Barad-dur Agency for Defence And Strategic Security :
MOST SECRET - EYE ONLY
Subject: Analysis of recent security action in North West Middle Earth region, and recovery of artefact number "one".
While a detailed breakdown of force levels in the various battles will be available through the normal military channels, it is the purpose of the report to consider our overall strategic performance, with particular emphasis on apparent intelligence failings.
1/ Surprise declaration of war.
Our inside knowledge of political process in The North is, to be blunt, non-existent. We had no warning what so ever of their intention to declare war, and the only the chance overhearing of "Fear Fire Foes" by an operative in Bree gave us any information. Our troops were caught in a state of complete demobilisation - barely 250,000 effectives under arms.
The absence of any actual action by the North's forces, while puzzling, does not excuse this lamentable situation.
Recommendation; withdraw all existing agents for crucifixion and corrupt some more men. (See also Report on limitations of Orc species for intelligence gathering)
2/ Appearance of Gondorian King Claimant.
Frankly after 2000 years of research it is profoundly disappointing that this could have been missed. We have received assurances time and again that the "line of Elendil was extinguished", and yet here, in the very hour of a surprise war, a direct lineal descendant claims the crown of Gondor. Furthermore with access to enemy records, it is now clear that he, was sheltered in Imladris - we received no reports. He attempted to cross the mountains by Eagle, again we received no report. He took the kingship in Dol Amroth, despite all predictions this could historically only take place in Minas Arnor.
Recommendation; Our Genealogy department to be terminated with extreme prejudice, and greater funding for the Eriador Census bureau.
(Please also note our observations regarding question 4 of the census; " Are you, or any members of your family, related to the King?")
3/ Siege Operations Eastern Gondor.
This operation appears to have been one of our few untarnished successes. The extensive river-crossing exercises carried out by N1 allowed the attack on Minas Arnor to proceed exactly to plan. Excellent security meant that our secret weapon, the Grond gate-buster was a genuine surprise and no enemy counter measures were available.
Recommendation; more realistic troop exercises following the techniques endorsed by N1 throughout, see His paper -"Why they should be more afraid of you..." and wider deployment of the Grond weapon system.
Interrogation and examination of the three suspects detained on Amon Ereb, have now conclusively proven that they are NOT human children. All creatures appear to be of the species "halfling". The appearance of this as a "new species" after approximately 25,000 millennia seems unlikely, and our research has confirmed reports of similar individuals outside Lothlorien, and stories of the "kingdom of children" in northern Eriador are now being re-evaluated. However an internal memo from N1 during his tenure as Representative for Angmar, dated barely 1300 years ago, clearly shows that we had full knowledge of this species and it's military potential.
Recommendation; Failure to read internal memoranda by any member of the executive should be made a capital offence. Also consideration should be given to forming a Zoological classification and research dept.
5/ Underground security lapses.
Further to the above point, it has become clear that these individuals were part of a mixed race group seen departing Imladris, and several times spotted in the wilderness. This "fellowship" was later detected again at Gladden fields, and can only have crossed the Misty Mountains via Moria. Records show three separate alarms recorded during the period in question, but despite the Garrison being at full alert under "the state of danger of war" provisions, only one intruder was slain.
This complete breach of a high security establishment, shows the folly of relying on such out-dated systems as the Balrog and Watcher combination. Watcher actual took one of the "children" into custody, but they were allowed to escape, and no report was made! We are unclear at this time whether this individual was the same as any of those we now have in the dungeons, however further inquiries are being made. An elf, one Legolas Greenleaf, who was picked up by our Northern garrisons, is assisting the investigation. He may actually have been part of this same group, but appears to have abandoned his companions, in typical elvish fashion, just after their departure from Imladris.
Recommendation; Complete decommissioning of Balrog and Watcher.
6/ Diplomatic contacts.
With the declaration of war by the North, treaty obligations were enforced on Isengard and the forces of Far Harad. While actual mobilization was prompt, far too much reliance was placed on the performance of these low class allied troops. Claims by the White Wizard that Rohan could be overrun with ease , and to have highly placed agents in the government, were shown to be totally unrealistic, leading to the virtually complete extinction of his army and his stronghold. With Minas Arnor in our hands, the Haradrim likewise were expected to be able to complete the occupation of Gondor with minimal effort, yet they were not only destroyed to the last man, but were unable to prevent the Gondorian upstart from advancing offensively into Osgilaith! There is some intelligence to suggest that there were contacts between Harard and Isengard, so these events may not be unrelated. Furthermore, at the time of Sarumans apparent demise, we have reports of a man active in Rohan and Fangorn, also operating under the title "White Wizard". We have been unable to establish conclusively if this was in fact Saruman defecting to the enemy, or some other individual. Certainly his disappearance, and his armies, destruction at the hands of the Ents - of whom he had full knowledge and had previously had dealings - seems a little too convenient.
Recommendation; Further investigation necessary, but as an interim measure we suggest severing all ties with anyone going by the title "wizard", regardless of colour.
7/ Elvish power
War plans clearly called for a final solution to the Lothlorien question, and a more than adequate force was despatched for this mission, yet it seems that somehow they were unable to actually enter the realm. Eye witnesses speak of "a power too great". Even the arrival of N1 - 4 were unable to galvanise the army into action. While we must commend N1's initiative in the diversion to raze the Woodland realm, this inexplicable failure to overwhelm the stated objective bespeaks a terrible failure of discipline.
Recommendations; Random executions until morale improves.
8/ Artefact number One
It has long been taught as an article of faith that artefact one, was lost beyond all recovery. Over reliance on information from Isengard appears to be at least partly to blame ("Rolled into the Sea"). However given it's intimate connection, not only with N1-9, but also with HIM, it is difficult to understand an error of such magnitude going undetected. It is now plain that most of the enemies military posturing was little more than a continent wide deception, designed to provide a distraction from a covert mission to destroy artefact one in Samath Naur! The ultimate frustration of this operation lies almost entirely with diligent work done by the N class reconnaissance teams. As with Point 6 it must be noted that Shelob security and the Black Gate, both proved to be disappointing and expensive failures. While obviously HE is delighted to have recovered Artefact One, we should not blind ourselves to the many failings of security and the closeness of the threat that was posed to our position.
Recommendation; Critical analysis of all official history works. Introduction of a passport and check system at all Mordor entry points. Investment in a door and lock for the cracks of Doom.
P.S. any word on when we might get that pocket-palantir the R&D are always on about??
Very nice :-) Thanks for posting!
Where can i sign up to be a member of "BADASS"???
- Last edited Mon Nov 4, 2013 3:36 pm (Total Number of Edits: 1)
- Posted Mon Nov 4, 2013 3:36 pm
Haha, that was great. Well done!
Dude, this was flat-out hilarous! It has definately improved my day although the folks in the auto service waiting area are a little put off by my high pitched laughter and constant rubbing of tears away. No worries though as I am fairly sure the security cameras are there only for decoration anyway.
Minas Anor (tower of the sun) not 'Arnor' (the name of the northern kingdom. The scribe shall be immediately terminated.
A most excellent report. Very humourous and full of the beaurocratic 'niceties' of Mordor.
It is typical of the underhand, cheating tactics of the so-called 'Free Peoples' to send a small number of thieves to destroy the greatest artifact of Middle-Earth. They have no idea of Modern Managment practicies! I also suggest that the author of the Morder Security Plan be executed to encourage the others.
P.S The use of random punishments was used by the Japanese submarine forcein WW2 to 'improve' morale!