Why games aren't sports (according to George Carlin)
Jamie Beu
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Inspired by the list Remembering George Carlin (1937-2008) http://www.boardgamegeek.com/geeklist/32521 (may God have mercy on his soul and grant him peace), I made this list in remembrance of one of the first routines I'd ever heard him do.

For the full routine, see this:

"The only reason I mention football, baseball, and basketball is because, to my way of thinking, these 3 are the only real sports we have. Everything else is a game or an activity."




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1. Board Game: Hockey Night [Average Rating:3.12 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
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Orlando
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"Hockey is not a sport. Hockey is 3 activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the sh!t out of somebody.
...It's not played with a ball (these are my rules - I make 'em up) - it's played with a puck. The only other place you find a puck is in the urinal to control the smell in the bathroom. Any game where the main object is something that came out of a urinal is DEFINITELY not a sport."
 
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2. Board Game: Soccer [Average Rating:6.85 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
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"Soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms. Anything where you can't use your arms can't be a sport.

Tap dancing isn't a sport - I rest my case."
 
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3. Board Game: The Great Running Game [Average Rating:5.00 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
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"People think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport, because anybody can do it. I can run; you can run; my mother can run - you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?"

"People say, 'I'm gonna run down to the store and buy a loaf of bread.' FINE! It's not a &*%^ sport! I'mnotgonnapaytowatchyoubuyaf^&%ingloafofbread!"
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4. Board Game: Swimming with Sharks [Average Rating:7.00 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
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"Swimming isn't a sport - swimming is a way to keep from drowning! That's common sense!"
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5. Board Game: Let's Go Sailing [Average Rating:3.80 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
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"Sailing isn't a sport - sailing is a way to get somewhere.
Riding a bus isn't a sport; why the f^&% should sailing be a sport?"
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6. Board Game: Heavy Weight Boxing [Average Rating:5.50 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
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"Boxing isn't a sport - boxing is a way to beat the sh!# out of somebody. In that sense, boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. But beating the sh!# out of somebody is not a sport, in spite of what the police think. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine! Boxing can become a sport."
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7. Board Game: Perfect Bowling Game [Average Rating:3.00 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
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Orlando
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"Bowling is not a sport, because you have to rent the shoes. (Don't forget - my rules, I make 'em up!)"

(from another routine) "Bowling could be improved somewhat if it had a goalie."
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8. Board Game: Billiards [Average Rating:5.00 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
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"Billiards isn't a sport because there's no chance for serious injury... unless you welch on a bet in a tough neighborhood."
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9. Board Game: The Original Lazy Man's Pool [Average Rating:4.50 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
United States
Orlando
Florida
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"If you see a guy with a pool cue sticking out of his @ss, you know that *might* be a sports-related injury. But that's not Billiards - that's Pool.

And that begins with P, which rhymes with D, and that brings me to..."
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10. Board Game: Lawn Darts [Average Rating:5.80 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
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"Darts

Now darts *could* be a sport, because you might put somebody's eye out. But, darts will never be a sport, because the whole object is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic."

(I can't believe there's no pictures for darts or lawn darts.)

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11. Board Game: Crosse Attack College Lacrosse [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
United States
Orlando
Florida
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"Lacrosse is not a sport - lacrosse is a faggot college activity.
Any time you're standing in the middle of a field with a stick with a net on the end of it, you're engaged in a faggot college activity.

Same thing goes for..."
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12. Board Game: Fenced In [Average Rating:4.50 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
United States
Orlando
Florida
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...field hockey and fencing. These things aren't sports because you can't gamble on them. When was the last time you made a f^&%ing fencing bet?"
 
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13. Board Game: Forgotten Axis: The Romanian Campaign [Average Rating:5.31 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
United States
Orlando
Florida
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Gymnastics are not a sport because Romanians are good at it. (Took me a long time to come up with that rule, but... I thought of one!)
 
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14. Board Game: Marco Polo [Average Rating:5.00 Overall Rank:14489]
Jamie Beu
United States
Orlando
Florida
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"Polo is not a sport - polo is golf on horseback. It's a great concept, but it's not a sport..."
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15. Board Game: Pipolo [Average Rating:5.84 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
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"...and water polo, I don't even want to mention water polo, because it's extremely cruel to the horses."
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16. Board Game: Woods & Water [Average Rating:6.48 Overall Rank:10378]
Jamie Beu
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Orlando
Florida
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"Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting's a sport? Ask the deer.
The only thing good about hunting is the many 'accidents' on the weekends.

Which brings me to..."
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17. Board Game: Formula Dé [Average Rating:6.99 Overall Rank:577]
Jamie Beu
United States
Orlando
Florida
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"...auto racing! Now we're talking serious &^%*$& injuries, folks. I don't care who wins these things - it's the same five rednecks who win all the time anyway! I gotta be honest, driving 500 miles in a circle does NOT impress me.

Let me put it this way: when else am I going to see a 26-car collision and not be IN the thing?"
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18. Board Game: Tennis [Average Rating:4.73 Overall Rank:14814]
Jamie Beu
United States
Orlando
Florida
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"Then we have tennis. Now tennis - very trendy... not a sport. Tennis is a form of..."
 
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19. Board Game: Pig Pong [Average Rating:5.91 Overall Rank:10760]
Jamie Beu
United States
Orlando
Florida
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...Ping Pong" (couldn't find a picture of ping pong, but this looked funny.)

"Tennis is Ping Pong played while standing on the table. Great idea - not a sport."

"In fact, all racquet games are nothing but derivatives of Ping Pong, even..."
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20. Board Game: Pancake!: Women's College Volleyball [Average Rating:6.67 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
United States
Orlando
Florida
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"...Volleyball is racquet-less team Ping Pong played with an inflated ball and a raised net while standing on the table."
 
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21. Board Game: Carpet Golf [Average Rating:6.50 Unranked]
Jamie Beu
United States
Orlando
Florida
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"Then we come to golf. You ever watch golf on TV? It's like watching flies f^&%!.

Think of the brains it takes to play golf: hitting a ball, with a crooked stick, and then... walking after it. And then... hitting it AGAIN! I say, 'pick it up, @ssh*!&, you're lucky you found it. Put it in your pocket and go the f^%& home!"
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