Every Man Needs A Shed

Life and Games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell: Dad, Husband and Independent UK Game Designer, Agricola fanboy and jealous admirer of Carl Chudyk.

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FLGS 27 (Names)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
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designer
Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(we are in your friendly local game store; the shelves are stocked with all the usual suspects as well as having an annex positively groaning with second-hand and rare items. The front window is cracked and taped up; there is a wooden panel covering a large hole where criminal types had broken the glass, reached in and placed several copies of Scandaroon on to the Game of the Week plinth. The sky looks ominously grey and speckles of rain are spattering against the door and what remains of the window. A customer is finalising their transaction with the Cashier)

Cashier:(counting out change) ...and eight and nine and one more makes ten! Thank you, Sir.

Customer: (taking his bag and turning to leave) Goodbye.

(the customer opens the door and is immediately seized by a howling Twister; he disappears in to the man-sized maelstrom, screaming. We glimpse, briefly, his outstretched hand and the swinging, transparent plastic carrier: the game inside is Nice Weather)

Cashier: (mumbling) It’s a good job he didn’t buy Knives & Axes...

Door Bell: (a new customer enters) *dingle dingle ding-ding-ding-dingle*

Cashier: (tutting) I still think that bell is too ostentatious!

Customer: (removing his hat; underneath is an identical, but smaller, hat) Good morning, Shopkeeper

Cashier: Good morning, Sir; how may I help you today?

Customer: I’m looking for a few board games (unfolds a piece of paper from his overcoat pocket)

Cashier: Well, Sir, we’re a board game shop; we should be able to help!

Customer: Silly Sidney

Cashier: (blushing) Oh, Sir...

Customer: Is your name ‘Sidney’? (laughs) Actually, the first item on my list is called ‘Silly Sidney’! How serendipitous!

(they both chuckle)

Cashier: I don’t think we have that one, Sir.

Customer: (consulting his list again) No matter: ShIt Happens..

Cashier: Indeed.

Customer: No, I mean the gameShit Happens’!

(they both chuckle again, a little forcedly)

Cashier: Ha-ha! Right! (glances over at a corner shelf) We don’t have it at the moment, Sir

Customer: Knit Wit!

Cashier: (slightly hurt) Oh, but we do try and keep a good range, Sir, but you’ll appreciate that...

Customer: No! Matt Leacock’s new one: Knit Wit?

Cashier: (peeved) No, Sir; its official release date is next Friday, Sir.

Customer: Oh, dear; I’m not having much luck, am I? Bollox

Cashier: No, Sir; you’re not. And we don’t have that either…

Customer: (crossing out something on the list) No, Sidney; I don’t want ‘Bollox’, I was simply expressing my frustration...

Cashier: (trying to read the piece of paper) What else is on your list, Sir?

Customer: Verruckte Koche, Juggler...

Cashier: Um...

Customer: Knobello, Fungus...Shafted, Up the Creek...

Cashier: (scowling) Er…

Customer: Happy Dog, Faqir...

Cashier: (interrupting angrily) I think that’s quite enough, Sir!

Customer: Well, I...

Cashier: (continuing) It seems you’re deliberately concatenating the names of old and new games in order to be rude and insulting...

Customer: Kiddy Poker...

Cashier: (punching the customer in the face hard) Bloody Hell!

Customer: (holding his nose) Yez! Yez! Bloody Hell - dat wuds od by lizd! Loog! (holds out the paper for the cashier to see)

Cashier: (reading) So it is...and we have it in stock. (he fetches it) That will be £74.99, Sir…

Customer: Thieving Jerks!

Cashier: Indeed. Now...Fuck Off, You Tiresome Cunt!.

Customer: (aggrieved and in pain, he departs) Dats nod duh nabe of a real gabe...

FIN
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Thu Mar 17, 2016 6:45 am
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FLGS 26 (repeat)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
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designer
Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
Avatar
Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(we are in an FLGS; it is well-stocked with goodies. Through the front window, you can see the heat-haze of a baking afternoon as the merest of dry winds disturbs motes of red dust. A customer is handing over money in exchange for a large white box, the writing upon which is obscured.)

Cashier: (calling after) Thank you and have a very good day, Sir

Customer 1: (cheerilly) ...and you!

(he departs; the cashier returns to perusing the latest issue of Dice Fetishists Monthly which, apparently, takes a look at d12s "as you've never seen them before!")

Doorbell: (slightly out-of-tune) *Dingley-dingle-da-ding*

(a customer enters; he is wearing a heavy overcoat, knotted scarf and a furry hat with flaps to cover his ears. He stamps his feet on the welcome mat, dislodging clumps of snow.)

Cashier: (cheerfully) Good morning, Sir

Customer 2: (removing his hat) ..and a very good morning to you, shopkeeper

Cashier: (putting the magazine, cover down, surreptitiously) And can I help you today, Sir?

Customer 2: Well, I'd really like a copy of T.I.M.E Stories but it seems really hard to find!

Cashier: It's certainly a very popular game!

Customer 2: Do you HAVE a copy?

Cashier: Well, as it happens I have literally just sold the last copy to that gentleman (points in the direction of the person who just left)

Customer 2: Oh...that's disappointing.

Cashier: Sorry, Sir.

Customer 2: (pensive) Hmmmmm...no matter. Thanks anyway! (he departs)

Cashier: (mournfully) Oh, well. (he returns to his periodical which has candid holiday snaps of some custom Waggle Dance dice)



(we are in an FLGS; it is well-stocked with goodies. Through the front window, you can see the heat-haze of a baking afternoon as the merest of dry winds disturbs motes of grey dust. A customer is handing over money in exchange for a large white box, the writing upon which is obscured.)

Cashier: (calling after) Thank you and have a very good day, Sir

Customer 1: (cheerilly) ...and you!

(he makes to depart...suddenly, the door bursts open and another man rushes in. He punches the first customer in the nose, shoves him up against the door - cracking the door bell in the process - and wrestles the newly-bought parcel from his hands.)

Customer 1: (crying out) What the..!!!

Customer 2: (pulling the box out of the others hands and rushing out) I'll...just...have...THAT!

Cashier: (running out from behind the counter) Hey! Stop that!

Customer 2: (shoves both cashier out of the way and scarpers off down the street) Ha!



(we are in an FLGS; it is well-stocked with goodies. Through the front window, you can see the heat-haze of a baking afternoon as the merest of dry winds disturbs motes of yellow dust. A customer is handing over money in exchange for a large white box, the writing upon which is obscured.)

Cashier: (calling after) Thank you and have a very good day, Sir

Customer 1: (cheerilly) ...and you!

(he makes to depart...suddenly, the door bursts open and another man rushes in. He tries to punch the first customer in the nose but he dodges, artfully, to one side and ripostes with a punch of his own to the assailant's temple.)

Customer 1: (triumphantly) Take THAT, you villain!

Cashier: (running out from behind the counter) Hey! What on Earth..!

(Customer 1 leaves, laughing to himself; Customer 2 lies on the floor, groaning)

Cashier: I shall be calling the police if you don't leave immediately!



(we are in an FLGS; it is well-stocked with goodies. Through the front window, you can see the heat-haze of a baking afternoon as the merest of dry winds disturbs motes of white dust. A customer is about to hand over some money.)

Cashier: (to Customer 1) I'm afraid we've sold out, Sir...

Customer 1: (confused) But, I...

(a customer enters; he is wearing a heavy overcoat, knotted scarf and a home-made bobble hat that covers his ears. He stamps his feet on the welcome mat, dislodging clumps of snow.)

Cashier: (to the entering Customer) Before you ask, I'm afraid we've sold out, Sir!

(Both customers exchange confused glances, shrug their shoulders and leave together - empty handed)

Cashier: (picking up his copy of The Sprew Fanciers Gazette; he mumbles to himself) Oh look! An exposé on the 'hanging chad' - I may need to close the shop for a few minutes!
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Sun Dec 20, 2015 9:01 am
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FLGS 25 (Winner)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(we are in an up-to-the-minute, well-stocked, light-and-airy FLGS; the front window has been given over to a Summery ‘Insect’ theme with copies of Hive, Waggle Dance, Cockroach Poker, Hornetrunner, Beetlelore, Fire & Thoraxe, Coccoonsonne and a few games by Reiner Gnatzia. The cashier is stood facing the entrance, eagerly anticipating the arrival of a customer. Outside it is foggy; a fog so thick you cannot see the corneas in front of your eyes. A pair of hands slam, suddenly, against the glass of the front door and are dragged slowly toward the ground leaving a smeared trail of Vegemite and Tartar Sauce; they disappear for a moment, then the door opens: a be-suited gentleman enters)

Bell: *dingley-dingley-ding*

Customer: Good afternoon; I wonder if you might have a copy of…

Cashier: (pressing a button on the counter with his thumb and shouting) Ta-dahhhhhhh!!!

(there is a loud bang, the customer jumps – startled - and a shower of tiny silver tickets falls on to him; the cashier throws his arms up in to the air)

Customer: What the..?!?!?!?!?!?

Cashier: (joyfully) Congratulations! (he takes the customer’s hand and shakes it vigorously) You are our seventeenth customer this morning: have a prize!

(the cashier retrieves a Kickstarter edition of Ogre and shoves it in to the arms of the customer)

Customer: (surprised, shifts under the weight) Well, I…er…

Cashier: (taking a photograph) Just a few snaps for the website, Facebook page and Twitter feed!

Customer: Um, I’m not sure if…

Cashier: (puts phone away; becomes business-like) And how can I help you today, Sir?

Customer: (picking foil bits out of his hair) I am looking for a copy of The Voyages of Marco Polo

Cashier: (scratching his chin) Who’s the designer?

Customer: I think it’s Simone Luciani…

Cashier: Anyone else?

Customer: …Daniele Tascini?

Cashier: (excitedly presses the button again) …is the CORRECT ANSWER!!!

Something on the Ceiling: *BANG!!!* (more silver confetti fountains from above; the customer is, momentarily, lost in a sparkling column)

Cashier: (blowing tarrara-boom-de-ay on a hastily retrieved trumpet) Luciani and Tascini indeed! Have another prize!

(the cashier retrieves a tower of Lord of the Rings LCG expansions and tumbles them in to the arms of the customer, who has little mounds of metallic paper on his head and shoulders)

Customer: Gosh., I…um…never expected to…

Cashier: (looking to a small group of RPG supplement browsers sheltering from direct sunlight in the corner) Didn’t he do well? Eh? Didn’t he?

RPG-ers: (as one, in a dull monotone chorus) Yes. He did well. (one of them starts slow handclapping but stops when no-one else joins in)

Cashier: So…you HAVE the copy of Ogre…you HAVE the copy of the expansions….is there anything else I can help you with today, Sir?

Customer: (warily) Again...The Voyages of Marco Polo?

Cashier: New or second-hand, Sir?

Customer: (pauses) New?

(the RPG-ers all give out a spontaneous ‘oooooooooooh’)

Cashier: Is that your final answer?

RPG-er who clapped: (shouting) Take the second-hand copy!

Another RPG-er: (heckling) Stick with the one in shrink!

Customer: Er…um…well…

Cashier: I’m going to have to push you for an answer, Sir!

Customer: New!..No, second-hand! I pick second-hand!

Cashier: (retrieving an scuffed copy of The Voyages of Marco Polo from under the counter) You chose: ‘a second hand copy’ of The Voyages of Marco Polo…

Customer: (visibly trembling) Yes, um…

(the cashier lifts the lid away from himself, theatrically, so that he is the only one who can see the inside)

Cashier: (shouting in the man’s face) …is the WRONG answer!!!

(the RPG-ers howl in dismay; a klaxon honks repeatedly, accompanied by spinning red lights. The customer looks up in response to yet another bang, only this time an enormous piano crashes through the ceiling and crushes him completely with a deafening ‘SPRONG!!!’. A lower leg and twitching arm are visible, sticking out of the side of the collapsed wooden mess.)

Cashier: (sighing and shaking his head) They always get greedy!

RPG-er who clapped: (picking something up from the floor) Excuse me? A gold-coloured voucher just fell out of this copy of Achtung, Cthulu!...

Cashier: (looking up) What did you say? (he presses the button...)
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Wed Aug 12, 2015 6:32 am
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FLGS 24 (Clans)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
A Spammy, Sketchy Sunday Snippet


(I was really pleased with this the first time round - 4 years ago - and it fits in to the FLGS series rather seamlessly, so...)

(Once again we find ourselves in the point-of-sale area of a generic FLGS; the counter-top is strewn with WoW booster wrappers, tobacco strands and faded copies of Counter from 2003. There is a huge, I mean HUGE, pile of ‘take one, they’re free!’ Mannequin Pis’s. A punter approaches the FLGS owner, who is behind aforementioned counter wrestling with an inflatable alligator)

Punter: Morning

Owner: Morning (punching the alligator to the ground)

Punter: Well, what have you got?

Owner: Well, there's Fresco…Fresco and Clans…Pastiche, Fresco and Clans…7 Wonders, Clans, Pastiche, Nightfall, Fresco and Clans…Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Navegador, Fresco and Clans…Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Great Fire of London, Ankh Morpork prototype, 1853 and Clans…or

(Other punters browsing the $10 or less bargain bin turn to the counter and begin singing)


Browsers: Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans…

Owner: Shadd-ap! Shadd-appp!

Browsers: (diminuendo) Clans…clans…clans

Owner: (continuing) or Thunderstone: Dragonspire complimented by Furstenfeld, Twilight Struggle and El Grande packaged with Notre Dame, Through The Ages, Alhambra and topped off with Adlungland and Clans.

Punter: Have you got anything without Clans?

Owner: There’s 7 Wonders, Clans, Pastiche, Nightfall, Fresco and Clans…that’s not got much Clans in it

Punter: I don’t like Clans!

Owner: Why don’t you have Troyes, Glory To Rome, Clans and Erosion

Punter: That’s got Clans in it

Owner: Not as much as 7 Wonders, Clans, Pastiche, Nightfall, Fresco and Clans

Punter: Couldn't you do me Troyes, Glory To Rome, Clans and Erosion without the Clans?

Owner: (dry retching) Eurgghhh!

Punter: What do you mean: "Eurgghhh!"! I DON'T LIKE CLANS!

Browsers: (starting up again) LOVER-LY CLANS, WONDERFUL CLANS ETC

Owner: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Bloody browsers! You can't have Troyes, Glory To Rome, Clans and Erosion without the Clans

Punter: I DON'T LIKE CLANS!

Shelf-Stocker: (overhearing, stepping up to the counter) Shhh, love, don’t cause a fuss - I’ll have your Clans – I love it (especially the cute little huts)…I’m having Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Merchants & Marauders, Clans, Clans, Clans and Clans!

Browsers: LOVELY CLANS, WONDERFUL CLANS etc

Owner: Shaddap! Shaddap! (to the shelf-stocker) Sold out of Merchants & Marauders…

Shelf-Stocker: Can I have her (pointing to the punter) Clans instead?

Owner: You mean you want Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans, Clans and Clans?

(starts the Browsers off again)

Browsers: LOVELY CLANS, WONDERFUL CLANS…CLANS, CLANS, CLANS, CLANS…

(in harmony, repeat to fade)


END
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Sun Jul 5, 2015 7:00 am
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FLGS 23 (repeat)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
flag msg tools
designer
Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
Avatar
Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(With apologies to Mitchell & Webb)

(we are outside an FLGS; a few items are distinguishable in the window but most of the contents are obscured by the reflected light of a strongly-sunny day)

Aggressive Voice Over: Coming up on today's Eff Ell Gee Ess...

(cut to interior. the customer is addressing a cheerful looking Cashier stood behind the counter)

Cashier: Can I help you, Sir?

Customer: Yes. I'm looking for a game for my friend.

Aggressive Voice Over: (cut to exterior) Tony is looking for a game for his friend!

Customer: (cut to interior) I'm looking for a game for my friend.

Aggressive Voice Over: But has he come to the right place? Find out in Part 2 of 'Eff Ell Gee Ess'!

(cut to the exterior again)

Aggressive Voice Over: Previously on 'Eff Ell Gee Ess': Tony...

(cut to Cashier)

Cashier: Can I help you, Sir?

Aggressive Voice Over: ...is looking for a game for his friend...

(ripple fade to Customer)

Customer: I'm looking for a game for my friend.

Cashier: Well, you've come to the right place!

Aggressive Voice Over: (cut to exterior) ...but has he come to the right place?

(cut to Cashier)

Cashier: Well, you've come to the right place! This is, after all, a 'Games Shop'!

Customer: Yes, that's what I was thinking.

Aggressive Voice Over: (cut to exterior) But HAS Tony got his thinking right? He THINKS he's in the right place but will he get that game he needs?

Customer: (cut to interior) I'm looking for a game for my friend.

Aggressive Voice Over: (cut to exterior) Find out in Part 3 of 'Eff Ell Gee Ess'!

(cut to the exterior again)

Aggressive Voice Over: Coming up on 'Eff Ell Gee Ess'...

(cut to Cashier)

Cashier: (holding up The Castles of Burgundy) How about 'The Castles of Burgundy', Sir? (freezes)

Aggressive Voice Over: The cashier makes a suggestion... (unfreezes)

Cashier: (holding up The Castles of Burgundy) How about 'The Castles of Burgundy', Sir?

Aggressive Voice Over: But what will Tony's reaction be?

Customer: (cut to interior) I'm looking for a game for my fr...
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Mon May 11, 2015 7:05 am
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(exit, pursued by a bear)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
flag msg tools
designer
Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
Avatar
Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
Last weekend I visited my FLGS. The proprietor and his amply-bosomed wife were both behind counter; the man was sorting a display of Chess sets, his wife was reading a games magazine.

Seeing the wide range of boards and pieces, I cheerfully remarked that I was a 'big Chess fan' and the woman slapped me! "No, you misunderstand! Chess...the game!" I told them of my family's Victorian play set and how I liked nothing more than fiddling with an old Queen or admiring my extensive Pawn collection...but got only sour looks.

I looked at the comprehensive game library and asked 'Do you have Monster Kids?' He punched me. I said 'I want to play with your Dwarven Miner' and he punched me again! Changing the subject, I saw the war game shelf and asked if his A.S.L was for sale?

Dabbing my now-bleeding nose, I asked if I might have a glimpse of his wife's Spielbox then he biffed me a third time!

"Worker placement" I said.
"What about it?" He answered.
I said I'd not been very good at them up to now and that I'd like some suggestions; I couldn't 'Caylus', but I'd very much like to 'manage a Troyes'. One of the other customers came over and walloped me.

Fearing for my continued safety, I asked to buy Love Letter and he sold me a packet of condoms; I said "Condoms? In a game shop?". He said they were really good 'deck protectors'.

Trying a final time, I wondered - aloud - "Pick-a-Polar-Bear?". When I heard the almighty roar from the stock room, I departed in much haste!
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Fri Apr 10, 2015 8:24 am
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FLGS 22 (Bona)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(we are in a delightfully-decorated FLGS. There is a sign painted on the glass: ‘Bona Games’. All of the display tables have cloths, the window is draped with an iridescent fabric backdrop and a primus stove is hissing away behind the counter heating up a whistling kettle. A customer enters: he is a smartly-dressed Senior business type. He steps up to the counter and, firmly, rings the bell)

Bell: *ding*

Customer: (looking at the Bell) Hmmm, that’s rather pleasing…

(the Customer dings it again)

Bell: *da-ding*

Customer: Delightful.

(two smartly-dressed gentlemen mince in to the shop from the Stock Room)

Jules: (it’s Hugh Paddick, basically) Hmm – ooh, ‘ello! My names Jeuxlian and this is my friend Sandy; but you can call me Jules.

Sandy: (it’s Kenneth Williams, basically) ‘Ello there, Mr ‘orne! Lovely! Lovely to vada your dolly old ‘eek!

Jules: ‘Ang on, Sand, this is a game store; you should be saying ‘dolly old GEEK’

(Jules and Sandy laugh)

Customer: Indeed!

Sandy: Come in, come in, Mr ‘Orne. Have a troll around!

Customer: Thank you.

Jules: Sorry we weren’t here to greet you, Mr Horne, but me an Sandy were out the back on the BGG website; I was thumbing my Geekbuddy…

Sandy: …and I was “pushing up me Ratings”…

Jules: (aside, to the Customer) He used to be in the Navy, you know!

Sandy: Anyways, Mr ‘Orne; how can we help you this morning?

Customer: Well, I was hoping to pick up one of those more involving ‘European’ board games, actually…

Sandy: (delighted) Oooooh, yes; we’ve got plenty of those in, Mr ‘Orne; you’ll find a lot of meat in our boxes…

Jules: LOTS to get to grips with, Mr Horne.

Customer: I see. What can you recommend?

Jules: Well. Would you be interested in ‘worker placement’?

Customer: Worker placement?

Jules: You just pop your dobber in a vacant slot and bingo!

Sandy: …Jules is big fan of getting Wood…

Customer: I’m sure that he is

Sandy: (mockingly indignant) Ooooh! Innee bold!

Jules: (wistfully) In fact I’ll be playing with Lewis and Clark later.

Sandy: You might like a good ‘Queen’, Mr ‘Orne.

Customer: I’m sorry?

Sandy: Queen Games; they’re German, you know.

Jules: (echoing) German.

Sandy: Or maybe you’d like a classic Lookout?

Customer: (ducks quickly) Aaarrgh!

Sandy: No, Mr ‘Orne; not ‘Look Out!’…’Lookout’, they’re German too. You ‘aven’t lived unless you’ve tasted their Sceptre of Zavandor.

Jules: That IS nice, yes. Sceptre.

Customer: Have you got anything more mainstream?

Sandy: Mainstream, you say? Well, you could always get your ‘ands on a Feld?

Jules: I’ve heard nothing but good things about his Luna…

Customer: What about the ‘top 100’ games; have you got any of those?

Sandy: Well we’ve got a few ‘adapa-tations’ of our own, you know; in our own Bona Reprint Editions.

Customer: Such as?

Jules: Well there’s Glory To Omi…

Sandy: …Polari-eyetee, Nanti Thanks, Willets Memo and, of course, there’s always a Nightlight Struggle…

Customer: Shouldn’t that be a Twilight Struggle?

Jules: Speak for yourself, Mr Horne, but Sandy’s very protective of the contents of our latty…

Sandy: Very. I don’t like ‘im messin’ with me ornamentation.

Customer: I see. Well, maybe I’ll just take this and be on my way (picks up a copy of Braggart)

Jules: (sulkily) Suit yerself, Mr Horne.

Sandy: (as Jules wraps the game) Are you sure we can’t tempt you to partake in a fairy tale? Or maybe Crokinhole?

Jules: You leave his ‘ole out of it, Sand!

(the door opens and in walk a pair of surfer dudes with bronzed, toned physiques wearing nothing but swimming trunks)

Customer: (to the visitors) Good morning, gentlemen; I’m Kenneth Horne.

New Customer: (effeminately) Oooh, ‘ello. I’m Lewis…and this is my friend Clark

(everyone looks out at you, mugging; somewhere a quacking trumpet plays a descending, three note scale: wharp-wharp-whaaaaaaaaaaarp)

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Fri Feb 27, 2015 2:24 pm
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FLGS 20 (Helpful)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(we are in a friendly, local game store; the window display is currently given over to a mannequin dressed as a Catholic priest leering over a couple of Carol-singing altar boys bearing a sign between them: "A Choir's Fear by Stefan Feld - Now in Stock!". A customer half-walks, half-runs along the pavement holding his briefcase over his head to protect him from a heavy shower. The cashier has his back to us and is restocking some high shelves with 18-card card games.)

Door Bell: *dingley-ding-ding-dingle*

Cashier: (balancing the last of the Empire Engines in an improvised toast rack) ...be with you in a minute, Sir...

Customer: (lowers his briefcase, a large puddle of collected water splashes across the counter and all over the cashier) No matter.

(blithely unaware of his soaking, the Cashier turns around; he is wearing a tee-shirt with the words "Nothing is too much trouble" printed on it) Can I help?

Customer: (glances at the tee-shirt) Nothing is too much trouble, eh?

Cashier: (proudly) That's correct, Sir; we certainly put the 'F' in FLGS!

Customer: (arches an eyebrow) I see. Then, I wonder, do you have a copy of Keyflower to hand?

Cashier: Indeed I do, Sir (he pulls a copy from a nearby shelf) One copy of Keyflower, Sir...

Customer: That's marvellous...only...

Cashier: Only what, Sir?

Customer: ...only I don't like the Yellow meeples; would it be possible to remove the yellow meeples and, perhaps, replace them with another colour...

Cashier: Remove the yellow meeples?

Customer: ...for Black...

Cashier: Well, it's a bit difficult because...

Customer: (interrupting) That wouldn't be too much trouble would it?

Cashier: (puffing out his chest) No, of course not, Sir - I'll just break open a copy of a different game...(he does this, removing all of the black pieces)...um, there doesn't seem to be enough...

Customer: (waiting, he coughs) Ahem.

Cashier: (fetches another copy) I'll scavenge from another copy to make up the numbers...(he does so)

Customer: (pointing at the un-punched hex tile sheets) Of course, you'll need to change all the yellow on those tiles so they're black...

Cashier: Well, um...

Customer: ...no trouble, is it?

Cashier: (resolute) No trouble at all, Sir - just let me fetch a marker pen...

Customer: Would that be a permanent or non-permanent marker pen?

Cashier: Er...permanent.

Customer: (shaking his head in dismay) Oh no, no, no, no, no. Tut tut tut. That won't do at all!

Cashier: (confused) Why not, Sir?

Customer: Well what happens if I subsequently want to sell it on the secondhand market? I can hardly sell a permanently-defaced copy now, can I?

Cashier: But you haven't bought THIS one, yet? And what about the yellow meeples I'm throwing out?

Customer: I didn't say to throw them out, I just asked for you to replace them - obviously you should keep them here in case I wish to pass the copy on to someone else...at some indeterminate point in the future...I'm sorry if I'm being too much trouble?

Cashier: (horrified at the mere suggestion) Perish the thought, Sir...a non-permament marker it is, then...

Customer: Or, perhaps, an easy-peel sticker of some kind?

Cashier: (tetchily) Where would I get...(reins himself in)...won't be a tick, Sir...(goes in to the back room)

Customer: (calling after him) I think you might have made a mistake on the window diorama, by the way!

(The customer ambles over to the remainder stock bin and begins picking out Playing Card decks and throwing them on to the floor. The Cashier returns carrying a sheaf of sticker sheets.)

Cashier: Sir?

Customer: (still picking) I hate Bicycle brand...

Cashier: (distracting the Customer) Your copy of Keyflower...I'll put the Yellow meeples in a baggie and keep them behind the counter...these are eco-friendly labels that can be cut to shape. (putting the lid on) That will be forty pounds, please.

Customer: Forty English pounds?

Cashier: Ye-es?

Customer: But I've only got Scottish pounds - is that going to be a problem?

Cashier: (goes slightly glassy-eyed) I shouldn't think so.

Customer: Because I really don't want to be any trouble.

Cashier: That will be fine.

Customer: They're individual pound notes...

Cashier: No worries.

Customer: ...and they're probably counterfeit...

Cashier: I'll take the risk.

Customer: ...and they've been smeared with dog-shit...

Cashier: I have gloves.

Customer: ...and I only have thirty-two of them...

Cashier: Consider it a discount.

Customer: (pauses to think) Actually, I've changed my mind...

Cashier: (no discernible change) As is your right, Sir.

Customer: (pushing the box away) I don't want it anymore...

Cashier: I see.

Customer: Not being too much trouble, am I?

Cashier: Not...at...all, Sir. We put the 'F' in FLGS.

Customer: I bid you 'Good Day', then...

Cashier: Good day, Sir.

(the Customer leaves, scurrying from the shop. The Cashier remains still. Another customer enters.)

New Customer: Hello. I wonder if you might have Caverna: The Cave Farmers? And could I be cheeky and ask you gift-wrap it for me?

(the Cashier retrieves a handgun from beneath the counter and shoots the customer in the face)

Cashier: No trouble, Sir; absolutely no trouble at all...

(the headless corpse slumps to the floor, a fountain of blood spraying the display cabinets)
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Fri Oct 24, 2014 7:08 am
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Initially...

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
flag msg tools
designer
Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
Avatar
Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(INT: GAME SHOP)

Customer: L O

Cashier: L O. R U O K?

Customer: I M O K, U?

Cashier: S, I M O K 2

Customer: R U BC?

Cashier: S. V R B C

Customer: F U ITN XX?

Cashier: ITN XX? 9, V F N 10 E ITN XX

Customer: I C. (thinks) F U KLS?

Cashier: KLS?

Customer: VLM@E R

Cashier: R, S. VLM@E R

Customer: F U N E?

Cashier: 9.

Customer: P T...

Cashier: (thinks) I F K2? I F U G O?

Customer: Y, S! I VL F K2

Cashier: U O S 4T

Customer: 4T?

Cashier: S, 4T

Customer: 4T? 4D K2?

Cashier: S. R U DF?

Customer: DF? U R ρ10! (leaves in a huff)

Cashier: (disappointed) S I L L Y S O D
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Tue Jun 24, 2014 7:00 am
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FLGS 19 (Service)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
flag msg tools
designer
Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
badge
Welcome...to my Shed!
Avatar
Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(we are in a friendly, local game store; the window display is currently given over to models of dragons, train jigsaws and a couple of defunct wasps. The cashier is sat behind the counter reading a dog-eared copy of the European Convention on Human Rights, Sep 1953, and occasionally chuckles to himself. The shop is quite crowded. Outside, the street looks as if it is completely underwater with schools of fish darting passed the plate glass. A customer swims up to the door, pushes it open and enters; the water remains outside the door as the flap-flap of flippers causes the cashier to look up)

Door Bell: *glub glub*

Cashier: (putting down the Convention) Good afternoon, Sir – can I help you?

Customer: (removes snorkel and mask) Good afternoon, shopkeeper. Yes, I wonder if you sell (makes the sign for air quotes) “trading card games”?

Cashier: (beckons to one of the people in the shop) Indeed we DO, Sir; quite an extensive range...

(the person walks over)

Cashier: ...Martin, here, will take you to them.

Martin: (with a slight tip of the head) If you would just follow me, Sir...

Customer: (follows) Um...

(the customer is led across the plush carpeting to the booster display shelves)

Martin: (gestures to a group of young lads stood there) Here we are, Sir; Derek, Andrew and Peter will assist you in your browsing...

Customer: (slightly confused, looks around) Er…thankyou…um…Martin

Martin: (re-taking his original position) My pleasure, Sir.

Derek: (stepping forward) How may we help, Sir? If you need anything from the bottom shelf that’s my department, anything from the middle is with Andrew and the top shelf is Peter’s furlough.

Customer: Well, I’d like to look at the new expansion for the latest Magic: The Gathering set...

Derek: That's middle shelf, Sir…(turns) Andrew!

(Andrew steps forward and points to the boosters)

Andrew: Front of the booster or back, Sir?

Customer: I’d quite like to read the blurb on the back if that’s...

(Andrew claps his hands together twice, sharply and loudly; a small child runs out from the Stock Room door carrying a small ladder. He leans the ladder up against the shelves, climbs a step and pulls a couple of boosters from the display box. He hands them to Andrew.)

Customer: (aghast) Who’s that?

Andrew: That’s ‘Little Timmy’, Sir; he’s the Step-Boy. (addressing Timmy) That will do, Timothy.

(Timothy doffs his tiny flat cap, tugs his forelock and scuttles back to the Store room with the ladder under his arm. Andrew hands the boosters to the Customer.)

Customer: (awkwardly) This is all a bit overwhelming...

Andrew: (sympathetically) I quite understand, Sir; but here we pride ourselves on the quality of our Service!

Customer: (gesturing) Are ALL these people part of the Staff?

(another man steps forward, cutting in front of Andrew)

Dennis: (straightening his tie) Allow me to answer your query, Sir; I am Dennis, Head of Queries.

Customer: I don’t believe this...

Dennis: (calling) Wendell? Gordon? Please bring a chair for our customer, if you please!

(two very large boys dressed in Bellhop uniforms emerge, wheezing and puffing, from behind the wooden puzzle section carrying a wing-back armchair between them)

Customer: (sitting in the chair) I think I feel a little faint...

Dennis: That’ll be the oxygen levels, Sir; there are quite a lot of us in this enclosed space and we’re getting through the air at quite a rate, Sir.

Customer: ...I only came in for a couple of boosters...

Dennis: I quite understand, Sir. (calls over his shoulder) Terry? Is Terry about?

Terry: (a previously-hooded character, removes his hood) Here, boss!

Dennis: This customer is somewhat overcome...could you please relieve him of his wallet and mobile phone?

Terry: (steps forward, begins to rifle through the Customer's clothes) Of course. (to the customer) Oi, fuckface! Giz yer phone an' yer wallet or I'll cut your fucking nose off!

Customer: What?

Terry: Hand it fucking over, granddad!

Dennis: (talking in to a wall-mounted intercom) Fenella? Fenella?

Intercom: Bzzzz....

Dennis: Fenella, there seems to be a robbery in progress - could you call the police, please?

Intercom: Bzzzz....

(Terry is wrestling with the struggling customer when a three policeman come running in through the door)

Policeman#1: 'Ello...

Policeman#2: ...'Ello...

Policeman#3: ...'Ello...

Policeman#1: What's...

Policeman#2: ...all...

Policeman#3: ...this...

Policeman#1: ...then?
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2 Comments
Fri Jun 20, 2014 7:30 am
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