It's a time for giving, BGG folks, and I want you to prime your roasting cannons, ignite the brandy butter and gleefully grease your turkey basters to unleash nerd fury on Sam for besmirching the reputation of one of the best geek films ever made.
I fence, not well, but it's better than going to a gym. I love fencing, and whilst I'm never going to trouble the Olympic selection committee, I like a good sword fight. Even if it is a technical 'Rom Com' the sword fight is fabulous and a thing of beauty to watch.
Vizzini: A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby? Buttercup: There is nothing nearby... Not for miles. Vizzini: Then there will be no one to hear you scream.
First off, I think it's a stretch to classify Princess Bride as a rom-com. It's really more of a comedic fantasy adventure. The romance between Westley and Buttercup is simply a MacGuffin to get the plot rolling. The gags are funny, the dialogue is very well-written, and there are more memorable lines than Monty Python can shake a stick at. And yes, the film does contain one of the best sword fighting sequences ever filmed.
Now for the requested abuse: Your friend needs to shut off WoW, put down the poopsock, drag his pasty unwashed carcass over to the DVD player in his Mom's basement and watch this great movie before he talks any more smack about things he doesn't know anything about. And then take a freakin' shower.
Since he has challenged the honor of The Princess Bride, challenge him in a duel "to the pain". When he ask, what that is, tell him:
"I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon. 'To the pain' means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose. The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out: 'Dear God! What is that thing?!' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain' means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass. I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. DROP... YOUR... SWORD!"
The Grandson: A book? Grandpa: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I'm gonna read it to you. The Grandson: Has it got any sports in it? Grandpa: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles... The Grandson: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try to stay awake. Grandpa: Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.
Let me explain... No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
The Princess Bride is not a "Rom Com." It is a movie about vengeance, and justice, and the depravity of unchecked ambition. There's practically no on-screen mushy stuff; the title only has "Princess" and "Bride" because it tested well with the ladies, and because "Two Dudes Wring Redemption from the Shame and Blood of their Enemies" didn't fit as well on the poster.
Furthermore--and more importantly--The Princess Bride is like the Bible: missing it leaves you culturally illiterate. To mingle in polite company unarmed with a brace of lines from the movie is to risk everyone realizing you're a doofus, just as they would if you said the story of Adam & Eve "sounds like a chick flick."
With a title like a doctor's romance novel i can completly understand why Sam figured the game would fall into a romcom category. And i figured that two men waving their long hard swords at each other was not going to change much for this fiend.
Check it out though Sam, it is worth your time(and it beats getting pelted with roasted nuts)
Man In Black: What you do not smell is called Iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. Vizzini: Hmm. Man In Black:Turns away from Vizzini with the goblets, to pour the poison in. Goblets replaced on the table, one in front of each. All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead. Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. Man In Black: You've made your decision then? Vizzini: Not remotely. Because Iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. Man In Black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect. Vizzini: WAIT TILL I GET GOING! Where was I? Man In Black: Australia. Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. Man In Black: You're just stalling now. Vizzini: YOU'D LIKE TO THINK THAT, WOULDN'T YOU? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. Man In Black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work. Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS! Man In Black: Then make your choice. Vizzini: I will, and I choose-- What in the world can that be? Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. The Man In Black looks. Man In Black: What? Where? Vizzini switches the goblets. Turning back. I don't see anything. Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. Smirks. Man In Black: What's so funny? Vizzini: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, Picks up glass. and you from yours. They drink. Man In Black:Pointing. You guessed wrong. Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha-- Stops suddenly, and falls dead, to his right.
Inigo Montoya:Hello there. Slow going? Man in Black: [climbing a sheer cliff] Look, I don't mean to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me. Inigo Montoya: [apologetic] Sorry. Man in Black:Thank you. Inigo Montoya: [paces impatiently] I donna suppose you could speed things up? Man in Black:If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do. Inigo Montoya:I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you. Man in Black:That does put a damper on our relationship. Inigo Montoya:But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top. Man in Black:That's VERY comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait. Inigo Montoya:I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard. Man in Black:No good. I've known too many Spaniards. Inigo Montoya:Isn't there any way you trust me? Man in Black:Nothing comes to mind. Inigo Montoya: [sincerely] I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive. Man in Black:Throw me the rope.
The amazing thing about The Princess Bride is that the quotes simply never get old. Prior to 1987, an individual would only be able to yell the word "inconceivable" at most once every three or four months without drawing the attention of the psychiatric community, but, thanks to The Greatest Movie Ever, sweaty comic book store patrons can now say this word as many times as they wish for as long as they wish within the bounds of the normal geek life span. Do we think the word means what they think it means? We do not! And hilarity ensues.
And who can forget the timeless and delightful "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die"? No one. No one is allowed to ever forget it for as long as they live, and if they do by some chance forget it because of traumatic head injury or binge drinking, they will be immediately reminded by someone at the IT help desk where they work. "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." It simply rolls of the tongue, gravid with poetry and import, does it not? In comparison the spastic bleatings of Keats and Shakespeare sound like the muffled flatulence of a dying hobo. "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Drink that in, will you: it just never gets old.
Because that's more of a romantic comedy than the Princess Bride is...
...they even billed it as a "RomZomCom"!
What your young friend does not see is called "a great movie". It is among the deadlier quotemines. All he has to do is discern from what he knows of you, whether you are the kind of man who would put a great movie in his netflix queue, or a crappy movie in your own.