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Subject: TELL ME A STORY, DADDY rss

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David Bush
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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,
“Will you marry me?” The Princess immediately said, “No!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode
motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted
women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to
titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey,
beer and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and
never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders
and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato
chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got
cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and
family thought he was friggin’ cool as hell, and he had tons
of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up. The End.

~ Phil Proctor, Planet Proctor issue 2013-14
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Erik D
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Moshe Callen
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ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε, μοῦσα, πολύτροπον, ὃς μάλα πολλὰ/ πλάγχθη, ἐπεὶ Τροίης ἱερὸν πτολίεθρον ἔπερσεν./...
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μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος/ οὐλομένην, ἣ μυρί᾽ Ἀχαιοῖς ἄλγε᾽ ἔθηκε,/...
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Once upon a time there was a prince. He wasn't charming or handsome but he was so rich that few cared. Unfortunately he had invested large sums in dubious corporations. One day he went broke and so still nobody cared.
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Mystery McMysteryface
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Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and
said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can
prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:

I don't f-ing think so!!!
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Kelsey Rinella
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Sleep, child, and plot my death.
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True Blue Jon
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Once upon a time there was a guy who never married. He died a sad, lonely man.

The End.
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Melface McPuggins
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Once upon a time, a prince asked a beautiful princess

Will you marry me?

The princess said no.

And the princess lived happily ever after

and traveled around the world and met interesting people and learned new stuff

and she hooked up with some cute guys and nobody thought she was a slut

and always put herself first

and went to rock concerts

and no one ever told her to

“Go make a sandwich"

and kept her apartment and all her shoes and never got cheated on, period.

and all her family and friends thought she was f*cking cool as hell

and made tons of money

and the toilet seat was always down

(like its supposed to)

The End

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Kelsey Rinella
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Would this have been better:

Sleep, child, and dream of patricide.

I find myself thinking that sleeping kids don't plot jack, so the first is nonsensical, but the second leaves open the possibility that the dream might not be a desire, which seems less directly creepy.

Anyway, I should probably stop working on my six-word bedtime stories for Halloween.
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True Blue Jon
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zealisee wrote:
Once upon a time, a prince asked a beautiful princess

Will you marry me?

The princess said no.

And the princess lived happily ever after

and traveled around the world and met interesting people and learned new stuff

and she hooked up with some cute guys and nobody thought she was a slut

and always put herself first

and went to rock concerts

and no one ever told her to

“Go make a sandwich"

and kept her apartment and all her shoes and never got cheated on, period.

and all her family and friends thought she was f*cking cool as hell

and made tons of money

and the toilet seat was always down

(like its supposed to)

The End



And she died a sad, lonely woman.
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Keith "Boaty McBoatface" C
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Once upon a time there was a man who thought that everyone should have children and felt the need to try and portray anyone that didn't as sad and lonely. He posted this often on internet forums and made others wonder if he wasn't, in fact, questioning his own life choices and trying to convince himself that he made the right decisions. Eventually his children decided they didn't want to see him any more, put him in a home when he got old, never visited, and he died sad and lonely.
The end.
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Erik D
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Orph wrote:
Once upon a time there was a man who thought that everyone should have children and felt the need to try and portray anyone that didn't as sad and lonely. He posted this often on internet forums and made others wonder if he wasn't, in fact, questioning his own life choices and trying to convince himself that he made the right decisions. Eventually his children decided they didn't want to see him any more, put him in a home when he got old, never visited, and he died sad and lonely.
The end.


But at least the home had plenty of Jell-O.
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Joe Gola
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Ooh! Ooh! My turn!

Once upon a time, a handsome prince asked a beautiful princess to marry him. The beautiful princess declined, however, as she was still pretty young and hot, and she already had plenty of her own golden coaches and emerald scepters and stuff, and it just seemed a little too soon to get tied down to some guy who might turn into the sort of lazy jerk who demanded sandwiches all the time and slapped her ass when she walked between him and the television and that sort of thing.

That evening while she slept a magical purple light suddenly began to shine in the darkness, and when she opened her eyes there was a tiny plump lady sitting at the end of her bed! She had a long golden wand and beautiful butterfly wings growing out of her back. She also had two feathery butterfly antennae growing out of her head, which was a little off-putting.

"Who are you?" asked the hot, plucky princess.

"I am your fairy godmother, child," said the half-butterfly. "When you were born, the West Wind commanded me to look after you, because you were so gentle and so fair."

"Well, I certainly am fair," said the princess, tossing her golden locks in the moonlight.

"Look, you don't have to sell it to me, I already said you were fair," said the fairy godmother.

"Okay, but am I the fairest in the land?" asked the princess.

"How should I know?" replied the fairy godmother. "What am I, a census taker? I haven't met every damn girl in the whole kingdom, you know."

"Fine, whatever, I was just asking," said the princess, feeling a bit irritable now. "Anyhoo, have you come with a message about the handsome prince?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"The handsome prince! David of Beckhamshire! He asked me to marry him!"

"Oh, congratulations!"

"No, wait, I said no."

"Oh, okay."

"So...."

"So what?"

The princess threw up her hands. "Well, obviously I want to know if I made a terrible mistake and would have lived happily ever after, or if I'm going to go on to live a life of sexy adventures and independence and if everyone will think I am cool."

"Oh, I see. Well, let me consult the ORB OF MYSTERY." With that the fairy lady pulled forth a glowing sphere of shining iridescence and gazed deeply into its depths. Her eyes then rolled back into her head and she began to chant the following words:

"Marry or do not marry; it will make no difference. In both futures there is joy and hotness, and in both futures there is disappointment and loneliness. Wherever you go, whatever you do, you will look out from your own two eyes and follow your own footsteps, and at the end of the day, you will be alone in the dark, always. However, the choice to be nice or bitchy about it is within your power to make."

The fairy godmother then disappeared with a lemon-scented poof! and the princess was left to wonder how a magical being could be such a jerk.
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True Blue Jon
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Orph wrote:
Once upon a time there was a man who thought that everyone should have children and felt the need to try and portray anyone that didn't as sad and lonely. He posted this often on internet forums and made others wonder if he wasn't, in fact, questioning his own life choices and trying to convince himself that he made the right decisions. Eventually his children decided they didn't want to see him any more, put him in a home when he got old, never visited, and he died sad and lonely.
The end.


In both stories, they might have had children. I'm commenting on the not marrying.

But visit me after my kid puts me in a home, OK?
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Kelsey Rinella
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quozl wrote:
But visit me after my kid puts me in a home, OK?


Oh, I shall visit. The Black Watcher shall visit such horrors upon thee…

Man, I should really have played The Room 2 in shorter stints.
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Keith "Boaty McBoatface" C
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I was basically just trying to say what Gola said. I only said it my way because I'm a smartass.
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I sense much bitterness coming from this thread.
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Virre Linwendil Annergård
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Once opon a time
a young prince awoke
and dreaming of love
he turned on his radio
and the war come
and he was no more.
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Melface McPuggins
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quozl wrote:


In both stories, they might have had children. I'm commenting on the not marrying.

But visit me after my kid puts me in a home, OK?


Ohohoh wait are we making these about our real life stories cause cause I GOT ANOTHER ONE

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a Princess to marry him. She said no, because it turned out she didn't like Princes. Instead she moved far away to a place she wouldn't be judged and met a Princess even more beautiful than she was.

The Princesses fell in love, and the two Princess got married and lived as Queens together. They played all the games when they wanted, loved each other dearly every day and didn't have to deal with people mucking in their personal and private Queenly business.

And everything was great for everyone, because one person's personal decisions about their love and personal life, especially about something like Marriage, doesn't affect anyone else's but their own. meeple
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Mark Casiglio
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Orph wrote:
I was basically just trying to say what Gola said. I only said it my way because I'm a smartass.


Gola always says it better. It's why we all resent him so.
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True Blue Jon
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zealisee wrote:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a Princess to marry him. She said no, because it turned out she didn't like Princes. Instead she moved far away to a place she wouldn't be judged and met a Princess even more beautiful than she was.

The Princesses fell in love, and the two Princess got married and lived as Queens together. They played all the games when they wanted, loved each other dearly every day and didn't have to deal with people mucking in their personal and private Queenly business.

And everything was great for everyone, because one person's personal decisions about their love and personal life, especially about something like Marriage, doesn't affect anyone else's but their own. meeple


And they didn't die sad and lonely!
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Kelsey Rinella
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zealisee wrote:
And everything was great for everyone, because one person's personal decisions about their love and personal life, especially about something like Marriage, doesn't affect anyone else's but their own. meeple


Seems to have had a pretty significant effect on that poor Prince.
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