If Candy Land was designed by ...
Juan Medina
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Cedar Park
Texas
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A very much tongue in cheek list of what would happen if the blandest kids game was actually designed by a well known designer. Just for laughs, nothing serious about it.

Inspired by Disappointed But Not Giving Up Yet and some of comments about Candy Land
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1. Board Game Designer: Martin Wallace
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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The game would be a heavy candy factory economic game, possibly in a colorful British province. You will not only have to produce the different types of candy, but also figure out transportation, wrapper production, health permits and advertising. The price of candy will fluctuate according to something very deep, such as calorie content based on the quality of the sugar production in the country of origin, which is a big title for "roll the die and adjust the value". Two weeks after its publishing, someone will figure out the "Bonbon rush" strategy and people will have endless discussions about why this would never happen if the Taffy prices are kept in check while the wrapper material switches from paper to plastic.
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2. Board Game Designer: Martin Wallace
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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Take Two: Discworld Candyland

This is actually not about eatable candy, but a new type of troll that is made out of Sweet rock and is trying to prosper on some obscure area of Discworld. Card play will be at the core of things, and the game will feature antagonist pretzels that never will look like pretzels, even though it is due to a somewhat obscure reference that even Discworld fans don't really know. The game will be thoroughly enjoyable, but as in Halloween, you will not know who won until you count the candy each player has on their bags. The deluxe edition will have numbered candy-like resin trolls, will be signed by the designer and will be prominently auctioned for crazy prices on the BGG marketplace.
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3. Board Game Designer: Uwe Rosenberg
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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You will select actions with your candy maker, who must be sure to produce every possible type of candy, chocolate bar, sweet drink, candy tool, cake and cookie available in the game or fall in utter disgrace. Every turn you must get a dentist appointment and a full cleaning or else loose a tooth, which will convert to three negative points in the end. To booth, your kitchen and candy store must be fully updated and filled up to the brim or you would also lose prestige. Candy will somehow develop reproductive abilities, and will "grow" if left alone and uneaten.
People will have very divisive arguments about how to interpret the "Red Stripe Injector" card when combined with the "Master Mixer" role on the 12th turn if the space on the sugar rack is filled up. Artwork by Klemenz Franz.

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4. Board Game Designer: Sid Sackson
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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This would be a no-frills, simple rules interaction game where people trade candy of different types, real time, and take over others by claiming sets of such candy at the right times during the game. The candy you get will be totally random, but somehow it will still make sense to hoard it and negotiate with it later on. The game will be a classic despite the fact tons of others have done the same in "better" ways, but never managed to capture the simplicity and elegance of the game. Everyone will want the version with the colored plastic candy that looks good enough to trick little children and unwary adults to try and chew, while purists will prefer the original version with the wooden blocks that only had words like "Bonbon" and "Taffy".
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5. Board Game Designer: Kevin Wilson
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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This will be a no holds barred fight for the right to rule Candyland, where Lollipops armed to the teeth with Pez dispensers will conquer over territories named "Sugarland" and "Nerds Domain". The game will actually be a rework of a very boring war game whose designer wisely decided to get the game properly developed into something marketable to the 6-12 year old demographic. Production will be lavish, with lots of plastic miniatures, great map and a rule book that would be hard to read but contains all you need. People will still love the original coffin sized box that had full size Gingerbread men instead of Lollipops, but will eventually admit that the newer streamlined version is better.
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6. Board Game Designer: Wolfgang Kramer
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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This brain burner will have you transport different types of candy which move at different paces and with different rules through a semi-obscure path that must be defined by the combination of your actions with those of your opponents. Different types of candy will give you different action values, and you must try and use them all which will take you a while to figure each turn. Successfully moving your candy will score you points, which you can decide to lose to perform special actions, such as transform your candy into a better version of itself. In other words, a lot of actions.
There will be a variant included in the rules, where you conduct an auction each turn to decide the type of candy you will get that turn. You will pay for the auction in victory points.
The game will go to win some form of Spiel des Jahres prize. The codesigner will be Michael Kiesling.
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7. Board Game Designer: Reiner Knizia
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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This will be the seventh or eight time the main mechanism has been used with a different theme, but this time there will be a twist. Where in the original incarnation people were playing with different types of machinery screws that would have costs associated to the amount of thread counts per centimeter, this one will combine the count of threads in the candy and each color will have a different value multiplier based on a classic Fibonnaci series as opposed to the original which followed a natural logarithm scale. The game will be published in a small format and be super accessible, and will go to be an obscure game whose copies go for a high value since they were the epitome of the "thread trilogy", which actually has now been extended to include five games.
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8. Board Game Designer: Antoine Bauza
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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The game will be around the Hansel and Gretel story, where you are actually one of the witches trying to trick kids into eating your house. Through clever use of game mechanics, you will complete your house by stages and hope that you time things right so the chocolate loving kids hit your street at the time you are going through the chocolate house phase. The game play will be evocative, and in the end your heart will warm and you will change your ways, deciding not to eat Hansel and Gretel, but instead teaching them to create magnificent candy (none of which will be on the game, but will certainly go in the manual). The beautiful art will be done by Pierô.
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9. Board Game Designer: Richard Borg
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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This will be a Command and Colors where armies of Soft Candy will battle with armies of Hard Candy using the well known system of C&C. As usual, people will find this super accessible but will rant how they lost the battle of "Tommy's birthday favors" due to a lack of "Blue colored candy" cards.
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10. Board Game Designer: Richard Launius
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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This epic game which managed to grab the Ghostbusters license will introduce you in to the hell created by Gozer the Gozerian, where he comes back after figuring out that people can be tricked into providing him forms as long as they are candy. It will progress with the players trying to find out which form will Gozer pick. Will he be the stingy Lemon Lollipop? The impossibly hard to defeat Jaw Breaker? Or the classic incarnation of Marshmallow Man? Only way to know will be to grab one of the 22 classic Ghostbuster characters and go on a candy tasting spree through the boroughs of Arkham ... err New York while keeping your sugar levels in check or risk a sugar rush episode which will cause you to lose.
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11. Board Game Designer: Stefan Feld
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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Sporting no less than 27 different ways to turn candy into victory points, this game set up in renaissance France during the candy bloom will have you participate in auctions to get your supplies, then play your workers in the different production areas, while coordinating the distribution of the candy through Europe using one of 12 different game mechanisms, where the main one forces you to time your decisions as if you were actually making candy through a clever and obscure timer that synchronizes your gameplay with that of a real candy-maker. People will rave about the complex interactions of the rules and the smart design, though few will admit they really don't understand why it all works when put together. This will go straight into the Alea big box collection and become an instant classic.
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12. Board Game Designer: Friedemann Friese
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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This will actually be a Powergrid expansion, where candy will be used as a fuel for people powered plants. A full new deck will be added as well as the Süßigkeitsland map expansion, of course. Powergrid buffs will publicly decry the expansion for its light theme, while privately playing it since it adds yet more life to their favorite game. The candy will be primarily green, and will look suspiciously like radioactive material rods.
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13. Board Game Designer: Steve Jackson (I)
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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A new incarnation of Munchkin based on the original idea of roll and move Candyland, where you get a lot of take that cards that help you or hinder your opponents so the game lasts a lot. Geek references will abound and cause a lot of laughter (for a while). Pretty much like Run for your Life, Candyman!, but with Munchkin, so it is different. Fans of the game will buy extra copies, and it will sell millions. Newer versions will come with exclusive candy that contains Munchkin jokes on the wrapper.
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14. Board Game Designer: Alan R. Moon
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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A Halloween game where you must compete with other players as a parent driving a troop of kids to get to the specific houses on the neighborhood while emptying all the available candy on the way so that no-one else will be able to go through the same route. It will look exactly like Ticket to Ride, but you will use the Halloween themed train expansion and Alvin and Dexter as the bullies that don't allow you to get to particular houses.
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15. Board Game Designer: Carl Chudyk
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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This amazingly clever card game will feature card colors and design that look like actual candy, if it was made of fluorescent material. The yellows, greens, pinks, reds and whites will combine into a perfect cacophony of tones that will allow you to recognize a player hand from the other side of the room. Gameplay will be wonky but you will get the hang of it after three or twenty plays. The game will always cause contrary feelings. To some the art will be garish, to others a thing of beauty. To some, the gameplay will be sublime, to others utter chaos.
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16. Board Game Designer: Klaus Teuber
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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In this completely renewed version of his line, the "Settlers of Candyland" will replace the traditional goods with marshmallows, licorice, gum drops and jelly beans. The robber will be replaced by a bully. Totally different than any other Settlers out there.
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17. Board Game Designer: Klaus-Jürgen Wrede
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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The newest installment on the Carcassonne line will feature real gummy meeples, which you must eat in order to score your points. Full expansions based in different gummy flavors will be available. A expansion for the catapult will be added where you triple your points if you can eat a meeple fired at you by an opponent.
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18. Board Game Designer: James Ernest
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United States
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♒♒♒♒♎♒♒♒♒ sloooowly sinking
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Oreoland*

Black and white deliciousness.






*oreos not included
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19. Board Game Publisher: Parker Brothers
Donald Dimitroff
United States
Beltsville
Maryland
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Right now I am feeling very: turbed, pirited, heveled, combobulated, and not tinguished, so don't you dare "dis" me!
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Players would travel along the board creating monopolies of each type of candy, indicated by placing small candy shops, and then later replacing them with large candy factories. Game play will take hours, as players repeatedly traverse the board until only one player remains.
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20. Board Game Designer: Bruno Faidutti
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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Each player will have a secret identity about the type of candy they like, and candy of each type will be in the middle of the table. You must find out the identity of all others so you can figure out which candy to take. However, people can switch candy taste over time, the candy will turn into vegetables and the cards will actually only work based on the quantum state of a particle that may or may not actually exist. However, you can always try the candy and see what happens.
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21. Board Game Designer: Thomas Lehmann
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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TimJim times:

You will get a dual color box with a dual color square chit punch board which represents the 234 different types of candy that you have to manage as a clerk at the candy patent office. You will also be provided with a map of the city where the candy will be collected, and you will proceed to place all 234 pieces in a specific order. Once you have done that, you will use the handy spreadsheet page that has 42 positions for your different candy chits, and keep track of your progress in the collection and classification of the candy. After your first movement, you will spend a good hour perusing through the manual trying to find out a particular rule about how to position the candy the first day of winter. Repeating this process a few times you start to figure out the rules make more sense when you read them from the board than from the manual, and a BGG FAQ is a must to collect the last piece of Licorice.
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22. Board Game Designer: Thomas Lehmann
Juan Medina
United States
Cedar Park
Texas
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Post TimJim:

"Sugar Rush for the Galaxy" will feature simultaneous candy picking, and amazing card play combinations, all based in this visual representation of the different types of candy, their origin and best pairings using wonderful iconography. People will be squarely divided into the group of those that can deal with icons and those that can't make out three different shapes of squares. A expansion featuring an entire new "Bubblegum" story and mechanics arc will be promised, but will remain in production for quite a long time before actually happening.
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23. Board Game Designer: Leo Colovini
The root of all evil ...but you can call me cookie.
United States
Gainesville
FL
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Each player will score points for exactly two of the six different candy types. All players are secretly assigned one candy type that they are directly responsible for. At the onset of the game the six candy types will also be secrety paired as scoring together. but as no one know who is playing which candy type therefore they have no idea who their "partner" is unless they manage to deduce who is playing which candy type. To further convolute the situation on a players turn they must advance exactly 3 different candy types in value thus they know the one they are scoring for hope to score their "partner" type and use the third to throw everyone else off the what their secret type actually is.
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24. Board Game Designer: Steve Finn
The root of all evil ...but you can call me cookie.
United States
Gainesville
FL
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The game will be based around designing the official "Encyclopedia of Candies" in which players are competing to design the best set of books. Very little of the game will have anything at all to do with the candies themselves but focuses rather on the binding, cover textures, recipe content and paper weight. At the start of the game all these categories will be equal but as the game progresses the value of each can change and become more or less important.
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25. Board Game Designer: Nate Hayden
The root of all evil ...but you can call me cookie.
United States
Gainesville
FL
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A game about "selling candy" on the street corners of inner city Detroit in the wake of the Lee Iacocca era when lay offs were rampant and population was turning to various means to pay bills in their households. Players will have to balance giving out a "first taste" for free with the hunger of their customers and dwindling supply. Should players simply continue to buy and sell through their own small circles or should they begin to manufacture and branch out selling on new blocks known previously as "enemy territory." Exactly 37 handmade copies will be sold at Essen.
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