The Revenge of Wacky and Bizzare Things We've Read on the Geek (add your own!)
Burke Glover
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At last! The time has come for another side-splitting list of wacky and bizzare things spoken by YOU, the BoardGameGeek public. Oh yes, I've been watching you closely, anything you say can and has been recorded for posterity by me.

Just like the first list, I have collected comments that have caused me to laugh out loud. The first list was primarily commments attached to games. Since that list was written, the forums have exploded onto the scene, allowing conversations about flame wars, Geek Gold, shilling, and uh... bees.

Add your own! Do it!
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1. Board Game: Puerto Rico [Average Rating:8.06 Overall Rank:15]
Burke Glover
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Subject: [Insert Popular Game Here] [Rules/Sucks] and Deserves a Way [Better/Worse] Rating!

I recently bought [your favorite game] and played it for about half an hour and suddenly realized [this is the greatest game ever/I wanted the pain to end, somehow]. I can't believe how you guys have rated it! You're nothing but worthless [fanboys/haters]!

Wasn't it obvious when you experienced that [positive unique, quirky mechanic/certain action that breaks the entire game]! I find this game absolutely [awesome/unplayable] and believe that all the hype was created solely for the purpose of [bashing/promoting] this [amazing/sickening] game!

Please reply, I intend to dissect everything you say for grammatical errors and typos. In addition, I may consider saying everything I just said here again as though it might further prove my point after cutting your post into separate quote chunks to show I'm responding to multiple points on which you were wrong simply by posting, [fanboy/hater]!

--Justin Fitzgerald (KakarisMaelstrom)

A truly [insightful/idiotic] review of [insert popular game here]. I [feel the same way/am completely confused]!
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2. Board Game: Slime Monster Game [Average Rating:5.40 Unranked]
Burke Glover
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The child on the left looks like he slimed his pants.

--Clint DeSena (axelay80)

Oh mercy! There's nothing I can possibly add to that.
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3. Board Game: Fluxx [Average Rating:5.69 Overall Rank:6632] [Average Rating:5.69 Unranked]
Burke Glover
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Subject: Re: Power Grid Nearly Stolen

I knew a guy who left a nearly perfect condition copy of Fluxx in plain view on the passenger seat when he stopped into the bar for a couple drinks before heading home.

Halfway through his second beer, he panicked, suddenly nervous at the thought that he had left his car unlocked. He dashed out to the parking lot.

Exactly as he had feared, when he looked into his unlocked car - sure enough, there on the passenger seat - someone had left another copy of Fluxx.

--Ben Vogel (shaveandahaircut)

It just wouldn't be the same without some more Fluxx bashing, now would it?
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4. Board Game: Flames of War: The World War II Miniatures Game [Average Rating:7.09 Overall Rank:1729]
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Subject: Flame Wars: The Campaign Game Modifiers

When reading Mr. Berg’s diatribe, do not forget to add the +2 Disgruntled Designer die roll modifier and consult the Random Pointless Stuff chart; roll 2 six-sided dice and cross reference the result with the “BGG Is More than Grognards Column” to get the total amount of disruption. Then draw a Designer Card and consult the rulebook for at least 45 minutes. Discard the card in frustration and roll on the Flame Wars charts to get the final level of absurdness.devil

--Thomas Heaney (theaney)

This was perhaps the best BGG response to designer Richard Berg's spiteful remarks towards the community. A thumb to the nose!
 
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5. Board Game: Guess How Much I Love You Game [Average Rating:2.33 Unranked]
Burke Glover
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Subject: Re: Jeff Easley did my wife

Well what can anyone say about Reiner Knizia? it's the toughest thing anyone can possibly be made to answer. Maybe it's wise to start with the other great human endeavours, the Ancient Greeks, the Pyramids, The European Rennaisance, Beethoven, Einstein. Put these in a melting pot and the end result would stll be vastly inferior to Reiner Knizia. The human mind is simply unable to comprehend the dizzying magnitude of Reiner Knizia's genius. It's like trying to comprehend the vastness of the Cosmos. Every single man woman and child on the planet must do 60 years of penance for failing to be in the same league as Reiner Knizia. Reiner Knizia is the greatest thing in the history of existence. We are but worms in the Almighty prescence of Reiner Knizia .

--blah blah (iwantReinerKnizia)

I'll start my 60 years of penance next year. I promise.
 
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6. Board Game: Igloo Pop [Average Rating:6.27 Overall Rank:2553]
Burke Glover
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I think that the original play-test version of this was called IGLOO POP 'EM IN THE JAW

--Robert Osvalds (Robert Osvalds)

Sounds like the prototype was better!
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7. Board Game: Tribond [Average Rating:5.26 Overall Rank:15139]
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This game is known as the 's**t sucking game' at my mothers house. She likes it for some reason so we always end up playing it. I win every time and hate it more every time. It is tedium defined. Role the category die, answer the theme of the three clues "a banana, an orange, a pretty woman", "they all have a peel". Stop, my sides, oh, you really got me on that one. Blech. Role the movement die, next player, ad nauseum. I'd rather scratch my cornea for excitement than play this 'game'.

--Darren Copple (moldndecay)

In keeping with the theme of Tribond I have three comments:
1. Why would you call it the "salt sucking game"??
2. I used to like cornea scratching but I prefer El Grande now.
3. Oh I get it! A PEEL! HAW HAW HAW.
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8. Board Game: Beer and Pretzels Skirmish (BAPS) [Average Rating:6.00 Unranked]
 
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When I get a new game, I spread out all the cards, pieces, and the board on a cleared table and pour beer all over them.

Just gets it out of the way.

--Brian Whitmore (misanthrope)

Good strategy. And speaking of drinks...
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9. Board Game: Coffee! [Average Rating:4.66 Unranked]
Burke Glover
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I like my coffee like I like my women....

COVERED IN BEES!!!

--Scott "Pokey Pokey Pokey" Reed (skelebone)

You too, huh?
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10. Board Game: The World Game of Economics [Average Rating:6.17 Unranked]
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Most people don't know this, but until 1989, GeekGold actually had its exchange value pegged to the Ruble. Anticipating the decline of the Soviet Union, then GeekGold Reserve Chairman Derk Solko revalued the currency at a composite function of the value of the Deutschmark, the US Dollar, the Pound, and the current exchange rate of wood for sheep.

This remained stable through the restructuring in Europe and weathered the transition to the Euro, however the rise of the Internet caused the market to be overwhelmed with wild speculation over the value of sheep, dramatically destabilizing GeekGold. At this point, Derk stepped down as chairman of the Reserve, and Scott Alden took over. While this raised gamer confidence, there was still rampant GeekGold inflation. As the stock bubble collapsed, GeekGold stabilized in value, a bit worse for the wear.

Finally, in 2001, under pressure from the United Nations and Reiner Knizia, Scott allowed GeekGold to float freely relative to other world currencies. As of the close of business today, GeekGold is trading up against frequent flier miles, down against arcade game tokens, and flat relative to the US Dollar.

--Matthew Gray (mkgray)

Huh huh. He said "wood for sheep."
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11. Board Game: Banemaster [Average Rating:2.73 Unranked]
Burke Glover
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DAMN YOU CHESSEX! DAMN YOUR POLYHEDRAL RANDOM NUMBER GENERATOR MANUFACTURING SOUL!

--Bernard Donohue (puffinslayer)

DOWN WITH THE MAN!
 
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12. Board Game: The Ungame [Average Rating:2.82 Overall Rank:15306]
Burke Glover
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Look at the box. Everyone is smiling. They must be playing a really fun game. No, wait! They're playing an Ungame! They're having Unfun! Unfun is a special form of fun that's more Fun than fun. AND they're talking about all the Unfun they're having, and how it makes them all feel.

Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh! Kill me now!

--Devi Hughes (El-ahrairah)

Unfun makes me feel... weird.
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13. Board Game: Amun-Re [Average Rating:7.35 Overall Rank:260]
Damian Evans
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I still can not get through Gola's Amen-Re session report with out tears of laughter. I will pimp this as my favorite BGG laugh until I find better.

http://www.boardgamegeek.com/geekforum.php3?action=viewthrea...

I know most of you have read this.
For those who haven't, read it now!
 
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14. Board Game: Feeley Meeley [Average Rating:5.59 Unranked]
Peer Sylvester
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I think the Blonde guy found something in a different box.
- Morgan Dontanville
(sisteray)
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15. Board Game: Lifeboats [Average Rating:6.60 Overall Rank:1232]
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Things I´ve learned from playing boardgames...

Who My Friends Are.

As evidenced by Kohle, Kies & Knete, Rette Sich Wer Kann, Piratenbucht, Family Business, Killer Bunnies, Dragon’s Gold, Nicht Die Bohne: I have none.
- Scott Tepper
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16. Board Game: Lord of the Rings: The Confrontation [Average Rating:7.21 Overall Rank:414]
JessA
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Southwestern
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That's MRS. McFoxFace to you!
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Kimapesan's session report of his game with No Ace Yet is one that I go back to re-read from time to time whenever I need a laugh:
http://www.boardgamegeek.com/geekforum.php3?action=viewthrea...

Favorite quote:

Merry: Say, where's Pippin? Wasn't he supposed to come to this meeting too?
Gandalf: I've sent him on a very important, very secret mission to the wild lands.
Merry: Won't he be killed out there by himself?!
Gandalf: We can only hope.
 
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17. Board Game: Divine Wind [Average Rating:5.08 Unranked]
Doctor Apollo
Australia
Newcastle
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From the geeklist: Games in your collection with good Box Fart

http://www.boardgamegeek.com/geeklist.php3?action=view&listi...

- Joe Gola (Gola)

Upon reading this list I realized that I Had to Find Out. I would never get to sleep if I didn't discover which of my games had the fartiest box. I knew right off the bat who the two prime suspects were: the new AH version of Acquire and El Grande. I was postive that I had heard some shocking eructations from one of those two boxes at one point or another.

At the risk of waking up my son with stentorian wind breakage, I got down on my hands and knees and crawled into my closet, where some of the larger games are kept. I reached El Grande first, grasped the lid, and gave it a metaphorical pull of the finger. Nothing! Not a peep. Then I remembered that it was Mexico and not Spain that was so pathologically fond of the frijoles. Too bad. If I just could have squeaked out a little toot I bet the castillo would have been a kick-ass echo chamber.

I shifted over a couple of feet and grabbed the Acquire box. Now we were going to hear a little trombone. I braced myself and gave it a good yank, expecting to confront every fart ever stilfed at a Wall Street business luncheon all rolled into one shameful honk. There was a discreet poot, nothing more. Huh?

Now I was really confused. I was positive that I had heard some raunchy box flatulence from somewhere in my collection, and I had to know who the culprit was. The old axiom of "he who smelt it, dealt it" was of no use here, as was its corollary, "he who denied it, supplied it." Without any kind of snappy rhyme to guide my way, I simply had to try every box. Kosmos big box: silent as the grave. Alea: just a graceful whish (too classy, probably does it after everyone's gone to bed). Mayfair: a little gassy, but nothing that would get you kicked out of a restaurant.

Suddenly I froze. No...it couldn't be. My hands trembled as I gently lifted my beloved Liberte out of its drawer. No, not you my precious. Certainly it wasn't you. Not my favorite game. I set it down on the bed and gingerly tried to lift the cover.

Oh man but that box ripped one off. It was like some kind of gastronomical gunshot rattling the windows and setting off car alarms down the block. As I stood there blinking in the last dying echoes I realized that my hat had been knocked off.

My wife poked her head in the door. "Crack a window if you're going to do that, honey."

Why oh why didn't I let well enough alone? Here I sit, broken hearted....
 
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18. Board Game: Nexus Ops [Average Rating:7.24 Overall Rank:333]
lisa smith
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“Although some may be put off by the day-glo creature pieces, both the owner of the game and I thought that they were wonderful. The board pieces (hexes, about Settlers-sized, printed with the type of terrain they represent) are also quite garish. The liquifungus forest and crystal spire terrain hexes both score high marks in the ‘I-am-glad-I-do-not-have-epilepsy’ point column. Basically, if you imagine eating a copy of Settlers of Catan and an entire bag of cotton-candy, and then throwing up, you have an idea of what it all looks like.”

Bob Coque (Oldstench)

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19. Board Game: Catan [Average Rating:7.23 Overall Rank:279] [Average Rating:7.23 Unranked]
Peer Sylvester
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Out of the discussion: Why is the robber in Settler black?:


I saw this one coming a long time ago, so I painted the robber with rainbow stripes, thinking that it would offend everyone equally in that case, and therefore offend none. Then I invited my gay friend Sancho over...

So what is THAT?"
"The robber."
"There's a gay robber in this game?"
"He's not gay."
"Right. Uh-huh. Probably still in the closet, but the rainbow is a DEAD giveaway."
"Okay, maybe he's gay. It's just a robber as far as I'm concerned."
"A GAY robber."
"Okay, a gay robber. Happy?"
"Giddy with delight. So what, he breaks into people's houses and tries on their shoes? Rearrange their furniture?"
"He just keeps players from getting resources."
"Like...?"
"Like Sheep... Ore..."
"Or what? Believe me, gays don't DO sheep. That's an entirely different set of kinks. Any leather?"
"No, but there's wood."
"The gay robber can get wood? Tres kinky! Sign me up!"
"You know, Sancho, this whole conversation is entirely fictitious. You are merely a figment of my imagination."
"A GAY figment."
"Fine."

-Randall Peek
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20. Board Game: Boggle [Average Rating:6.19 Overall Rank:1959]
Peer Sylvester
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Boris Dvorkin (Boarass): love Boggle, but unless you have the newest version, the game is unplayable in a quiet area. Utter silence for three minutes, then:
BRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRRRR ... RICKA ... RICKARAWR ... RICKA ... RICK ... RI ... R.

Chad Krizan (Chaddyboy_2000): Your copy came with a lion!?!

Randall Peek: Yours didn't?
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21. Board Game: Elefant Hunt [Average Rating:6.20 Overall Rank:7348]
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? [I dont recall who posted this comment] : (...) Its nice to play with your wife at night

Aleister Finshley: Yes, but what about the game?



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22. Board Game: Tic-Tac-Toe [Average Rating:2.60 Overall Rank:15341]
Vashazar Yathrukar
United States
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This session report is so.....hmmm.....I dunno see for yourself

http://boardgamegeek.com/geekforum.php3?action=viewthread&th...
 
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23. Board Game: Monopoly [Average Rating:4.39 Overall Rank:15333]
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Berlin
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Um...well I think that I win. In 3rd grade my father used to have to commute 2 hours to and from work each day, which put me in a professional babysitter's house, before and after school. I was having difficulty bonding with the other kids that were there (I mean what do you say to a girl that never ever showers and eats her boogers and scabs) and figured that perhaps there might be a common ground in boardgames. Of course, as I was just a youngun' I didn't have the depth of games that I do now, so Monopoly it was.

Being that kids aren't supposed to play indoors on nice days, we camped out in the driveway. Concrete pancake ass and pebble studded knees were sacrificed for real estate revenge.

At that age Monopoly can become quite heated, and of course this facilitated the ways in which we could mention how much we detested each other. None of us got along with, but there was Scab Girl who brought us all closer together. Our common disgust was brought out ten-fold. To make matters better, she was loosing, and loosing badly. Let the chiding begin.

As always in Monopoly, whoever is unfortunate enough to land on Boardwalk with hotels on it, is dealt the killing blow. And there she rolled. After laughter and fingerpointing, she fought back the best way that she knew how -- to utterly shock.

Time slowed to tar, as she leaned back, flipped up her dress, pulled down her drawers, and peed. The yellow arc shone in the sun. A fountain raining down all over Free Parking. She was Fluxus.


When you spill a drink on your board, the first thing you want to do is mop it up.

When someone pees on your board, you don't want to go anywhere near it.

What was once a heated game now became thoroughly warmed. This really put a new twist on beating the piss out of someone.

The nanny cleaned the game up as much as possible, Scab Girl was no longer welcome back into this house of misfits, and I was scarred. Strangely though, I kept the game.

Over the years, I would pull this out, and someone halfway through the game would eventually ask where the stain over Free Parking came from. I can only imagine what was running through people's mind as I would explain to fellow players nonchalantly, "Oh, you know, some girl pissed on it."

Perhaps, she knew better, perhaps she was the Dada prophetess of Eurogames to come. Perhaps she was the only one of us with taste (mmm ... scabs).

- Morgan Dontanville (sisteray)

[Added due on popular demand ;-)
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24. Board Game: Age of Steam [Average Rating:7.69 Overall Rank:114]
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No, now you've lost me. Use the rules to scoop up pieces yes, but read them? And get into arguments? We played Age of Steam for nigh on 40 minutes with a friend who was "Teaching" us. We had a whale of a time, loved it. Then a brief look at the rules told us that the game didn't start with the rule "Grab a load of tracks and make some pretty routes. Put some of the little coloured bits on some of the towns. The taller you stack them, the more points you get."
We were kind of disappointed when these didn't turn out to be the real rules.

-Simon Robinson (Bluenose)
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25. Board Game: Power Grid [Average Rating:7.91 Overall Rank:28]
An open-eyed man falling into the well
United States
Roswell
Georgia
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Mr. Burns teaches Power Grid:

http://boardgamegeek.com/geekforum.php3?action=viewthread&th...

For those of you unfamiliar with the TV show The Simpsons, about 90% of the post is a compilation of quotes from a character who owns a nuclear power plant.
 
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