Lawyer Jokes
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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Apropos of nothing except the fact that I might have to consult an attorney in the near future, please give us all a chuckle by adding to this list of lawyer jokes.

Just try to keep 'em clean--
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1. Board Game: Care Bears: How Many Bears? [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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How many lawyer jokes are there?

Three. The rest are all true stories.
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2. Board Game: Definition [Average Rating:4.50 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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What do you call an honest lawyer?

An oxymoron.
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3. Board Game: Don't Tip The Waiter [Average Rating:5.47 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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What happened to the lawyer when he took Viagra?

He got taller.
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4. Board Game: Doolittle & Waite [Average Rating:6.24 Overall Rank:8463]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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If one useless person is called a disgrace, what are two useless people called?

A law firm.
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5. Board Game: God Trumps [Average Rating:6.00 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't believe he's a lawyer.
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6. Board Game: Satanix [Average Rating:4.33 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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What do you call Satan and a lawyer?

Twins.
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7. Board Game: Blue Light Special [Average Rating:7.67 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four: One climbs the ladder, one holds the ladder, one shakes the ladder, and one sues the ladder company.
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8. Board Game: Qwitch [Average Rating:5.66 Overall Rank:10011]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

A rooster clucks defiance...
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9. Board Game: Choices [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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You're trapped in an elevator with a tiger, a lion, and a lawyer. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.
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10. Board Game: Advice [Average Rating:5.50 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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In a panic, a doctor calls his lawyer.

"Sid, I just gave one of my patients a clean bill of health and he dropped dead on my doorstep on the way out! What do I do?"

"Remain calm", said the lawyer. "Now very carefully, I want you to go out and turn the guy around so it looks like he was just walking in."
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11. Board Game: You Be the Judge [Average Rating:4.71 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of fifty?

Your Honor.
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12. Board Game: Dexter's Laboratory: Race to the Brainergizer! [Average Rating:3.00 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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Why are lawyers replacing rats in laboratory testing?

Two reasons:
Lab assistants get attached to rats.
There are some things rats won't do.
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13. Board Game: Flying Coffins [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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Why are only two pall bearers required at a lawyer's funeral?

There are only two handles on a garbage can.
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14. Board Game: Loaded Questions [Average Rating:5.93 Overall Rank:4722]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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A guy asks a lawyer, "What is your fee structure?"

"I charge fifty dollars to answer three questions."

"Isn't that awfully steep?"

"Yes it is. What's the third question?"
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15. Board Game: Shark [Average Rating:6.65 Overall Rank:1791]
Roberto Bueno
Spain
Gijon
Asturias
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Why sharks wouldn't have lawyers for food in the caribbean?

Well, professional courtesy (you wouldn't eat a collegue)
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16. Board Game: Jumpin' Monkeys [Average Rating:5.25 Overall Rank:14696]
Tim
United States
Frederick
Maryland
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If a fat lawyer and a skinny lawyer jump off a building, who lands first?

Who cares?
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17. Board Game: Skid-O [Average Rating:4.33 Unranked]
Gary Weinfurther
United States
West Bloomfield
Michigan
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What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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18. Board Game: Cat & Fish [Average Rating:6.67 Overall Rank:7629]
Gary Weinfurther
United States
West Bloomfield
Michigan
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
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19. Board Game: Black Hole [Average Rating:5.50 Overall Rank:12978]
Jeff Binning
United States
Rollinsville
Colorado
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What do you call it when you have 50 dead lawyers in a deep hole?

A pretty good start.
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20. Board Game: Uniquely New Jersey [Average Rating:2.67 Unranked]
¡dn ʇǝƃ ʇ,uɐɔ ı puɐ uǝllɐɟ ǝʌ,ı
Canada
Chestermere
Alberta
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Life lesson: Hamsters are NOT diswasher safe.
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There are 10 types of people-- those who understand binary, and those who don't.
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Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, while New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps?
Spoiler (click to reveal)

New Jersey got first pick.
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21. Board Game: The Wheels on the Bus [Average Rating:3.90 Unranked]
Tim Thorp
United States
Granite Falls
Washington
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"Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Come on! I don't got all day! Come on! Come on! Come on you bastard! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? "
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Q: A bus full of lawyers goes plunges off a cliff, killing everyone on board. Why was this a tragedy?

A: There were 5 empty seats.
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22. Board Game: Concrete Jungle [Average Rating:3.00 Unranked]
Richard Irving
United States
Salinas
California
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What do need if you find a lawyer buried up his neck in concrete?


Spoiler (click to reveal)
More concrete!
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23. Board Game: Hooker and Lee [Average Rating:6.00 Unranked]
Jerry Wilkinson
United States
New Castle
Indiana
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When asking "What would Jesus do?", remember that flipping over tables and using a whip are within the realm of possibilities.
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(I hope this is clean enough.)

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A: The hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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24. Board Game: Dogs of War [Average Rating:7.25 Unranked]
Danger Mike
United States
Fenton
Missouri
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Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Rottweiler.
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25. Board Game: Soul Hunters [Average Rating:5.49 Overall Rank:12789]
James Webb
United Kingdom
Canterbury
Kent
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A lawyer was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil
appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for
you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
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