I SUCK AT THIS GAME - My second year of being rubbish at games.
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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Hi all.
Last year I posted a geeklist called 'I SUCK AT THIS GAME - THE LOSING EDGE'

http://boardgamegeek.com/geeklist/108235/i-suck-at-this-game...

Well, it's been over 12 months, and that's plenty of time for me to buy and play more games at which I am hopelessly shithouse.

Enjoy

*EDIT* - please guys, feel free to add your own tales of woe
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1. Board Game: Agricola: Farmers of the Moor [Average Rating:8.12 Unranked] [Average Rating:8.12 Unranked]
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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Not only will my poverty-stricken family of squatters starve to death, but under my gross incompetence they will also freeze solid every winter. Meanwhile, they'll have a nice duckpond and more wicker baskets than you could poke a malnourished baby at.
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2. Board Game: Android: Netrunner [Average Rating:7.93 Overall Rank:39]
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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I somehow think I'm some kind of mastermind by leaving remote servers flapping unprotected in the breeze. "He won't run" I tell myself "He'll smell a trap, and hold off. Little does he know, that's really an agenda! Mwahahaha!"
Meanwhile, I've ignored the fact that I consistently play this game with the SAME FRIEND time and time again. By now, he's well and truly sniffed out my Baldric-level 'cunning plan'.
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3. Board Game: Battlestar Galactica: The Board Game [Average Rating:7.75 Overall Rank:63]
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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Two packets of Burger Rings will do funny things to a man. Like, for instance, cause him to forget himself and blurt out to the table

"Just because I'm a Cylon doesn't mean that.....ah....bugger."

This is par for the course in these kind of games of deduction and misdirection. My puh-puh-poker face is huh-huh-huh-hopeless.
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4. Board Game: Earth Reborn [Average Rating:7.75 Overall Rank:269]
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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I'm under the incredibly misguided impression that just because I can hold my own in a real-life fight I should be able to transfer the mindset and skills required to the board.

It doesn't work.

We've only played the first few scenarios (to our shame) but each time we play the first one my poor Jeff Dealer mini cops the beating of his life. Once, he barely made it out of his starting position in the dunnies before Big Hand Frank knocked down the door and kicked the shizzle out of him. Despite loving every minute of it, I am RIDICULOUSLY BAD at this game.
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5. Board Game: Gears of War: The Board Game [Average Rating:7.48 Overall Rank:347]
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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Over the course of the year that I have owned this game, I've managed to shoot one Locust before bleeding out like a stuck pig (who sucks at games.) One. Lousy. Locust.

And I paid $65 for the privilege.
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6. Board Game: Eclipse [Average Rating:7.98 Overall Rank:30]
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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For me, this game is about upgrading your ships to the max and making them awesome then parking them in your space garage. Once a month, I'll take them out, polish them and drive them around town with the windows down, just to impress the alien chicks.

Everyone else can go rule the universe and win the game.
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7. Board Game: Kanzume Goddess [Average Rating:6.61 Overall Rank:3528]
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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The art suckered me into buying this, so luckily it's actually a very fun game to play. Yet I CANNOT for the LIFE OF ME win a match.

It's got something to do with distraction and buying / drafting cards that appeal to me, rather than cards that are worthwhile.

Libra? Pfffft - she's all yours, dude. What a waste of 8 points.
Now ARES. THAT is a warrior woman! I'll take five of them, my good man!

It's a common thread for me with some games - buy or rely on nice looking cards / creatures / abilities / busty goddesses and wind up getting smashed by opponents who are playing the game properly.

*EDIT* - I don't want to be *that guy* who lowers the tone of the place by adding Busen Memo to the list (even though *that guy* and I would probably be #SuperBestFriendsForever) but if I ever got to play that game it might be something I can finally win. If Fantasy Flight ever published Busen Memo as an LCG, I'd be spending my money like a madman, as well as flying to the US to take out the yearly FFG LCG Busen Memo World Championship.
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8. Board Game: Kemet [Average Rating:7.76 Overall Rank:77]
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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I mentioned Cyclades last year - its a great game, so when the opportunity to be just as shit at playing Kemet came along, I had to preorder immediately.

Everyone buys up the white 'discount' powers, giving them more available cash in the long run. Me, I like the beasts. Spent most of the game plotting and planning to buy me that sweet giant scorpion.
"A giant scorpion!" I thought. "That's a winner's animal. That's rad. Giant scorpions are f'ing BOSS!"
By the time my extravagant purchase hit the board, the game was already in the bag. Not my bag. I wasn't even near the bag.

It was a doubly disappointing to finally buy the scorpion with the little dude riding it and crack wise in my best Morrowind raspy Dunmer-elf voice:
"Why walk when you can ride?" and
"We make special trip, just for you, same low price!" only to find that no one at the table knew what I was on about.

I was planning that gag all night.
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9. Board Game: Mage Wars Arena [Average Rating:7.75 Overall Rank:137] [Average Rating:7.75 Unranked]
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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Here's a winning strategy for you - save all your cool stuff for a rainy day. All your great creatures, all the napalm-a-whole-square spells, keep them. You might need them later. Instead, throw out a couple of bats, maybe a gremlin. Grow a pretty garden of manna flowers and crystals.

Just keep the cool stuff for later. That way, when you lose, you can flip through the book like a proud father with his wallet photos, and show your victorious opponent all of the sweet creatures you were going to bust out *next turn*.
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10. Board Game: Spartacus: A Game of Blood & Treachery [Average Rating:7.47 Overall Rank:280]
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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I get it!

So happy now that, after several plays, someone has told me that it's more about having the toughest gladiators than having the hottest prostitutes.


As a serious aside, this game is truly amazing. If you don't have it in your collection, order it today.
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11. Board Game: Warhammer: Invasion [Average Rating:7.25 Overall Rank:452]
Chris Pratt
Australia
Hervey Bay
Queensland
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The Chaos guys just look GREAT. Every time, I want to play as my lovely 'Chaos Boys'. My long-suffering opponent of several years will always shake his head and smile, knowing that while I scratch around to find the cash to afford Khorne's BloodMasterSmashFaceofDeath he will destroy me with the High Elves of St Pooftersville. Every SINGLE time.
LOOK AT THEM! A decent fart could blow over any one of those elves, yet my ineptitude at this game means that even the toughest Chaos beastie will wilt like a wet petunia under the power of Elvish glitter and sequins.
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12. Board Game: A Game of Thrones: The Board Game (Second Edition) [Average Rating:7.70 Overall Rank:84]
Evan Francis
Australia
Maryborough
Queensland
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The game goes like this...

* "Hey neighbour, totally won't march on you if you don't march on me"

- "Yep, sure"

then I will sit there and devise my long term evil plan for stabbing this person in the back eventually, just as soon as I get one more turn of collecting some influence and OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU MARCHING ON ME FOR, THAT GUY OVER THERE IS CLEARLY IN THE LEAD AND NOOOOOOOO! THAT'S MY HOME YOU MARTELL BASTARDS!!

Shiny, shiny crowns get me every time.
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13. Board Game: Star Wars: X-Wing Miniatures Game [Average Rating:7.83 Overall Rank:60] [Average Rating:7.83 Unranked]
TL Gorski
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"Ok he's going that way so then I need to go this way. But wait he knows that I know that he needs to go that way so he's definitely going to go this way then so that means I need to go that way"

Reveal

Crap

Or

"Ok I've got four attack die this turn and he has only one defense die prepare to die Rebel Scum!"

Roll

Four blanks shake
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14. Board Game: Kemet [Average Rating:7.76 Overall Rank:77]
Craig Walker
New Zealand
Tauranga
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4 player game...

No, 3 players and 1 spectator who happens to have pieces.

I really don't think I want to play again.
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15. Board Game: Formula Motor Racing [Average Rating:6.39 Overall Rank:1936]
Craig Walker
New Zealand
Tauranga
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What could go wrong with two cars and three races?

Here, have a crash card, oh that's one car out.

What does this card do? Right so the car in position x crashes and one of the cars either side of it crashes too. What do you mean you don't want to take out both of yours? So one of yours and my last car. Alright, still two races left.

Second race...
You're joking, one car crashes out and takes the one in front or behind with it. Both mine. Wow, what are the odds?

Third race...
This is getting silly, another out of the race card! At least I'll beat the neutral team... Oh, I didn't.

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16. Board Game: Saint Petersburg [Average Rating:7.32 Overall Rank:229]
Geoff King
United States
Annandale
Virginia
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I don't know what it is about this game.

I have a dozen plays of St. Pete and I'm still clueless.
I (mostly) know the rules. I know what I'm supposed to be doing on my turn.
Yet I still have no idea how to win or even come up with any kind of strategy. I try to avoid this, but if I get talked into playing again I'll just try not to go broke, and come in better than last place.
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17. Board Game: Electric Football [Average Rating:4.70 Overall Rank:15110]
Joseph Rody
United States
Florida
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This list mentions games that you suck at. In this case, if I merely sucked, that would be a ten-fold improvement over my current ability. In fact, I look forward to the day where I merely suck at this.

My players run in circles or stand still or fall down. They just don't do the things I need them to do. Sure... I've tried tweaking (modifying the bases). I've read manuals. I've watched good coaches and I pay attention.... and I still can't play well enough to say I at least suck.

Perhaps I am just behind the times. Today's electric football involves technology and skill. Real coaches have player models that are masterpieces. They make military miniatures envious. My players looks like something a child made in crayon and I posted it on my refrigerator to show how proud I was of their first art work.

Most of all...real coaches have modernized the game. The only thing I did was name my team the Possums... because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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18. Board Game: Galaxy Trucker [Average Rating:7.46 Overall Rank:128]
Chad Ackerman
United States
Fairless Hills
Pennsylvania
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Generally any quick thinking, or frantic fast-paced dexterity games are my bane. My ships always turn out horribly, terribly, inconceivably, borderline mentally handicapped bad. I seriously question my intelligence after playing this game. I wonder how much better my life could be if that part of my brain actually worked properly.

The ship-building phase of the game goes something like this for me:
Flip tile - Doesn't fit.
Flip tile - It fits, but it doesn't "feel" right there.
Flip tile - It fits there, or there, or maybe here. Should I place it there, maybe?

Do any of the other face-up tiles left in the pool fit well after that? Ooh, that one could. Doh! Pat just took it. What's that? Time is almost up??! So I frantically flip and place tiles where they could possibly go. Times up! Wait.. This piece and that piece don't fit! There goes half my already poorly built ship. Now I only have green boosters and lasers with 1 battery... And zero cargo holds!


NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!........
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19. Board Game: Alien Frontiers [Average Rating:7.47 Overall Rank:159]
John Heynes
South Africa
Cape Town
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I have played this six times and have lost every time. I think I get too caught up in buying cards and then the game is over before I even have half my colonies on the board. There are many other games I am terrible at, AF was just the first one I thought of.
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20. Board Game: Terra Mystica [Average Rating:8.24 Overall Rank:8]
Kris Wiggins
United States
Kingwood
Texas
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I'm a chronic loser, but this particular loss sums it all up.

I played my first TM game solo so I could get the rules down. I played Nomads and Witches per the "first game" instructions. I always play yellow, so I was rooting for and really trying with the Nomads while actually playing both.

4 or so rounds in, the Witches were winning. Of course. I was beating myself! Determined that I wasn't going to continue my losing streak and lose so embarrassingly, even to myself, I started cheering for the Witches and tried harder with them.

Nomads caught up and won by like twice as many points. blush
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