Every Man Needs A Shed

Life and Games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell: Dad, Husband and Independent UK Game Designer, Agricola fanboy and jealous admirer of Carl Chudyk.
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FLGS 57 (Audience Participation)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
Welcome...to my Shed!
Microbadge: I love Europe!Microbadge: 5 Games for Doomsday fanMicrobadge: Talk Talk fanMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: Klemens Franz fan

(we are in an FLGS; the cashier is looking in to a microscope, which is next to a box of sample glass slides labelled “Content Providers and Other Bacteria”)

Doorbell: *ping*

(the cashier looks up; a customer enters, striding assertively)

Customer: (places an opened game box on the counter) I want to register a complaint!

Cashier: You want to register a complaint? I worked 3 hours overtime last Sunday and I’m only getting time off in lieu.

Customer: Yes, but –

Cashier: If you complain then nobody does anything –

Customer: Well, I –

Cashier: - and I’ve got no pound coins in the till –

Customer Er –

Cashier: - and that bloke (points to a quiet man in the corner who looks up briefly) has been browsing through the Christmas jigsaws for over an hour –

Browsing Customer: (protesting) They’re just not Festive enough!

Cashier: - and I’m sick-and-tired of this Industry!

(the cashier pushes the microscope over, leaps the counter-top while grabbing his coat and marches out of the shop)

Customer: (crestfallen) Oh. (looks around) Um?

(the cashier comes marching back in with a huge grin on his face and resumes his place at the point-of-sale)

Cashier: (double-finger guns the customer) Gaaaaaaaaaaaah! I got ya! Gimme five! (he presents the flat of this palm)

Customer: slowly raising his own hand() Soooo?

Cashier: (slaps) All part of the service, Sir! (makes air quotes) “A Jape A Day Keeps The Blues Away” and all that! What’s the problem, old buddy, old pal?

Customer: (pushes the game box across the counter) It’s this copy of Tapestry that I bought from you yesterday.

Cashier: (looks at box) Oh yes? An elegant and simple implementation of a Civ game from the master of the modern boardgaming arts? What’s wrong with it, Sir?

Customer: Well, when I opened –

Cashier: (continuing) – from the stable that brought us the gorgeous Wingspan, the visually-stunning Scythe and the thematically-coherent and exemplary worker placer Viticulture? What’s the trouble, Sir?

Customer: Okay, so I took it to my club –

Cashier: (continuing) – utilising a beautiful collection of enhanced playing pieces, the intuitive yet minimalised iconography and graphical presentation style so enamoured of Stonemaier fans -

Customer: - we set it up and read the ru –

Cashier: - and let us not forget the innovative take on the Legacy genre with the ground-breaking Charterstone

Customer: (tetchy) Are you going to let me explain or not?!

Cashier: (whispering behind his hand) You’re going to say that it’s an absolute dog-pile, aren’t you Sir?

Customer: (caught out slightly) Actually…yes, I was.

Cashier: (still whispering) Only…I wouldn’t recommend that you say that to loudly, Sir; only I’ll get geekmails!

Customer: (confused) Geekmails? Geekmails from whom?

Cashier: From them, Sir (he points at you, dear reader)

Customer: (turns to look at you too) Them?! (points in the same direction as the cashier)

You, dear Reader: Us? I mean, me?

Cashier: (conspiratorially to the customer) They’re ever so sensitive, Sir. You have to watch what you say around these parts otherwise they lose their shit!

Customer: (looking straight at you) Really? They don’t look threatening!

Cashier: Don’t let appearances ‘deceive’, Sir; one whiff of a Knizian sleight, a quality of Feld’s recent output query and/or a ‘pop’ at Jamey and they’re all over the [Comment] button like cheese on a Chicken Parmo*!

Customer: (whispers) I see. So what should I say instead?

Cashier: (whispers) Just say one of the pieces came broken or something.

Customer” (whispers) Okay. (aloud, glancing briefly behind him at us) Um – one of the pieces came –

Cashier: (prompts) Broken, Sir

Customer: - “broken” and I wonder what you’re going to do about it with regards to a refund?

Cashier: (whispers) That’s very good! (aloud) Well, I can offer you a replacement copy or the equivalent value in Store Credit, Sir.

Customer: (forgetting himself) Well, a replacement is no good because the game is liquid shite raining on the faces of babies forever so I'll take the refu-!

Cashier: (ducks under the counter) Now we’re for it!

*see MrShep's description from a few days ago
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