Your favorite Joke
Ben Lott
United States
Mason
Michigan
Being a Lions fan is a gift...
...and a curse.
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It's as simple as that.
Please share your favorite Joke, One-Liner, Anecdote, etc.
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Ben Lott
United States
Mason
Michigan
Being a Lions fan is a gift...
...and a curse.
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Danny was a good kid. He tried hard in school, but he just kept failing in his math classes. So Danny's parents decided that they needed to find a private school that had a better math program.
After weeks of research they found that the best school in their area for mathematics was a Catholic school down the road. This worried them slightly because they had raised Danny in an atheist household and were always careful not to allow any religious influences to cloud his mind. But eventually they decided it was their best option and they would deal with the religious questions at home.
After the first day of school Danny came home and raced straight to his room and began studying immediately. He even had his mother bring dinner up to him. The next day was the same, and it continued on for weeks. Danny's parents weren't sure whether to be concerned or proud of Danny's apparent devotion to his studies.
Before long the first term was up and Danny brought home his report card. His parents were thoroughly pleased to see that Danny had gotten his usual good grades and an A+ in his math class. Amazed his mother couldn't resist asking what had happened.
"Danny, what got into you? Why did you study so hard? How did this happen?"
Danny looked seriously back at his mother and said "Well, Mom, when I walked into that school and I saw that they had nailed that guy to a plus sign, I knew they were serious about math in that school!"
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2.
Board Game: Bird Fun
[Average Rating:4.00 Unranked]
Ben Lott
United States
Mason
Michigan
Being a Lions fan is a gift...
...and a curse.
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My favorite joke when I was a kid...
What do you get when you run over a bird with a lawn mower?
Spoiler (click to reveal) Shredded Tweet
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Chris Ferejohn
United States
Mountain View
California
Pitying fools as hard as I can...
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What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Spoiler (click to reveal) The holocaust.
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4.
Board Game: Quao
[Average Rating:5.12 Overall Rank:14746]
T. Nomad
Netherlands
Den Bosch
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interrupting cow wh-
MOO!
I tell this to every store clerk I meet.
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David Kahnt
United States
Youngstown
Ohio
It's fun, it's healthy, it's good exercise. The kids will just love it. And we put a little sand inside to make the experience more pleasant.
You know, they say there was a man who jumped from the forty-FIFTH floor? But that's another story...
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"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Completely uncalled for."
"Completely uncalled for who."
*Smack* right across the head of the person.
Thanks Barats and Beretta!
-DK
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Steffan O'Sullivan
United States
Plymouth
NH
"To be honorable and just is our only defense against men without honor or justice." -Diogenes of Sinope
"Today is the yesterday you won't be able to remember tomorrow" -Pinkwater
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In the 1790s, the French were fighting in Italy. Knowing that a battle was coming that day, the Italian commander brought his aide de camp with him to scout out the French camp. The aide had a spyglass.
"What do you see, Luigi?" asked the commander.
"Ah, the French commander is rousing his troops. Looks like a very stirring speech."
"Well, I can do that, too. What's he doing now?"
"Oh, general, I've heard of this. He's calling for his red cloak."
"Red cloak? What's so special about his red cloak, Luigi?" asked the general.
"He makes a big show of wearing it so that if he's wounded, the blood won't show and his troops won't be disheartened."
"Ah, two can play at that game, Luigi. Get me my brown pants."
...
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7.
Board Game: Clown
[Average Rating:4.33 Unranked]
Ken Dean
United States
Athens
Ohio
Amish Tech Support
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Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Spoiler (click to reveal) Because they taste funny. 
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Curt Collins
United States
Pittsburgh
Pennsylvania
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A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices that he has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The pirate pays it no mind however, and promptly sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender ends up striking up a conversation with the pirate and eventually he asks the pirate "Why do you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"
To which the pirate replied "Yarrr, it's driving me nuts."
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Ken Dean
United States
Athens
Ohio
Amish Tech Support
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How many Freudian Analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Spoiler (click to reveal) Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis ladder.
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10.
Board Game: Dwarves
[Average Rating:6.50 Unranked]
Curt Collins
United States
Pittsburgh
Pennsylvania
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A man is driving home one day and runs into the back of another car at a stoplight. He gets out of the car to look at the damage and sees that the driver of the other car is a dwarf. The dwarf gets out and walks over to him, then says in a stern voice "I am NOT happy...". The man replied "well... which one are you?"
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Curt Collins
United States
Pittsburgh
Pennsylvania
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Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.
His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"
Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my butt!"
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Billy McBoatface
United States
Lexington
Massachusetts
KGS is the #1 web site for playing go over the internet. Visit now!
Yes, I really am that awesome.
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One day the Agricola farmer was working on his farm when a car pulled up. Out stepped a young kid, an obvious city slicker.
Kid: "Farmer, I'm from the city, and I've never been to the country before. It's so cool! I saw your cows in the field over the hill, can I try to milk them? I've never milked cows before!"
Farmer: "Son, those are bulls. You don't milk bulls."
Kid: "Oh, come on! I'll let you keep the milk! Please?"
After a lot of arguing, the farmer finally decides to teach this irritating kid a lesson and hands him the bucket. "OK, here you go, go ahead and try to get milk from those bulls."
The kid runs over the hill. After a while, he comes back, with...a bucket of milk! The farmer is amazed! Then the kid says:
Kid: "You know, while I was milking your cows, I noticed that over by the fence there was some honeysuckle. Can I collect the honey?"
Farmer: "Son, you get honey from bees, not from weeds."
But again the kid argues and argues, so finally to shut him up the farmer gives the kid some mason jars. The kid runs of, and comes back later with...mason jars full of honey! Again the farmer is amazed! And now the kid says:
Kid: "You know, while I was getting the honey, I noticed that down by the lake there were some pussywillows..."
Farmer (interrupting): "Son, I'm coming with you."
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Jeff Wiles
United States
Macon
Georgia
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How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Spoiler (click to reveal) One
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A newlywed couple made their way up to the honeymoon suite.
They're getting ready for bed when the husband takes off his pants and throws them to his wife.
"Put these on honey" he says.
She replies " That's ridiculous. I cant wear these"
He says "Thats right. And now we know whose going to wear the pants in this family don't we".
She takes off her pants and throws then toward shim saying "Here , put these on then".
He looks at them and says "I'll never get into these"
She says " Thats' right honey ...not until there's an attitude adjustment" 
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Gabe Alvaro
United States
Berkeley
California
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My favorite (this week)
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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Laura Lawson
United States
Cincinnati
Ohio
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Two architects are sitting in a bar. One of the archtects describes his first job:
"It was for a new abbey. I was so nervous about doing a good job, and worked day and night checking to make sure everything was perfect. When I delivered the blueprints to the abbot, he told me, "These are men, not angels!" I looked again at my blueprints and realized that I had forgotten to include urinals!"
Two men nearby overheard the conversation. One asked the other,
"What are urinals?"
And the other replied, "How the hell should I know? I'm not Catholic!"
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17.
Board Game: Muffin
[Average Rating:5.25 Unranked]
Jon Y.
United States
Fredericksburg
Virginia
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So there's these two muffins in an oven, and one starts sweating and looks over at the other muffin and says, "Hey is it getting hot in here?"
And the other muffin says,
Spoiler (click to reveal) HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!
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18.
Board Game: Acronym
[Average Rating:6.67 Unranked]
Maarten D. de Jong
Netherlands
Zaandam
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There's three guys and a woman in a bar, each drinking quietly. At one point one of the guys turns to the others and loudly proclaims:
I'm a YUP! A Young Urban Professional!
The others cheer and empty their glasses. A short while later number two stands up and says:
I'm better: I'm a DINK! Double Income, No Kids!
Cheers all around. After a while the third guy gets up and blurts out:
I'm a RUB! A Rich Urban Biker! A RUB is even better!
Again everyone's suitably impressed. A new round is ordered, when the three guys suddenly realise that their fourth drinking partner is a woman. They turn to her and ask her whether she's something too.
Yep. I'm a WIFE.
The guys exchange glances, but none of them has heard this one before. A WIFE, they ask her, what's that? The woman drowns her Scotch before answering:
Yeah, a WIFE. You know. Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etcetera...
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Joe J.
United States
Colorado Springs
Colorado
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“I’ve been making a lot of Freudian slips lately,” a man says to his friend.
“Like what?” asks his buddy.
“Well, last week I asked the train conductor for two pickets to Tittsburgh.”
“I did something similar the other day,” says the friend. “My wife and I were having breakfast, and instead of saying, ‘Honey, please pass the butter,’ I said, ‘You bitch—you ruined my life!’”
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20.
Board Game: Dumbass!
[Average Rating:7.20 Unranked]
Maarten D. de Jong
Netherlands
Zaandam
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You need to adapt this joke before telling it: insert the appropriate countryname for those your fellow countrymen refer to as 'stupid'. Otherwise the joke isn't as good...
There's this guy from on holiday in Scotland (can be adapted too if you like) for the very first time in his life. He absolutely adores the sights, the people, the cuisine, and the culture. He's had a great vacation so far, and the only thing left for him to do is to take a memento home with him. After a while, he makes up his mind on what he would like best: a genuine sheep. So he goes looking for a flock of the animals and quite soon finds one. He's in luck, the herder is closeby. He explains that he's had a wonderful vacation in this country, and would like to have one sheep to take home with him, to treasure the memories.
Well, that's not very simple, the herder replies, as these animals do not belong to me. But, he quickly adds, as he sees the tourist's face become all disappointed, I'll make you a deal. If you can guess how many sheep are in my flock, I'll let you take an animal with you.
Great!, the tourist exclaims. He studies the sky and the ground for a bit, and then says
Seventy-two!
Dear lord, the herder exclaims, you've guessed the right number. Unbelievable. The herd isn't even assembled in full here. Well, a deal's a deal. Go find yourself a sheep.
The tourist walks into the flock, happy at the prospect of taking a sheep home with him. He looks at all the animals, strokes their wool, feeds some a little grass, and after a while picks up an animal, carrying it to the herder.
This one, he says proudly, I'd like to have this one.
Err..., the herder says, well, umm, how about another deal? If I can guess from which country you are, can I then have my sheepdog back?
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Maarten D. de Jong
Netherlands
Zaandam
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Limmericks should be dirty, but I cannot help but like the subtlety of the following one:
There was a young fellow named Mark
Who went to swim out in sea after dark
On these nocturnal trips
He observed several ships
Until he was observed by a shark.
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Tim Thorp
United States
Granite Falls
Washington
"Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Come on! I don't got all day! Come on! Come on! Come on you bastard! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? "
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A traveling salesman was lost in the middle of nowhere. After several hours of driving around past farmland as far as the eye could see, he realized he would need to use a bathroom, fast. Fortunately, the next farmhouse he saw had an old farmer sitting in a rocking chair on the porch. Stopping his car, he jumped out and said: "Excuse me sir, but might I be allowed to use your bathroom facilities? I've been driving all morning, and it's getting mighty uncomfortable."
The farmer looked at him, spat, and said: "Go around the back".
The salesman ran around the back, where an outhouse stood. Opening the door, he saw it was a 2 holer. Immediately, he stepped in, closed the door, dropped his drawers, and sat down. suddenly, the door opened, and the farmer stepped in. "'Scuse me, son." The farmer dropped his coveralls, and sat down. After a minute of uncomfortable silence, the farmer stood up. As he pulled up his coveralls, 2 quarters droppd out of his pocket and down the hole. "Damn", the farmer muttered. He took out his wallet, and dropped a 20 dollar bill down the hole. "The salesman was stunned. "Why did you do that?" he asked, incredulously. "Hell", the farmer said, "you don't think I'm going down there for a lousy 50 cents, do you?"
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Curt Collins
United States
Pittsburgh
Pennsylvania
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On night, a man walked into his bedroom with a sheep in his arms. He turns to his young wife, who is reading in bed and says "This is the fat ugly pig I $&%! when you have a head ache". His wife replied, "I think you will find thats a sheep". The young man replied "I think you will find I was talking to the sheep"
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24.
Board Game: Quarters
[Average Rating:5.17 Unranked]
Chris Bailey
United States
Broomfield
Colorado
GO ROCKIES!!!!!
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A man is sitting at a bar at about 11:30 completely smashed. He's been there ever since he got off of work at 5:00. He goes to burp and instead pukes all over the front of his shirt.
The bartender sees this and says "Oh man that's SICK! Get the hell out of my bar. You've had enough!"
The man slurrs "I can't go home like this! My wife will KILL me!"
A man down the bar overhears and comes over and says "No problem friend. Put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell your wife someone else threw up on your shirt and gave you $20.00 for the cleaning bill."
The drunk likes this idea and thanks the stranger and leaves. As he walks in the door his wife is waiting.
She says "Where the hell have you been? OH! GROSS! YOU MAKE ME SICK!"
The man says "Honey! It wasn't me! A drunk puked on me and gave me twenty bucks to clean my shirt!"
The woman looks in his pocket and sees TWO twenty dollar bills and says "Well how come you have two twenty dollar bills then??"
and the man says "The son of a bitch shit in my pants too!"
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Will
United States
Miami
Florida
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A man walks into a confessional and is about to speak when he is interrupted by Father Malloy. "I am sorry if this is an inconvenience, but would you mind stepping over to my side while I run to the bathroom?" The man quite taken aback says to the father, " I suppose, but I really have no idea how to conduct myself on your side of the window" Father Malloy replies by assuring the man that everything is written down on a list, and as long as he follows it there shouldn't be a problem. The man agrees and fills in for the father. After a few minutes another man steps in and speaks, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I got impulsive in the record shop the other night, and without my wallet let satan take control of my idle hands, and I stole a cd." The first man consults the list and finds the word theft and tells the confessor that he need perform four hail marys and three our fathers and all will be forgiven. The confessor thanks the first man and leaves. A few minutes go by and another man steps into the booth. He confesses that he has slept with another woman besides his wife. The first man again consults the list, finds adultery, and tells the confessor that he needs to say six hail marys and 5 our fathers. Finally, a third man steps into the booth and says, " Forgive me father, for i have sinned. I let the devil take hold of me and I was intimate with another man." The first man looks down the list for sodomy and comes up empty. He again looks for homosexuality and again nothing is on the list. The first man asks the confessor if he wouldn't mind being patient for a few moments. After the confessor agrees, the first man dashes out of the both and scans the church for Father Malloy. Father Malloy is no where to be seen, but the man notices an altar boy sweeping up between the pews. "Excuse me.", he says. " Do you know what Father Malloy gives for sodomy?" The boy looks up and says, " he gave me a snickers bar and a coke."
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