Choose Your Own Adventure: Game Store of Doom!
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How to play: Read the introduction and choose from the options presented. Scroll to the item on the list that matches the number give. Read ONLY that item. Post final result.

--------------------------Game Store of Doom!

The cool autumn air stings your cheeks and the leaves whip around your feet as you walk along the crowded street. You shove your hands a little deeper into your pocket as if there would be a little more warmth hidden in the depths. Your chilled fingers find no warmth, however, they do wrap around some crumpled paper.You pull it free from the confines of your pocket to find it is, in fact, a long-forgotten $50 bill.

Lucky day! Just the thing to lift your spirits! Having just lost your cat to a bizarre blender-related accident, treating yourself to a shiny new board game will do wonders for your weary soul!

You look up to share your joyous smile with world and there it is... Dark Alley Games! Wait? Dark Alley Games? You don't remember there ever being a game shop at this location, but you think nothing of it and push open the door with a loud creak. You step inside and are surrounded by the smells of old paper and body odor. It's comforting and familiar.

You immediately take notice of a rack with a large, faded construction paper sign emblazoned with the words 'new releases.' And sitting there on it's shelves are two boxes. On the right is a box with a picture of a colorful chicken. On the left what would appear to be a watercolor rendering of the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Do you:
Check out the Colorful Chicken game - Go to #1
Check out the Berlin Wall game - Go to #2
Dig through the bargain bin - go to #3
I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
I like my games like my bedroom, filled with little plastic people- go to #10
I want to recreate obscure wars nobody remembers - go to #13
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1. Board Game: Drive [Average Rating:6.51 Overall Rank:3177]
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You pick up the large, heavy box. The technicolor chicken stares back at you, it's beady eyes piercing your soul. "A game of chicken rendering fun for the whole family." Not a sentence you had ever though you would be reading. Undeterred you flip the box over and inspect the back side. "Players take the role of chicken farm owners that are competing to be the first to complete a large order for chicken meat to the word's largest fast food company. First to fill the order will become the regular supplier. Contains over 463 pewter chicken tokens." Well that seems like overkill, who really needs that? Why, you do, of course!
Do you:
Buy the game. - Result: Chicken Carnage
Look at the other new release - Go to #2
Dig through the bargain bin - Go to #3
 
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2. Board Game: Berlin '85: The Enemy at the Gates [Average Rating:6.66 Overall Rank:4400]
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You lift the depressing looking box and quickly spin it around to inspect the back side, no longer able to look into the bleary eyes of the watercolor man pounding his fists on the wall. 'A lighthearted romp through the world of communist era Berlin.' Well that can't be right at all. 'Players take turns trying to obtain blue jeans and Elvis records before getting caught. Contains 400 cards with humorous spoofs of real-world products and pop-culture items. Ages 6 and up.' Well there should have been more communication with the box cover artists on this one.

Do you:
Buy the game - Result: Berlin Fun
Look at the other new release - go to #1
Dig through the bargain bin - go to #3
I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
I like my games like my bedroom, filled with little plastic people- go to #10
I want to recreate obscure wars nobody remembers - go to #13
 
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3. Board Game: Pass the Trash [Average Rating:4.77 Unranked]
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Not one to be lured by the new and the shiny, you scoff as you pass the new releases and head toward your old friend. Every game shop has the box of cast-off merchandise that has been foolishly overlooked by other customers and surely this one did as well. You find a squat, circular wire bin held together by tape and warm wishes and piled deep with shelf-worn and battle tested boxes just waiting to be given good homes. They wait like the residents on the isle of misfit toys, dreaming of that one little gamer that will look past their substandard artwork and low production values to the see the true gems that they are.

There is a thick layer of old boosters from CCGs you've never heard of mixed with remnant miniatures depicting such fantasy pillars as 'Elf with chalupa' or 'Minotaur school boy.' You spy two weak points in the protective crust that you can dive into like the Millenium Falcon entering the Death Star.

Do you:
Dig near the old Spellfire boosters - go to #4
Dig near the lead-based miniatures - go to #5
I think I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
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4. Board Game: Dead End [Average Rating:5.52 Overall Rank:13266]
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Ouch! Something sharp digs into the soft flesh at the end of your finger. Microbes that have been cocooned and mutating within a bubble of game merchandise since the Nixon administration begin to flood your bloodstream. Your vision blurs over and the room begins to spin. You slump to the floor and your pitiful croaking fails to pull the clerk's interest from the 12 year-old copy of hustler he has hidden behind the counter. As the darkness surrounds you the urge to rise again and consume the flesh of the living invades your brain.

The End.

Result: Death by zombie infection
 
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5. Board Game Designer: Reiner Knizia
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You dig around elbow deep in the bin for what seems like hours. Some sort of sticky, dusty film now coats the entire length of your forearm. You are about to give up when you spy a yellowish box that actually still has some of the cellophane still clinging desperately to it. You pull out a box with no artwork to be found and only the words 'Knizia game #402' on the cover in what would appear to be crayon. The back describes the game as: 'Reiner Knizia made this game. Contains 213 card with some numbers on them, a coin to flip, a complicated chart to determine the final score and one piece of a sweater once worn by the designer.'

Do you:
Buy this game and use the change to drink away the memories - Result: Knizia game #402
Put it back and dig some more - go to #4
Dig through the bargain bin - go to #3
I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
I like my games like my bedroom, filled with little plastic people- go to #10
I want to recreate obscure wars nobody remembers - go to #13
 
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6. Board Game: Monopoly: Euro [Average Rating:5.08 Overall Rank:14838]
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You find a tattered English flag flapping apologetically beneath the heat duct. Several boxes sit on the shelves below each one grouped roughly by theme with the one next to it. A child and his mother push by you, 'Come on Tommy, let's go to Target. They have normal games there.'

Do you:
I feel like some farming! - go to #7
I like the fascinating word of international commerce - go to #8
I feel like constructing some buildings - go to #9
Dig through the bargain bin - go to #3
I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
I like my games like my bedroom, filled with little plastic people- go to #10
I want to recreate obscure wars nobody remembers - go to #13
 
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7. Board Game: The Farming Game [Average Rating:5.84 Overall Rank:7303]
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You randomly pull one of the games from the overflowing farm section. "Landwirtschaft von Langwierigkeit" graces the front cover in a muted yellow font. A man holding a goat under his left arm and what appears to be a bottle of ketchup in his right stands in the middle of a field of rutabaga. The back of the box isn't much help either. "Ein wirklich langes Spiel. Geben Sie einen Nachmittag frei," doesn't tell you much of anything really. You do see several pictures of stack of tiny wooden disks being placed on pictures of things that may or may not represent things a farmer is likely to do at some point.

Do you:
Buy this game - Result: Landwirtschaft von Langwierigkeit
Try the fascinating word of international commerce - go to #8
Maybe constructing some buildings - go to #9
Dig through the bargain bin - go to #3
I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
I like my games like my bedroom, filled with little plastic people- go to #10
I want to recreate obscure wars nobody remembers - go to #13
 
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8. Board Game: Money! [Average Rating:6.55 Overall Rank:1425]
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Feeling in the mood to buy and sell your friends like the commodities they are, you pull one of the boxes with all of the S replaced by dollar signs and euro symbols for E. A man in a tuxedo and swim fins smiles back at you as he raises a martini with a very tiny young woman sitting in the glass in a mock toast. "Gierige Leute," that sounds good. "Seien Sie das erste, zum Ihrer Seele auf dem freien Markt zu verkaufen." There are no images from the game, only illustrations of women in bikinis and stacks of currency everywhere.

Do you:
Buy the game - Result: Gierige Leute
I feel like some farming! - go to #7
Maybe constructing some buildings - go to #9
Dig through the bargain bin - go to #3
I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
I like my games like my bedroom, filled with little plastic people- go to #10
I want to recreate obscure wars nobody remembers - go to #13
 
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9. Board Game: Build or Bust [Average Rating:3.00 Unranked]
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You pull a box from a pyramid shaped pile on the floor. A sweaty Egyptian man holding a whip and crude blueprints yells and points at group of slaves that appear to be building a giant square instead of a pyramid."Dieses doesn' t gehen dort," the box cover says in letters made from tiny bricks. You turn the box over and admire all of the detailed artwork, never noticing your removal of this box has caused a chain reaction that is now raining box after box on you. The weight of the little wooden cubes crush down on your body as though an actual tree had landed on you. The news would later say that it took firefighters using the jaws of life to pry the shopkeeper away from the damaged merchandise.

The End

Result: Crushed by poor construction.
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10. Board Game: Fortress America [Average Rating:6.69 Overall Rank:1342]
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You push past everyone in the shop that has the nerve to get in your way. Your goal in sight, the large, heavily reinforced shelving unit holding the massive coffin-sized boxes you seek! Fingers trembling with the overwhelming need to own each one of these plastic-packed beauties you notice two in particular that cause you to soil yet another pair of underwear.

Do you:
I want explosions! - go to #11
Space, the really big frontier! - go to #12
Dig through the bargain bin - go to #3
I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
I like my games like my bedroom, filled with little plastic people- go to #10
I want to recreate obscure wars nobody remembers - go to #13
 
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11. Board Game: War and Peace [Average Rating:6.67 Overall Rank:2071]
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"You have the re-re-release of 'Blowing things up and shooting them'," you manage to mumble to nobody in particular. Your arms protest under the weight of 45 pounds of plastic and your mind races at the thought of countless hours cutting each of the 4,203 included units from their sprues and the months of painting after that. You figure that your retirement years should allow for the playing time listed, the only time you've ever seen commas used on that part of the box. You figure you can skip your car payment this month to cover the extra cost to bring this beauty home.

Do you:
Buy the game - Result: Blowing things up and shooting them
Space, the really big frontier! - go to #12
Dig through the bargain bin - go to #3
I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
I like my games like my bedroom, filled with little plastic people- go to #10
I want to recreate obscure wars nobody remembers - go to #13
 
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12. Board Game: Space Crusade [Average Rating:6.94 Overall Rank:1068]
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"New 27th edition rules," the box shouts in a cherry red font. You cradle the copy of 'Aliens fighting guys in really big armor' in both hands because the massive box is nearly as large as your kid sister and is much heavier on the left side for some reason. Your sweaty palms leave foggy outlines on the cellophane and you examine in every minute detail of every picture on the the box and visions of hours spent hunched over a workbench staring into a giant magnifying glass fill your mind. 'Average playing time: 4 years.' That sounds right, your last game was in high school and is the main reason you had to go to community college for small engine repair.

Do you:
Buy the game - Result: liens fighting guys in really big armor
I want explosions! - go to #11
Dig through the bargain bin - go to #3
I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
I like my games like my bedroom, filled with little plastic people- go to #10
I want to recreate obscure wars nobody remembers - go to #13
 
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13. Board Game: Darkest December: Battle of the Bulge 1944 [Average Rating:7.59 Overall Rank:7170]
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You make your way to the very back of the store where even light seems hesitant to go. Sitting at a card table covered with a quarter inch of dust are two men in at least their mid 100s. Not certain if they will suddenly spring to life and attempt to devour your youth you shuffle past them to the single shelf of thin boxes bearing various paintings of soldiers going into battle. Most of the boxes vanish into dust when you touch them like vampires suddenly exposed to sunlight, but two of them seem intact.

Do you:
World War II, the best war ever! - go to #14
Real soldiers ride to battle on elephants, sissy boy! - go to #15
Dig through the bargain bin - go to #3
I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
I like my games like my bedroom, filled with little plastic people- go to #10
I want to recreate obscure wars nobody remembers - go to #13
 
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14. Board Game: World War II: European Theater of Operations [Average Rating:7.14 Overall Rank:3708] [Average Rating:7.14 Unranked]
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Yeah, crackin' Nazi heads! That's livin' baby! 'The battle of hill 124b, recreate the epic 4-hour battle that determined the course of that particular week.' Sweet! 'Contains 813 individual units on three sheets of high-gloss card stock, tissue paper map and rulebook.' It's a darned goo thing you just converted your dining room into your new game room using the old garage door as a table. And your wife said it was a stupid idea. Now you just have to find someone to play this with...

Do you:
Buy the game - Result: The battle of hill 124b
Maybe I should look at that other game - go to #15
Dig through the bargain bin - go to #3
I want to look at some Euros - go to #6
I like my games like my bedroom, filled with little plastic people- go to #10
I want to recreate obscure wars nobody remembers - go to #13
 
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15. Board Game: Hannibal Ante Portas [Average Rating:6.00 Unranked]
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'Recreate Hannibal's entire 15 year rule over Italy in real time.' That's not much of a selling point really. 'Fold out, 1/3 scale map of Italy.' Yeah, gonna need some table space for that one and you have a hard enough time folding that map of Chicago back up. You just kind of wadded it into the glove compartment. You try to envision yourself playing this game, but can't stop reliving that movie from a couple years ago and suddenly don't feel very well. You stumble toward the door, your interest in buying games gone, you just want to go home and pull the covers over your head.

The End

Result: Hollywood induced illness
 
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