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Subject: Speaking of spicy foods and genitals... rss

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Josh Jennings
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San Diego
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Orangemoose's post over the weekend brought a repressed memory to the surface. I thought that I would share it with everyone, so here it is in all of its glory:

The story starts with a house party. It was nothing crazy; just ten people or so relaxing, eating good food, and drinking some beer. Some of us were a bit bored at the time and we had some fresh jalapeños on hand. So six of us decided to play a little game. Here are the rules:

1. Everyone played rock paper scissors at the same time.
2. Everyone continues to play until only two of the three symbols are thrown.
3. Whoever threw the losing symbol repeats steps 1-3 until only one person remains.
4. The final remaining player takes a bite of the raw jalapeño.


The game went on just like this for a while and we had some fun with it. Some people seemed unluckier than others and had consumed quite a bit of the spicy pepper and there was much laughter to be had by all.

Let it be known at this point in the story that my friends and I have been known to be devious pranksters and, on occasion, colossal jackasses to boot.

One of my friends who was not playing the jalapeño game decided that he wanted to have a bit of fun with us. Unbeknownst to any of us playing the game, he reached into his cabinet and pulled out this:



For the uninitiated, this hot sauce is so spicy that you actually have to sign a waiver when you buy it. If you were to chug the contents of the bottle you would most likely die. That's how nasty this stuff is. 800,000 scovilles is essentially three times as hot as a habañero pepper. This hot sauce is, as they say, "hotter than Hell."

My friend took out his bottle of hot sauce and with a toothpick applied just a drop to the tip of the next jalapeño that we were to use. Suffice to say that the loser of the next game was quite surprised when the pepper was much hotter than he thought. The poor guy was fanning his mouth and complaining about the heat for a good five minutes.

Not being one to let an opportunity pass, my friend pulled a beer from the fridge and popped the cap. Then, with his finger, he smeared a drop of the satan's blood around the rim of the bottle. He then handed the bottle to his poor victim with a smile and said, "Drink this. It will help with the heat."

We were tittering like schoolgirls as we watched him raise the bottle to his lips. After a couple sips his eyes opened wide with surprise. At this point we couldn't contain ourselves and we burst into full laughter. The victim was bouncing up-and-down clutching his mouth and cursing profusely. We had a good chuckle about it and resumed with our party.

... [30 minutes later] ...

I was now sitting on the couch playing some sort of video game while the party continued behind me. It was at this point that the prior victim decided that he should enact his revenge upon me. The assailant came from my blind side. I had only a split second to notice something out of the corner of my eye. With cat-like reflexes I swatted away the instrument of attack. As I looked over, there stood the victim of the earlier prank with a chopstick in his hand. On the end of the chopstick was a generous helping of our favorite, devilish hot sauce. He was apparently aiming for my mouth in a vain attempt to enact retribution for the ribbing that I gave him at his prior misfortune.

Smug in my victory, I returned to my game and thought nothing of the incident. After another 30 minutes to an hour the party had wound down and most people had left. At this point I decided to make use of the restroom. As I stood there with my manhood in hand I suddenly felt a tingling sensation. "Hmmm? What is this?" I thought. Then it hit me. When I was attacked with the chopstick I got some of the hot sauce on my hand and had never washed it. I had little time to regret my actions as my whole crotchal region burst into flames.

The rest of the story is basically just me rolling on the floor and cursing for the next 20 minutes straight. In the end karma had come back to bite me hard (in the genitals). Needless to say, I stay as far away from that hot sauce as possible now.
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Nebraska
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Logging plays since 2004
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Da red wunz go fasta!
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And thus your username?
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Andy Andersen
United States
Ada
Michigan
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thermogimp wrote:
I had little time to regret my actions as my whole crotchal region burst into flames.


Hahahahahaha
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Gary Heidenreich
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Karma.
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fightcitymayor
United States
Pittsburgh
Pennsylvania
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Proprietor and Chairman Emeritus of The Naughty Palace
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CJ
United Kingdom
Gosport
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http://www.hotsauceworld.com/source.html

7.1 million scovilles. Just saying...
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Andy Andersen
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Ada
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elgin_j wrote:
http://www.hotsauceworld.com/source.html

7.1 million scovilles. Just saying...


Wow devil
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Christian Jorgensen
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This was nearly the reason I stopped using fresh chilli that I had to chop up in my cooking.

First accident involved me somehow getting some up my nose. No fun at all.

Second accident involved me getting some in my eye. A whole lot less fun than the nose incident.

At this point I cut my losses, and stopped buying fresh chilli. Given my track record I could see what was going to happen sooner or later.

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午餐先生
United States
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I got some hot sauce on my eye once. That's the first and only time I can recall being able to feel the entire surface of my eye.
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Ken Shogren
United States
Rochester
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Don't be a wimp. This...

16 Million Reserve


...is like crystal hot sauce crack. A 16,000,000 s.u. extract.

I think* when they ship it, you have to pay for hazardous material handling.



* : that is to say, I think I will make it up cause it probably should be true if it isn't.
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Josh Jennings
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San Diego
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No doubt there are hotter sauces out there. I have yet to apply any of them to my nether-regions.
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Ronnie
United States
Carrollton
Texas
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We wanna be free. We wanna be free to do what we wanna do. And we wanna play games. And we wanna have a good time. And that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna have a good time; We're gonna have a party...
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You really did go "balls on fire!"
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jonathanWC
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So the cohost on my podcast went to Buffalo Wild Wings with a date. He took their challenge where you eat x amount of their spiciest wings and win a headband. I know that they aren't as spicy as anything discussed here, but still.

Anyways, later that night they went back to her place. He was getting lucky, attempted to pleasure her orally, but hadn't washed all the hot sauce off his lips apparently.

They are no longer dating.

It made a great "old timey" commercial for our podcast though! Johnny Dollar's Spicy Buffalo Lipbalm! Make that romance steam come out of her ears!!
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