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Subject: Kickstarter: Parodies, Jokes, etc. rss

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Chad Egbert
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I've started a list from the comments section on Kickstarter of some of the songs, jokes, etc. that people posted during the amazing run this project had. I only went back a few days in the comments, I know there are many more that could be posted. Please feel free to add your own or favorites you read.
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Chad Egbert
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“Chad E." as myself

(Using his best Scottish accent)
"I am Michael Coe. And I see a whole army of my backers, here in defiance of other Kickstarter projects! You have come to back as free men (and women). And free men (women) you are! What will you do without freedom? Will you back?"
"Two thousand against ten?" a potential backer shouted. "No! We will run - and live!"
"Yes!" Michael Coe shouted back. "Back and you may die. Run and you will live at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here as young men (women) and tell Kickstarter that they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom!"

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Chad Egbert
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By "Kit Warren"

A female elf entered a dating game show. After dating each male, she came back to make her decision.
"The construct was a very boring date. Orc was stupid and a slob. He was truly disgusting. But, the human was fun. we had a lot in common. He made me laugh. Also, we danced all night long. It was wonderful."

Everyone was waiting for her to pick the human for her final date and potentially future husband. When she picked the construct, everyone was shocked.

"But, why?" asked the human. She replied, "You have no job or future plans or ambition. The construct owns his own successful business with long term stable plans. I picked him because I need something a little more Concrete."

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Chad Egbert
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“Matt Kranz"

A halfing had been captured by orcs who wanted to eat him,
so they put him in a boiling pot for several hours.
When they lifted the lid the halfling jumped out and said pleased:
-Ahh that was nice, do you have a towel to spare?

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Chad Egbert
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“Jason Smith"

It's been a beautiful ride in this campaign,
A beautiful ride for a backer,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
It's been a commentslyn ride in this backerwood,
A commentslyn ride for a backer,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

I have always wanted to have a 5th player like you,
I've always wanted to live in a kingdom with you.
So
Thank you for making the most of this beautiful ride,
Since we're together, we might as well say,

Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my backer?

Won't you please,
Won't you please,
Please won't you be my backer?

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Chad Egbert
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“Jason Smith"

Fourscore and twenty one stretch goals ago, Gamelyn brought forth on this kickstarter, a new kingdom, conceived with 4x's, and dedicated to the proposition that all factions are created equal

I have a dream that one day this kingdom will rise up and live out the true meaning of epic: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all factions are created equal."

Let every territory know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pledge any price, bear any resource, meet any hardship, support any backer, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and the success of the kingdom.

This much we pledge -- and more.

For this is one small step for 4x games, One giant leap for gamers everywhere

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Chad Egbert
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“Jason Smith"

Orc, Orc Baby! Orc, Orc Baby!
All right stop, cohabitate and listen.
Gamelyn is back with a brand new invention.
TEK grabs a hold of me tigtly.
Flow like a 4x game daily and nightly.
Will the funding ever stop? Yo - I hope not.
Turn off the lights at $350k and now my game glows.
To the extreme I rock a construct like a vandal.
Light up Ahlfors (teritory) and wax a goblin like a candle!
Orc, Orc Baby! Orc, Orc Baby!

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Chad Egbert
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“Mike T."

(parody of war pigs)
now in ruins, tek reins all 'round
as you hear the goblins fall down
no more war orcs of the power
hand of tek has struck the hour
vp judgement, players calling
on the tables the war orcs patroling
moving meeples for their kings
valkyrie will spread their wings...Oh lord, yeah!

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Chad Egbert
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“Chad E." as myself (some Chuck Norris references)

TEK be nimble, TEK be quick.....TEK can dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Some people wear Superman pajamas........Superman wears TEK pajamas.

TEK was what Willis was talking about.

TEK can win a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

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Chad Egbert
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“Jason Smith" (Some Chuck Norris references)

TEK doesn't back Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris backs TEK

TEK doesn't call the wrong number, YOU answer the wrong phone

TEK counted to infinity twice

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Chad Egbert
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“Rainer Ahlfors"

Once there was this kid who
Got into a Kickstarter and couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
His money spent on Deluxe TEK pledge
He said that it was by far
The most epic in the world

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Chad Egbert
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“Chad E." as myself

(Another One Bites the Dust)
Michael Coe walks warily down the street
With the brim pulled way down low
Ain’t no sound but the sound of his feet
Meeples and Dice ready to go
Are you ready, are you ready for this
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat
Out of his hands the dice roll
To the sound of the beat
Another goal bites the dust
Another goal bites the dust
And another goal gone, and another goal gone
Another goal bites the dust
Hey TEK is gonna get you too
Another goal bites the dust

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Chad Egbert
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“Gregory Hingle"

Young Boy: "Whats that? Do you see that giant dust cloud on the horizon?"
Wise Old Man: "So the TEK prophecy is true..."
Young Boy: "I thought you said that that TEK was only a legend?"
Wise Old Man: "It seems that it is more real than we could have ever imagined"
Young Boy: "So that means...that the dust cloud is nearly 8,000 TEK fans charging in our direction on their path on world domination...Should we move out of the way?"
Wise Old Man: "Its too late for that boy. Put on your Gamelyn Armor and follow the one they call Jason the Great Pink Tutu"
Both: "FOR GAMELYN! FOR GLOOORY!!!!!!!"

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Criswell Weatherman
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Always after me lucky charms - purple meeples, green stars, yellow corn, red ore
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Criswell Weatherman
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EPIC - get back. Share it fairly but don't get stuck at customs. EPIC - But if you ask for a stretch goal, it's no surprise that they're giving none away, away, away, away, away

So, so you think you can tell Cities from Ruins, blue mana from food. Can you tell a green forest from a cold steel mountain? A tower from a meeple? Do you think you can tell?

[Boy:] On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the dwarf with the red roses? [Girl:] Will he offer me his hammer? [Boy:] Yes. [Girl:] Will he offer me his anvil? [Boy:] Yes. [Girl:] Will he offer me his lantern? [Boy:] Yes. [Girl:] Again, will he offer me his lantern? [Boy:] Yes! [Girl:]And will he starve without me? [Boy:] Yes! [Girl:] And does he love me? [Boy:] Yes. [Girl:] Yes. [Boy:] On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the dwarf with the red roses? [Girl:] Yes. [Boy:] I bet you say that to all the boys!

STOP RIGHT THERE!
I GOTTA KNOW RIGHT NOW!
Before we go any further will you back me?
Will you back me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy and not ever be lame? *
Will you take me away? Will you make me your game?
I gotta know right now, before we go any further,
Will ya back me? Will ya back me forever?
.
Lemme sleep on it, baby, baby, lemme sleep on it. I'll give you an answer in the morning.
.
I GOTTA KNOW RIGHT NOW!
Will ya back me? Will ya back me forever?
Do ya need me? Will ya never leave me?
Will ya make me so happy and not ever be lame? *
Will ya take me away? Will ya make me your game?
I GOTTA KNOW RIGHT NOW BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER WILL YA BACK ME? WILL YA BACK ME FOREVER?

* The original line that I wrote was improved by Mike T
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blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots
and ruined your tower stair
the last one to go, the last one to show
I was the short one you forgot with flare
and I saw the surprise and the fear in his eyes
when I took his one last resource
and bid war on you, said "centaur, you're almost through"
and you'll be another dead horse.....
'cause I've got Orcs in low places
where the meeples play and the faction races, in the TEK-lyn
I'm not big on water races, think I'll quest on down, to region spaces
Oh I've got Orcs in low places
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hey where did we go
hours when the game came?
crowd with a halla
playing a new game
voting and promoting, hey hey
typing and a-idea-ing
with a sleepy nighttime eye
with our hearts a-thumping and you,
our purple tek
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Kit Warren
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The Halfling was in the market square telling really bad jokes, all about food. The Valkyrie turned to the Dark Elf and said, "That last one was really corny!"

=====

A female elf entered a dating game show. After dating each male, she came back to make her decision. "The construct was a very boring date. Orc was stupid and a slob. He was truly disgusting. But, the human was fun. we had a lot in common. He made me laugh. Also, we danced all night long. It was wonderful." Everyone was waiting for her to pick the human for her final date and potentially future husband. When she picked the construct, everyone was shocked. "But, why?" asked the human. She replied, "You have no job or future plans or ambition. The construct owns his own successful business with long term stable plans. I picked him because I need something a little more Concrete."

=====

A member of all the factions entered a poker tournament. At the final table, only the Human and Undead were left. Every time the Undead tried to bluff, the Human would raise. It was like the Human could see right through the Undead.

=====

The Dark Elf walked into the Tavern and ordered the Tiny Epic Kombo Deluxe. When the food came out, the Orc, Goblin, and Mermaid at the next table started to drool at the massive spread. You could say they were green with envy.

=====

What do you call it when a Knight requests food at the Tavern? Order of Gamelyn

=====

A Shape shifter walked down the street and turned into a store.

=====

How does a small opportunistic faction win a Pie eating contest? By Goblin

=====

A member of each faction wanted to compete by throwing coins against the Tower wall, The closest coin to the wall wins. The Orc and Contruct threw way to hard. The Human was close. But, the smallest of the factions got it right up to the wall every time. The contest went several rounds with the smallest of the faction touching the wall every time eventually winning everyone's coins. The other factions asked about his technic. He say, "It takes a Half Fling!"

=====

All the factions entered a Basketball contest. One by one, they were all eliminated with the Centaurs dominating everyone to finally win. When asked how they got so good, they replied, "We play a lot of HORSE."

=====

The Bard was trying to find out if anyone from the factions had any musical talent. The Lizardman stepped forward and said, "I can do scales."

=====

A member of each faction joined a drinking contest. One by one they dropped out until only a Dwarf, Ogre, and Undead remained. The hours turned to days until finally the Dwarf and Ogre passed out. The Undead was declared the winner. From that day for people would look at him and say, "That guy has a hollow leg!"

=====

Two guards were walking patrol when they spotted a Mermaid acting strange. She was sneaking around from building to building, putting things in her sack, and trying to hide from people. One guard says, "We need to check this out." The other replied, "Why? She is just acting Fishy."

=====

A Construct was trying to siege a castle. He charged head first into the wooden gate. He fell down dazed without doing so much as a scratch to the gate. The two guards look at each other then the Construct. The Construct got up backed up and repeated the process with the same result. For an hour, he continued to repeat the process until he was knocked unconscious. "I guess that is the end of that." said one of the guards. Amazingly, when the Construct awoke he started again. "What is with this guy?" said the guard. The other guard replied, "I guess he is hard headed."

=====

A Centaur, a Dark Elf, and a Construct entered an archery contest. The Centaur went first and hit a perfect bullseye piercing the targets center. The Dark Elf went next splitting the Centaur's arrow and piercing even farther into the target. The Construct grunted as he threw a rock which struck the previous arrows and fell to the ground. He was disqualified since it did not stick. I guess you could say he didn't get the point of the competition.

=====

Two Baslisk slither into a Bar and look longingly into each others eyes.

=====

Michael was counting the representatives of the factions and kept coming up one short. He realized there was no member of the Order of Gamelyn. The Dark Elf spoke up and said, "They only come out at Knight!"

=====

All the factions entered a swimming contest. The Valkerie won easily. Some say she really flew. The construct lost. Most say he sunk like a rock.

=====

The Merman was doing research. When he published his work, the experts found he had no clue what he was doing and was completely on the wrong track. I guess you could say he was all wet.

=====

Where do the small legendary poems Rule?

Tiny Epic Kingdoms

=====

An undead was walking very slowly into the tavern after a very long day of work. Tavern master asked, "Are you okay?" The Undead replied, "Yes, I am just dead tired."

=====

A satyr is walking along the road when a Human pulls up in a horse pulled wagon. "Hey do you need a ride?", asks the Human The Satyr replied, "Nah! I prefer to hoof it."

=====

A centaur is running around like mad, tapping people, kicking up grass, and generally acting silly. "What are you doing?" the human asks. The Centaur replied, "Just Horsing around."

=====

If a magical forest creature takes a self portrait, do you call them Elfies?

=====

Why was the Construct so proud after his 6 build in TEK? He towered above all his opponents.

=====

Why did it take all day for the Shapeshifter to pick out a hat to buy? He kept changing his mind.

=====

Why was the Hafling, Dwarf, and Goblin all refused service in the Tavern? When it comes time to pay, they are always a bit short.

=====

Parr, the Human, went to several markets, a tavern, and finally home. His buddy. Hejust, the halfling, who has not been feeling well, arrived everywhere five minutes after the Human left. It seems Hejust has not been up to Parr all day.

=====

How many Merfolk does it take to light a torch? Unknown. No one has ever successfully lit a torch underwater.
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Marty McFly
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How did Michael know that Brittany would fall for him? Because he is a Date Knight!

=====

Why didn't Rudolph back TEK? Because they wouldn't let him play any Rainer games.

=====

What do you call a Halfling that gains weight? A mini-expansion.

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I tried to toss my ore to the top of the tower, but it didn't make it. I guess I only gave it a half fling.

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If an Elf and an Undead had a baby, what would it be? A Dark, Darker, Darkest Elf.

=====

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ore.
Ore who?
Orcs are coming! Orcs are coming!

=====

What do you call an evening of Dungeon Heroes, Fantasy Frontier, and Tiny Epic Kingdoms? A Gamelyn night.

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"We can dig ourselves out of any hole." -Halfling proverb

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What's black and white and red all over? Lizardmen in a 1940's gangster movie.

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What do you call two Halflings sitting in the dark? A black whole.

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How many Shapeshifters does it take to change a torch? Two. One to change the torch, and one to be the torch.

=====

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Satyr.
Satyr who?
Satyr butt down on that barstool...right next to that Centaur.
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Sir Bay

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Twisted Sister "I Wanna Rock"

I wanna play TEK!
TEK!!!
I wanna at TEK!
TEK!!!
Stop playing you say,
But time an time again when you tell me not to play, I say NO!!!!
No, no, no, no, nooooo!
Put that game away.
But once again I say NO!!!!!
No, no, no, no, nooooo!
So if you ask me why I like to at this game,
There's only one thing that I can say to you.
I wanna play TEK!
TEK!!!
I wanna play TEK!
TEM!!!
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Sir Bay

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Biblical, think Iron Maiden The Number of the Beast.

Woa to thee oh BGG,
For Kickstarter sends a game with wrath,
Because the backers know that time is short.
Let him who hath understanding,
Reckon the name of the game.
For it is a human name.
It's name is T.E.K.
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Kit Warren
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If a small peaceful person does an action over and over again without thinking, is it called a Hobbit?
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Kit Warren
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A Human and a Treant walked out of the Forest into a clearing where they stopped to see a massive army of termites heading straight for them. As the Human turned to move away, he saw the Treant wasn't moving. "Are you okay? You seem a bit stiff.", he says. The Treant replied, "I am petrified!"
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Kit Warren
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I was walking along with a very large Construct named Terri. As we walked, he told me all about himself and his views. He is a big supporter of the British Conservative Party. Shortly after he told me this, we reached a chasm separating two countries. Since it was too wide for me to jump, the huge Construct fell forward and grabbed the other side to make a bridge. When I reached the other side, I thought. Did I just use a Constructed bridge or cross a Territory?
 
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Kit Warren
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I was sitting in a Tavern drinking and waiting for someone to play TEK (Deluxe edition, of course). Rainer comes in, waves, and heads to take a seat at my table. "Rainer Ahlfors!" yells the room of patrons. A short time later Michael comes in, waves, and heads to take a seat at my table. "Michael Coe!" yells the room of patrons. After a few more minutes, a Treant comes in, waves, and heads to take a seat at my table. Halfway to my table, he trips and starts to fall as the room full of patrons yell, "Tim Ber!"

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All the factions entered a contest to build the best modular home. The judge walked from home to home carrying a box. At each house, she would open the box on the inside and wave it around. Then, she would move on. When she returned to the podium, she opened the box whispered in it, looked up to the crowd and announced the Elves as the winners. "It was a great contest. But, it came down to the interior wall covering." she said. When question about the box, she opened it to reveal a colony of termites sitting on a plank of wood. It was her panel of experts.

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The Orc was arrested for stealing wood from a construction site. Later, it was discovered he was set up. You could say he was framed.

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The Halfling was trying to build his wood tower. Every time he reached for the base piece he fell over. The human asked if he was alright. the Halfling replied, "Yes. But, for some reason I just can't seem to get my footing."

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Some of the upgrade tokens broke off into a separate group. Some call it a splinter cell.

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The upgrades are too scary. I am petrified with fear. Otherwise, I wood do a joke about them.

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I should do more wood jokes. But, I can knot think of any more.

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A new race of creatures suddenly appeared in the Kingdom. This new race was so strange all the other races took pain staking steps to avoid the truths about the new race and even their existence. Yes! The Kingdom had a new Faction; or, is it a Fact Shun?
 
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