The New, Improved, Totally-Offensive-and-I-Mean-It America-Haters' GeekList (Now With More Bile!)
Destiny's got her hand way, way up in their puppets! It's an unpleasant tingling! The deepest of wriggles!
United States
Wichita
Kansas
But my greatest power is this: When Destiny speaks, she speaks to me. She says hi, by the way.
Oh! And I've been killing the bees!
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Our beloved BGG has been rocked to its very foundations by three hate-filled GeekLists that targeted innocent countries for the terrible crime of happening to exist.
One list devolved into a spiraling deathmatch of insidious verbal barbs that exposed raw passions and wore thumbs down into useless nubs all over the globe. Another list was deleted by its creator. The third list was, well...short.
It's about time that BGG had a real haters GeekList, one for the ages, with enough venom to kill several largish animals (not cats, I like them)--cows, let's say, or perhaps hippos.
So in honor of the original screed, The America-Haters' GeekList, I bring you...
The New, Improved, Totally-Offensive-and-I-Mean-It America-Haters' GeekList (Now With More Bile!).
Okay, that was kind of anticlimactic, wasn't it? Since the title was probably the very first thing you read. So it's not like that caught you by surprise, large text notwithstanding.
But I didn't ask your opinion, did I? So just shut up and read.
Feel free to add your own ignorant, irrational comments. That's what we're here for. Hate on!
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Destiny's got her hand way, way up in their puppets! It's an unpleasant tingling! The deepest of wriggles!
United States
Wichita
Kansas
But my greatest power is this: When Destiny speaks, she speaks to me. She says hi, by the way.
Oh! And I've been killing the bees!
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Captain America (the never-permanently-deceased superhero)
Look, no offense to patriotic comic book geek types, but Captain America is a lame and embarrassing representative of a lame and embarrassing country. The suit is garish. And who carries a shield? What is this, the middle ages? And you've been around for how long and you're still just a captain? I hate to sound like your mom, but why aren't you a general yet, you slacker?
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2.
Board Game: Explorers
[Average Rating:6.17 Unranked]
Destiny's got her hand way, way up in their puppets! It's an unpleasant tingling! The deepest of wriggles!
United States
Wichita
Kansas
But my greatest power is this: When Destiny speaks, she speaks to me. She says hi, by the way.
Oh! And I've been killing the bees!
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Amerigo Vespucci (the reasonably famous explorer)
America is named after him, so he clearly needs a good reaming.
He demonstrated that the "New World" was larger than previously thought and invented a new technique for estimating longitude. But his writings were popular in Germany (suspicious!), and letters attributed to him suggested that he grossly exaggerated his exploits. Even though recent scholarship indicates that these may have been forgeries, it's clear that somebody lied.
So I say let's disparage Amerigo. He's the best sort of scapegoat: dead and unable to defend himself.
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Destiny's got her hand way, way up in their puppets! It's an unpleasant tingling! The deepest of wriggles!
United States
Wichita
Kansas
But my greatest power is this: When Destiny speaks, she speaks to me. She says hi, by the way.
Oh! And I've been killing the bees!
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America (the classic country music channel on XM Satellite Radio)
Classic country music--that backwoods litany of mangy dogs, broken-down trucks and missing teeth--makes sensible genitalia retreat into the body in fear. Can the world finally accept this evidence that America's heartland is the planet's most fetid and festering cesspool, a nightmare landscape of guns, militias, wife beaters and alcoholics?
It can't be good that this is being broadcast by magic beams from fancy space ships. On a network named America, no less. Country music: our second most terrifying export, just behind baseball and just ahead of beets. Need I say more?
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Destiny's got her hand way, way up in their puppets! It's an unpleasant tingling! The deepest of wriggles!
United States
Wichita
Kansas
But my greatest power is this: When Destiny speaks, she speaks to me. She says hi, by the way.
Oh! And I've been killing the bees!
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America (the ancient rock band)
Is there a rule against trying musicians for crimes against humanity? And if so, can we make an exception for this band of miscreants and its conspicuously offensive name?
Look, "A Horse With No Name" still doesn't make any sense, even after all these years, so don't tell me it's not about trying to find your way home after a recreational pharmaceutical bender in the desert. It's an apt metaphor for American youth, that ragged bunch of tripped-out, drug-addled feebs, pissing away their democratic inheritance while brave Canadians are building a shiny new utopia of boredom and cheap drugs. Not those kinds of drugs, you imbeciles.
You suck, America!
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Destiny's got her hand way, way up in their puppets! It's an unpleasant tingling! The deepest of wriggles!
United States
Wichita
Kansas
But my greatest power is this: When Destiny speaks, she speaks to me. She says hi, by the way.
Oh! And I've been killing the bees!
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América (the Brazilian soap opera)
Thanks to one of our stalwart Brazilian members, we already know to be suspicious of anything that comes from Brazil. Except for the dancing girls, of course.
But did you know that America was (and perhaps still is) the name of a Brazilian soap opera about illegal immigrants in the United States? No, of course you didn't. Because if you're an American, you're too arrogant and self-absorbed to bother checking what's on television in any of your major South American countries.
While we waded in the deep end of our complacency pool, Brazil aired the tender and touching stories of immigrants with heaving bosoms who struggle to make new lives for themselves as they lapse in and out of comas, contract amnesia and accidentally sleep with their long-lost identical twins who have finally escaped from the carnies who purchased them at birth from Mom's other, less responsible personality.
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6.
Board Game: Fokker
[Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Destiny's got her hand way, way up in their puppets! It's an unpleasant tingling! The deepest of wriggles!
United States
Wichita
Kansas
But my greatest power is this: When Destiny speaks, she speaks to me. She says hi, by the way.
Oh! And I've been killing the bees!
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The America (a Fokker monoplane, the third aircraft to successfully travel nonstop across the Atlantic)
The third??? LOSER!
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Destiny's got her hand way, way up in their puppets! It's an unpleasant tingling! The deepest of wriggles!
United States
Wichita
Kansas
But my greatest power is this: When Destiny speaks, she speaks to me. She says hi, by the way.
Oh! And I've been killing the bees!
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America Ferrera (the star of Ugly Betty)
Okay, I have nothing bad to say about America Ferrera. You are a fine and funny actress, and exactly the opposite of ugly. If I were a single guy and needed an excuse for why we had never known sweet love together, I'd have to go with something like "It just wasn't meant to be" instead of "My wife would gut me."
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