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Subject: 25 Jokes You're Probably Not Too Stupid to Understand rss

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Eric "Shippy McShipperson" Mowrer
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RSP, you're a bunch of immature, hysterical, racist, hipster, arrogant, sexist, judgmental, overly-sensitive, rude and offensive libtard jackasses. But the one thing I can count on you to be is smart. Maybe this will make you smile. Maybe it will give you material for a harangue you've been working on. Either way, enjoy!

http://www.sickchirpse.com/25-jokes-youre-probably-too-stupi...

Some of these made me cringe and some of them actually made me chuckle.

Quote:


1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Oh, and they forgot the classic:

An atom says to his friend "I've lost an electron". The friend says "are you sure?" to which the atom replies "Yes, I'm positive."
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Xander Fulton
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I LOL'd at #10.

Edit: Okay, REALLY LOL'd at #25, because...well, yeah, I mean, obviously...
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Boaty McBoatface
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Got most of them (I am only slightly stupid) and found most of the unfunny, but yes 25 was amusing.
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There is always 1 fewer monkeys in programing then you need.
 
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Eric "Shippy McShipperson" Mowrer
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ejmowrer wrote:
RSP, you're a bunch of immature, hysterical, racist, hipster, arrogant, sexist, judgmental, overly-sensitive, rude and offensive libtard jackasses. But the one thing I can count on you to be is smart. Maybe this will make you smile. Maybe it will give you material for a harangue you've been working on. Either way, enjoy!

http://www.sickchirpse.com/25-jokes-youre-probably-too-stupi...

Some of these made me cringe and some of them actually made me chuckle.

Quote:


1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Oh, and they forgot the classic:

An atom says to his friend "I've lost an electron". The friend says "are you sure?" to which the atom replies "Yes, I'm positive."

I actually don't get 24, 23, 16 and 5 anyone care to explain them to me?

Oh, and 2.

Edit: OK, I get 24.
 
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ejmowrer wrote:
ejmowrer wrote:
RSP, you're a bunch of immature, hysterical, racist, hipster, arrogant, sexist, judgmental, overly-sensitive, rude and offensive libtard jackasses. But the one thing I can count on you to be is smart. Maybe this will make you smile. Maybe it will give you material for a harangue you've been working on. Either way, enjoy!

http://www.sickchirpse.com/25-jokes-youre-probably-too-stupi...

Some of these made me cringe and some of them actually made me chuckle.

Quote:


1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Oh, and they forgot the classic:

An atom says to his friend "I've lost an electron". The friend says "are you sure?" to which the atom replies "Yes, I'm positive."

I actually don't get 24, 23, 16 and 5 anyone care to explain them to me?

Oh, and 2.
5, Uncertainty principle. You cannot measure both it's speed and location at the same time.
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Xander Fulton
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Reminds me of another one that might fit:

"The first rule of Tautology Club...is the first rule of Tautology Club"
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Brian M
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Quote:
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None - just have software code around it.
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Chris White
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Nice; I've heard a lot of these before.

I don't get #4, can anyone explain?
 
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traininthedistance wrote:
Nice; I've heard a lot of these before.

I don't get #4, can anyone explain?
It's all a bit query to me.
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traininthedistance wrote:
I don't get #4, can anyone explain?

Networking runs in data blobs called TCP packets. When data is received, a check occurs where it echos back to the source, and then the source verifies that the check was correct.
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traininthedistance wrote:
Nice; I've heard a lot of these before.

I don't get #4, can anyone explain?

The TCP protocol is that a computer sends a packet (a message) and then the receiver sends back an acknowledgement packet to let the sender know it has received the message. If one of the packets is never received (a dropped packet), the receiver sends a reply back asking for a retransmission of that packet. The receiver knows it is missing a packet because each message includes a sequence number. So if the receiver gets packet 1 and then packet 3 it knows message 2 is missing. The retransmission packet will also be acknowledged when received by sending back a acknowledgement packet.

It isn't a very good joke really and my explanation may not be real clear, but I think that is what the joke was based on.
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traininthedistance wrote:
Nice; I've heard a lot of these before.

I don't get #4, can anyone explain?

This is the problem with using a broadcast TCP address, you get three replies.
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ejmowrer wrote:
ejmowrer wrote:
RSP, you're a bunch of immature, hysterical, racist, hipster, arrogant, sexist, judgmental, overly-sensitive, rude and offensive libtard jackasses. But the one thing I can count on you to be is smart. Maybe this will make you smile. Maybe it will give you material for a harangue you've been working on. Either way, enjoy!

http://www.sickchirpse.com/25-jokes-youre-probably-too-stupi...

Some of these made me cringe and some of them actually made me chuckle.

Quote:


1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Oh, and they forgot the classic:

An atom says to his friend "I've lost an electron". The friend says "are you sure?" to which the atom replies "Yes, I'm positive."

I actually don't get 24, 23, 16 and 5 anyone care to explain them to me?

Oh, and 2.

Edit: OK, I get 24.

Solipsism (roughly) involves the belief that you are the only entity. So It's always just you. Slater's got 5. 16 plays with the fact that Einstein blew up the idea of absolute location. Since everything is relative, the student used the train as his frame of reference. Everything not on the train (including Boston) is moving relative to it. So the question imports one of Einstein's fundamental insights.

For 23, Sartre presumably gives a lot of attention to absences as important to defining experiences. For example, it's accurate for me to describe myself as an atheist, but it may well be more informative to describe me as a former Catholic, because what it means to be an atheist is intimately bound up in choosing not to be Catholic--that's the salient difference. I'm inferring from the joke that Sartre paid a lot of attention to alternatives in defining the nature of things, so, to him, the foregone opportunity to add cream is important. You can imagine someone on a diet who wants to affirm the importance of the diet caring deeply about avoiding cream, but caring less about avoiding milk.

In 24, the conversation sounds almost like, "You rip these?" "Yes. You mend these?"

It's also possible you got them but don't appreciate humor which merely references itself in an oblique way.
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4 isn't fully accurate - it mirrors the 3-way handshake used to establish a session (i.e. exactly what bjlillo said), which is performed prior the the first data packet being sent.

Still funny though


I like the Satre one.

To Satre, it's not necessarily the same cup of coffee is it is to the waitress, and her response captures that distinction between subjective/objective.
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Vapix wrote:
4 isn't fully accurate
nor is 9
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slatersteven wrote:
traininthedistance wrote:
Nice; I've heard a lot of these before.

I don't get #4, can anyone explain?
It's all a bit query to me.

SYN, SYN-ACK, ACK

The joke plays on the three-way handshake a TCP packet goes through when transmitting across a network.

Edit: wow, I was way late to the party due to latency caused by being distracted by my job. ninja Troubleshooting now.
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Vapix wrote:
4 isn't fully accurate - it mirrors the 3-way handshake used to establish a session (i.e. exactly what bjlillo said), which is performed prior the the first data packet being sent.

Still funny though

It makes the joke better if you think about it that way, I'm still not convinced that it is funny though.
 
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bjlillo wrote:
So, 22?
Mandelbrot was into fractals
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22. Mandelbrot set is self-similar as you drill down.

@sfox
Funny of you see it immediately in the context of an "entering a bar" joke. I guess it's not funny if you haven't been on a TCP class because you get the two parts separately.
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bjlillo wrote:
So, 22?

Mandelbrot is a pioneer of fractals, in which an infinite repeating subset occurs.
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bjlillo wrote:
So, 22?

Expand the B, and then expand it again, and again like thus:

Benoit Benoit Benoit Benoit B... Mandelbrot Mandelbrot Mandelbrot Mandelbrot

It's a fractal. Like the Mandelbrot set.
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I've always heard 7 as surrealistic poets. That makes it funnier.
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49xjohn wrote:

I've always heard 7 as surrealistic poets. That makes it funnier.

I have seen several variants of this one, but all leave me wondering why they can't just make do with the light from the burning giraffes.
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The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
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  • [+] Dice rolls
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