Bad Metaphor reviews
James
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We've all heard "this game is like organizing a spreadsheet" or "so boring it's like watching paint dry", but those are old and busted. This geeklist right here is the new hotness - I'm a dude who loves bad metaphors, cheesy dad jokes, and imperfect analogies, so let's rock.

This list in intended to be tongue-in-cheek but yeah I do think some of these games are outright awful...
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1. Board Game: Mage Knight Board Game [Average Rating:8.13 Overall Rank:17]
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The game that keeps inspiring me to think of new metaphors, due to how hard I bounced off the hours-long fiddly mess of a puzzle.


I can't pick one, so, Mage Knight feels like...

• doing my taxes by hand without turbotax, but with more XXXX-YY government forms to dig through. After you spend an hour doing your taxes, you find out you're getting $1.23 in refund. Totally worth that time investment.
• organizing a stamp collection, with stamps sorted by the number of perforation dots around the perimeter
• extreme couponing: the board game


Another amazing metaphor (from http://www.quartertothree.com/fp/2017/02/14/10-reasons-mage-...): Mage Knight is a bucket into which numbers are dumped.
 
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2. Board Game: Flick 'em Up! [Average Rating:7.10 Overall Rank:519]
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Like playing a schoolyard game of marbles with that kid who constantly tried to find reasons you weren't doing it right so they could say they won and keep your marbles.
 
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3. Board Game: Unlock! The Elite [Average Rating:7.03 Overall Rank:2441]
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A series of games where a lot of work was put into the designer trying to make sure you realize how clever he is, and how stupid you are.


(This is contrast to many other escape rooms that seem to bend over backwards to try to make YOU feel clever.)
 
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4. Board Game: Power Grid: The Robots [Average Rating:7.16 Unranked] [Average Rating:7.16 Unranked]
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The Stonehenge of board game expansions - huge blocks where they COULD have easily written "hey this is what this is for" on all the blank space they have, but instead they make you work to figure out the mystery.
 
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5. Board Game: Onirim [Average Rating:6.71 Overall Rank:934]
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Like those rote memorization flash cards you used in school, but instead of learning things in between each frequent shuffle of the stack of cards, you forget things - like how to enjoy the taste of food or the feeling of sunshine on your face.
 
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6. Board Game: The Castles of Burgundy [Average Rating:8.12 Overall Rank:11]
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Sugar-free breakfast cereal: the game.


As in, so bland that I'd rather eat the box.
 
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7. Board Game: Gloomhaven [Average Rating:9.02 Overall Rank:1]
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The two hundred dollar, fifty pound trick-taking game. All your interesting decisions are at the beginning of the game and then you get to let your hand play you for the last few rounds.
 
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8. Board Game: One Night Ultimate Werewolf [Average Rating:7.28 Overall Rank:264] [Average Rating:7.28 Unranked]
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A hearing test in a box.

"You bumped the table, so you must be the troublemaker..."

"I definitely heard your card get picked up..."

"No, that was the dog farting."
 
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9. Board Game: Eldritch Horror [Average Rating:7.92 Overall Rank:46]
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Spooky Uno: Dominated by randomness and with "skip a turn" and "haha undo everything you did for the first half of the game" cards.
 
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