Every Man Needs A Shed

Life and Games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell: Dad, Husband and Independent UK Game Designer, Agricola fanboy and jealous admirer of Carl Chudyk.

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FLGS7 (Phone)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(with continued thanks to Chris Morris & Blue Jam)

(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises etc bloody etc. The cashier is sitting behind the counter reading the latest issue of Playmeeple)

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite something outside, their appearance inside is contrary)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looks up and smiles with recognition) Good morning, Mr Pinkerton - can I help?

Customer: Yes, I hope so (smiles) I was wondering if you might still have any copies of Dungeon Roll?

Cashier: (looking confused)Dungeon..?

Customer: …Roll; Dungeon Roll, yes.

Cashier: (still slightly confused) Dungeon..?

Customer: Roll.

Cashier: I’m sorry but I wonder if we might carry on this conversation over the phone?

Customer: Er…the phone?

Cashier: Yes – give me your mobile number, step out on to the forecourt and I’ll call you back.

Customer: (writing on a notepad) Well…if you’re sure?

Cashier: Quite sure (waits until the customer is done) Thanks.

(the customer leaves the shop; we can see him on the pavement looking at the display of discount World Of Warcraft miniatures. The cashier picks up the landline phone and dials the number written on the pad…the customer answers)

Cashier: Ah, that’s better – now, where were we?

(as the customer speaks, we can hear him through the glass frontage)

Customer: Do you have any copies of Dungeon Roll? I know it’s been very pop…

Cashier: (interrupting) Hold on a sec, Sir. Could you speak a little quieter please? I can hear you through the shop front…there’s not much point carrying on this conversation by phone if I can hear you through the wall is there?

Customer: Well, no…

Cashier: So if you could lower your voice? Thanks. What was it you were after again?

Customer: (inaudible)

Cashier: Um, I’m sorry but this isn't a very good line…why don’t you call me back? It’s 547-1233. Thanks.

(The cashier puts the phone back into it's cradle. There is a short pause – we can see the customer dialing outside – and then the phone rings)

Cashier: (picking up) Hello…Martin’s Toys and Games? Sorry, who is this?

Cashier: Mr Pinkerton? Well I can’t speak to you now I’m with a customer. Is this an emergency of some kind?...well why not pop into the shop tomorrow morning?...Hello?

(the customer pokes his head around the door)

Customer: Er, could I…

Cashier: (lowering the phone to his chest) Hang on a moment, I’m just on the phone…

Customer: Would it better if I came in…

Cashier: Just wait outside please (returns phone to ear) Hello? Silly bugger has rung off! Hello? Hello?...Oh, there you are: we open from 10 o’clock tomorrow morning…good, I’ll see you tomorrow then…right oh, bye-bye.

(the cashier gets up and goes outside the shop and speaks to the customer)

Cashier: So, then…what’s the story?

Customer: I’ve got to come back tomorrow morning…I was just wondering if you had any Dungeon…

Cashier: (interrupting) From 10 o’clock?

Customer: Um…

Cashier: Yes?

Customer: (sighs dejectedly) Nothing.

Cashier: (returning to his place at the counter, picks up the magazine) Some people are a complete waste of time.
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Fri Oct 4, 2013 5:36 pm
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FLGS6 (Dependent)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. A customer is browsing a shelf of Studio Ghibli DVDs; the space behind the counter is empty.

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the Summery haze visible through the glass, he is blown in my a strong Autumnal breeze along with some dry, brown leaves)

Customer: (brushes his hair down with his hand) Ahem.

Other Customer: He’s just out the back. He said he wouldn’t be long.

Customer: (mumbling, barely audible) Um, thank you. Yes.

(The customer begins to make popping noises with his mouth)

Customer: *pop* *pop* *pop* *pooooooop* *pop-pop*

Other Customer: I’m sure he’ll be along in a minute.

Customer: *pop* *po- Um, thank you. Yes.

Other Customer: I’d offer you a cup of tea or coffee only this isn't my shop and I have neither tea nor coffee…

Customer: *po- Yes. That’s very kind of you.

Other Customer: …or milk…

Customer: Yes.

Other Customer: …or biscuits.

(the cashier appears from the stock room carrying a live cat in a miniature Victorian diving suit; he catches the Customer’s eye)

Cashier: Ah! Good morning, Sir. And how are you today?

Customer: (quietly) Yes, very well thank you. Yes.

Cashier: (taking up his position behind the counter, placing the cat next to the till. There is a dink as the helmet, too heavy for the cat to keep lifted, hits the glass top) How may I help you today?

Customer: I am…um…playing Power Grid and I would like to play with the blue and the red pieces…

Cashier: (sympathetically) I see. Well, it is traditional that you select either one OR the other colour but not both.

Customer: I see.

Cashier: I suggest you choose just one - perhaps the Red?

Customer: Um, yes.

Cashier: Good. Is there anything else I can help you with today, Sir?

Customer: Um…no.

Cashier: Very well – that will be £42.73…would you like me to put that on your account?

Customer: Yes please.

Cashier: (writes something in a book) Would you like one of our bee-free buttons? (offers a small pot)

Customer: (takes one) Thank you.

Cashier: Simply place it in your breast pocket for safekeeping; there are no bees in it, so you will be quite safe.

Customer: Thank you.

Cashier: Goodbye, Sir

Customer: Goodbye.

(Customer goes toward the door)

Other Customer: Lovely button you have there!

Customer: Yes. Thank you. Goodbye.

Other Customer: Goodbye.
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Fri Oct 4, 2013 9:32 am
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FLGS5 (Ugly)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(with thanks to Chris Morris)

(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: RPG supplements, wooden puzzles and jigsaws, shelves of Eurogames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a B&W print-out of the WIN journal)


Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the lack of any visible weather phenomena at all, he has inch-deep drifts of snow on each shoulder and on the top of his hat)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Can I help...sweet baby Jesus!!!

Customer: I beg your pardon?

Cashier: (aghast) Good God Almighty!

Customer: What on earth...?

Cashier: You really are extraordinarily ugly, aren’t you?

Customer: No, I’m not...

Cashier: Look at you – you’re repulsive!

Customer: That’s rather rude...

Cashier: No, really – you look like you’ve been pulled inside-out; you’re hideous...

Customer: Well, I...

Cashier: (interrupting) You’re utterly grotesque...I want to look away because I’m feeling quite sick!

Customer: (outraged) Now, see here...

Cashier: (mimes retching) For f*cks sake don’t talk as well; that’s just making the whole thing worse what with that squawking, screeching harpy’s wail you’ve got going!

Customer:(blustering) Never in my...

Cashier: (shielding his eyes and holding up his phone) Can I just take a photo for my mates – they’d never believe it otherwise!

Customer: No, that would be...

Cashier: God, you’re really horrendous – a gargoyle! A freak! You should be in a circus!

Customer: (leaving) I’ve never been so insulted in all my...

Cashier: In a circus...with a bag over your head!

(the customer departs)

Cashier: (goes to the door, keeps it open and calls after the customer) A BIG bag – in fact, you should put a bag over your head now or you’ll make all the children cry, you monster!

(he closes the door and returns to his chair)

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A new customer has arrived; he steps up to the counter)

Customer: Good morning. I wonder if you have any Umbrol paints?

Cashier: (vomits) Bleeeeuuuurrrggghhhhhhhhh!
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Thu Oct 3, 2013 7:00 am
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FLGS4 (Guess)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of the old Counter Magazine)

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the gunfire, smoke and general atmosphere of battle raging outside he is spotless and immaculately-dressed)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Good morning. Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I want to buy a copy of...

Cashier: (interrupts) Wait! Hold that thought!

Customer: Well, I just need...

Cashier: Stop! (there is a short silence) Let me guess...

Customer: Um...

Cashier: Is it a TCG?

Customer: No, it’s...

Cashier: (interrupts) A board game?

Customer: Yes, but...

Cashier: A Euro game?

Customer: Sort of, it’s by...

Cashier: (interrupts)No! Don’t give it away! (conspiratorially)It’ll be our little secret!

Customer: I’m not sure that...

Cashier: (pulling something from under the desk and holding it up – it is a copy of Carcassonne)This?

Customer: No.

Cashier: (pulling a copy of Tzol’kin)This?

Customer: Not really.

Cashier: Gimme another clue then (rubs hands together) Is it a resource management game - oh! or a game with resources in it?

Customer: Yes, though it might be easier if I just told...

Cashier: (barking) Worker placement?

Customer: Yes...

Cashier: Snowdonia? Lords of Waterdeep? It’s Bastard Lords of Sodding Waterdeep, isn’t it?

Customer: Why, yes it is...

Cashier: (pulling air)Yesssss! I f*ckin’ knew it!

Customer: Could I please have...

Cashier: (doing a little moonwalk back-and-forth behind the counter, affecting a sing-song voice)I’m so good at guessing...I’m so good at guessing...

Customer: (somewhat peeved) Look! Are you going to get me a copy of Lords of Waterdeep or not?

Cashier: (suddenly still; leans casually on the glass top)Out of stock, mate. Come back Tuesday.

Customer: ...

Cashier: Tuesday. Come back Tuesday.

Customer: Thanks, then. Er, Tuesday, you say?

Cashier: Tuesday.

(The customer departs. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: (to himself) We’re f*ckin’ closed Tuesdays.
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Fri Sep 27, 2013 2:44 pm
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FLGS3 (Bribe)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
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designer
Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
Avatar
Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(with thanks to Chris Morris)

(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of the new Counter Magazine)


Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the bright sunburst of a heatwave visible through the window, he is dressed in a trench coat, woolly scarf and bobble hat)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I would like three Theros boosters please.

Cashier: I’ll tell you what...here’s £30 quid if you f*ck off and I never see you in here again?

Customer: Um...

Cashier: (proffering the notes) Thirty quid...

Customer: (takes it)Er, thanks.

Cashier: (waving cheerily)Bye then.

Customer: (hesitating)...

Cashier: Off-en zee sod...

(The customer departs. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: Ah, the sweet sound of commerce.
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Fri Sep 27, 2013 2:01 pm
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FLGS2 (Porn)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
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designer
Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
Avatar
Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(with thanks to Chris Morris)

(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of Spielbox)


Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the blizzard of snow visible through the window, he is dressed in shorts and a tee-shirt)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I rather hope so...I'm looking for a copy of Robinson Crusoe: Adventure on...(interrupted by the telephone ringing)

Cashier: Excuse me, I need to take this...(picking up) Hello? (pauses)...yes, I'm holding it in my hand right now; it's swollen and pulsating...I am rhythmically stimulating it to a messy climax. (pauses) Yes. Thank you. Goodbye. (puts phone down)

Customer: What on...

Cashier: I'm so sorry...now, what was it you were looking for?

Customer: Um...yes...well, I read about this Robinson Crusoe game on the web and wondered if you might have a copy in sto...(interrupted by the telephone ringing again)

Cashier: Do please wait just one tick...(picking up) Hello? (pauses)...I am crouching on all fours in front of you. I am very much enjoying the rigorous flagellation that you are inflicting upon me. Yes. I have been a very naughty boy and I am about to ejaculate copiously on to the parquet flooring. Thank you. Goodbye. (puts phone down)

Customer: Well, I...

Cashier: I do apologise, Sir; I'm afraid running game store doesn't quite bring in enough cash so I've taken on a number of sex chat lines to supplement my income.

(the phone rings once more)

Cashier: Hello? Indeed. Do it to me. Do it to me hard and fast. I am trembling with pleasure. Spend your massive issue over my ample breasts youknowyouwantto. Thankyou. Good day. (puts phone down)

Cashier: Robinson Crusoe, was it?

Customer: Er...that's right.

(cashier goes and fetches a copy and puts it in to a carrier bag)

Cashier: That'll be £40.00 please, Sir...is there anything else I can help you with today?

Customer: (nervously) You wouldn't have a copy of Scandaroon would you by any chance?

Cashier: (suddenly angry) You f*cking pervert! Get the Hell out of my shop!

(The customer has departed. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: I knew it.

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A new customer has arrived)

Customer: Good morning. I wonder if you might stock dildos?

Cashier: Would that be the 12, 16 or 24 inch model, Sir?
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Fri Sep 27, 2013 12:50 pm
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FLGS (Hate)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
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designer
Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
Avatar
Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
(with thanks to Chris Morris)

(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of Spielbox)


Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the torrential rain visible through the window, he is bone dry)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Can I help you?

Customer: Yes please - I'm looking for a copy of Terra Mystica...

Cashier: You don't like me, do you?

Customer: I'm sorry?

Cashier: You don't like me, do you?

Customer: I'm not sure that I under...

Cashier: You only come in here when you want something.

Customer: Well, that's because...

Cashier: I never see you otherwise.

Customer: No...

Cashier: Why do you hate me so much?

Customer: I don't hate you, it's just that...

Cashier: Oh that's right - make up some excuses.

Customer: I don't think this is relevant - I'm simply looking for a copy of Terra Myst...

Cashier: You want me to help you now, do you? Eh? Treat me with contempt the rest of the time but when YOU want something I've got to drop everything?

Customer: Er...I don't mean to...

Cashier: Oh you (air quotes) don't mean to...

Customer: No, I...

Cashier: Liar.

Customer: That's hardly fair, I...

Cashier: (pointing to the door) Get out! Get the hell out, you parasite!

Customer: But, I...

Cashier: Go on! Get the f*ck out of my shop!

Customer: (scurrying out) I do quite like you though...

Cashier: Too late now - go on, get lost!

(The customer has departed. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: I knew it.

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A new customer has arrived)

Customer: Good morning. I wonder if you have the latest expansion for Galaxy Truckers?

Cashier: Who...the f*ck...are YOU?
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Fri Sep 27, 2013 8:16 am
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Indigestion of the body (and mind)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
flag msg tools
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Welcome...to my Shed!
Avatar
Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
A quiet evening at The Red Herring on Gresham Street this evening – barely into double figures for attendees, the light seemed especially poor and the crispy pork belly with lentils and black pudding a little too chewy for my liking.

Tonight saw the first appearance at London On Board for fellow designer Ian Vincent (Fruit Bandits plus many almost-but-not-quite-s, Runner up at the 2010 Ticket to Ride World Championships, World 'Versus' Champion and serial narrator of his own life and game thoughts); he came with a play-test map and tickets for his forthcoming entry in the Days Of Wonder Ticket to Ride Map competition – I won’t (obviously) reveal the exact nature of the map, but we ended up completing three and four player games to the great satisfaction of all participants. My shameful third place was followed by a dazzling 2nd place by a single point – it’s all my own fault for building a 15 point link one link away from my longest network thus giving away the 10pt ‘longest’ line prize.

Ian sent me all the layout files earlier, so even if it goes no further in the contest, I’ll have a copy of it to play at home!

An utterly disastrous Wits & Wagers served as a rather sour filling to the train-themed bread of the rest of the evening – let’s just say that I ended the game with what I started and failed to get above 3 money at ANY point *sad face*

To round off the evening, I suggested a ‘quick’ 4-player Paperclip Railways which, with rules explanations and coaching, came in at a little over 90 minutes…ninety bloody minutes...for a game that has consistently been coming in at around 60! While the players seemed to ‘get it’, I’m not sure that the overly-long playing time did anything to endear the game to them. It’s also quite depressing to be still playing a game when everyone else had packed up and gone home!

We were the last ones to leave the venue (around 10.15) and I still had the journey across London, the train to Beaconsfield and then a short drive ahead of me – not getting to the comfort of bed before midnight!

Today hasn’t been bad, all-in-all; another positive was an idea to include placeholder cards in the basic Paperclip Railways deck for when players get hold of various promotional stations (there are already at least FOUR ready to go). The idea is the placeholders are the same card stock as the base set but I can print & make up promos using any card-stock without them affecting the draw deck: play out a placeholder and swap it for one of the promos from the game box!

I’m full of ideas, me and *burp* also, it seems, full of badly-underdone pork belly too.

How one suffers for one's art!
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Tue Mar 15, 2011 12:27 am
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