Dispelling the Myth of Geeks
Matthew McCloud
United States
Richmond
Kentucky
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There have been numerous myths and speculations about what makes a Geek. Many believe it's the dedication they have to a hobby. Some believe that it's the social disgraces that overcome them. While others believe it's the lack of sexual attention they receive. I'm here to debunk these lies. It is in fact of the above.

Instead of writing a report on the subject, I have used the Geek's own method of story telling: that of a Geeklist.

Every Geek that I've meet in my past years studying the elusive beasts has had all of these qualities. The quantities may be different, but this is a work of hard labor and based on fact. One must be careful when reading this. Everything must be read literally or you will not understand the context.

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1. Board Game: G.I. Joe Navy Frogman Game [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
 
Matthew McCloud
United States
Richmond
Kentucky
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Male

Anyone who plays a game is male. While a few of the female species play games, such as Monopoly and Life, it is games that require very little decision or conflict. Gaming attracts men because it represents the foundations of war and it's what men are designed to do. Women on the other hand receive no benefit from playing a game that doesn't involve sewing, cleaning, and cooking-in-the-kitchen-while-preggers-while-getting-me-a-ham-sandwich.

All Gamers are Male.

Confirmed.
 
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2. Board Game: Fat Chance [Average Rating:6.00 Unranked]
Matthew McCloud
United States
Richmond
Kentucky
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Overweight.

Geeks weigh at least 250 lbs. If they weigh any less, they have their geek cards revoked. Buckets of lard are consumed daily. Calorie intact is measured in kilo(kilo)-calories. Buffets usually go out of business when a Board Game Convention comes to town. The only way to stop a geek from eating is to play his favorite hobby. In fact, in popular research it has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Nerds play games to simulate eating.

Geeks refuse to go out and "exercise". Instead, they create a vast horde of games that they title "Dexterity Games". These games may be the only form of physical exertion that a Geek will do during the day. The really lazy nerds prefer video games, as it requires less time to put away the components.

Myth confirmed.

All Geeks are Overweight.
 
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3. Board Game: Washing Machine Game [Average Rating:4.67 Unranked]
Matthew McCloud
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Richmond
Kentucky
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Unwashed.

Greasy. Slimy. Disgusting. This terms are used often for Geeks. But how did this come to be?

In the beginning of human evolution, Geeks and Normal Human beings did not breed. They were in fact two different species entirely: Homo Erectus and Homo Geekus. The Homo Geekus was a primate that had an unnatural fear of water and alkaline solids.

The Erectus warred constantly with the vile, primarily male species. Many times in history, Homo Erectus did in fact slave the Homo Geekus while playing a longer life-sized game of Campaign for North Africa that they would refuse to put down.

Life is a funny thing. One specimen of the Homo Geekus, which we call at this time the "Aldie", was able to breed with a Homo Erectus. Many believe that the Aldie is the missing link in our records. Many believe him to be the Adam of the Homo Geekus. His counterpart, the Eve codenamed "Micheal Barnes", has vanished from all records.

As for the Campaign for North Africa, the game has yet to be finished.
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4. Board Game: The Dating Game [Average Rating:4.00 Unranked]
Matthew McCloud
United States
Richmond
Kentucky
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Single.

Geeks are single. Games simply take too much time. How can they juggle the responsibilities of a woman with that of a knowing the rules with the latest installment of Complex Platoon Commander Starter Kit #6? The answer is simple: they cannot.

Those geeks who are lucky in love find women who love them for their money and status. A woman cannot truly love a Geek. It is against their nature. Women do have a way of attracting wealthy geeks, with a tube-shaped apparatus called a "vagina". This elusive device once used on a geek will turn him into his loyal slave.

There is concern how Geeks reproduce. There has never been imperial evidence for any solid theory. One common theory is that Geeks reproduce through asexual reproduction. In recent years (discovered in 1999) some evidence has been discovered to uphold this idea.

The Geek Larva:



Notice how the Geek Larva is attempting to read a "Euro-style" game rulebook.
 
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5. Board Game: Advanced Third Reich [Average Rating:6.77 Overall Rank:2361]
Matthew McCloud
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Richmond
Kentucky
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Grammar Nazis.

The Geeks have not been directly involved in wars, but have picked up a trait that matches that of a oppressive society. Instead of suppressing actions and deeds, they instead suppress the words of others. It is certain that they received this skill while having their heads dunking in the toilets while in High School.

The Grammar Nazi use their Grammar Nazism to indicate one from another. The Geek populations great fear is that they will become too much like the norm.

While it is very important that all men speak properly, the Geek Grammar Nazi takes it one step further. If one is to speak like a Geek he must learn a certain sense of jargon that resembles the cult of Scientology. There are many that have stumbled me for awhile. "Ameritrash" is used by the Geek population to designate to mean 'to split apart'. We also have "Elegant" which means over simplification. And lastly we have the word surname of -eeple which is a term they give their higher ranking officals. I believe the Meeple is the current leader of the Geek hordes, with Sheeple taking a close second.

Grammer Nazi confirmed.
 
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6. Board Game: Children of Fire [Average Rating:5.71 Overall Rank:12135]
Matthew McCloud
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Kentucky
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Childish.

Board Games are for Children. They put Board Games in the children's section of the store.

It's simple: board games should be used for educational purposes only. Monopoly is to show children how to handle economics as well as a social commentary. Life is to show that everyone dies, even you. And mostly importantly, Candyland is to teach children to hate board gaming. Why else would they make this game?
 
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7. Board Game: Rainbow Woods [Average Rating:7.00 Unranked]
Matthew McCloud
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Straight.

While all Geeks are male, none shall pass the threshold into the loins of the same sex. It simply does not happen.
 
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8. Board Game: X-Men Trading Card Game [Average Rating:3.99 Overall Rank:15122]
Matthew McCloud
United States
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Kentucky
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Comic Book Stores.

Comic Book dealers are the habitat of many Geeks and by contract they must like comic books.

The reasoning is simple: Geeks hate themselves and the reality they live in. They refuse to admit that the world around them is in fact a glorious place to live. They must resort to stories that give them a sense of hope and glory. This is usually best displayed through comic books.

I also have evidence that Comic Book Shops predate the discovery of the Comic Book. Where else would Geeks live? This will need to looked further into.
 
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9. Board Game: The Suicide Bomber Card Game [Average Rating:5.23 Overall Rank:13950]
Matthew McCloud
United States
Richmond
Kentucky
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Suicidal.

Geeks love to kill themselves. They have no other reason to live except to play games and when they lose they go into fits. This may be the reason why Geeks have such a low populations in many areas.

Often times, these people are called "bad losers".
 
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10. Board Game: Pickin' Chickens [Average Rating:4.55 Unranked]
Matthew McCloud
United States
Richmond
Kentucky
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Nit Picky.

A Geek always picks things apart. This often comes down to a single rule within the game. The discussion always involved has two premises: one Geek thats the rule of intention, the other takes the rule of literal reading.

Geeks almost always nit pick about the slightest rules from an older edition to a newer edition. Always. No exception. A Geek will never like the changes, but will eventually either toss it aside or learn to deal with it.

One of the most important discussions between Geeks is that of wood or plastic. May believe that wood is the superior gaming piece because it gives an adult quality. How wrong can they be? They are still playing children's games! Others like plastic because of the toy factor. Sounds fair to me, considering they are childish anyways.

Geeks will always complain about the quality of the components. They are most concerned about the warping of boards. The thickness of card stock is a close second. I begin to question if the quality of the components or if the mechanics transforms a man from human into Geek.
 
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