets of Roman troops left in the province and they encounter a group of them berating the population of a small village, making sure they know they’re still under the dominion of the Empire.
Our knights attack the Roman soldiers and a prolonged Skirmish is fought, ranging through the streets of the village, across the millstream and the surrounding orchards. The knights are successful and once again send the might of the Roman military machine packing.
Days later they come across a sorry scene. A wagon lies up-ended off to the side of the road. A man in armour lies face down in the grass nearby and a badly wounded woman sits slumped on a tree stump. The knights rush over to see what aid they can provide. The man is dead, apparently from a blow to the head, whilst the woman looks as though she’s been stabbed.
As Arkan administers first aid she gasps “You must help us! A terrible creature set upon us, killed my brother and took my father! It’s taken him to its lair in the caves yonder.” She points to a nearby cave entrance.
“What did the creature look like?” asks Arkan.
“It had six legs, was covered with scales and spines and had a mouth like the gates of hell.”
“Worry not, fair maiden, we’ll rescue your father and slay the beast.”
The knights quickly enter the cave, leaving Sir Anthony of Carmine to protect the wounded lady outside. The gloomy opening leads sharply downwards into the dank depths of the earth. Presently the passage widens into a chamber with no exits. A fetid pool of still water takes up at least half the chamber. As the knights cast their flaming torches about, trying to find some sign of the six-legged beast, the surface of the water is broken by the figure of a fair maiden resplendent in her birthday suit. She beckons at the knights invitingly.
“Do you think I was born yesterday?” scoffs Sir Owen, only to look on in astonishment at the sight of Sirs Breakius, Hywel and Arkan falling over themselves to enter the lady’s embrace. Arkan seems the most enraptured by the beautiful water nymph – he hand off’s Sir Breakius with a palm to the chops, trips up Sir Hywel and rushes into the water with his tongue practically hanging out.
As soon as he’s within reach, the mermaid grabs him in a deadly embrace and drags the Marshal under the surface. Whatever enchantment she had over the knights is broken and Arkan’s companions, led by Sir Owen, rush into the water to aid him. However, the mermaid has reinforcements herself, and other watery beings armed with tridents do their best to drive the knights out of the pool.
Arkan is a cantankerous old bastard and seems impossible to kill even when held underwater, unable to reach his beloved cursed sword and with watery beings stabbing him with tridents. After a wet and chaotic fight his companions manage to drive the mer-folk away and help the drenched Marshal out of the pool.
“I’m getting too old for this shit,” splutters Arkan.
Suddenly, from outside the cave, they hear the sound of Sir Anthony of Carmine scream. Whilst Sir Breakius administers first aid to Arkan; Hywel and Owen dash outside to find Anthony fighting for his life against the armoured form of the lady in distress’s ‘apparently’ dead brother. His visor is up and his face bears the exact likeness of Marshal Arkan, although it is slack and devoid of signs of life (a bit like Marshal Arkan first thing in the morning). Anthony is staggering and has blood leaking out of a wound on the back of his leg.
Our two knights rush down to help and between the two of them they manage to clobber the doppelganger into a bloodied heap. Anthony collapses to the ground and coughs up blood. His skin has gone a rather distressing grey colour.
“Anthony, stay with me!” cries Owen, falling to his knees next to his faithful household knight.
“It was Morganna,” Anthony gasps. “She was the lady, disguised with magic. She stabbed me. I think it was poisoned.” With a rattling gurgle, Sir Anthony of Carmine breathes his last.
As Owen curses the name of Morganna, Marshal Arkan and Breakius arrive on the scene.
“You haven’t finished there boys,” says Arkan, gesturing at the armoured doppelganger as it rises to its feet again. All four knights once again batter the un-natural creature into a pulp. Then just to make sure, they chop its limbs off and burn the assorted pieces.
Winter in Paris
The knights return to Paris as winter begins settling in. A large part of Arthur’s army is quartered in the city. Our knights make their home in an inn within the shadow of Notre Dame. There’s only so much entertainment to be found in a dark ages city in Winter. One night, Duke Hervis de Revel pays our knights a visit, looking for an entertaining evening gambling with cards.
“We’ll make it interesting,” says Duke Hervis. “If you win then I owe you a favour, something you can call in at any time. If I win, then you owe me a favour.”
Our brave knights all make their excuses.
“Sorry, I’m washing my hair,” mumbles Sir Hywel.
“Sorry, I have Sword 38, not Gambling 38,” states Marshal Arkan matter of factly.
Duke Hervis can’t help the look of disdain that crosses his face.
“I’m game for a game mon ami” drawls Sir Le Beau, pushing aside his most recently emptied bottle of wine.
“Excellent!” beams Duke Hervis.
Hervis and Le Beau game away into the night. It might possibly be due to the massive amounts of alcohol they both consume, but Sir Le Beau actually wins the game. Duke Hervis offers up a bit of information to him as his winnings – “Something you can sell to your friend Marshal Arkan” he whispers conspiratorially. “I know the whereabouts of Sir Uffo.”
“Great!” says Sir Le Beau. “Who’s Sir Uffo?”
“He’s the cad who kidnapped Marshal Arkan’s son. The oaf who rebelled against the king. He’s hiding out in a river-side tavern called The Boar.”
Sir Le Beau dutifully sells his information to Marshal Arkan (Le Beau wasn’t born yesterday and never gives anything away for free) and the knights immediately sally forth to the pub. It’s in a rough bit of town, is built right alongside the river Seine and out back has a jetty with a number of boats tethered to it.
Breakius sneaks straight down to the jetty and cuts the ropes tethering the boats to the shore, thereby ruining the exciting boat-borne get-away chase that the GM had planned. The rest of the knights enter the inn and demand to know where Uffo is hiding. Evidently the tavern is full of Uffo’s men as they all stand to defend their lord and attack the knights. Unfortunately for the tavern occupants, they weren’t expecting a fight and none of them are wearing armour. In short, it’s carnage and it’s not long before the taproom is splattered with the bloodied remains of Uffo’s men. As our knights push further into the building, Sir Owen takes a moment to toss a few coins to the barkeeper and says:
Uffo has clearly taken the brief opportunity afforded to him by the noble yet foolish stand of his men to escape out the back, along with two of his most trusted bodyguards. Unfortunately for him, Breakius is still out there, laying in wait to trip the escapees as they barrel through the back door. Breakius keeps Uffo and his men occupied just long enough for Arkan the Widowmaker to arrive on the scene.
Arkan didn’t live to be nearly 60 by fighting honourably and doesn’t allow Sir Uffo the luxury of donning armour. Sir Uffo is clearly shitting his pants at the prospect of one on one combat with the Widowmaker but you’ve got to give him credit, he has a go. Of course, it’s all for nought and Arkan wastes little time in chopping his head off.
Arkan 1 : Uffo 0
Sir Wade (Arkan’s son) is overjoyed that his kidnapper and tormenter has finally met his end. The head of the traitor is presented to King Arthur, who is pleased that a wanted criminal has been brought to justice.
The year 525 finally draws to a close.
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You can find the previous adventures of the Cardiff Boys on this Geeklist
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panzer-attack wrote:
Sir Wade (Arkan’s son) is overjoyed that his kidnapper and tormenter has finally met his end. The head of the traitor is presented to King Arthur, who is pleased that a wanted criminal has been brought to justice.
The year 525 finally draws to a close.
Woah, woah. I thought it was Hervis that tortured Wade not Uffo. It was certainly Hervis who we rescued him from.
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Jim Patching
United Kingdom
Cardiff
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IronJawa wrote: panzer-attack wrote:
Sir Wade (Arkan’s son) is overjoyed that his kidnapper and tormenter has finally met his end. The head of the traitor is presented to King Arthur, who is pleased that a wanted criminal has been brought to justice.
The year 525 finally draws to a close.
Woah, woah. I thought it was Hervis that tortured Wade not Uffo. It was certainly Hervis who we rescued him from.
Well, yeah, the torture was down to Hervis. Uffo was responsible for the general kidnapping and humiliation. Wade really wants to see Hervis get it in the neck, but whilst he's a bit untouchable (due to his status as a Duke) Wade'll settle for seeing Uffo get some payback.
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Lowell Francis
United States
South Bend
Indiana
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panzer-attack wrote: Breakius sneaks straight down to the jetty and cuts the ropes tethering the boats to the shore, thereby ruining the exciting boat-borne get-away chase that the GM had planned.
Bastards!
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edige23 wrote: panzer-attack wrote: Breakius sneaks straight down to the jetty and cuts the ropes tethering the boats to the shore, thereby ruining the exciting boat-borne get-away chase that the GM had planned. Bastards!
I'm not exactly sure how great that boat chase would have been considering that Team Sailsbury has a combined boating skill of 5.
Now that I think about it all the skills that were required to face the challenges that week involved skills which the group simply doesn't have.
Combined Team Sailsbury Falconry skill: 8
Combined Team Salisbury Gaming skill: 8
It's almost like someone looked at our charactersheets and picked things he knew we couldn't do....  
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Jim Patching
United Kingdom
Cardiff
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IronJawa wrote: edige23 wrote: panzer-attack wrote: Breakius sneaks straight down to the jetty and cuts the ropes tethering the boats to the shore, thereby ruining the exciting boat-borne get-away chase that the GM had planned. Bastards! I'm not exactly sure how great that boat chase would have been considering that Team Sailsbury has a combined boating skill of 5. Now that I think about it all the skills that were required to face the challenges that week involved skills which the group simply doesn't have. Combined Team Sailsbury Falconry skill: 8 Combined Team Salisbury Gaming skill: 8 It's almost like someone looked at our charactersheets and picked things he knew we couldn't do....
Yes, it is a little like that isn't it .... I'll teach that Sword 40 bastard! 
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yup, first rule of any trap, cut of their escape. next rule is stick your leg out when they open the door and swing an axe just like the scene in the shining..
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