Nathan Jensen
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I just finished the rules for my game Pioneers and I need some other eyes to look them over. Grammar isnt my strongsuit. Any advice or questions on the rules or game are welcome. I have the pnp and some of the art done, I am just waiting to get these rules proofread before I release them. Thanks!

I obviously realize they are not pretty yet but here is the link to the doc.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jKkh5VWSpqt3UQHKVNCWUMpy...
 
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Filip W.
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I'd be happy to do it, although I've got a lot on my table right now. If you could wait until the end of next week I can put you in my queue. Drop me a PM if you're interested.
 
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John James
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I read them and no glaring issues stood out to me. I would have to read them again to really understand the game though.

*re-reading*

"Draw three cards" Which card? There are multiple piles. Says up top about the main draw deck but it wouldn't hurt to reiterate.

I'm a little fuzzy on the role of the 'travel decks'. If I had the cards to look through maybe it would be more obvious but just reading the rules I don't see an explanation on how they interact.
 
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Ryan James
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Professor, isn't it time for your nap?
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You definitely need page numbers, but here's what I saw on the first page at a glance.


Maybe a comma instead of a period here:

"...time of the farmer. But because"


You don't need a comma between journey and out west:

"...these people decided to make the 2,000 mile journey, out west."


This line should probably read:

"After six months of traveling through sickness,"

instead of

"After 6 months of traveling, through sickness, "


In the summary you have a space between the last word and the period:

"...looking out for your party ."


The objective is a little awkward...maybe something like this:

Objective
Be the first to reach the last city while having more party members than other players to win!


Not entirely sure what you mean by "spend supply:"

"When you use an action or spend supply, discard them."


Not a huge thing but usually numbers smaller than 10 are written out.


You capitalize "Tier" in one instance, but the rest are lower case. Also at the very end, you have a comma instead of a period:

"Five tier 1 cities (pink), Five tier 2 cities (orange), Five Tier 3 cities (purple), five small rivers, five large rivers,"


I don't think you need the word "finally" here:

"...large river and finally a purple city." Taking that out will necessitate a comma after "large river."


This sentence reads awkwardly due to the "and does not reveal the outcomes" part. Maybe change the wording:

"Then place the large rivers on top of the cities so the side that says large river, and does not reveal the outcomes, is facing up."


An extra "the" is in this awkward sentence:

"Then place the the orange city, then the small river and finally the pink city."

Maybe say: "Place the orange city, the small river, and then the pink city."
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Nat Levan
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I didn't make any corrections but a few things stood out to me.
Use symbols or images in addition to colors to help differentiate the decks.
Instead of different back colors, maybe the various levels of travel deck can be the same color with different numbers (like mileage: 400,800,1200, 1600, 2000 miles). Then you can say more simply, discard any travel cards once all players have reached the same mileage.
And make sure you're consistent with language and terminology. For something like the "Pressing Times" deck, I would capitalize it, underline it, or otherwise denote that it is a special term. Anything that gets a special explanation in the rules is important enough for special typography, in my book.
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kathy tuschhoff
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what others have said as well as in your diagram, specifically the 2nd one that shows the card placement on the table, you mention the Green deck, Supply/Action, but don't show it.

 
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Ryan James
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This is from page 2.

"Each card has a description of their special ability and a number in the bottom right hand corner."

Are both the description AND the number in the bottom right hand corner? That's what this sentence implies. If not, you'd want to say something like:

"Each card has a description of its special ability. In the bottom right hand corner there is a number."


Page 3

You've now started spelling out numbers for the small numbers. You should be consistent and do it throughout the entire rulebook.


I would insert a comma after the first word of this sentence. Also you used the word "you" a bit too much. Consider rewording:

"If at any time, you lose all of your party members (not including the party leader), you can’t continue the journey on your own and you are out of the game."


I would add a comma before "if applicable:"

"2. Take an action by playing an action card or using your party leader ability if applicable."


Do you want to capitalize the word "Draw" here?

"Each time you travel to a city, Draw an Event."


This just seems a bit awkward:

"Taking your turn
At the bottom right corner of your party leader card is a number. The player who has the highest number goes first, then the game continues clockwise from them."

Maybe something like:

Taking your turn
Your party leader card has a number in the bottom right hand corner. The player with the highest number goes first and the game continues clockwise from there."

Maybe say

"Note that action cards will specifically say "Action" at the top.

instead of

"Note: action cards will specifically say action at the top."


This entire thing is a bit confusing:

"3.Travel: You may travel once a turn, to a city or river if you are able. You must travel in order, first to a pink city, then across a small river, then orange city, then across the large river and finally to the purple city. But you do not have to keep traveling to the same deck on the table. Once you travel to a city or river, place that card next to your party face up."

How about something more like:

3. Travel: You may travel, once a turn and if you are able, to a city or river. Traveling must happen in a specific order:

A. Pink City
B. Across a Small River
C. Orange City
D. Across a Large River
E. Purple City

You do not have to keep traveling to the same deck on the table. Once you travel to a city or a river, place that card face up next to your party.


Page 4

You capitalize "Event" in the first sentence, but not in the next sentence, even though they're the same thing. Also you should probably capitalize "Pressing Times."

"After you travel to a city, draw an Event card. Or you may draw a pressing times card instead of an event, when traveling to a city, in order to spend two less supply cost of your choice."


You have a square box explaining what caulking is. "Water tight" should be one word.


This paragraph needs reworking:

"To travel across a river you must decide how to cross it: Caulk, ford or ferry. Crossing the river is sometimes risky; both caulking and fording could be dangerous. You may make it safely across or face misfortune.
To avoid chance of setback, pay the required supply to take the ferry."

I would say something like:

"To travel across a river, you must first decide how to cross. You can Caulk, Ford, or Ferry. Crossing the river can be risky, as both Caulking and Fording are dangerous. To make it across safely, and avoid misfortune, pay the required supply to take the Ferry."

I capitalized Caulk, Ford, and Ferry because they seem like actions. That may be incorrect.


I would say "and then" here:

"Once you have made your decision, announce what you have chosen then flip over the card and read the results out loud. If you pay to take the ferry, you always make it across safely."


More awkwardness. Consider rewording. Also you need a possessive apostrophe in "decks":

"When all players have traveled to the first city, so there is only one travel deck with the first city still on it, discard that decks city card. Continue to discard the top card of the deck that falls behind the last player to travel to a city or river. This should always give the person in last place at least two decks to choose from."


Again, decide whether or not you are going to capitalize "Event" and "Pressing Times" and make sure you are consistent:

"During the course of the game you will be prompted to draw an event or pressing times card from time to time..."


Department of redundancy department:

"Note: At the end of your turn you may only have ten cards in your hand. You must discard to bring your hand down to ten at the end of your turn."

Probably should say something more like:

Note: At the end of your turn you must discard down so that you have no more than ten cards in your hand.


Comma before "wins:"

"The person who has reached the final city with the most party members alive wins."


These are just suggestions of mine. Take them or don't!

Good luck!
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Liam
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I've opted to look at your thematic opening paragraph/background:

Quote:
The Mid-1800’s in the United States was the time of the farmer and the colonisation of the West. People attempted the 2,000 mile journey west for different reasons, be it the simple promise of farmland, to escape religious persecution or the rumours of gold. Some traveled with wagon and handcart to transport their belongings others walked with little more than the cloth on their backs. Traveling for half a year through sickness, starvation, exhaustion and trials of the trail many died along the way but others survived and were able to realise their dreams.. all dreamed of great expectations of freedom and prosperity. These people were the great American Pioneers.


hmmm I still think it needs more polishing but here is my suggestion:

In the United States, the Mid-1800’s were the time of the farmer* and the colonisation of the West. Those that embarked on/attempted the 2,000 mile journey west did so for different reasons, be it the simple promise of farmland, to escape religious persecution, a sense of adventure or the rumours of gold. Some traveled with wagon and handcart to transport their belongings, others walked with little more than the cloth on their backs. Traveling for half a year through sickness, starvation, exhaustion and trials of the trail many perished along the way but others survived and were able to realise their dreams... all dreamed with great expectations of freedom and prosperity. These people were the great American Pioneers.

(Is farmer the correct description?)
 
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Nathan Jensen
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I will have to read these later, just wanted to say thanks for all the replies! This will give me some work to do
Thanks
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Scott Siedschlag
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Sandmanx82 wrote:
I don't think you need the word "finally" here:

"...large river and finally a purple city." Taking that out will necessitate a comma after "large river."

Actually Ryan, industry Standard Technical English (STE) does not require a comma following the word river (i.e. "...large river and a purple city.") I don't know if board games should follow STE rules, but that is the industry standard for publications and instructions. That took me a while to get over because I was taught using the example you provided. I still type it in error from time to time.
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Scott Siedschlag
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monkeyhandz wrote:
I've opted to look at your thematic opening paragraph/background:

Quote:
The Mid-1800’s in the United States was the time of the farmer and the colonisation of the West. People attempted the 2,000 mile journey west for different reasons, be it the simple promise of farmland, to escape religious persecution or the rumours of gold. Some traveled with wagon and handcart to transport their belongings others walked with little more than the cloth on their backs. Traveling for half a year through sickness, starvation, exhaustion and trials of the trail many died along the way but others survived and were able to realise their dreams.. all dreamed of great expectations of freedom and prosperity. These people were the great American Pioneers.


hmmm I still think it needs more polishing but here is my suggestion:

In the United States, the Mid-1800’s were the time of the farmer* and the colonisation of the West. Those that embarked on/attempted the 2,000 mile journey west did so for different reasons, be it the simple promise of farmland, to escape religious persecution, a sense of adventure or the rumours of gold. Some traveled with wagon and handcart to transport their belongings, others walked with little more than the cloth on their backs. Traveling for half a year through sickness, starvation, exhaustion and trials of the trail many perished along the way but others survived and were able to realise their dreams... all dreamed with great expectations of freedom and prosperity. These people were the great American Pioneers.

(Is farmer the correct description?)

colonization vice colonisation
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Liam
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Ah Americans V Brits
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Ryan James
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MvRichthofen wrote:
Sandmanx82 wrote:
I don't think you need the word "finally" here:

"...large river and finally a purple city." Taking that out will necessitate a comma after "large river."

Actually Ryan, industry Standard Technical English (STE) does not require a comma following the word river (i.e. "...large river and a purple city.") I don't know if board games should follow STE rules, but that is the industry standard for publications and instructions. That took me a while to get over because I was taught using the example you provided. I still type it in error from time to time.

I hear you, Scott; however, without the comma it could imply that "large river and purple city" are one item. I suppose he'll have to decide whether to buck STE for clarity or not.
 
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Derek H
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monkeyhandz wrote:
I've opted to look at your thematic opening paragraph/background:

Quote:
The Mid-1800’s in the United States was the time of the farmer and the colonisation of the West. People attempted the 2,000 mile journey west for different reasons, be it the simple promise of farmland, to escape religious persecution or the rumours of gold. Some traveled with wagon and handcart to transport their belongings others walked with little more than the cloth on their backs. Traveling for half a year through sickness, starvation, exhaustion and trials of the trail many died along the way but others survived and were able to realise their dreams.. all dreamed of great expectations of freedom and prosperity. These people were the great American Pioneers.
In the United States, the Mid-1800’s were the time of the farmer* and the colonisation of the West. Those that embarked on/attempted the 2,000 mile journey west did so for different reasons, be it the simple promise of farmland, to escape religious persecution, a sense of adventure or the rumours of gold. Some traveled with wagon and handcart to transport their belongings, others walked with little more than the cloth on their backs. Traveling for half a year through sickness, starvation, exhaustion and trials of the trail many perished along the way but others survived and were able to realise their dreams... all dreamed with great expectations of freedom and prosperity. These people were the great American Pioneers.

(Is farmer the correct description?)
Take III

In the United States, the mid-1800’s were the time of the settlers and the colonisation of the West. Those that embarked on the 2,000 mile journey did so for different reasons; be it the simple promise of farmland, to escape religious persecution, a sense of adventure or to follow the rumours of gold. Some traveled with wagon and handcart to transport their belongings, others walked with little more than the clothes on their backs. Traveling for half a year through sickness, starvation, exhaustion and trials of the trail, many perished along the way but others survived and were able to realise their dreams... the dreams of freedom and prosperity. These people were the great American Pioneers.

(some minor grammatical/sense changes)

Sometimes I have given my husband a manuscript to read that has turned out to have fantastic rave reviews and he'll tell me it is no good. Well, if I didn't know him as well as I know him I would be terribly depressed. ~Katherine Dunham
(http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/manuscript.html)
 
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