The Small Rouge One
Nick Fisk
United Kingdom
Stoke on Trent
Staffordshire
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Inspired by the recent Monty Python list, I thought I'd create a list dedicated to one of the finest sitcoms ever made (and undoubtedly the finest sci-fi sitcom!) ... Red Dwarf.

I'll start with a few favourite quotes, but I'm no doubt forgetting the best ones. Please feel free to add your own.

I know this may not be that well known on the other side of the Atlantic ... if you've never heard of it, I urge you to go looking for it!

For those that don't know, here's a brief overview:

It's set on the Mining Ship Red Dwarf, around 3 million years away from Earth. This is because a major radiation leak wiped out the crew, and so the ship's computer accelerated away from Earth as fast as he could to try and contain the radiation.

The cast is as follows:

Dave Lister - The last human being alive
Arnold Rimmer - A hologram of his dead bunkmate (they don't get on)
Cat - A creature that evolved over 3 million years from Dave's cat, Frankenstein (the Holy Mother)
Holly - The Ship's Computer
and, from season 3 onwards ...
Kryten - A service mechanoid rescued from a crashed ship.

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1. Board Game: Nuclear Escape [Average Rating:5.25 Unranked]
Nick Fisk
United Kingdom
Stoke on Trent
Staffordshire
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Lister: Where is everybody, Hol?

Holly: They're dead, Dave.

Lister: Who is?

Holly: Everybody, Dave.

Lister: What, Captain Hollister?

Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister: What, Todhunter?

Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister: What, Selby?

Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister: Petersen isn't, is he?

Holly: Everybody is dead, Dave.

Lister: Not Chen?

Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes! Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister: Rimmer?

Holly: He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!

Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
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2. Board Game: Arthur Goes to the Library [Average Rating:4.37 Unranked]
Nick Fisk
United Kingdom
Stoke on Trent
Staffordshire
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Lister: How long was I in stasis?

Holly: Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level.

Lister: How long?

Holly: Three million years.

Lister: Three million years?! ... I've still got that library book.
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3. Board Game: Film Frenzy [Average Rating:6.48 Overall Rank:10243]
Nick Fisk
United Kingdom
Stoke on Trent
Staffordshire
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Lister: Oh god, aliens? Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall, it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well.

Rimmer: Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?

Lister: Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?

Rimmer: Just 'cause they're aliens doesn't mean to say they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably do something weird and alienesque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.

Lister: Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema.
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4. Board Game: A Dog's Life [Average Rating:5.54 Overall Rank:12395]
Nick Fisk
United Kingdom
Stoke on Trent
Staffordshire
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Holly: I hope they've got some spare odds and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few supplies.

Lister: Like what?

Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.

Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?

Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.

Lister (staring at his cup of tea): Dog's milk?!

Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.

Lister: Why?

Holly: No bugger'll drink it. Plus the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off it takes exactly the same as when it's fresh.

Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Holly?!

Holly: What, and spoil your tea?
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5. Board Game: Car Capers [Average Rating:3.97 Unranked]
Nick Fisk
United Kingdom
Stoke on Trent
Staffordshire
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Rimmer: The first time ... the very first time was this girl I met at Cadet College. Sandra, she was called. We did it in the back of my brother's car.

Lister: What was it like?

Rimmer: Oh, brilliant. Incredible. Bentley convertible.
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6. Board Game: Billionaire [Average Rating:5.17 Overall Rank:14858]
Nick Fisk
United Kingdom
Stoke on Trent
Staffordshire
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Rimmer: I stand here now and I look at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire, or me, with...... with...... with what I've got.

......

It's you, isn't it? Yes, it's all very clear to me now. You - richer and happier. I should have thought a bit harder about that speech, really. I cocked it up a bit, didn't I?
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7. Board Game: Cat-opoly [Average Rating:4.36 Overall Rank:14713]
Scott A. Reed
United States
Lawrence
Kansas
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Cat: Hey, this is mine. That's mine. All this is mine. I'm claiming all this as mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine. Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something.
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8. Board Game: FemWarriors [Average Rating:1.00 Unranked]
Scott A. Reed
United States
Lawrence
Kansas
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Rimmer: Erm, I think we're losing sight of the real issue here, which is 'What are we gonna call ourselves?' Erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between 'The League Against Salivating Monsters' or my own personal preference, which is 'The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society'. Erm, one drawback with that - the abbreviation is 'CLITORIS'.
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9. Board Game: RoboRally: Crash and Burn [Average Rating:7.79 Unranked] [Average Rating:7.79 Unranked]
Tim Thorp
United States
Granite Falls
Washington
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"Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Come on! I don't got all day! Come on! Come on! Come on you bastard! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? "
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Kryton: Starbug has crashed more times than a ZX 80!
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10. Board Game: The Beer Game [Average Rating:4.92 Unranked]
Larry Vaughn
United States
Ivins
Utah
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LISTER enters, yawning, and goes over to the food machine.

DISPENSER: Good morning. How can I help you?
LISTER: Bonjourno. Um, give me breakfast.
DISPENSER: What would you like?
LISTER: Uh ... chicken vindaloo ... and a milkshake.
DISPENSER: What flavour milkshake?
LISTER: Um ... beer.
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11. Board Game: The Black Hole: Voyage of Fear Game [Average Rating:2.67 Unranked]
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Gainesville
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RIMMER: But a Black Hole's a huge, compacted star! It's millions of miles wide! Why didn't you see it on the radar screen?

HOLLY: Well, the thing about a Black Hole - it's main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, your basic space colour is black. So how are you s'posed to see them?

RIMMER: But five of them! How can you be ambushed by five Black Holes?

HOLLY: Always the way, isn't it? You hang around in Deep Space for three million years and you don't see one. Then, all of a sudden, five all turn up at once.
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12. Board Game: Star Trek Red Alert [Average Rating:6.42 Overall Rank:6717]
Chris Malme
United Kingdom
Peterborough
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Rimmer: Step up to red alert!

Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
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13. Board Game: Loser! [Average Rating:6.12 Unranked]
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Gainesville
Florida
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KRYTEN: Well, where do we go? We don't know who we are -- our memories haven't returned yet.\

ANDY: The _re-cup-er-a-tion_ Lounge. I keep telling you. Blimey! No wonder you only scored four percent. Gaw, what a bunch of twonks.
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14. Board Game: Sex Maniacs [Average Rating:4.02 Unranked]
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Gainesville
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RIMMER: How big's the crew?

CRANE: Just under 2000 -- all top flight personnel.

RIMMER: Hmmm, what a ship!

LIFT: Floor 3125: Sports and sexual recreation.

RIMMER: (Suddenly stops grinning inanely) Sports and what?

CRANE: Sex. Don't you have a sex deck on your ship?

RIMMER: Nnno.

CRANE: Well, what do you do when you want to have sex?

RIMMER: Well... we go for runs. Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid.

CRANE: That's very bad for you. Don't you ever feel tense or frustrated?

RIMMER: Well it's got worse these last ten years or so, I can't deny it.

CRANE: Extraordinary. It's quite different here. In fact, it's a ship regulation that we all have sexual congress at least twice a day. It's a health rule.

RIMMER: Twice a day? That's more than some people manage in a lifetime!

CRANE looks at RIMMER with a kind of angry astonishment.

RIMMER: I mean sad, lonely people. But what happens if you don't have a partner?

CRANE: (Not understanding) If you don't have a partner?

RIMMER: Well I mean some people -- sad, lonely people -- find that that people just aren't attracted to them in that kind of way.

CRANE: I don't understand. Here it is considered the height of bad manners to refuse an offer of sexual coupling.

RIMMER: Well! People have always complemented me on my good manners.
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15. Board Game: Alpha-Bug Soup [Average Rating:4.71 Unranked]
Richard Irving
United States
Salinas
California
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GAZPACHO SOUP!!!!
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16. Board Game: Tango [Average Rating:3.06 Unranked]
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Gainesville
Florida
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CONFIDENCE: Hey, look at that view, Kingo! Me and you, on top of the world! Makes you wanna dance! Cha, cha cha, cha cha cha cha cha cha,...

LISTER: (Finding the disks) Hey, here it is!

CONFIDENCE: Cha, cha cha, cha cha cha cha cha cha,...

LISTER: (Holding a disk box) Did you hear something?

CONFIDENCE: Nope. In space, no one can hear you cha-cha-cha!

LISTER: You don't think Paranoia could've got here first, do you?

CONFIDENCE: Forget him, he's no danger.

LISTER: He smashed up the medical unit.

CONFIDENCE: No, he didn't.

LISTER: What do you mean?

CONFIDENCE: I did!

LISTER: *You* did?

CONFIDENCE: So we can be together, Davey! You don't want to get cured. I did it for you!

LISTER: So where did he go, then?

CONFIDENCE: I killed him. Cha-cha-cha...

LISTER: What do you mean, you "killed him, cha-cha-cha?!"
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17. Board Game: Backwords [Average Rating:4.97 Overall Rank:14107]
Richard Irving
United States
Salinas
California
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"NODLON. 37 SELIM"

"See what did I tell you? We are in Bulgaria."
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18. Board Game: The Secret Door [Average Rating:6.22 Overall Rank:5407]
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United States
Gainesville
Florida
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CAT: (to RIMMER) What IS it?

RIMMER: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.

CAT: (to LISTER) What IS it?

LISTER: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.

CAT: (to RIMMER) What IS it?

RIMMER: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.

CAT: (to LISTER) What IS it?

LISTER: It's a hole back into the past.

CAT: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
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19. Board Game: Mango Tango [Average Rating:5.50 Unranked]
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United States
Gainesville
Florida
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from the theme song...

"Sipping fresh Mango Juice"
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20. Board Game: Aladdin: The Magic Carpet Game [Average Rating:4.70 Unranked]
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United States
Gainesville
Florida
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RIMMER: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! If there is one thing I can't stand it's crazy people.

LISTER: Well we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.

RIMMER: I can't let you out.

LISTER: Why not?

RIMMER: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for ten years.
CAT: Could we see him?

RIMMER: See who?

CAT: The King.

RIMMER: Do you have a magic carpet?

LISTER: Yeah, a little three-seater.

RIMMER: So, let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?! I think that warrants 2 hours of W.O.O.

LISTER: What's W.O.O?

CAT: You had to ask.

RIMMER: With ... out ... oxygen. No oxygen for 2 hours. That will teach you to be bread baskets.
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21. Board Game: Who Stole Ed's Pants? [Average Rating:5.71 Overall Rank:8689]
Josh Luub
United States
San Jose
California
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CAT: OK. I say get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior-birdman the hell out of here.

KRYTEN: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: A) We don't have anyjet-powered rocket pants; and B) There's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial Robbie Rocket Pants.

CAT: Well that's put a crimp an otherwise damn fine plan.
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22. Board Game: Clippers [Average Rating:6.62 Overall Rank:2096]
Nick Fisk
United Kingdom
Stoke on Trent
Staffordshire
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Come on you Seagulls! Sami Hyppia's Blue & White army!
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That's weird. This bit used to mention Shire Games, and tell you all how wonderful we are. But it seems to have got deleted. Let's see what happens this time ....
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"Stoke me a Clipper - I'll be back for Christmas"
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23. Board Game: The Secret Door [Average Rating:6.22 Overall Rank:5407]
Sterling Babcock
United States
Longmont
Colorado
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Winkles is here to help!
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Please let me know how I can help you.
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Trapped in the ship, they come upon a locked door.

KRYTEN: Uh-oh, a door. We'd better use an air vent.
LISTER: No need.
KRYTEN: Sir?
LISTER: Look, I'm gonna do something now, Kryten, that's totally, totally gross. I don't want you to look. Turn around.
KRYTEN: What?
LISTER: Trust me, you don't wanna know!

KRYTEN reluctantly turns around. LISTER pulls the object he picked up earlier out of his jacket: it's a hand. He presses the severed hand to the palm-print device, and the door opens. He puts the hand back in his jacket and turns around. KRYTEN has a sick look of realization on his face.

KRYTEN: Logically, sir, there is only one way you could have possibly have opened that door. I feel quite nauseous. Where is it?
LISTER: Where's what?
KRYTEN: Oh, sir!! You've got it in your jacket!!
LISTER: I got us out of the hold, didn't I?
KRYTEN: Sir, you are sick! You are a sick, sick person! How can you possibly even conceive of such an idea?
LISTER: Cheer up! Or I'll beat you to death with the wet end!
KRYTEN: Sir, if mechanoids could barf, I'd be onto my fifth bag by now. You're a sick person! Sick! Sick!
LISTER: (Overlapping) C'mon, Kryten, let's go! C'mon!
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24. Board Game: Risk [Average Rating:5.58 Overall Rank:14511]
Simon Hunt
United States
Roseville
California
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RIMMER: And then I threw a six and a four!
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25. Board Game: Slamwich [Average Rating:5.06 Overall Rank:15224]
The root of all evil... but you can call me cookie.
United States
Gainesville
Florida
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LISTER: Hol, give us something to eat.

HOLLY: You what? I'm jiggered man.

LISTER: Oh come on. You don't sleep.

HOLLY: Course I do. I've got to offline. I can't keep up my full tilt, full power, red hot, maximum pace all the time. I've got to take the odd breather, haven't I?

RIMMER: I want a triple fried egg sandwich with ...

LISTER: With chili sauce and chutney.

HOLLY: You what?

LISTER: It's a state of the art sarny.

HOLLY: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.
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