Eric "Shippy McShipperson" Mowrer
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Poll
At what point does flirting become cheating on ones's spouse or SO?
Even thinking about someone as "attractive" is taking it too far
Only if noticing turns into coveting or lusting
Only if the coveting turns into flirting
Only if flirting turns into sexual innuendo or implied invitations
Only if implied invitations turn into actual invitations
Only if actual invitations turn into sexual acts
Never, open relationships are cool with me
Other
      95 answers
Poll created by ejmowrer


Go ahead and dig a little deeper below or this will be a really boring thread. If you criticize my poll, I'll flirt with your face.
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Paul W
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...the scale doesn't really make sense to me. For example, I don't think that flirting with someone implies lusting or coveting after them. I also think there's a huge differences between innuendo and "implied invitations". Most of the innuendo I come up with is simply a by-product of a love of wordplay.

P.S. I'm going to be in Portland this weekend, so you'd better be careful about what you promise people who criticize your polls
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Born To Lose, Live To Win
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One of the dangers to flirting, other than cheating on your spouse (let's say they know you are an "innocent" flirt), is what about the the other person you are flirting with? In the dating games, flirting is really a mating ritual that could be likened to low-intensity fore-play. It feels good because of the attention, the so called "strokes". You might be the kind of person who would never act on flirting, seeing it as fun, but what message are you, the flirter, sending the other person, the flirtee? Are they on the same "innocent" wavelength you are? Is it fair to them when you step back from your arbitrary line in the sand and they are left rejected?
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Mac Mcleod
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It depends on the couple.

One couple's "too far" is another couples "no big deal".

The bright hard line is "no flirting" and probably is the safest until you have a complete failure of control.

A more reasonable line is "a couple flirty comments at appropriate times when you get together for a few hours".

For swinging couples- I bet there is a line- just not sure what it would be.

My opinion is that if you are feeling lust for another person in your social circle and you are in a standard relationship- you are at risk. Because lust turns people's brains off and they do stupid things.

Feeling lust over a fantasy object (aka brad pitt in his hey day, jennifer aniston in hers) is fine for many couples and keeps the sex life going which bonds the couple-- as long as it doesn't become an obsession- tho you really need to be pretty supportive of your sex partner's foibles in a closed relationship.

But as a couple- talk talk talk communicate communicate communicate about what you think is fair and how you are feeling (because what you think is fair might change at times). Your basic moral foundation and framing and confidence level will determine what you consider fair.
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Boaty McBoatface
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It only become cheating if you use loaded dice.
 
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Josiah Fiscus
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Are you really asking "when it becomes cheating" or are you asking about the specific personal borderlines each of us has in agreement with our significant others?
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Tobias Strobe
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Other: When there are lies involved. If everyone is being honest, we're golden.
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Seth Brown
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fizzmore wrote:
Most of the innuendo I come up with is simply a by-product of a love of wordplay.
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happyjosiah wrote:
Are you really asking "when it becomes cheating" or are you asking about the specific personal borderlines each of us has in agreement with our significant others?


Good question, there could be an argument that flirting, by it's very nature, is cheating and the level you and your spouse tolerate it is just a measure of how "open" your marriage is. This would be particularly salient to those who see it as mini-adultery for religious purposes.
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Josh
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Dude..
Really?
With the coveting?
If I don't have the coveting I'm just a shell of a shell of a man.
Why even be alive at that point?
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John O'Haver
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To paraphrase a line from an old sitcom, it's ok to touch the small of her back but not the large of her front.
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I don't flirt.



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Mac Mcleod
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There is a level of flirting which is just having fun or being clever or social stroking/flattery and there is a level of flirting which means you are seriously interested in knocking boots with the other person.

I'm sure you could formulize it to some degree.

I.e.
X How many flirty comments in a 30 minute period.
2 Are you looking at their erotic zones- staring into their eyes
1 You are alone with them
12 You have a boner or are wet.
--
> 5, who are you kidding? you guys are either about to knock boots or you are being really skeevy and the other person is probably uncomfortable..
> 3, you are making an exploratory probe to discover if they want to knock boots / i.e. hitting on them.

Otherwise, you are "just flirting and being nice".

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JoshBot wrote:
Dude..
Really?
With the coveting?
If I don't have the coveting I'm just a shell of a shell of a man.
Why even be alive at that point?


Some people would say you are just a Bad Penny



OUght to know what I liar I am
Ought to know me by now
Don't curse me for my nature
Don't blast me for my wrongs
Just a bad penny
I always come back to you
Just a bad penny

Just a bad penny
I always come back to you
Should have known you couldn't trust me
As far as you could throw me
You couldn't throw me to far
Just a bad penny
Couldn't throw me to far

I think I fucked your girlfriend once.
Maybe twice, I don't remember
Then I fucked all your friend's girlfriends
Now they hate you

Just a bad penny
Just a bad penny
Such a bad penny
A bad bad penny

Ought to know what I liar I am
Ought to know me by now
Such a bad penny
A bad bad penny
OUght to know what I liar I am
Ought to know me by now
Ought to know you couldn't trust me
As far as you could throw me
Such a bad penny
Such a bad penny
Slap my hand

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Eric "Shippy McShipperson" Mowrer
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I don't think "open" relationships work reliably. Given that, I think flirting is taking it too far. You can't stop being attracted to people or noticing that they're attractive. However, any kind of fantasizing or lusting is also considered by me to be infidelity to one's spouse. Thoughts lead to actions. Thinking about forbidden fruit will eventually lead to something more. It's not a healthy habit for someone who is in a committed relationship to be in.

Yes, this also includes porn. There, I said it.

Edit: That said, I don't consider being friendly to someone as "flirting". I do all kinds of socializing and joking around with other women, but I don't feel comfortable with innuendo and sexual flirtation.
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Paul W
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I agree with what you've just said. I don't think it follows that flirting necessarily entails lusting or fantasizing.
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Eric "Shippy McShipperson" Mowrer
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fizzmore wrote:
I agree with what you've just said. I don't think it follows that flirting necessarily entails lusting or fantasizing.


If the definition of flirting is "behavior that demonstrates a playful sexual attraction to someone" I don't see how it doesn't follow. OK, maybe I do, but even if it doesn't follow, that doesn't seem like a healthy thing for someone in a committed relationship to be doing. Even if you're merely considering the potential feelings/confusion of the person being flirted with.
 
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Mac Mcleod
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ejmowrer wrote:
fizzmore wrote:
I agree with what you've just said. I don't think it follows that flirting necessarily entails lusting or fantasizing.


If the definition of flirting is "behavior that demonstrates a playful sexual attraction to someone" I don't see how it doesn't follow. OK, maybe I do, but even if it doesn't follow, that doesn't seem like a healthy thing for someone in a committed relationship to be doing. Even if you're merely considering the potential feelings/confusion of the person being flirted with.


Here's google define flirting

Search Results

flirt
gerund or present participle: flirting
1. behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.
2. (of a bird) wave or open and shut (its wings or tail) with a quick flicking motion.

They seem to be missing "flirt" with disaster.

Your definition is different tho and that may be why you feel differently about "flirting".
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Eric "Shippy McShipperson" Mowrer
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maxo-texas wrote:
ejmowrer wrote:
fizzmore wrote:
I agree with what you've just said. I don't think it follows that flirting necessarily entails lusting or fantasizing.


If the definition of flirting is "behavior that demonstrates a playful sexual attraction to someone" I don't see how it doesn't follow. OK, maybe I do, but even if it doesn't follow, that doesn't seem like a healthy thing for someone in a committed relationship to be doing. Even if you're merely considering the potential feelings/confusion of the person being flirted with.


Here's google define flirting

Search Results

flirt
gerund or present participle: flirting
1. behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.
2. (of a bird) wave or open and shut (its wings or tail) with a quick flicking motion.

They seem to be missing "flirt" with disaster.

Your definition is different tho and that may be why you feel differently about "flirting".


Mine was a cut and paste from Google define of "flirtation".
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M M
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JoshBot wrote:
Dude..
Really?
With the coveting?
If I don't have the coveting I'm just a shell of a shell of a man.
Why even be alive at that point?


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Junior McSpiffy
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maxo-texas wrote:
ejmowrer wrote:
fizzmore wrote:
I agree with what you've just said. I don't think it follows that flirting necessarily entails lusting or fantasizing.


If the definition of flirting is "behavior that demonstrates a playful sexual attraction to someone" I don't see how it doesn't follow. OK, maybe I do, but even if it doesn't follow, that doesn't seem like a healthy thing for someone in a committed relationship to be doing. Even if you're merely considering the potential feelings/confusion of the person being flirted with.


Here's google define flirting

Search Results

flirt
gerund or present participle: flirting
1. behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.
2. (of a bird) wave or open and shut (its wings or tail) with a quick flicking motion.

They seem to be missing "flirt" with disaster.

Your definition is different tho and that may be why you feel differently about "flirting".


Sorry, but if you are opening and shutting your tail with a quick flicking motion... then that flirting is DEFINITELY going too far.

Especially if you're in the produce section of the grocery.
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Flirting is not cheating but it is IMO disrespectful to the people who are in a relationship with.
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Mac Mcleod
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ejmowrer wrote:
maxo-texas wrote:
ejmowrer wrote:
fizzmore wrote:
I agree with what you've just said. I don't think it follows that flirting necessarily entails lusting or fantasizing.


If the definition of flirting is "behavior that demonstrates a playful sexual attraction to someone" I don't see how it doesn't follow. OK, maybe I do, but even if it doesn't follow, that doesn't seem like a healthy thing for someone in a committed relationship to be doing. Even if you're merely considering the potential feelings/confusion of the person being flirted with.


Here's google define flirting

Search Results

flirt
gerund or present participle: flirting
1. behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.
2. (of a bird) wave or open and shut (its wings or tail) with a quick flicking motion.

They seem to be missing "flirt" with disaster.

Your definition is different tho and that may be why you feel differently about "flirting".


Mine was a cut and paste from Google define of "flirtation".


Lol. So was mine!
 
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I Aten't Dead.

If you can't flirt badly or other with pretty girls there isn't much reason to be alive.


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Jorge Montero
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ejmowrer wrote:
I don't think "open" relationships work reliably.

You are right. Still, I know of one other thing: Traditional monogamous relationships do not work reliably either. At the very least, 50% of the time, looking at divorce rates. There's also the many marriages that do not end, and yet are not working by pretty much any definition.

Lifelong relationships are very hard. If one is working for you, great. But reasons of failure don't really apply to a all cases. What is no big deal for a marriage is huge for another, and vice versa.

Even what seems to me like the most important part, honesty, isn't really that important in every marriage. I have known of quite a few marriages that people would call successful, and yet were built on lies, deception, and both people realizing that their best bet wasn't just to be deceitful, but to not try to work very hard at figuring out where their partner was being deceitful. Sounds terrible to me, and yet, it works for people.

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