Shocking Boardgame Headlines
Pat McLaughlin
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Canberra
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The recent geeklist Ban This Sick Filth! - Tabloids bash board games gave me an idea. What if the tabloids decided to write about the abominable goings on inside boardgames? Obviously wargames would be an easy target with their mass destruction of life and limb...but what about some of the more innocent looking Euro games? What nasty depths might the depraved meeples inside these games sink to?

Read on to find out. And of course feel free to write your own Shocking Boardgame Headlines.




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1. Board Game: Puerto Rico [Average Rating:8.05 Overall Rank:16]
Pat McLaughlin
Australia
Canberra
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Illegal tobacco growers exploiting workers

A small group of farmers has been discovered illegally growing tobacco amongst their more legitaimate crops like corn and sugar. The so-called "chop chop" farmers have denied using slave labour and claim the impoverished workers on their farms are legal and willing "colonists". It appears that not only is the illegal crop being sold very profitably on their home island but also being shipped offshore to more lucrative markets.
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2. Board Game: Agricola [Average Rating:8.01 Overall Rank:20]
Pat McLaughlin
Australia
Canberra
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Pig living in family home

A spokeperson from the Department of Community Services yesterday claimed that a rural family is keeping a pig inside their home. After being called to investigate the family following accustations that they were living in squalor, the DOCS officer discovered the family was co-habiting with what appeared to be a large wild boar.

The family went on the defensive immediately saying that they never kept more than one animal in the house at a time. Furthermore they claimed that neighboring families did likewise and one nearby house had a cow living in the bathroom.
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3. Board Game: Tigris & Euphrates [Average Rating:7.71 Overall Rank:72]
Pat McLaughlin
Australia
Canberra
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Factional warlords reject peace

Despite claims of progress toward becoming a democratic state the ancient lands between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers continue to be racked by factional conflict. Some of the territorial and political struggles are obviously driven by external forces but some of the most damaging attacks are what is being described as "Internal Conflicts".

One leader, known locally as "The Bull" recently vowed not to rest until all the lands stolen by "The Archer", "The Lion" and "The Urn" are returned to their rightful owner.


(This is of course a fictitious piece with no bearing on real life...)
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4. Board Game: Nexus Ops [Average Rating:7.23 Overall Rank:356]
 
Chris
United States
Marysville
Pennsylvania
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Though here at journey's end I lie in darkness buried deep, beyond all towers strong and high, beyond all mountains steep, above all shadows rides the Sun, and Stars forever dwell: I will not say the Day is done, nor bid the Stars farewell.
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Rubium Spill Threatens Gulf Wildlife, Economy

After an explosion on the Galactic Syndicate mine in the Liquifungus gulf, residents find their local economies devastated. The Rubium spill threatens all native wildlife, from fungoids to rubium dragons. Volunteers have gathered to the scene to help clean the rubium choked rock striders, while local magma pool fishing operators fear their way of life may be destroyed forever. The Galactic Syndicate's best engineers sit on top of the monolith, trying to figure out a solution.
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5. Board Game: Monopoly [Average Rating:4.39 Overall Rank:16265]
ian o
Canada
Saskatchewan
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Jailhouse Scandal

Prisoners are allowed to walk out of jails based on nothing but a simple piece of paper.
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6. Board Game: Power Grid [Average Rating:7.90 Overall Rank:33]
Luke Morris
England
Faversham
Kent
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Power company admits to not providing power to major cities in order to affect competition
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7. Board Game: Shocking Roulette [Average Rating:5.19 Overall Rank:15020]
Tony Allen
United States
Grand Prairie
Texas
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Duh!
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8. Board Game: Age of Steam [Average Rating:7.70 Overall Rank:119]
Curt Carpenter
United States
Kirkland
Washington
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Racket exposed: Rail-lines deliberately taking inefficient routes to deliver goods.
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9. Board Game: Fischmarkt [Average Rating:6.21 Overall Rank:8907]
Ethidium Bromide
Poland
Wrocław
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On the local market Richard R.(33) tried to sell 4-days-old as they were freshly caught
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10. Board Game: Antiquity [Average Rating:7.89 Overall Rank:197]
Darrell Hanning
United States
Jacksonville
Florida
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We will meet at the Hour of Scampering.
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GRAVES OVERRUNNING TOWN!

CITIZENS DEMAND ACTION - CLAIM COMMUNITY HEALTH AT RISK

"It ain't right", claims owner of local dump.
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11. Board Game: Cyclades [Average Rating:7.53 Overall Rank:139]
Ethidium Bromide
Poland
Wrocław
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Tragedy on Aegean See: A ship full of tourists attacked by a giant kraken
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12. Board Game: Merchant of Venus [Average Rating:7.16 Overall Rank:742]
Doug Mann
United States
Corpus Christi
Texas
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Galactic Traders Run Amok
A small group of space "cowboys" threaten the stability of the galactic economy in the name of free enterprise. Preying on racial and cultural propensities for certain luxury items, these market mavericks buy low and sell high -- often making obscene profits. Perhaps a greater threat is the reinvestment of these profits in orbital stations, for which they charge an exhorbitant 10% surcharge! Not since the unregulated banking crisis of the early 21st century has a situation cried out for regulation!

More insidious, still, is the usage by these market pirates of alien artifacts not tested and regulated by the Galactic Transportation Safety Board. Space Teamsters Local president Buck Ramjet stated, "It's all perfectly legal. We provide a valuable service." Yet the idea of equipping a ship with mulligan gear is repugnant to most adherents of fair play and equal opportunity.

Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox stated, "My staff is studying the problem, and I want to wait for all of the evidence. However, I think it is safe to say that this is something up with which we shall not put!"
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13. Board Game: Space Hulk (third edition) [Average Rating:7.54 Overall Rank:236]
Wolfgang Zelller
Germany
Schramberg
Baden-Württemberg
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Public health department reports:
Growing numbers of space vessels
infested by bugs!


Governmental pest-control workers seem helpless.
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14. Board Game: 1856: Railroading in Upper Canada from 1856 [Average Rating:7.50 Overall Rank:920]
Bill Gallagher
United States
Torrance
California
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SMALL TOWNS REVOLT OVER CANADIAN PACIFIC DECISION TO SHUTTER VILLAGE RAILWAY STATIONS

A number of small towns in the province of Ontario have expressed their displeasure to the Canadian government over the decision of the Canadian Pacific Railway to drop rail service to their communities. It is rumored that several other companies, including the Grand Trunk, Credit Valley, and BBG, are considering following the CPR's lead. A spokesperson for the CPR commented that with the advent of new larger trains (code named '6' trains) and increased demands from stockholders for increased revenue, they can no longer afford to maintain 'whistle stops'.

The government is considering whether to develop its own railway network from the remnants of bankrupt railways (including the London and Port Sarnia, which had a well-developed network near Windsor). With its recently acquired Diesels, it is confident that those small towns can be served.
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15. Board Game: Quo Vadis? [Average Rating:6.44 Overall Rank:1803]
EXTRA AVOCADO! Sonderegger
United States
Folsom
CA
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...the headlamps of your eyes will make them dream.
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BRIBES DEALS AND KICKBACKS: THE SENATE EXPOSED

ACCUSED OF RESTING ON, TRADING OF, LAURELS
ACANTHUS LEAVES, SEVERAL SOON TO FOLLOW.
CAESAR? I HARDLY KNOW'ER.
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16. Board Game: Elk Fest [Average Rating:6.18 Overall Rank:2616]
Ben Bateson
United Kingdom
Ross-on-Wye
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Oi! Hands off...
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Moose Left Stranded on Stepping Stones for Simple Amusement
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17. Board Game: The Wizard of Oz Family Board Game [Average Rating:5.43 Unranked]
Dick Hunt
United States
Orlando
Florida
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Teenage Runaway Kills Two Sisters For a Pair of Shoes!
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18. Board Game: Crokinole [Average Rating:7.78 Overall Rank:76]
Wolfgang Zelller
Germany
Schramberg
Baden-Württemberg
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Chinese boards with wood-imitation surface invade american homes!
Distributor blames evil schemes in asian factory.

Edit: Hmmm... not exactly inside... Feel free to delete the entry if you feel it inappropriate.
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19. Board Game: Old Maid: The Board Game [Average Rating:2.00 Unranked]
Steve Herron
United States
Johnson City
Tennessee
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Never play block wargames with a dentist, they have those little mirrors to peek behind the block.
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ELDERLY WOMAN SHUNNED
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20. Board Game: BANG! [Average Rating:6.53 Overall Rank:1066]
Greg Udvari
Hungary
Budapest
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Miraculous escape from gun attack
A man survived after being shot in the chest three times. He is curretly in intensive care but was all smiles explaining to reporters that he managed to escape only due to his exceptional levels of health. Doctors agreed that just one more bullet would have been fatal. The assailant escaped, but local renegades have been reported to be hunting for him.

Darwin award of the year
A man was killed when a dynamite that he constructed exploded on him. No one else was hurt in the incident.
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21. Board Game: Mission: Red Planet [Average Rating:6.93 Overall Rank:754]
John Cobb
United States
Conway
Arkansas
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Astronaut fatalities traced to corporate competition.
Space program riddled with sabotage, corruption and outright murder." claims law enforcement official.

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22. Board Game: Tales of the Arabian Nights [Average Rating:7.24 Overall Rank:337]
Dan Edelen
United States
Mount Orab
Ohio
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Occult Sex-Change and Human-Animal-Hybrid Rituals Threaten to Destabilize Iraq
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23. Board Game: Race for the Galaxy [Average Rating:7.76 Overall Rank:47]
Greg Udvari
Hungary
Budapest
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Planet with intelligent life forms found!
The great question that mankind has been asking has finally been answered: we are not alone! Human space colonists found a planet inhabited by highly organised people. They informed the human colonials that there are many settled planets nearby which follow their lead; indeed they act as galactic trendsetters towards them.
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24. Board Game: Cockroach Salad [Average Rating:6.15 Overall Rank:2584] [Average Rating:6.15 Unranked]
Dan Edelen
United States
Mount Orab
Ohio
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Board of Health Closes Local Vegan Eatery
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25. Board Game: Catan [Average Rating:7.21 Overall Rank:294] [Average Rating:7.21 Unranked]
Chris Fee
United States
Corning
New York
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No fair! They're using brains against us! We removed our brains to make room for guns and explosives!
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Government Paid Off By Bandit After Military Escorts Them To Enemy Territory
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