The BGG Membership Committee
Kurt R
United States
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
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The BGG Membership Committee is now accepting applications for inclusion in the BGG community. Please sit quietly until your name is called so that we effic -- AHEM! I said QUIETLY! Don't make me break out the Monopoly and play your ass!

That's better.

Now we shall review each of you on a case by case basis. I must say -- looking at the lot of you, we're not very impressed, and from what we've seen of these cases, we don't know why you even bothered.

But in the interest of thoroughness and fairness, and so that no one may say they didn't get a chance, we shall review any and all applications.

Now that I have your attention, let us commence then...
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1. Board Game: Memoir '44 [Average Rating:7.54 Overall Rank:117] [Average Rating:7.54 Unranked]
Kurt R
United States
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
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BMC: OK, case #1, Username enzo622. I assume you don't capitalize it, correct?

enzo622: Uh, yes, sir. I mean, no, sir, I do not.

BMC: That's MA'AM, not SIR!

enzo622: Sorry, Madam. Sir. Ma'am, uh --

BMC: Shut up!... Hmm, yes, I remember this case quite vividly now. Quite the oddball if I recall. One might even call him a pervert. Something wrong with this one, for sure.

enzo622: Uh, I wouldn't say "pervert" --

BMC: Speak when spoken to! Doesn't like Memoir '44, calls it "too card-driven and dice-dependent" if I recall correctly. Everyone likes this game, but you. That's perverted! What else would you call it?

enzo622: Uh, well, I guess --

BMC: Shut up! That was a rhetorical question! You don't seem to realize, Mr. I-dont-capitalize-my-username that this game is beloved by many with a host of expansion packs and lots of detailed miniatures.

enzo622: Yes, but I just don't get it, it's like the game plays itself, I mean --

BMC: No, you don't "get it", do you? And that's your problem, while the rest of us do. This game DEFINES fun for most people and to dislike it puts you on the outside of the BGG community.

Which, ironically, is right where you belong.

MEMBERSHIP: Denied!

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2. Board Game: Carcassonne: Expansion 3 – The Princess & The Dragon [Average Rating:6.72 Unranked] [Average Rating:6.72 Unranked]
Ben Lott
United States
Mason
Michigan
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BMC: Well, for the next case I have Blott. Are you here?

Blott: Present.

BMC: I see here that you spend way too much time on the website. Don't you have a job or life outside of this place?

Blott: Yes ma'am, I work for a management company. I fit BGG in the spare time when things get slow.

BMC: A likely story, things must be ridiculously slow there. Well, what about this? It says here that you hated the Princess & Dragon expansion for Carcassonne.

Blott: That's true. It just made the game too fiddly for my taste.

BMC: Hey, we all know that there have been too many expansions, but we don't really talk about it. A true geek is supposed to relish each new expansion, no matter how ridiculous it gets.

Blott: Well, um, I haven't tried any of the other Carc expansions.

BMC: Blasphemy! Oh, and it says here that you've never played any of the top 20 ranked games on BGG. Is that true?

Blott: Well, I do own 2 of them. I just haven't got them to the table yet.

BMC: You owned Race for the Galaxy for more than a week without playing it. Oh, that's the last straw...DENIED!
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3. Board Game: Indonesia [Average Rating:7.81 Overall Rank:189]
Darrell Hanning
United States
Jacksonville
Florida
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BMC: User DarrellKH!

Me: Yes?

BMC: Well, at least you know how to press the Shift key. What the heck is that avatar, though? It looks like commode pieces spray-painted for use in a deer blind!

Me: Ambassador Kosh, from Babylon 5. He's a Vorlon...

BMC: A what?

Me: A...Vorlon. Actually, that's not really him, that's his encounter -

BMC: -What ridiculous sci-fi nonsense! You must like Twilight Imperium 3, then.

Me: Actually, no.

BMC: Oh, so a Euro-purist, eh?

Me: Actually, no. I started out in wargaming, but I like a lot of the Euros, yet I still-

BMC: -Good grief, young man, are you ever confused! Sounds like you need a little time to make up your mind.

Me: Uh, I've been strategy gaming for nearly half a century.

BMC: Which means you're hopelessly out of date, in addition to the crime of refusing to fit in a pigeonhole! Request denied!!!

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4. Board Game: Talisman [Average Rating:6.38 Overall Rank:1754]
David Matchen
United States
Baltimore
Maryland
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BMC: User Marlowe_PI! Front and center!

Marlowe_PI: Yes, ma'am?

BMC: First of all, what's with that pretentious underscore in your name? Did you even know that's what it was called?

Marlowe_PI: Well, see, the site doesn't let me--

BMC: Insolence! Next, let's talk about this whole theme thing of yours. You and Darrell some sort of pre-verts? Need to act out your fantasies while the rest of us are enjoying Settlers?

Marlowe_PI: No, see, they're just fantasy ga--

BMC: Mr. Dershowitz, if you have any control over your client, I suggest you exercise it now.

Mr. Dershowitz: With all due resp--

BMC: Silence! Now, what's this about "Talisman," Mr. Marlowe?

Marlowe_PI: Well, I used to pl--

BMC: I wasn't finished. That's a "roll-and-move" game, is it not?

Marlowe_PI: Er...yes?

BMC: (purpling) Finishing your sentences is a sign of disrespect! Need I hold you in contempt?

Marlowe_PI: Have you no sense of decency, ma'am, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?

BMC: Very clever, but this isn't "Twilight Struggle," Mr. Marlowe. Denied.
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5. Board Game: Dungeons & Dragons Miniatures [Average Rating:6.53 Overall Rank:2343]
Steve Cates
United States
Visalia
California
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BMC: Username Aldie!

Aldie: Hello Everybody!

BMC: Welcome back to the BMC Aldie. This is simply a formality as I'm sure you understand. We here at the BMC have been very excited about the site from the inception and think you're doing a wonderful job as site adminstrator of our favorite site.

Aldie: Thanks a lot!

BMC: Just a couple of questions before we renew your membership. Okay?

Aldie: No problem.

BMC: Okay. What games have you been playing lately? Caylus? Stone Age?

Aldie: Actually, no. Caylus never really excited me too much and Stone Age I played a bunch in the beginning but I think I'm done with it for a while. Last weekend I played Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition and I just want to keep playing and playing.

BMC: WHAT!!111!!!!1 How can this be!? Membership DENIED
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6. Board Game: Cry Wolf! [Average Rating:6.83 Unranked]
Hammock Backpacker
United States
Columbus
Ohio
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BMC: User matthew...what is that...oh, dot manguarndt

Me: Uh, Marquand maam.

BMC: What?!

Me: Marquand

BMC: What the hell kind of name is that Mark Marquirt

Me: Sorry maam, it's Matthew Marquand

BMC: Whatever (what is it with these people?) Alright Mark, we've heard rumors of you being a poser.

Me: A poser maam?

BMC: Yes, a poser. Apparently you buy lots of games, put them on a shelf, and then rarely actually play them. Please explain this aberrant behavior?

Me: Well...um...I didn't get to play games as a kid. You see my parents didn't like games and so I've...well got a lot of catching up to do. And I'm an adult now, with kids, and there are a lot of time commit-

BMC: Silence!

Me: Excuse me maam?

BMC: Cry Baby Poser! DENIED!
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7. Board Game: International Philosophy Grudgematch [Average Rating:6.52 Unranked]
David Kahnt
United States
Youngstown
Ohio
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BMC: Mr. Can't?

DKahnt: Uhh... that's Kahnt, like the philosopher.

BMC: Excuse me?

DKahnt: Its pronounced, Kahnt, like Kant, the philosopher. Its a common mistake.

BMC: Calling us Common-folk? The committee is not amused. DENIED. Next! Seriously, anyone not at the bottom of the barrel?

-DK
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8. Board Game: Die Macher [Average Rating:7.65 Overall Rank:186]
Justin Morse
United States
Falmouth
Maine
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BMC: Kwicks-Oat One-Seven-One.

Quixote: Ah, Quixote. Key-Ho-Tay. I'm Here. Sir. Madam, Sir.

BMC: Are you quite through, Kwicks-Oat?

Quixote:
Yes, Ma'am.

BMC: Looking over your play logs, it seems you've owned Die Macher for several months, but have yet to play it. Explain yourself.

Quixote: Well, you see, I want to play it, but the time requirements... the theme... It's just... It's hard to get people excited about a 5 hour game about German politics. I certainly want to play the game. I do.

BMC: All we're hearing are hollow excuses. Your most played game is... Strat-o-matic baseball. You've made the time to play a 2 hour game about baseball statistics close to thirty times in the last calendar year, and yet Die Macher remains unplayed.

Quixote:
Those were solo games. It's not the...

BMC: Solo? You... play with yourself? You are a disgrace to the hobby, and your application is denied. Playing with yourself. You should be ashamed.
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9. Board Game: French Chatter [Average Rating:3.00 Unranked]
Schuk
France
Mulhouse
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BMC: Schuk... (what do they all have with silly names ?)

Schuk: oui ?

BMC: hmmm ok I see that you are a pretty average gamer... you like games everybody like, you dislike games everybody dislike. You don't own a lot of unplayed games. Plus, you own an autographed copy of Caylus first edition !! That looks good !!!

Schuk: pardon, vous pouvez répéter un peu plus lentement, je n'ai pas tout compris...

BMC: *gasp* DENIED !!
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10. Board Game: Candy Land [Average Rating:3.17 Overall Rank:15335]
Jean-Michel Petit
Canada
Montreal
Quebec
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BMC : Next case...Micquebec...move forward please!

Micquebec : I'm right here Ma'am.

BMC : Did I asked you to talk? No? Then talk when you are talked to!

Micquebec : Allright Ma'am.

BMC : I think we have a case of deafness here. DID I ASKED YOU TO TALK? NO? THEN TALK WHEN YOU ARE TALKED TO!!!

Micquebec : ...

BMC : Good. Now, can you explain yourself? Candy Land in 2008?What is this travesty? What does this game do in an otherwise pretty good collection?

Micquebec : You see, I came back to gaming after a long break in which I got a wife and kids. You know how it is, you see yourself in your kids and you want them to.....

BMC : I didn't asked for a novel, I asked for an answer! Defend yourself or suffer the consequences!

Micquebec : ...

BMC : Another thing, are you related to Shuck or enzo622 in any way?

Micquebec : No, I don't know them, why?

BMC : Ah, I see, it's a french invasion. You tried to infiltrate BGG under false credential and then you wanted to overthrow the BMC. I saw through your plot. Your pathetic rebels friends and you will be crushed in one swift stroke!!! You all speak french! You failed. D E N I E D !
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11. Board Game: Container [Average Rating:7.12 Overall Rank:583]
Dan
United States
Bountiful
Utah
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BMC: Next in line.

ytter: Yes?

BMC: Another unpronounceable name.

ytter: Well, I say it ee-tur, but my frie...

BMC: Silence! I will not put up with any more mindless chatter!

ytter: But that's what I come here for.

BMC: Yes, but.. no, but...er.. SILENCE!

ytter: ?

BMC: It was overheard that you not only keep, but that you use the box insert for every game you own.

ytter: yes, that's mostly true.

BMC: It has also been observed that you also have figured out how to assemble the AH inserts from such games as Betrayal at House on the Hill, Nexus Ops and Vegas Showdown.

ytter: Well, yes, but...

BMC: Nobody knows how to assemble those inserts!

ytter: It's quite simple really...

BMC: Bits and chits are supposed to be neatly bagged in a vacated box and stored on their sides for easy access on a custom shelf made just deep enough...

ytter: but I do bag my pieces, I just put them back in the box insert...

BMC: You what?! Horror! Get thee Hence!

ytter: but my BGG membership?

BMC: DENIED!
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12. Board Game: Access Denied [Average Rating:5.45 Unranked]
United States
Boise
Idaho
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BMC: Username DWTripp?

BMC: Denied!
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13. Board Game: Blue Dragon RPCG [Average Rating:5.42 Unranked]
Andrea Jørgensen
Denmark
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BMC: Let's see... Little Dragon?

Me: Yes ma'am?

BMC: ... are you serious?

Me: Excuse me?

BMC: That's a childish username! Are you some sort of roleplayer?

Me: Actually yes...

BMC:
And you believe in the existence of dragons?

Me: Eh...

BMC: You love Anne McCaffrey books don't you?

Me: My username has nothing to with fantasy and roleplaying!

BMC: Really?

Me: No, it's my username in my STEAM account when I play Team Fortress!

BMC: WHAT! You spend time playing computer games instead of board games! That is unacceptable! DENIED!
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14. Board Game: Terrain Vague [Average Rating:6.68 Overall Rank:7284]
Daniel Danzer
Germany
Stuttgart
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BMC: NEXT! "douche-amp"!? What the hell is that supposed to be? Do you want to mock us?

duchamp: No, ecuse me, it`s the name of a French artist ...

BMC: French? And you a German? What do you guys want over here? You didn`t even support our latest crusade! Your top ten games are Chinese, French, Swiss, German, and only 1 US game? What do you have to say in defense?

duchamp: Well, I was just born, where I was born, Ma`am, and I love boardgames of all kinds, and ...

BMC: You WHAT? You little, stinky, european pervert! DENIED.

duchamp: But ...

BMC: "Butt"!? This is offending! Where`s the Ban Man! Get the Ban Man!

duchamp: Let me explain. See, Immanuel Kant ...

BMC (gasping, then shouting): Denied, banned and burnt!
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15. Board Game: Omnigon [Average Rating:5.83 Overall Rank:11487]
J.L. Robert
United States
Sherman Oaks
California
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BMC: J.L.Robert!

JLR: Present

BMC: Define "Omni Gamer"

JLR: Well, it means that...

BMC: I didn't ask for the Gettysburg Address. I want the Readers' Digest version.

JLR: Okay, I play any type of game.

BMC: And do you prefer one type over another?

JLR: Most of my collection are wargames.

BMC: So you prefer wargames over all others?

JLR: I didn't say that. I like all types of games.

BMC: Wargames?

JLR: Yes.

BMC: Eurogames?

JLR: Yes.

BMC: Card games?

JLR: Yes.

BMC: (leaning forward, pronouncing slowly) "Ameri-trash?"

JLR: Yes.

BMC: (raised up on both hands) Collectibles?

JLR: Yes.

BMC: (sits back down) DENIED! You're far too wishy-washy to be an effective member! We need people able to insult the games they won't play, and to put down those people that play them. NEXT!!!
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16. Board Game: The Soap Opera Game [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Seth
Netherlands
Eindhoven
Noord Brabant
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BMC: Seth_Logan … hmm, good. A proper American name, no French fuss here at BG… wait! What’s that flag… that’s not French is it?

Seth_Logan: Euh no, that’s Dutch! Ma’am. I am prou..

BMC: DUTCH, my god that’s even worse then French. I am a Southerner myself, son. So I don’t likes the people up there myself. But do you think that we would be as great a country, that we are today, if we would have allowed you lot to cling on to that city? By GOD, son, why on earth can’t you people make up new city names? Simply replacing Old Amsterdam with New Amsterdam… that don’t cut it, son?

Seth_Logan: Well New Y…

BMC: Don’t spoil them chances with me now, boy. Your momma must have agreed with me to bless you with that Sweet Southern All American Name!

Seth Logan: It’s actually a nickname ma’am…

BMC: Say what? A nickname, why… are you afraid of something there, boy? IS that it huh? You is afraid, someone will find out that your hobby is about playing boardgames with other good folks like myself, huh, boy. Is that it?

Seth_Logan: Euh N…

BMC: Don’t lie to me, boy! I can tell by your heretic name, that you issss a liarrrr! Should’ve known that someone who calls himself Seth is Evil to the Bone!

Seth_Logan: No, No, that’s not true… Seth stems from a computer game called Command and Conquer: “From God, to Kain, to Seth; I am his right hand.” And Logan is a Comic Book character… you know Wolverine?

BMC: (sighs) And what, might I ask, have Comic Books and yugh… computer games have to do with boardgames, boy? Well… NOTHING.

Seth_Logan: To be honest I don’t know if I started using this name after these events or when I was even younger: watching Brook Logan in the Bold and the Beautiful and a character named Seth Schneider (?) in As the World Turns…

BMC: Soap opera’s…are you serious. That’s it: DENIED!
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17. Board Game: Avatar: The Last Airbender Trading Card Game [Average Rating:5.45 Overall Rank:12604]
Alan
United States
Trumbull
Connecticut
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BMC: Stern!

AS: Present, errr, sir.. or madam... sir.

BMC: Silence! So how long have you been here?

AS: ...

BMC: Answer!

AS: I-I've been a member of Board Game Geek since September.

BMC: Why don't you have an avatar?

AS: Sir?

BMC: AN AVATAR! WHY. DO. YOU. NOT. HAVE. ONE? You have the geek gold, but you do not have an avatar. How long have you had the geek gold?

AS: Umm, well, months, sir, but--

BMC: MONTHS?

AS: Yes, well, but I-I don't use my home computer all that often and I don't play with Photoshop. I've been meaning to dig up an old Danger Mouse cartoon picture to use and--

BMC: And what? NO AVATAR? DENIED!

AS: But, but, sir--

BMC: ARE YOU DEAF? DENIED!!! Next!

AS: ...
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18. Board Game: How Not To Be Seen [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Aloha!
United States
Kalamazoo
Michigan
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Meega, nala kwishta!
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AAGH! YOU'RE TOUCHING ME!
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BMC: Oh Lord another that can't spell... *sigh* very well. You there! Weenie boy! Speak up!

cold_fuzion: Who? Me? Uh... yeah okay. Well you see I like games and I even designed one.

BMC: You have? How does it work?

cold_fuzion: Well it largely revolves around rolling dice and...

BMC: Dice!?!?

cold_fuzion: Yes sir. Ma'am... uh sir. It has a Monty Python theme.

BMC: *rolls eyes* You can't spell and you mean to torment us with more of this Month Python drivel? DENIED! And may God have mercy on your soul!
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19. Board Game: Bitter Woods [Average Rating:6.90 Overall Rank:3886]
tom-le-termite
United States
ft lauderdale
Florida
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I think we're going to need a bigger tub.
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BMC: now what...? tom-the-termite...?

tlt: -LE- please...

BMC: tom-le-termite... oh my, another one... this is a real invasion!

tlt: well for my defense I...

BMC: ENOUGH! How in the heck did you make your way up there? (looking at the CV)... but... this is insane! you eat wooden cubes!

tlt: I quit

BMC: you quit? Really?... SO WHAT IS THAT MEEPLE CRUMB ON THE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH???

tlt: the..? oh... well, er... he was so cute and....

BMC: OUT! OUT! YOU SERIAL MEEPLER!
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20. Board Game: For Sale [Average Rating:7.22 Overall Rank:261]
United States
Plainwell
Michigan
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Mi cabasa esta muy verde
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Et in Vantasia ego
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BMC: Vandapandawattamy - oh why bother, den..
Moi: Woah, woah, woah!
BMC: What‽
Moi: [slides €5 across the table]
BMC: Are you trying to bribe us‽
Moi: Well duh.
BMC: With €5‽
Moi: Yes. It's worth 7.8695 US dollars.
BMC: Ah, very good then, we can use all money we can get.


Accepted!
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21. Board Game: Pretty Pretty Princess [Average Rating:4.24 Overall Rank:15219]
I will not rest until Biblios is in the Top 100. - Steve Oksienik
United States
Howell
Michigan
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Well I been watchin' while you been coughin, I've been drinking life while you've been nauseous, and so I drink to health while you kill yourself and I got just one thing that I can offer... Go on and save yourself and take it out on me
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BMC: Sweet mother of all things holy! You must have been born in the ugly forest and hit every ugly tree trying to escape!

stormseeker75: cry But I'm Pretty!

BMC: Pretty? If by pretty you mean FUGLY, then yes, you're pretty.

stormseeker75: But what about all my contributions? I've done over 100 reviews!

BMC: Tell that to Tom Vasel, you maggot!

stormseeker75: But what about my 50+ Geeklists?

BMC: HA!! Only one has more than 100 thumbs! Even that toolbox DKahnt has done better.

stormseeker75: Oh man, can't I be Geek of the Week before I get kicked out?

BMC: Snowball's chance in hell pretty boy! Blott and Osiris Ra got it before you and they haven't been here nearly as long. You're pathetic. Get out of my sight. MEMBERSHIP DENIED WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!
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22. Board Game: Wench [Average Rating:4.54 Overall Rank:15158]
Sam D.
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BMC: What makes you think you can be a member, you don't even play any games in the top 100!

Sammy: Boobs. There's not enough chicks on this site. You deny me, and every other geek on this list will beat the meeples out of you.

BMC: Uhhhh... OK then.
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23. Board Game: Dune [Average Rating:7.63 Overall Rank:215]
Tim Thorp
United States
Granite Falls
Washington
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"Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Come on! I don't got all day! Come on! Come on! Come on you bastard! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? "
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BMC: Alright, alright, settle down! Next case! (shuffles papers.) And you are berserkley?

berserkley: Yessir.

BMC: Hmmm...you gave Dune a 10...Parker Brothers?

berserkley: No way, Jose. Avalon Hill!

BMC: Excellent. Nice avatar. Nice and violent. Big time wargamer, I bet!

berserkley: Well, not really. I...

BMC: So you're a Eurosnoot?

berserkley: Well no, actually...

BMC: What the hell? How many session reports have you submitted?

berserkley: Uh none, but you see...

BMC: Reviews?

berserkley: well none, but what I want to say is...

BMC: a few lousy pre Admin photos...are you a Lurker?!

berserkley: Well no, I can exp...

BMC: What exactly have you contributed?

berserkley (brightening): Well, I had this really funny posting where I make a play on words with "Tip Jar" and "Jar Jar Bin..."

BMC: THAT WAS YOU?!?! DENIED!!!!
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24. Board Game: Monopoly [Average Rating:4.39 Overall Rank:15329]
Bruce Pierce
United States
Brookhaven
Pennsylvania
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BMC: Who is the gamer that has committed High Treason by still liking Monopoly please step forward?

Bruisers: Yes, sir. That would be me.

BMC: How could you! It’s probably the greatest sin of BGG.

Bruisers: Well Sir, it’s the game my family would always play together. So it’s a game that has fond memories for me.

BMC: Ok, what other games do you like...Wait! Weren’t you the one who was disappointed with Games by Scott review of Calyus?

Bruisers: Uh, well yes but...I

MEMBERSHIP: Denied!
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25. Board Game: (your name here) of the Jungle [Average Rating:7.00 Unranked]
Steffan O'Sullivan
United States
Plymouth
NH
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"To be honorable and just is our only defense against men without honor or justice." -Diogenes of Sinope
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"Today is the yesterday you won't be able to remember tomorrow" -Pinkwater
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BMC: Sauce One, step forward.

...

BMC: I said, Sauce One!

...

BMC: You, there! Isn't that you?

sos1: No, I'm ess-oh-

BMC: DENIED! Never attempt to "correct" someone in authority.
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