Everyone Needs A Shed

Life and Games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell: Father, Grandfather, Husband and Independent UK Game Designer.

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Numerator/Denominator

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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Even though I already have 80% of the content provided in the recent Agricola: Consul Dirigens Deck release (via the six 'miniature' sets), I must - of course - maintain my collection of Agricol-everything by sending a tenner to Zatu and get it anyway.

So, in amongst all of the cards, there are 24 previously 'unseen' 'Mum' and 'Dad' cards - adding a quick start/early bonus:
From gallery of tonyboydell

Some of the characters are a bit creepy TBH

So far, so Viticulture-esque; however, the end-of-game scoring for the Mamas caught my eye:
From gallery of tonyboydell

While I can certainly travel with Uwe on the 'half a VP' train, I must say I have found my line in the sand when it comes to tenths! Ridiculous, I tell you; a tie-breaking gimmick!

I don't like the existing Agricola tie-break of 'most remaining Food' on the grounds that a player who achieves the Victory podium by the skin of their teeth lining of their grumbling stomach has run a tighter, more creditable race; after all, Agricola should be about pain, suffering and noobs complaining that you only get one baby animal regardless of how many animal pairs you possess! Awarding the mud-spattered laurels on the basis of which parent is packing a better fraction is utter bullshit*.

(whispers) Best not mention the Pi cards in Pi mal Pflaumen OR my idea to use Guineas, Pounds, Crowns, Half-Crowns, Shillings, Thruppences, Sixpences, Tuppences, Pennies, Ha'pennies and Farthings in a Victorian-themed design

*of course this would be "horseshit", if playing Agricola: Farmers of the Moor.
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Tue Feb 22, 2022 8:30 am
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Just over 100 degrees Celsius.

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Pun microbadges are the wurst!
I'm feeling a bit 'testy' today...

Spoiler (click to reveal)
There was a time - not so long ago - when one used to be annoyed, on occasion, by the actions of a politician or a celebrity but one's life would go on relatively-unscathed. Not so since 2016, of course; what has followed has been an unrelenting, unremitting sewage outflow of corruption, abuse, gaslighting, smuggery, idiocy and crime. Add in the barefaced-ness of it all during a global pandemic, the lukewarm trickle of arse-gravy that masquerades as 'the media' and one would be forgiven for casting an eye to Eastern Europe willing for Armageddon.

That headlines are dominated by a selfish twat who likes to hit a ball around a court / a straw-stuffed, burbling, dog-fucked, Eton shit-bear / an over-privileged Royal who can't keep his cock in his pants rather than the maniac Russian Shop Dummy laying further claim to the title of History's Biggest C*nt, is true testament to the rancid state we find ourselves in.

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The long ribbon of anxiety and frustration continues to unfurl; although, at the moment, it feels like it might be a cleverly-disguised Moebius strip...


...I may also be a bit nervous about this evening's W.I presentation about Games, of course.
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Wed Feb 16, 2022 12:40 pm
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And so it begins...

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Pun microbadges are the wurst!
Up until now, there has been the occasional 'catch' for a bollocks Customs/Postage Handling charge on Kickstarter/externally-sourced games but - finally - the miserable, clown-operated world of racist/thick-as-dogshit little England is putting up proper, pre-despatch barriers to my Kickstarter pledges:
From gallery of tonyboydell

Given I've not played ANY form of Root since Bastion 2020, I realised that I didn't actually want the expansion as much as I'd originally thought - especially now that it was going to cost me extra AND still not be wholly guaranteed against Post Office scalping when it finally landed in the UK.

The folks at Leder Games offered a full refund so I'm taking it; though trying to get into Backerkit to look up some other info proved impossible - it kept telling me I needed to login before I could login and, as usual, the 'Contact Us' links simply led to a succession of useless FAQs with no chance of seeming resolution.

Of course, this is but the thin end of the Tory Wedge that's been hammered into the arse if this Country; I've got about 20 campaign items still on the not received yet list and I guess I'll need to decide if I'm going to fall into this broiling money pit or cut my losses and tell the PO they can keep whatever parcel they're holding to ransom. I've just cancelled my Small Railroad Empires pledge too; no sense in stocking up even more heartache for the future.
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Wed Nov 3, 2021 9:34 am
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Quit yer complainin'

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Pun microbadges are the wurst!
So I gets this letter from the Parcelforce people and, like, they want to fleece me for 45 quid and such in the name of "Customs Fee" and "Handling Charge" and I'm thinking "Bucking Frexit" and go online to pay it coz what else choice do I have?
From gallery of tonyboydell

Lucky it's a Thursday which means I can get it Friday provided I've paid - which I have - coz getting it on the Saturday would cost an EXTRA 12 quid on top: what the factual uck? More scalping than a ropey, 1960s Western my friends! And what, exactly, am I getting for this unexpected outlay of cash and a free side-order of arse-ache?

Well, dear pals, I'm getting all of this:
From gallery of tonyboydell

From gallery of tonyboydell

God is in his Heaven and this saucy collection of (heavy - phew!) delectable, delicious and desirable items is now mine! I should emphasise that my good pals at Lookout Games sent me these free and gratis so - in the grand scheme of things - that 45 quid in EU-Exit extorted fees is a bloody bargain! Thus and henceforth I shall quit my complainin' and thank my lucky (Hanno and Grzegorz-shaped) stars!
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Sun Sep 12, 2021 6:20 am
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What the 'C' stands for in T.C.G

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Pun microbadges are the wurst!
I've played many, many instances of many, many games in my life but I've never come across a more rude and reprehensible community than Magic: The Gathering players. A superlative game design with a continuingly-inventive life...and a dickhead-to-non-dickhead participant ratio that would make the Lawrence Fox Fan Club blush. Of course there are lovely Magic players but - dear Christ - there are so many bad ones: so very many.

The Predatory Trader:
When I first discovered M:TG, someone printed off a list of the Revised Edition cards and I made it my goal to get a complete set. This meant, of course, that I would be trading with every and any member of the local Cheltenham/Gloucester groups; there was one chap - let's call him 'Vic'* - who noted the noobs' completionist fervour and would happily hoover up our 'spare Dual Lands' in exchange for arse-water rares like Ebony Titting Horse and Arma-fucking-Geddon Clock and The Shit Hive. Only later did we realise we were handing over £10 cards, for chaff, to someone who knew exactly what they were doing.

The Organizers & Their Mates:
It was always fun to travel two hours each way to a Grand Prix OR major Pre-Release Event and participate in the cruelest of all M:TG variations: the Sealed Deck. In the early 2000s, much cheatery ensued at these events with 'circuit' players cutting their sealed product with powerful extra single cards they'd brought with them. WotC initiated deck logging and the randomization of opened decks to solve the issue ie. open the cards and note down all contents then pack 'em up and hand them in - you were never sure which deck you were going to get back. However, most regional event organizers were feckless and lazy and would often give the good decks back to their mates/local players if asked to; leaving the rest of us to blink back the tears at having spaffed a tenner on 75 unplayable rectangles of cardboard. And the petrol to get there. And being away from doing something far more rewarding for the day instead.

The Table Bully
Several high profile Brit players were doing the rounds in the mid 90s and, loudly, shoving their opinions and their 'trash talking' where they were - most definitely - not welcome. Young teenagers paired off against 'the Top 100's would regularly be told - straight up - that they, and their decks, were shit. Welcome to the hobby, son...now auto-concede the match and fuck off to the Pokémon tables.

In recent times, the implementation of Magic Online and MtG: Arena have provided a whole, new range of Shitty Strings to add to the Turd Bowman's ARSE-enal:

The 'Roper'
There is a 'time out' mechanism that directly responds to the old lag's trick of 'not doing anything at all and just waiting for the opponent to concede'. Always employed by the rankings-hungry semi**-pro, you'd be doing just fine and about to deal a victorious blow when the other side of the table would go digitally silent. In MTGA, a 'burning rope' appears to warn you that you're about to be timed out: unfortunately, if the early game between players has been relatively brisk, there will be about 2 minutes-worth of 'timeouts' to be exhausted (by the 'bot now managing the self-absented opponent) before the game officially stops. You _could_ concede to play again somewhere else BUT the vanished other would receive 'the win' in that instance.

The Roper is a very common sight indeed:
- when they didn't get the right initial card draw? Go roping...
- when their super-duper deckTM is outclassed by yours? Go roping...
- when they're simply being out-played? Go roping...
- when their Mother has called them out from Wank HQ for supper? Go roping...

The Oops!-er
There is no free-text interaction with players in the online MTGA platform and, given the fecundity of ropers and other Magical low-lifes, that's a deliberate and fortunate thing. One is able to communicate using a tiny set of generic pop-outs: "Hello!", "Thanks", "Thinking" etc AND the beautiful, velvet-fisted "Oops!". Now, I am an 'oops' user when I misplay and want to show my opponent that I know I misplayed and that I am not a total Sphincter Wit. The Oops!-er, however, is using the term sarcastically ie. "Not oops! whatsoever. Look at this deliberately brilliant thing I have done/contrived to achieve! You should probably concede right now because this move is - and I am - utterly amazing.". One might, of course, be tempted to 'go to the rope' in such a scenario - never do it! Never become them to beat them!

The Look-At-What-I-Would-Have-Done-r
Of course, it's great that you've put a lot of time and effort into copying the latest YouTube deck but you're not going to win all the time. When it is completely obvious that they've lost AND YET they insist on running through an entire turn playing out card-after-ineffectual-card, it's their own time they're wasting: I am SO thrilled you managed to pull a Phyrexian-runed Vorinclex from that Virtual Booster Draft BUT I am on 30 life and you are in 2 life: you don't win just because you put out a 'posh' card. Showing me you HAVE the posh card(s) is a bit like showing me your dick: I know what it looks like but I don't want you to show it to me without a good reason.

So, there you have it: examples of how (some) Magic: The Gathering players really ARE arseholes of Olympian quality.

*his real name was 'Vic' too, coincidentally.
**short for 'semi-on', as in "a partially-erect penis"
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Thu Mar 25, 2021 6:15 am
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Hub-bub

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Last week I recorded 'a thing'; this week it's made it to the YouTubes:



Please watch: it's rather good, actually.
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Thu Sep 3, 2020 6:20 am
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Endless Plagiarism

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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So Endless Games (I) think it's aces to fumblingly, bumblingly plagiarize the work of another designer with their latest project Dropsy.

Dropsy is defined, dictionary-wise, as:

"a condition characterized by an excess of watery fluid collecting in the cavities or tissues of the body"

As unpleasant as that sounds, it's preferable to being associated with the knock-off practices of a company of oily turds who decided it would be easy and fun to leech off someone else's hard work.

Buy, instead, Yogi or Yogi Guru by the excellent Bez Shahriari; she's an amazing designer and an amazing person worthy of your love and respect. As for the Endless Arseholes, I suggest you react to their wanton chicanery as you might see fit.

I, for my part, am just warning you of this subterfuge.

Spoiler (click to reveal)
Cunts.
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Fri Jul 31, 2020 8:29 pm
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Grammar-lama-ding-dong.

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Pun microbadges are the wurst!
One thing that really nail-scrapes my blackboard is the tiresome habit that bloggers have of portmanteau-ing references to each of the games they have played 'in a session' to make a pathetic, meaningless and contrived title - you know the sort of thing:

Quote:
A report on a Friday spent with Agricola, San Juan, Can't Stop, L.A.M.A and Tainted Grail becomes
Endless Colonists Farming Alpacas for King Arthur*.
Quote:
{Insert Convention Name Here} Day 3 Report for Magic Maze, 1655: Habemus Papam 1698, Aaarg!-tect, Codenames and Feudum becomes
Striped Monster Popes Lost In Words with Inflatable Hammers!!!** (one exclamation fails to provide the appropriate humour emphasis).
Quote:
1846 plus Mottanai plus The Grizzled plus Megacity: Oceania plus Cthulhu Wars becomes
Elder Gods with Big Jugs Go Like Trains and Get Their Wet Cities Out For the Boys***
Why insist on mentioning EVERYTHING? Where's your sense of mystery - of teasing? Why shoot your wad before the link has even been clicked?! I have never seen one that makes any coherent sense as a sentence; they all range from 'a bit shit' to "Fuck me sideways over a rolling donut, that's truly AWFUL!" / "It looks like a toddler made it using random bricks!". You might as well just provide a comma-separated list of the game titles and give up any pretence of Wit, Imagination and/or Capability; and, of course, what inevitably follows 'within' is a dull, sequential stream of segments comprising a photograph PLUS 'impression' PLUS an entirely-irrelevant/fatuous 'rating'.

D minus.

Why not try proper puns? An artistic reference or an emotional expression? How about something that stands alone in its language as having actual sense and meaning? If you can't be bothered, then you might as well start eating wax crayons in front of your Kallax on YouTube****.

External image


*I'd go for: "Dennis? There's Some Lovely Filth Down 'Ere"
**I'd plump with: "Smoke and Milieus" (it's too varied for a common thread, so going 'utterly obtuse' works too)
***I quite like this one; it's just the right side of 'filthy'
****100% MUST Watch.
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Thu Jul 16, 2020 6:25 am
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das Fett kauen

Anthony Boydell
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Pun microbadges are the wurst!

Me and one of my favourite ever Germans, Mr Ulrich Blennemann, chew the fat:


(Uli is very quiet - uncharacteristically - in this one)

Here's fun: how many times do I side-eye my live 'room next door' stream from Dominic Cummings?

I do miss my European friends so very much.
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Thu Jun 25, 2020 6:30 am
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Vent

Anthony Boydell
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Pun microbadges are the wurst!
The sun was back out in glorious heat and light today: no grey clouds to separate us from a good ol' English globally-warmed Summer! I made use of a convenient break between meetings to drop off a stack of parcels and, as I drove through the town, it was like a regular, balmy Monday. Folks gathered in the shops, chatting outside the Library, kids huddled under the Market Place, an orderly - socially-distanced - queue for the Post Office and Mums returning from the Primary School drop-off; a queue for the bus and masked OAPs out for a stroll and a bottle of milk from the supermarket. To be completely honest, I'm not clear whether we're out of lockdown now or not - it's been over a week since I left the boundaries of Chez Boydell to do anything except take the dog for a walk in the empty fields.

From gallery of tonyboydell

Bread-and-circuses for the 21st Century: queue for Primark!


Most children won't be going back to school until September but the zoos are open; the R-number is only just below 1 but the beaches are open. Tens of people are still dying each day - well, some number are because we don't get informed of the figures with any regularity anymore - but at least that statue of Winston Churchill is safe (feel free to piss over any Police memorials, though).

Black Lives Matter, unless you lived in Grenfell Towers or are part of the Windrush generation. If you're a farmer, or a fisherman, then you've got six months to retrain before the hammer comes down: chlorinated, hormone-soaked tariffs for everyone!

Every little bit of good that happens in the World is, almost immediately, obscured and/or belittled by the relentless imbecility of those who profess to serve us. Consider the United Kingdom: currently under the tutelage of a lolloping, tousle-haired whoopee cushion of liquid turds and his merry band of Beano horrors (all the clichés are here); it's like a sitcom but the laughter is canned because the audience is, in fact, dead. If I hear the phrase "doubling down on the lie" one more fucking time, I may scream and never stop.

For the Boydell household, the lockdown has seeded boredom, resentment, frustration, rage, emotional retreats and emotional outbursts; it's a bit like walking on eggshells...while they're still coming out of the chickens. There's nowhere for anyone to go, no-one to offer any help. Arthur barely holds interest in anything away from the XBox or YouTube and is just buffeted about in the wake of the older kids' outbursts; he has bags under his eyes, isn't eating or sleeping properly, misses his pals and is prone to sudden tears. I. fucking. hate. this. country.

I can't trust the news, so I retreat to gaming BUT a quick glance at boardgame Twitter and - Jesus in a tin-foil Mankini! - you're castigated for not believing enough in X or complicit in the persecution of Y or simply enabling the perpetuation of Z by your 'inaction': fucking hell, I've got quite enough to worry about within the curtilage of my property without being flamed-then-blocked for not being part of the foam-mouthed mob at every. fucking. sleight!

From gallery of tonyboydell


To distract myself, I watch videos of Magic: The Gathering booster packs being opened; of combo-decks being combotastic on MTG Arena; of ornate, wooden puzzles being solved by a man with heavily-tattooed hands; of movie trailers for films I can't go and see because the cinemas are closed; of theories behind HELLRAISER and the ALIEN franchise; of a bloke lathing tree-trunks in to marbles; of a fake BBC TV News presenter ranting at the ugliness of it all.

I designed a game where you're trying to successfully summon a Demon; why did I bother? There's plenty here already.
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Tue Jun 16, 2020 6:15 am
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