10 Games That Could Use A Fabulous Makeover
Jason Beck
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Or: How I learned to stop worrying and- shut. up. you look amazing in that

This geeklist is brought to you by The Bored Gaymer, BoardGameGeek’s most popular blog with the terms "bored" and "gaymer" in the title.

In my last geeklist, we discussed ten popular games that could use a sassy gay friend in their lives. The stunning success of that geeklist- and the wild, raucous Internet Fame it brought me*- convinced me that BGG could be... a little gayer. And so, I sat around asking myself, "Self, how can you- oh em gee yes YOU- take BGG and, you know, queer up the place a little?"**

This list is inspired by a question I received from Chris during my time as Geek of the Week, who asked me, "As you know, I like modding games. Is there any game you would like to give a gay makeover to?" And, of course, as soon as I saw the question, I was like, "Oh my goodness, I hafta hafta hafta make a geeklist about that", which is why I’m posting this one, more than two months later. (It’s unfashionable to be right on time, you know.)

*This part might not be true.
**This part certainly isn’t.
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1. Board Game: The Red Dragon Inn [Average Rating:6.57 Overall Rank:1185] [Average Rating:6.57 Unranked]
Jason Beck
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Everyone loves a good game of Red Dragon Inn (especially when it involves actual drinking!). But you know what might make Red Dragon Inn a little bit better? More homos!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: "But Jason, what about Fiona? I know she’s got a flannel shirt underneath that armor. And how about Fleck the Bard in Red Dragon Inn 2? I mean, come on, broseph." And I just, I can’t even believe you would bring up stereotypes like that! Just because Fleck likes to sing and dance and wear bright colors doesn’t mean-

Alright, I’m kidding. He probably is. But this inn is stodgy and out-dated. Can’t we get some wizards to cast Dancing Lights? And sorry honey, but we’re gonna have to fire the bar wench and replace her with some strapping young country lads. We’re also going to need to institute a new dress code if we want to get this place hoppin’, so I’m gonna need all you guys to lose your shirts.

There, now, isn’t that better?

Post-Makeover Name: Pink Dragon Inn
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2. Board Game: King of Tokyo [Average Rating:7.26 Overall Rank:228]
Jason Beck
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Oh my gods, what what what are you doing.

Okay, I know this is probably one of those "alpha male" things or whatever, but you all need to settle down. I mean, look at all the damage you’re doing to Tokyo! Won’t you please think of the Hello Kitty? And I know you’ve all got this whole "monster" vibe going, and I know there are some guys and gals who go for that whole "bad guy" thing, but let’s try something a little different. I mean, otherwise you’re just going to be fighting all the time, right?

Like you, Kraken. How about we get you some slammin’ jeans and a nice muscle-T? The ladies will be... running. Which I guess is what they’re already doing, but anyway. And you, Alienoid. Let’s get you a giant, robotic exoskeleton that emphasizes your good features- like your eyes! And... how many of them you have!

Post-Makeover Name: Queens of Tokyo
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3. Board Game: Village [Average Rating:7.56 Overall Rank:112]
Jason Beck
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It sure is nice that you can follow your hopes and dreams in Village, or whatever, but these career paths and life choices feel a little bit... limited, don’t they? I mean, what if I want to be in the Navy? Or be a construction worker, or a cowboy, or a policeman? There are more options beyond just being a macho man after all, you know, and I don’t think I should have to go west to find them.

Post-Makeover Name: Village People
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4. Board Game: Power Grid [Average Rating:7.91 Overall Rank:31]
Jason Beck
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Can we get some love for the ladies up in here? Women can have fabulous makeovers, too. And what better to makeover than Power Grid? I mean, talk about a dry, dusty theme!

So let’s take out all the power plants and replace them with famous women’s rights advocates! Instead of trying to power-up cities, you’ll be powering up rights! It’s a win-win.

Post-Makeover Name: Empowerment Grid
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5. Board Game: Mall Madness [Average Rating:4.40 Unranked]
Jason Beck
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Oh, a game about shopping. Totes necessary! (Or perhaps, "Totes: Totes necessary?") This one’s a little out-dated, though, and even the newer version ("Electronic Mall Madness") doesn’t bring us up to 2012. I mean, come on, it’s the 21st century!

So let’s give this an overhaul, shall we? We’re going to need to do away with the mall entirely and re-do the whole thing as one of those totes-in-right-now outdoor-mall/shopping/plaza things. Then, we’re going to need to update the stores (obvs!). And why are there only women featured in this game? Everyone knows that gay DINKs are where the purchasing power really lies. So let’s make sure that all the clothes on display are a little too small and the board is soaked in cologne.

Post-Makeover Name: OMG Shoes
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6. Board Game: Spartacus: A Game of Blood & Treachery [Average Rating:7.47 Overall Rank:280]
Jason Beck
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Oh, a game about Spartacus! Well, that sounds like a perfect game for a fabulous makeover, amirite? And it’s based on the tv show on Starz? Delightful!

So, we’re in ancient Roman times, which means we’re going to need to throw some queers into the cast-

Wait, there already are some? Alright. Gays: check!

Okay, so can we do anything to help out the lesbian quotient? I mean, I know this is pretty much going to be a bro-fest, because gladiators and whatnot, but- Sorry, what? Xena is in it? Okay: check!

Well, then I guess there’s nothing else for me to do except make sure that there are plenty of shirtless men on the box and the cards. I mean, sure, armor might be more practical, but when has that ever mattered? Wait, they’ve already done that, too? Alright. Looks like my work here is done.

Post-Makeover Name: Spartacus: A Game of Blood and Homoeroticism
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7. Board Game: Dungeons & Dragons Basic Game [Average Rating:6.78 Overall Rank:2230]
Jason Beck
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Dungeons and Dragons, Dungeons and Dragons. Hmmmm. I mean, I like where this is going, right? Dungeon. Great. Wonderful. Not so sure about the "Dragons" part, though.

So we’ve got groups of people going into dungeons, and they’re all wearing crazy get-ups, right? Some are in leather, and some are in chain(mail), and some are in, like, those great dresses- wizard’s robes, whatever. And apparently wands are a big part of the equipment you can find, so I like what I’m hearing so far.

I just, I feel like the name is missing something. Oh, I’ve got it!

Post-Makeover Name: Dungeons and Drag-Queens
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8. Board Game: Among the Stars [Average Rating:7.18 Overall Rank:430] [Average Rating:7.18 Unranked]
Jason Beck
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Okay, I know space is all exciting and stuff, but you know what’s also exciting? Celebrities! Ohmygodsyes. So how about, instead of, like, building space stations or whatever, everyone tries to throw the biggest, best party in the universe? If you really want, you can keep the sci-fi theme (I guess), but instead of having things like power generators, you can have booze! You could even keep a lot of the art, as long as it was a costume party.

I like the variety of colors, and we can keep the tile-laying mechanic too, of course, but let’s re-focus the emphasis away from boring stuff like turrets and gardens (wait, scratch that, it could totes be a garden party) and marketplaces and deal more with important issues like seeing and being seen. This is going. to be. amazing.

Post-Makeover Name: Among the Starlets
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9. Board Game: Bohnanza [Average Rating:7.06 Overall Rank:374]
Jason Beck
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Felix alearum famis! Et posse impares sumus erimus en tui semper favoris.
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This one shouldn’t be too hard (or should it?). All you really have to do is change the name and alter the art a little bit. And then: voila!, pretty fabulous indeed. The rest of this should probably be censored.

Post-Makeover Name: Bone-anza

Other contenders for this slot: Game of Bones; Arkham Whores
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10. Board Game: Dixit [Average Rating:7.32 Overall Rank:197] [Average Rating:7.32 Unranked]
Jason Beck
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Felix alearum famis! Et posse impares sumus erimus en tui semper favoris.
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This game is gay enough as-is.

Post-Makeover Name: No change.

Seriously, though: Dixit.
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