Hollywood Raids Your Game Closet
David Dixon
United States
Mauldin
South Carolina
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Hollywood, as everyone knows, is bereft of all that is good in life, and, being out of clever scripts, has now decided not only to turn video games into movies, but board games as well...

Read below, but be warned, all of you won't be happy...

Also, feel free to add your own.

Mandatory Diis disclaimer or random thought: My Starcraft entry is pretty good, though, really... Also, feel free to use this as an excuse to post good pictures of those starring in my adaptations... for "research" of course.
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1. Board Game: Diplomacy [Average Rating:7.06 Overall Rank:502]
David Dixon
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Mauldin
South Carolina
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Diplomacy

Starring: Woody Allen, Scarlet Johansson, Clive Owen, Helen Mirren

Directed By: Woody Allen

Tagline: "Sometimes, It’s Not Just a Misunderstanding"

Press Release: In this latest romantic comedy, Woody Allen mines new comedic ground with this tale of a May-December romance between Olivia (Johansson) and Sir Haysforthwaite (Owen). Set in New York City, Olivia works as a US secretary for the recently divorced Sir Haysforthwaite, Britain’s ambassador to the UN—sparks fly, but can their love survive Haysforthwaite’s mother (Mirren), and the vagaries of international relations? Unlike any movie you’ve ever seen!*

*Excepting every other Woody Allen movie ever made.
 
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2. Board Game: Last Night on Earth: The Zombie Game [Average Rating:7.00 Overall Rank:538] [Average Rating:7.00 Unranked]
David Dixon
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Last Night on Earth: The Manor House

Starring: Megan Fox, Heidi Montag, Hayden Christiansen, Shia Lebouf

Directed By: Wes Craven

Tagline: "It’s Their Last Night on Earth (until the sequel)"

Press Release: Horror movie mogul Wes Craven Directs this slasher-zombie thriller about four underdressed and oversexed teens struggling to survive the night in the haunted Tree Frog Manor House. When an ancient spell opens the Manor’s graveyard and unleashes a swarm of zombies, the teens must fight and survive the terror. The zombies live, but the teens won’t...

Ain’t It Cool News Messageboard Samples:

“dude, megan fox so better get naked in this movie, else this is gonna suXorz"--fratboy7696969

“f****** hayden christiansen? WTF????!!"--moviebuff

“My buddy got an advance copy of the script and he says Darth Vader lite dies horribly--but it takes forever and is really painful--like the scene in Reservoir Dogs--only worse, so there is some justice in the world"--insidescoopjason
 
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3. Board Game: RoboRally [Average Rating:7.12 Overall Rank:338]
David Dixon
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South Carolina
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RoboRally

Starring: Jason Statham, John Cena, Jane Lynch, Jeremy Irons

Directed By: McG

Tagline: "Robots. Explosions. Jason Statham Making Quips. Ca-Ching!"

Press Release: In a post-apocalyptic future, extreme athletes control massive robots and compete in RoboRally, a brutal sport pitting the brains and brawn of its contestants against each other and the industrial hazards of a trap-strewn course. Newcomer John Everyman (Statham), settles into an uneasy alliance with the current RoboRally champions Mark Bland (Cena) and his girlfriend Lucy Sextant (Lynch) as they prepare to take The Chewer (Irons), head of the evil criminal gang Terra Firma. Can their friendship survive the growing tension long enough to defeat The Chewer of Terra Firma?
 
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4. Board Game: Power Grid [Average Rating:7.91 Overall Rank:29]
David Dixon
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South Carolina
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Power Grid

Starring: Benicio del Toro, Michael Douglas, Julia Roberts, Jean Reno, George Clooney, Danny Lee, Taye Diggs, Rachel Weisz

Directed By: Steven Soderbergh

Tagline: "What is the True Cost of Power?"

Press Release: An international cast takes on the problem of international power generation in this thought provoking film by Steven Soderbergh. It follows the owner of a Kentucky coal mine conglomerate (Clooney) and his journeys through the business underworld in an attempt to secure a European buyer for his coal. His rival, an Far Eastern oil magnate (Lee), and a French financier (Reno) scheme to undo him by tipping off US inspectors (Diggs and Douglas) to his firm’s environmental practices. Meanwhile, his focus on his business leaves his wife (Roberts) feeling empty, but she begins to find fulfillment in charity work for a South American organization devoted to bringing renewable power to poor Guatemalan villages. Is her heart really in the work, or is she falling for the head of the charity, Antonio del Vega (del Toro)? Vega’s wife (Weisz) suspects it’s the latter, but she is torn between helping the woman who can make their dream a reality but may tear her life apart. You’ll never turn on a light switch without being plagued by moral questions again. Running time 4.5 hours.
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5. Board Game: Agricola [Average Rating:8.02 Overall Rank:17]
David Dixon
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South Carolina
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Agricola

Starring: Kiera Knightly, Alan Rickman, Kenneth Brannaugh, Emma Watson, Liam Neeson

Directed By: Anthony Minghella

Tagline: "Love Must be Nurtured"

Press Release: An ensemble cast takes on love and society among poor English peasants in the 14th century in this latest release by Oscar-winner Minghella (The English Patient). Exquisite sets, stunning cinematography, and period accents will make you forget how excruciatingly boring this movie really is.

Ocar-Bait Checklist: Period costumes? Check. British accents? Check. Weepy tragedy? Check. Social-commentary-about-societies-conveniently-long-dead? Check. Empowered female lead? Check.
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6. Board Game: StarCraft: The Board Game [Average Rating:7.34 Overall Rank:341]
David Dixon
United States
Mauldin
South Carolina
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Starcraft: The PC Game: The Boardgame: The Movie

Starring: Angelina Jolie, Lawrence Fishburn, Guy Pearce

Directed By: Paul WS Anderson

Tagline: "Somebody Call for an Exerminator?"

Press Release: Colonial lawman Jim Raynor (Fishburn) has his hands full trying to stop a colonial infestation of the mighty Zerg aliens, who destroy everything in his path. His Confederate superior General Duke (Pearce), wants him arrested, and his most trusted deputy, LT Kerrigan (Jolie) may be more than she seems. This hard edged, gritty, science fiction epic is the first of a trilogy.

Ain’t It Cool News Messageboard Samples:

“they messed up the sige tanx in this move bad they dont even look like the ones in the game. in the game they have six wheels but in this crap movie they only have five this is gonna suck big time like paul anderson’s the royal tennenbaums"--starcraftfanboy69696969

“@fanboy: Paul Anderson didn’t direct The Royal Tannenbaums, you retard--that was Wes Anderson. And who gives a s*** about how many roadwheels the tanks have?"--voiceofreason

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7. Board Game: Race for the Galaxy [Average Rating:7.77 Overall Rank:50]
David Dixon
United States
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South Carolina
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Race for the Galaxy

Starring: Christina Ricci, Freddy Prinze Jr., Sendhil Ramamurthy

Directed By: Uwe Boll

Tagline: "The Galaxy Will Race"

Press Release: In the future, galactic pilots race one another through asteroid fields in an attempt to claim the crown of Galactic Emperor. Xa Chagnath (Prinze) and Bill Scott (Ramamurthy) are boyhood friends who are now racing rivals, dueling not only for the ultimate prize of Galactic Emperor but also true love--the otherworldly Veztev N’Ch’ga (Ricci).

Director Interview Quote: "I promise not to mess this up like I’ve done everything else. And if anybody wants to argue, I’ll fight you."--Uwe Boll

Critic’s Take: "Can’t the UN do something about this guy? Isn’t Uwe Boll an international threat to world peace?"

Man on the Street’s Take: "NOOOOOOO!!!! WHY DO YOU HATE US, GOD? WHHHHYYYYY???? NOT ANOTHER UWE BOLL FILM!!!"
 
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