Red Dwarf Quotes
Brian Moore
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Bolton
Lancashire
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I thought I'd put together a list of quotes from the TV Series and see if I could find an appropriate game to match. I chose Red Dwarf as in at least 2 episodes boardgames are mentioned - can't think of a better way to pass the time on a long space flight than playing games!
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1. Board Game: Fiji [Average Rating:5.86 Overall Rank:4672]
Brian Moore
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Series 1: The End
Lister: Since always. That's why I never buy any soaps or deodorants or socks or anything like that. Anyway, I'm going to buy myself a little farm on Fiji, and I'm going to have a sheep and a cow and breed horses...
Rimmer: [slightly incredulous] [Beat] With a sheep and a cow?
Lister: No, with horses and horses.
Rimmer: On Fiji.
Lister: Yeah. The prices there are unbelievable.
Rimmer: That's because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji is 3 feet below sea level.
Lister: It's only 3 feet, they can wade. That's why the animals are going to have to be quite tall.
Rimmer: Great plan Lister, excellent plan Lister, brilliant plan Lister. What about the sheep? What are you going to do, buy them water wings? Fit them with stilts? Or better yet, you could cross breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton. [Moving his pen up and down] Baa! [makes a splash noise] Baa! [splash noise]
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2. Board Game: Dead & Alive [Average Rating:5.64 Unranked]
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Series 1: The End
Lister: Where is everybody, Hol?
Holly: They're dead, Dave.
Lister: Who is?
Holly: Everybody, Dave.
Lister: What, Captain Hollister?
Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: What, Todhunter?
Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: What, Selby?
Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: Petersen isn't, is he?
Holly: Everybody is dead, Dave.
Lister: Not Chen?
Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes! Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: Rimmer?
Holly: He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!
Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
Holly: [Beat] I should've never let him out in the first place...
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3. Board Game: IQ [Average Rating:3.40 Unranked]
Brian Moore
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Series 1: Future Echoes
Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.
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4. Board Game: Fresh Fish [Average Rating:6.66 Overall Rank:1996]
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Series 1: Balance of Power
Vending Machine: Hello. How can I help you?
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: [counts fish] Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: I will.

Later...

Cat: Ohhh! I'm gonna die! I've been fished to death!
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5. Board Game: R-Eco [Average Rating:6.64 Overall Rank:1409]
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Series 1: Waiting for God

[Rimmer has just realised the "alien pod" he found is a garbage pod from Red Dwarf]:
Rimmer: [theme music] [pause] It's a garbage pod! [music cont] [pause] It's a smegging garbage pod! [music cont]
 
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6. Board Game: Pandemic [Average Rating:7.66 Overall Rank:73]
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Series 1: Confidence and Paranoia

Paranoia: I bet you've got a terminal disease, always happens to people who least expect it, don't you find that?
 
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7. Board Game: Zooloretto [Average Rating:6.86 Overall Rank:606] [Average Rating:6.86 Unranked]
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Series 1: Me2

Rimmer: Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.
Lister: Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?
Rimmer: Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.
Lister: Like what?
Rimmer: Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.
Lister: I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.
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8. Board Game: Skeletons in the Closet [Average Rating:3.75 Unranked]
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Series 2: Kryten

Kryten: Well, is anything the matter?
Rimmer: [Deadpan] Anything the matter?? They're dead.
Kryten: Who's dead?
Rimmer, pointing at three skeletons: They are dead. They're all dead.
Kryten: My God!... I was only away two minutes!
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9. Board Game: Tax Evasion [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
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Series 2: Better Than Life

Lister: Smeg! Outland Revenue!
Rimmer: *excited* oh oh oh oh! Outland Revenue!
Lister: 8500!
Rimmer: 8500? That's a lot of tax isn't it Listy. How on Titan are you going to pay for that?
Lister: I'm not...it's yours
Rimmer: *shock* What! This is wrong this is dead wrong!
Lister: Relax, it doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?
Rimmer: What, just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.
(Outland Revenue always collects its taxes)
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10. Board Game: Silly Sandwich [Average Rating:8.00 Unranked]
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Series 2: Thanks for the Memory

Rimmer: I want a fried egg sandwich...
Lister: With chilli sauce and chutney!
Holly: You what?
Lister: It's a state-of-the-art sarnie!
Holly: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.

Later..

Rimmer: It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.
Lister: It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves.
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11. Board Game: Time Agent [Average Rating:6.68 Overall Rank:3891]
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Series 2; Stasis Leak

Cat (to Rimmer): What is it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat (to Lister): What is it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat (to Rimmer): What is it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat (to Lister): What is it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
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12. Board Game: Galaxy Trucker [Average Rating:7.46 Overall Rank:127]
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Series 2: Queeg

Holly: What's happening then, dudes?
Lister: Bog all.
Holly: Hey up, I've forgotten what I was going to say, now.
Rimmer: Can't have been that important then can it?
(a loud bang is heard, everyone is thrown violently across the room)
Holly: Oh, that's right. Look Out, A meteor's about to hit the ship.
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13. Board Game: The Game of Earth [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Brian Moore
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Series 2: Parallel Universe

Rimmer: The thought occurs that we haven't actually reached earth. The further thought occurs that we haven't budged a smegging inch.
Holly: No, we have. I just don't know where we are. There's no two ways about it, I flamingoed up!
Lister: What do you mean?
Holly: It's like a cock-up only much much bigger.

(Note: Image from Zooloretto)
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14. Board Game: Scoop [Average Rating:5.64 Overall Rank:11996]
Brian Moore
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Series 3: Backwards

Kryten, reading a newspaper printed backwards: Three brought to life in bank raid. A masked man with a sawn-off shotgun sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard in a South London bank tomorrow. The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept ten thousand pounds, which he demanded they place in the bank's vaults. The man, Michael Ellis, completed a 15-year prison sentence for the crime two years ago.
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15. Board Game: Black Hole [Average Rating:5.50 Overall Rank:12916]
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Series 3: Marooned

Holly: Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?
Rimmer: But five of them? Five massively collapsed stars, millions of miles across. How could you miss them?
Holly: It's typical, isn't it? You wait three million years with nothing, then five come along all at once.
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16. Board Game: Alien Encounter [Average Rating:3.20 Unranked]
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Series 3: Polymorph

Rimmer(After he loses his anger to the polymorph): Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table and put together a solution package - perhaps over tea and biscuits.

Later: Erm, I think we're losing sight of the real issue here, which is 'What are we gonna call ourselves?' Erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between 'The League Against Salivating Monsters' or my own personal preference, which is 'The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society'. Erm, one drawback with that - the abbreviation is 'CLITORIS'.

Later: The time for talking is over. Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard, and we hit it fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.
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17. Board Game: Scrabble [Average Rating:6.29 Overall Rank:1504]
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Series 3: Bodyswap

[Cat and Lister are playing Scrabble.]
Cat: Hey hey hey, I've got you now, buddy! J, O, Z, X, Y, Q, K!
Lister: That's not a word.
Cat: It's a Cat word.
Lister: Jozxyqk?
Cat: That's not how you pronounce it!
Lister: What does it mean?
Cat: It's the sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.
Lister: Is it in the dictionary?
Cat: Well it could be, if you're reading in the nude and close the book too quick. Jozxyqk!!!
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18. Board Game: The Beer Game [Average Rating:4.92 Unranked]
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Series 3: Timeslides

Kryten: Pub, ah yes. A meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
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19. Board Game: Toy Story 2 Cone Crossing Game [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Brian Moore
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Series 3: The Last Day

(After a night of heavy drinking)
Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space. Could someone explain to me, where the smeg I got this traffic cone!
Cat: Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone. It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!
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20. Board Game: Red Dwarf: The Card Game [Average Rating:4.00 Unranked]
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Series 4: Camille

Kryten: Sir, you're a smeeee.
Rimmer: A smee?
Kryten: A smeeeeee heeeeee.
Rimmer: A smeee heee?
Kryten: A complete and total one.
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21. Board Game: Hard Vacuum [Average Rating:7.29 Overall Rank:5117]
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Series 4: DNA

Lister: Kryten, no vacuum cleaner should be giving a human being a double polaroid!
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22. Board Game: Rough Justice [Average Rating:5.89 Overall Rank:11874]
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Series 4: Justice

Kryten: I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man (Points at Rimmer) ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity...
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: A man of such awsome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel.
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23. Board Game: Laserburn [Average Rating:6.77 Unranked]
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Series 4: White Hole

[The characters are talking about how to go back to the bridge through closed doors.]
Cat: I've got it. We laser our way through.
Kryten: An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don't have a power source for lasers and two, we don't have any lasers.
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24. Board Game: Dimensions [Average Rating:6.50 Unranked]
 
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Series 4: Dimension Jump

[This line is repeated.]
Ace: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
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25. Board Game: Risk [Average Rating:5.58 Overall Rank:14511]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Series 4: Meltdown

Rimmer: It was at 2:30 a.m. and I was beginning to wish I had never come to cadet training school. To the south lay water. There was no way we could cross that. To the east and west lay two armies, catching us in a pincer movement. The only way was north. I had to go for it and pray the gods were smiling on me. I picked up the dice and threw two sixes.
Cat: Man, this guy could bore for his country (referring to Rimmer's constant talking about Risk)
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