Every Man Needs A Shed

Life and Games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell: Dad, Husband and Independent UK Game Designer, Agricola fanboy and jealous admirer of Carl Chudyk. www.surprisedstaregames.co.uk

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Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet

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Have you ever listened to 'Christian Rock' music? It's absolute tosh; it's monumental, tiresome arse: anodyne, cringeworthy, bland. Truly, the electric guitar is the Devil's instrument and all the best stories are His: Praise Be*.

And what of Christian board games? If you'd ever wondered what the answer the question "Is there anything worse than a roll-and-move game?" is, then just add a Heavenly theme to one and there's your reply. I'm'not suggesting that religious themes are shit - look at that Pope game (Habemus papam yadda-yadda) and Rajas of the Ganges' - just that Christianity-pushing themes are: self-flagellating, demeaning, prissy, bigoted and smug.

Follow the path of Redemption in to the clouds or slide down the greasy, sin-pole to the underworld? Candyland for the perpetually-terrified. Sanctimony is not a good vibe for an evening's entertainment; I'd rather not spend my gaming sesssions being told I'm an appalling Being - and a massive Cosmic let-down to my 'Father' - by a bloody board game! Boring, preachy, scripted; if a Christian board game were to be a true reflection of our spiritual travails, it should begin by espousing the mantra of Free Will and then increasingly punish you for exercising it as the rounds go on: multiple paths to Defeat, preferably lined, with good intentions. No, indeed; if I am to lose my self-esteem then I want to do it attempting to establish a lucrative railway network, a sustainable medieval farm and/or the judicious manipulation of the Art markets.



So with my cynicism dialed up to eleven, here's a starter-for-ten list of pun-tastic Christian board games:

Fiddlytwinks / Popeline / Nonce Upon A Time (Vatican special editions)
Terraforming Mary / Anachronysm
Gloomheaven / Dam-Nations
18{Cross}{Cross} / Railroad Revelations
At The Gates Of Sheol(ang) / St. Peter's Burgh
Holy Ghost Stories
God Of Love / ...and then we nailed hands...
Hey That's My Fish! (and Five Loaves)
Pope John Company / An Infamous Maffick /
@Habits / The Cassocks Are Coming!

Oh well; rant over. Go about your business.

*and Blessed Day, Under His Eye etc
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Thu Sep 19, 2019 11:21 am
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Save One For Meeeeeeeee!

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Another Autumn, another Essen Spiel and so the usual Geekmails and post comments asking "Can I pre-order {INSERT_NAME_OF_GAME_HERE}, please?". Pre-orders seem, on the face of it, to be a marvelous thing: a steady flow of guaranteed sales that calm the nagging fear of having to bring as full a van home as that with which you set out in the first place. They are, in reality, a monumental pain in the ass.

In the 2000s, taking pre-payments was less straightforward so one would need to ensure a List Monitor was around to tick off the names and ensure that we didn't sell reserved stock by mistake. If things were successful, you would find yourself turning customers away while boxes were still on display - oh the complaining and the injustice! - and then find - come the last day - that 20 people changed their minds and were no-shows: that's 20 copies that could've found an alternative home had we been told. Taking money up-front mitigates absenteeism - as does the 'It will be sold after Sunday lunchtime' caveat - but all that only eases the mind of the pre-orderer; we, the publisher, still have the admin and stock control overhead (what happens if someone DOES lose a box of set-asides by mistake?!) the disgruntlement/abuse of The Denied is a litany of woe to drown the very Messe Halls.

An example: In 2016, we had 290 Thursday/Friday collection pre-orders for the Spiel release of Guilds of London - that's 290 out of our 330 copies of the delivered game. By the end of the third day, we still had over 70 of the pre-orders unclaimed. We had sold the forty 'spares' by lunchtime on the Thursday and were sending people away for the rest of the time. On Sunday, we sold the remaining 70 to first-come/first-served but then received complaints from unlucky punters who had somehow been doubly-denied (unlucky on both the Friday and the Sunday!): as if I was exercising a personal vendetta.

I've heard all the pleas and excuses:
"I can't make it this year - could you save me one for after the show?" (no)
"I have to work so won't be coming until the Saturday" (should've taken some holiday)
"A friend said you would keep a copy for me as well" (so what?)
"I don't know why I am not on the list as I did send you an email...Are you calling me a liar?!" (yes)
"My cat just died and it would make me really happy to get a copy" (I hate cats)
"Why didn't you print more then?" (then I wouldn't be able to annoy people like you, would I?)
- and so on.



My Essen brain is full of hotels, transport, paperwork, money, fees, storage, security, food, sleep, meetings, anxiety, health and friends - banes and boons (of my own making) that I accept willingly, of course; what I don't need is to have to take on everyone else's emotional baggage too!

"But we pay your wages, Tony; you have a duty..."
I won't even dignify this particular strain of entitled dogshit with a response. Oops, I already did.

And don't get me started on being asked to 'mule a few things for me': all the hunting, all the money paid out in advance and then all the grumbling when you come back with gaps in the request list. "What do you mean it was sold out by Friday morning; why didn't you get up early on Thursday?!", "You should've paid the extra 10 euros, for God's sake!", "Whaaaaat?! You LOST the promo card?!" and "This is the Standard version but I wanted the Deluxe version!" etc.

So, with that all said, if you want a copy of Lux Aeterna, Alubari: A Nice Cup of Tea, Snowdonia: Deluxe Master Set, Foothills and/or Guilds of London: Wards of London then you're just going to have to visit 4-F121 sooner-rather-than-later on your Essen visit...even if we've sold out, it will be nice to say 'Hello' (and maybe give Attention All Shipping a try? As long as the session is not already fully booked up, that is!)
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Tue Sep 17, 2019 6:20 am
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Bad Lux Brian

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You know, it's always a joy when your manufacturer - with seven weeks to go until Spiel 2019 - comes out with a facepalm-ing issue AND that joy is further enhanced by having had peeps work like bloody Trojans to get everything print-ready in time in the first place.

Quote:

I’m really sorry to bring some bad news but the card supplier we had lined up for this project has, despite pressure our side, indicated that he can in no way supply in time for Essen. I already went to other suppliers and found one that can ensure delivery in time and against the desired quality but if they were to produce the cards on the same size (105x75mm) it would be app. 1,- per game more expensive. And as that is too big a price gap for us to cover I need to discuss this with you to see how best to proceed.

What I don't understand is why there is a 'card supplier'; I always thought they'd print decks on large sheets of casino board and then cut, stack and pack 'em?! Mother Theresa on a Dogshit Bicycle but this is a fucking pantomime, ain't it?! Who knows if we'll get it sorted in time now.

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Thu Aug 22, 2019 2:08 pm
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Board game publishers are bad at picking games to publish. I can help.

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This bijou essay popped up on the Surprised Stare twitter feed; this is my knee-jerk, first reaction:

"Board game designers are bad at pitching games to publishers. I can help."
https://www.nickbentley.games/bad-board-game-design-pitches/




A classic piece of well-meaning, ever-so-humble-braggy 'free advice' that has a number of good points...but is also intensely condescending and skewed. The main thrusts of this piece are:
i) designers are bad at pitching
ii) games are a product first

"Designers are bad at pitching"
"99% suck. No exaggeration..."
Granted; that's certainly true, sure; but a designer is not always the best able to present their product: brains the size of a planet do not mean they're the most expressive, extrovert personalities with PR savvy. Indeed, some designers are a positive liability in pitch scenarios: the marketing carousel is not why they're game designers.

"(designers)...don’t fully appreciate how severe the competition has become and what games must be to succeed now...They design games for themselves, and then only think about how to turn them into products after they’re finished."

I think the first part is not true; we're more than aware of how crowded the market has become - it was ever thus, however. Back in the early 2000s, it was impossible to get a game picked up by a 'big company' if you weren't already Reiner Knizia or Kramer or Moon. Also, just getting someone to even let you pitch to them has become more obstacle-strewn. Whatever happened to publishers doing a bit of research themselves rather than sitting in their ivory towers and deigning to grant a pitiful designer an audience?! Whatever happened to scouting the Halls of big conventions for the 'little guy' who might have something special? Publishers have gotten lazy.

As for the second part? Well, how sterile and - frankly - arrogant is it to assume we can - or want to - design the next Codenames or Candyland? I design games that I want to play with themes that I like - should this lead to something sparkling and magnificent then great but I'm not betting my house on the game industry. I have no interest in becoming a 'Pro Designer' (for which this article is much more relevant...if still rather patronising).

Games are a product first
"More than 4000 board games are published annually. Thanks to all that competition, fantastic gameplay is just table stakes. A game also has to be a great product, which means it must satisfy some constraints in addition to fantastic gameplay. Most designers, especially hobby game designers, don’t address the product side in their pitches, or do it poorly."

The author goes on: "the problem runs deeper than pitching. The problem is the design process....
So now it's my fault? This is as narrow a perspective on creativity as it gets.

"To make a publishable game, write down a game’s pitch BEFORE you start designing it. Try to come up with a concept that’s a significant departure from what already exists in some key way that will matter to people, and which isn’t too hard to communicate. "

Cart before the horse? I see this kind of thing as detrimental to the design process and typical of the second-layer of the creative market where the artist is constantly barracked to "Do your thing but make it saleable!" and "Could you make it a bit more like...{insert current, transient fad here}?"

Marketing and products are the publishers problem NOT the designers; I have enough on my design plate without having to draft the sell sheets, script the KS videos and contact all of the bloggers/vloggers myself! Again, only a miniscule percentage of game designers have any chance to actually care about 'products' and then only if have an outstanding piece of luck.



I want to (have to) come back to the "4000 board games are published annually" bit: it's not the designers that are releasing 4000 games, it's the publishers! Don't blame me for your lack of market penetration, the fact you got overlooked in the preview vids and/or that the public just didn't bite despite the relentless hype!

Finally, players aren't the only ones allowed to have fun: designers are too - and no amount of publishers projecting their anxiety (and, in some cases, incompetence) on us is going to change anything. We are a precious resource that should not be corrupted!

The point was well - and forever - made by William Goldman: "Nobody knows anything...... Not one person in the entire ... field knows for a certainty what's going to work. Every time out it's a guess and, if you're lucky, an educated one."
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Tue Aug 6, 2019 10:17 am
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Sold out after X minutes - so what?

Anthony Boydell
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It's GenCon time - yet another opportunity for a publisher to trumpet the enormous triumph of 'selling out of everything' in the shortest available time. It's all over the Social Medias, it is: snaps of happy faces, 'thumbs aloft' and back-slapping cameraderie accompanied by a freight train convoy of 'Grats comments and 'please notice me' 'Likes'.

For the second largest convention in the World, I'd rather assumed that a name company selling the only 100 copies of their hyped game (air-freighted from China in time for the show) would be a piece-of-piss; indeed, it's a far bigger story if the Tittywacking expansion was gathering dust on the Thursday afternoon.

I will refer, again, to the Spiel 2018 Newton debacle: staffers dancing in the aisles and singing in close harmony because the only 18 retail copies in Germany were off the stand within 10 minutes - so bloody what?

For the record, Surprised Stare Games will have 1500 copies of Lux Aeterna, 350 Snowdonia: Deluxe Master Sets and several hundred Alubari: A Nice Cup of Teas at Spiel 2019; if we sell out by the Sunday afternoon then I'll be bloody surprised TBH! Less of the fake surprise, the humblebrags, please; it's not fooling anyone.

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Sat Aug 3, 2019 9:43 am
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Shall We Play A Game?

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Well, now; it may be raining a gale outside but inside it's filling up with a lot of hot air:



I half-expected the video to scream at me that it would "Rip off the head of conventional board games and shit down its cardboard neck!!!!"; after all, CMON Limited has a history with campaigns that interfere with the bladder control of the fanfolk.

Take a look at Twitter and there are comments like "El futuro es ahora", "I'm excited about the promise of Teburu and applaud @eric_lang and @CMONGames on taking the risk to try something so innovative. I'll be backing for sure. Even if it's not your cup of tea, we should be lauding these sorts of efforts." and "Take my money!!!!" but all I can see is a naff 3D presentation of what the 1980s thought the future would look like. Nay, nay and thrice nay.

Thank God for the few sane ones out there:

Quote:
(Joushua Buergel) Quote: "We strongly believe Teburu is the paradigm change this market has been looking for.” Yes, that paradigm shift of not being able to play your game because somebody forgot to charge the dice.
Indeed.

This isn't 'the future' of anything; this is a lame hoovering-up of old ideas and - by the look of it - a chance to sell off warehouses full of unsold Zombicide product by sticking a SIM card up a Fatty's resin ass and charging you $70 for the privilege. If Lego - FFS - couldn't make 'intelligent minis' pay, with Dimensions, then who the Hell do CMON think they're fooling with this derivative shite? Every 14 year old without access to Stranger Things or Ready Player One, I assume.

Utterly bereft of any ideas; 'the Team' ought to read Neuromancer et al for some proper direction about things to come rather than jizzing themselves to dehydration in this desperately old hat.

Rubbish; and expensive, contemptuous rubbish at that.
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Fri Jul 19, 2019 10:07 am
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A consideration for your consideration.

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Awards are a funny thing; they mean the world to those who win them and (purportedly) absolutely nothing to those who don't. I recall someone remarking that one should "enjoy the day" and then forget about it thereafter (not that I've had much cause to take this advice). Just being nominated is a lovely feeling - especially when a public vote is involved - and that should be the end of it. But...

In terms of major conventions running their own awards, I find myself staring at a half-empty glass; in recent years there seems to have been an increasingly obvious (or maybe it's just me?) correlation between the nominees and a Con's major sponsors. I'm sure that those who are already fully paid-up members of Club Cynical would cry "Really? What took you so long to notice, Tony?". It seems almost blatant, shameless even. But awards are just fluff, aren't they? One shouldn't take them so seriously?

A few years back, a UK Distributor took a raft of awards at a major Con for the task of simply importing someone else's product and trumpeting them as 'sort-of their own' while UK independents (with original items) in the same categories were ignored. Seems a little 'wrong' to win with a game you've simply arranged carriage and customs for as opposed to - ooh, I don't know - design, develop, manufacture THEN arrange carriage and customs for.

From this year's awards lists for an upcoming UK-located Convention, the 'Best New Strategy Game' category has been narrowed down to Victorian Masterminds, Warhammer: Blackstone Fortress and Root. Really? In the year that has seen Wingspan, Tiny Towns and Teotihuacan, this is the 'shortlist' that pops out: fucking Warhammer and Victorian Master-minis?!*

When you need to fill multiple Halls of a major European exhibition venue with paying booths then some 'pragmatic decisions' need to be made. Yes, I know that this is the way the world works but, as a peddler of product myself, I don't need to like it. Of course, I may be wildly-wrong and am just blinded by the juice of sour grapes.

Thus, I trumpet that the only awards of any virtue (IMHO) are those from one's industry peers and everything else is tribal howling and/or corporate greasing. I hate grease; it gets in to everything.



*CMON and Games Workshop are major sponsors of the Event
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Fri May 17, 2019 6:10 am
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caveat emptor

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From a recent KS update (thankfully I did not pledge); while one is ever wary of situations like this, one must remember it is an aberration in a Universe of 'good things'. Of course, the 'CEO' has fucked his life for a paltry 100K, which will run out quick enough: stupid bastard.

Quote:

Games Factory: Project and company status
Posted by Games Factory (Creator)
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Dear Backers,

We regret to inform you that Games Factory ceases to exist. The company has been bankrupted by it’s CEO.

Before we explain to you everything, we are forced to announce that the BGCK and Solar City campaigns, despite our best efforts, will not come to fruition.

We are very sorry that everything ends like this. We know that you entrusted us and apologies are not enough to make you feel how sorry we are, but that's all we can do in this situation.

In the first week of February the president of our company (and also the person who was responsible for all the finances, production and logistics) resigned and fled the country.

As a result, the remaining director began to learn about the monstrous mass of shortcomings, debts, inaccuracies and lies that were hidden.

Until the beginning of February, we were running normal, everyday activities in the company, not knowing about it’s real situation and about the financial issues that are going back to the beginning of 2018.

We had a budget for the coming year, a plan for the premieres and production of new games and projects, and also a plan for refunds for the BGCK campaign, made for the whole year.

All the plans are gone now. We know that at this point it will be difficult for you to believe anything we wrote, but the surprise was for us the same – the person we have known for almost a decade, which we considered our friend, not just a partner, cheated us all, leaving the company without means to continue functioning and with a mass of huge debts that will cost us not only our careers but also make our personal life very difficult.

In the case of BGCK - we have seen the basic products manufactured with our own eyes, but they have been stolen - although we are not sure at this point, because the case was carried out by the president himself. There was 400 copies of the basic product already produced and it vanished. Some – as you know – appeared in Finland. Some… we don’t know where they are. The shop in Finland refused to share any details and we suspect the copies were stolen during transport to our warehouse. The CEO was in charge of logistics and he “offered” to handle the case and try to uncover what happened. We never got a clear answer from him. The company has no means to complete the campaign or refund – it’s bankrupt.

In the Solar City case - all the production information that the president handed to us, as a person who was in charge of this project, turned out to be untrue.

At the beginning of February everyone in GF - other member of the board and employees - even received the deadline for picking up the game: mid-March. It turns out to be untrue - the production was not paid and was withdrawn from printing house’s schedule. The company has no means to complete production or refund. The work of many people lasting over a year and your commitment has been wasted.

It is a very difficult situation for us - every day we discover new lies, manipulations and debts. Our employees remain penniless and with unpaid invoices for their work. We apologize to you very much.

We apologize especially to Marcin Ropka and Viola Kijowska - authors of Solar City. We were all deceived. The rights for Solar City went back to the authors in order for them to save the game.

For us, this is not the end - we have long and detailed investigations waiting for us, as well as perhaps lawsuits and, of course, endless debts. For the last 1,5 months we are in discussions with lawyers, debt collectors and companies that demand their invoices to be paid.

However, all of this will not affect the company's situation - this is definitely finished and with no chance of saving. We never thought that as gamers and game enthusiasts we will find ourselves in this situation - we just wanted to make games and ensure you will have fun with them. We are devastated. We are sorry.

If you want to see the worst of humanity, then a quick trawl through some of the comments reveals a wish for 'Cancer'; a bit strong, I feel, as it's only money in the end (on a pledger-by-pledger basis it's not even that much money).

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1689336268/solar-city-a...

Finally, this and the 'Glory To Rome Black Box' debacle certainly should flag one to any company with 'Game Factory' in it's name; seems like that's an instant draw for arseholes.
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Mon Apr 15, 2019 9:45 am
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What.The Actual.Fudge?!

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Fri Jan 25, 2019 6:10 am
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Better Out Than In

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angry


Jesus Suffering F*ck. The world needs another Lord of the Rings game like it needs a volcano breeding program. Or a kite the size of Cumbria. Utter horseshit, all of it. In an already crowded market (eg. The Hobbit: Goblin Legacy of Mirkwood, Lord of the RIngs: Frodo's Quest For A Quiet Wanking Place, The War of the RIng, The Battle of the Ring, Fight for the Conflict of the Skirmish of the RIng ,The One Ring: Cockroach Battle Simulator, Reiner Knizia's "Lord of the Rings Co-Operative Game", Gollum's Quest, Aragorn's Quest, Eomer's Horse Racing Game, Ave Elrond, Forging On: The Trouble Aeons of Sauron Kerr, River Deep/Uruk High: Das Kartenspiel, Gandalf's Staff Has Got a Knob On The End (CaH spin-off) and Kingdom: Death Franchise), this is a further turd on the generous tread of our gaming welly-boots.

angry


Dice City, Dice Settlers and Dice Hospital have been recent publications 'on a theme' from entirely-different sources and because the World can't just spin on to something new-and-interesting, the bandwagon is being well-and-truly hijacked: Dice Farmers, anyone? Dice Aztecs? Dice Medieval Merchants? One Night Super-Ultimate Dice Werewolf: Legacy Season 1?

angry


Roll-and-write games, too, are hurrying through the Ludomentary Canal like a rotten batch of oysters: {whatever} schon clever? Railroad Ink? Castles of Burgundy, Quixx, Shitzxxxx etc.

angry


I'd put money on us seeing a r&w Azul (Azul: The Liths Of Papyria), 'Dice Terraforming Mars' and Century: Spice Road Lite with custom polyhedra and a scoresheet pad within the next 12 months (and, I bet, Codenames: Cubes just to rub me right up the sphincter).

angry


The convention previews will be deluged by a b*kk*ke of 'likes', a proctologist-shocking quantity of thumbs. Long queues of panting content providers - the groupies of the gaming world - figuratively blowing any-and-everyone to be the first to post their gurning, effusive and ultimately-valueless reviews. Five years ago, 'dice' were the scourge of the industry: rightly scorned, derided and exiled. Then folks came up with 'interesting ways' of using them (ie. one way copied then changed ever-so-slightly by all-and-sundry) and now you can't walk across Hall 3 of the Essen Messe without slipping on to your bony arse on a carpet of hexahedral dogdirt.

"Oh, but these are excellent gateway games, Tony; why are you being so negatively-inclusive?" you wail, teeth gnashing in silent fury at my presumption. Because no-one else is saying it and I can't stomach the niceness of it all any longer!

angry
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Tue Jan 15, 2019 6:15 am
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