My girlfriend, Valerie, and I were in Disney World recently. While perusing one of the quaint little shops they have on their property there, Valerie saw a vintage reprint of the Disneyland Monorail Game sitting on the shelf. To state it simply, she is a fiend for the monorail; it's her favorite thing at Disney World. I have also helped transform her into a board game geek.
To sum up:
Monorail + Board Game = Insta-Purchase = $$$ to help feed Walt's kids
Before buying it, she knew the game itself wouldn't be any good, but she had to have it because it was the monorail.
We got it home, and we perused the rules that are printed on the box lid. You gotta love games that have the rules printed out on the box. Makes it that much harder to lose them. (The rules, that is.) Plus you can poke somebody's eye out with the box corner when you fling the rules at them if they argue with you about a rule interpretation. More games should have the ability to hurt people.
Anyhoo, after going over the rules, the game seemed to be a standard children's roll-and-move game where you try to get to the end of the board before your opponent. The trick is that a neutral third-party (Casey Jr.) is trying to beat you all there, too. He moves along with your dice rolls, and he can beat you at the game if you're not careful.
Coincidentally enough, while we were at Disney World, we made the acquaintance of the REAL Casey Jr. (For the uninitiated, he's a locomotive with a bad attitude, who locks children up in cages.)
I found it odd that we met him at Disney World being that he lives and works at Disneyland. When I asked him about this, he told me to "Screw off."
Rough talk for a Disney employee, but I just let it go.
Since we were busting out the game for the first time, I thought it only appropriate to invite Casey Jr. to the house to play, being that he stars in it and all. (We had obtained his phone number when we met him at Disney World.) I called him up and he bopped over. We set up the board (which in a refreshing change of pace from many Euro-games, involved nothing more than unfolding the board, and putting our pawns on the start square) and started playing.
I was green. Valerie was blue. Casey, as dictated by the rules, was red. He didn't like that and complained, so I told him to shove it. He told me to piss off and start playing the damn game.
I should have known things could only go downhill from here.
The game starts and Valerie gets a good lead on me. She's rolling quite a bit better than I am. Casey is trucking right along around the board in accordance with both our die rolls. (We're allowing him to move his own pawn.) Since I'm lagging pretty far behind, I decide to alter my strategy a bit: I switch up my rolling style from Apathetic Righty to Vegas Roller style; wherein I blow on the dice in my hand before I roll them. This seems to help, so I continue doing it.
Unfortunately, Valerie catches onto my tactic and changes her own strategy. She changes from Hyper-Active Closed Fist to Double-Handed Whammy. This allows her to strengthen her lead against me.
Frustrated, I switch strategies again, shifting to Off-Hand High Drop, but sadly this helps not at all. Laughing at my inadequacy, Valerie continues with her Double-Handed Whammy furthering her already sizable lead.
Not giving up, I start using the Wounded Crane Technique and watch with glee as my numbers increase steadily. Seeing my success with this, Valerie tries to emulate my rolling technique, but can't quite pull it off. Her mimicry is closer to Swaying Monkey or a Off-Balance Badger than anything.
All the while, Casey is sitting off to the side, moving his pawn, laughing his detestable little train laugh, blowing steam into the air. I regret inviting him over. He's staining my ceiling.
I am determined to beat him now, if only to shut him up, so although my rolling style is paying off well, I decide to try something more drastic. I change up from Wounded Crane to Belligerent Weasel. Although it has not been scientifically proven yet, I've had good luck (albeit a bit hit-or-miss) using this rolling method in the past. This earns me three sixes right in a row, followed by a dastardly one. Fortunately, the aggressive nature of my rolling forces Valerie to biff a few of her own rolls, earning her numerous ones and twos, vastly impeding her progress. This culminates in her landing on the "BACK 5" square, which puts her in the space behind me on the track.
Victory is nearly in my grasp.
Valerie, now desperate to regain her lead, attempts to change back to her trusty Double-Handed Whammy style. This helps her, but is not quite enough to catch up to me using my Belligerent Weasel.
We're approaching the home stretch, when I pull out my secret weapon, which I am certain will ensure my victory. I pick up the die and roll using the Cocky Chipmunk style, which I hear has been outlawed in Great Britain, Iceland, and the Isle of Man. Convinced of my winning die roll, I close my eyes and savor the moment.
Upon opening my eyes, I note the horrific reality of the situation. I had missed my target number and had fallen short of the finish line! I must have completely screwed up the Cocky Chipmunk! Disbelieving, I went over it all in my head, and ran it back and forth through my memory to see where I went wrong.
Valerie notes, "If that was supposed to be Cocky Chipmunk, you totally effed it up. Looked like halfway through you slipped into Whiny Bow-Legged Octopus."
Thinking over the convoluted hand motions I had just performed, I knew her to be right. The Octopus had ruined the Chipmunk. I was a failure.
Valerie then picks up the die, and employs the Bouncy-Bouncy technique, which enables her to get the number she needed to win the game. Frustrated, I punch the table.
Casey Jr. laughs at me with his obnoxious, whistling laugh.
Enraged by his derision, I punch Casey Jr. in the face. Then I ask him to leave. I remind him as he's leaving that he didn't win either, and that's what was important.
After our unpleasant guest was gone for good, we pack up the game.
I suspect we'll never play it again.
Nor do I think will we ever see Casey Jr. again.
I still haven't gotten the damned stains off my ceiling.
- Last edited Mon Aug 7, 2006 3:04 pm (Total Number of Edits: 1)
- Posted Fri Jun 16, 2006 7:31 pm
Nice session report. Makes the old "roll and move" game almost interesting!
I have become famous over a wide community of gamers for my inability to roll dice. I have lost countless games of HeroClix by rolling a 4 (on 2d6) when all I needed was 5 or better. Same thing with Fury of Dracula - if I need a 1 to lose a combat round it's practically a fait' accompli.
Desparate, I've recently changed from my traditional apathetic righty technique to clincher back-spin. The results have been nothing short of extraordinary. I even confidently clawed Mina Harker into the hospital recently in the day time!
I'm thinking once I practice cocky chipmunk some more between these two roll techniques I'll be unbeatable!
Lee On Solent
Cocky Chipmunk is still legal in the Isle of Man. You are probably thinking of Occultic Sea-Monkey, which was banned way back in the fourteenth century.