Everyone Needs A Shed

Life and Games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell: Father, Grandfather, Husband and Independent UK Game Designer.

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As if the gaming world hasn't already suffered enough?! pt 3

Anthony Boydell
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Fri May 22, 2020 6:30 am
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Am I The Only One To Think...

Anthony Boydell
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...that GenCon 2020 (due the last weekend of July) is remarkably tardy in finally declaring that it's been cancelled? This is so late to the fucking party that only empty Pringle's tubes and a tin of expired Fosters lager remain.

From gallery of tonyboydell


I mean, the UK Games Expo - led by a medical practitioner FFS - tried the hopelessly-optimistic postponing thing ten weeks ago then recognised the reality of their surroundings* a month-or-so back; Essen - distantly shining on the October horizon - gives up the ghost yesterday after consideration of Governmental advice. Coincidentally, conveniently - SHOCK and bastard HORROR! - the GenConMen suddenly decide, the next day, that it's 'up' for them too. Had they been a shared Autumn festival then - perhaps - I might cut them a little slack BUT hanging on Spiel's coat-tails (like they are forever doomed to do) in such a cynical fashion is, well, deeply cynical...or, again, is that just me?

I say "Boo-fucking-hoo!" to their reluctant, corporate bandwagoning; I smell regret, but isn't it just regret for the loss of buckets of cash? No-one's going to be trousering wads of green from a virtual Con - apart from fucking 'Zoom', obviously.

As for The Gathering of Chums in mid-November? Well, you'd think I'd be taking advice from MY Government but that would be a 'hard pass' from me; instead, I shall keep in touch with the most excellent Landlord of The King's Arms in Newent (the venue) and take my lead from him: he makes a mean beef-burger AND serves the best beer selection in the County - I trust him over the scarecrow-haired, Mr Blobby arse-wit...
Every.
Day.
Of.
The.
Week.

*great Fishbone album
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Wed May 20, 2020 11:28 am
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As if the gaming world hasn't already suffered enough?!

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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An exclusive - from BoardGameNews' very own Randy Baumwadds:
From gallery of tonyboydell


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Tue May 19, 2020 12:35 pm
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$20,580

Anthony Boydell
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Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan
Of course there have always been, are, and will be again, marketing campaigns that annoy because they trick you into thinking they're about something else eg. A 30-second montage of a gestating foetus - the miracle of life - only for it to cut to a baby asleep in a manger on the back seat of a fucking Audi OR that one where Coke invented Christmas:



tl;dw Hasbro have made some Monopolys with real money in them to give to clever "not boys" because they care about STEM and the-opposite-of-males a very lot much indeed - too much, if anything. Adding the 'Ms' to the name gives it the feminine touch, yes? And I expect the playing pieces are a die-cast Pram, a mini-Lipstick, a Tampon, a Pony and the gratefully-received Right to Vote.

In a Universe that really doesn't need another fucking Monopoly variant, this is Olympic-standard, patronising, smug, bandwagon-hopping, creepy, 'What a Good Girl! (pat on the head)' marketing dogshit.

The first reactions to the advert have ranged from "Burn it with fire!" to "Burn Hasbro, and every man who works there, with fire!" - a multitude of immolation metaphors resting in-between. Fair enough, folks; because you absolutely, positively know for certain that this sexist wank was thought up by a bloke...and he was probably hoping he'd get a Teen fuck out of the whole deal too, the cunt.

What we really need is a mass market board game that highlights - once and for all, replete with portrait minis - how Science and Art and Culture owe an overwhelming - and, as yet, unpaid - debt to Womankind; it should be given away for free to every school and it should bear no Branding whatsoever: something created just because it is right and informative and helpful.

We now return you to your regular programming...

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Sat May 9, 2020 8:44 am
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Benny for your Thoughts

Anthony Boydell
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Today is not quite as good a day as other days.

The sun persists in its pre-Summer glow, the streets remain unclogged and - thankfully - our neighbour has resisted the urge to cycle through every damn one of his fucking power tools in the converted garage workshop; when he's not angle-grinding a trailer axle or moving his enormous stack of house bricks three feet to the left, he's encouraging his son to kick a football repeatedly against the back wall - what IS it with these people? Don't they ever want a moment's pissing peace?! Thus, silently - twittering avians in attendance - I sit with the window open and the laptop gently buzzing; fighting off the intermittent BGA and Yucata.de notifications by working.

The postman has been, but only delivered a Santander bank statement: no sign of the handful of due-by-now online purchases. In theory, I am saving quite the wedge of cash by not commuting but am in serious danger of frittering an equivalent away on anything with a painted box and scuffs pre-1950!

A ploughman's lunch has assuaged the munchies, followed by cake and fruit for pudding. My dietary regime - usually based around copious bowls of salad - has wandered away from true: cheese has reverted from an intoxicating treat to the norm - if fear for my trousers' wellbeing.

For the first time in a long while, I find myself restless; unsettled - bordering on bored - my gaze drifts around the library room and settles on nothing. I tried throwing a ball for the dog but he's in an odd mood too and pays no attention to where the thing lands, forcing me to traipse in to the undergrowth on his befuddled behalf.

My biorhythms have, evidently, troughed; my spiritual cycle has a puncture. This, too, shall pass.

I shall close with a minor rant because, despite polite requests to BGG moderation, no response - or solution - has been forthcoming. There is a gamer who has rated my games '1' with the slanderous statement "I won't support a designer who defends cultural appropriation in games.". He has refused to remove the text (I asked nicely):

From gallery of tonyboydell


I wrote a fulsome post explaining my thoughts and concerns around 'CAIG' (HERE) - to which this individual contributed (somewhat belligerently) - but what should I do now as he refuses to remove the offending statement and the mods won't intervene?
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Thu Apr 23, 2020 2:18 pm
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AMA!

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Mon Mar 30, 2020 11:01 am
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Cool your jets, mate.

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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In the world of board games, EVERYONE in 'the boardgaming media world' is so excited...and they're so excited all of the time!!!

(edited the above to clarify - because many folks have coughed up a lung thinking I was directing the whole thing at THEM, personally)

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Stonemaier Games announces that they're thinking about designing another game.


The daily sputtering fountain of release announcements, crowdfunding campaign shills and insider exclusives lure the media community away from their KALLAX backdrops to vibrate in ill-concealed ecstasy at the prospect of another Star Wars licensed miniatures game. One imagines vloggers, bloggers, Tweetles, "commentators" and - indeed - any organism with a respiratory mechanism, are in a permanent state of hypertension; shivering, barely able to hold a cup of milky beverage without it spilling amplified waves of hot liquid on their palpitating wrists*.

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Something 'Pandemic' is coming in 2021.


Whether it's a deluxe reprint of an old** classic or something with cats in it***, each newly-published News thread is accompanied by a howling supertornado of "I'm so stoked"s, "WANT so bad!"s, "This looks AMAAAAAAAAAAZING!"s and the occasional "Who do I need to blow to get a preview copy of this?!". With such an enormous schedule of released product in any given week, it's a wonder the community manages to retrieve any nutriment from their food before it is hurried through the alimentary canal and expelled as a quacking, noxious arse-sneeze; there's not a single moment for calm reflection, for meditative relaxation: it's just a perpetual, bellowing effervescence! I fear they'll all be Tachycardia statistics before they get to their 30s!

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Eric Lang has just done the rabbit ears thing behind a CMON Exec's head.


So, then, I must consider the question: Why? Why should someone allow themselves to be in a constant state of quaking exhilaration? I can't, for a minute, believe that they're naturally so optimistic and excitable; no, the cynic in me says they're faking and it's really about 'need':

- a need to be picked out from the mundanity and, thus, be heard;
- a need to be associated with success and, as there is not a guaranteed formula for determining 'which ones', everything will have to do - remember, children, that bandwagon-jumping is dangerous sport;
- a need for material; if you were rich enough to be able to BUY every game that came out, you wouldn't be filming in your Dining Room loudly and repetitively proclaiming Joy! Such unrestrained, swivel-eyed Ludic Lunacy might just get you some free stuff; and,
- a need to stave off the festering, abyssal vacuum of dread that creeps across their Soul that will - eventually - make them go out and get a proper fucking job!

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Someone whispers "Alexander Pfister".


My advice is to get good medication, read less 'news' and pick up cheap copies of everything a month after the fuss has died down (ie. a month after the release). Otherwise, you might find yourself so buzzingly-delirious that you slough all the skin off your body and turn-yourself actually inside-out like that baboon in 'The Fly'.

*this reads like E.L James prose
**anything after 2014 but before 2018
***cats have replaced penguins as 'most prolific animal theme in games' - for now. I predict a triumphant parade of Platypuses by the mid-20s.
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Wed Jan 22, 2020 10:22 am
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I'll Just Leave This "Bayeaux".

Anthony Boydell
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From gallery of tonyboydell

It's funny because it's true.
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Mon Nov 11, 2019 6:15 am
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Mean Spirits In The Material World

Anthony Boydell
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3
The artwork is excellent. The rules are simple and elegant. The game-play itself is tight and interesting. The only real question is whether this needed to be a board game and if it was not better off as a web-app or a video game. And my answer to that unfortunately is that this most certainly would have functioned better (and in fact is already available in countless more variations) for other platforms. Hence the low rating. Also because this changes nothing about my perception of solo games in general.

Looks like the ship fell in to an arsehole rather than a Black Hole.

And another one:

3
A boring worker placement where it almost always seem obvious what the optimal move is. The game has 2 "resources" that are finite, further reducing options from about round 4-6, and the arbitrary nature of the game accelerating the loss of the plantations feels as though all player agency is gone. The weather never feels quite impactful enough except when it just says "hey, you can't do 2 of the 7 actions this round".

I never played Snowdonia, so if people are saying this is a good evolution, then I can't imagine what that was. This game feels undercooked, and frustrating to play. The theme of colonial India felt unnecessary. If you want a tight worker placement game, go Russian Railroads. If you want one with options where you aren't limited to 7 (or less) total actions, and it isn't obvious which is the best, try Feast for Odin or Agricola.


It seems that it's day release at The Very Small Penis Clinic.
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Wed Nov 6, 2019 11:13 am
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Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet

Anthony Boydell
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Have you ever listened to 'Christian Rock' music? It's absolute tosh; it's monumental, tiresome arse: anodyne, cringeworthy, bland. Truly, the electric guitar is the Devil's instrument and all the best stories are His: Praise Be*.

And what of Christian board games? If you'd ever wondered what the answer the question "Is there anything worse than a roll-and-move game?" is, then just add a Heavenly theme to one and there's your reply. I'm'not suggesting that religious themes are shit - look at that Pope game (Habemus papam yadda-yadda) and Rajas of the Ganges' - just that Christianity-pushing themes are: self-flagellating, demeaning, prissy, bigoted and smug.

Follow the path of Redemption in to the clouds or slide down the greasy, sin-pole to the underworld? Candyland for the perpetually-terrified. Sanctimony is not a good vibe for an evening's entertainment; I'd rather not spend my gaming sesssions being told I'm an appalling Being - and a massive Cosmic let-down to my 'Father' - by a bloody board game! Boring, preachy, scripted; if a Christian board game were to be a true reflection of our spiritual travails, it should begin by espousing the mantra of Free Will and then increasingly punish you for exercising it as the rounds go on: multiple paths to Defeat, preferably lined, with good intentions. No, indeed; if I am to lose my self-esteem then I want to do it attempting to establish a lucrative railway network, a sustainable medieval farm and/or the judicious manipulation of the Art markets.

From gallery of tonyboydell


So with my cynicism dialed up to eleven, here's a starter-for-ten list of pun-tastic Christian board games:

Fiddlytwinks / Popeline / Nonce Upon A Time (Vatican special editions)
Terraforming Mary / Anachronysm
Gloomheaven / Dam-Nations
18{Cross}{Cross} / Railroad Revelations
At The Gates Of Sheol(ang) / St. Peter's Burgh
Holy Ghost Stories
God Of Love / ...and then we nailed hands...
Hey That's My Fish! (and Five Loaves)
Pope John Company / An Infamous Maffick /
@Habits / The Cassocks Are Coming!

Oh well; rant over. Go about your business.

*and Blessed Day, Under His Eye etc
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Thu Sep 19, 2019 11:21 am
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