Peter O'Hanraha-Hanrahan
United Kingdom
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Playing out like every bad 1950s sci-fi movie you can think of, Conquest of Planet Earth sees our planet being attacked by multiple alien races. Tonight, my Rantillion Beetlemen took on Mark’s Stearis Kitewings, as well as the futile human resistance, for the right to colonise this feeble planet.

The Kitewings landed first and decided to move two of their saucers for some reconnaissance. They discovered a tank factory. Metal battled metal – it was like Monsters of Rock 1985 all over again. Steraians cheered as the first two battles went their way but, with victory seemingly theirs for the taking, the resistance battled back, knocking two saucers from the sky. The Kitewings retreated to lick their wounds.

Meanwhile, on another part of the planet, the Beetlemen landed and immediately set their sights on Capitol City. This location is worth considerably more points than the rest, and nothing was going to get in their way. First, though, they would have to conquer the locations between their landing site and the target, the first of which was…some coastline. Three fishermen throwing beer cans at them was not enough, and the Beetlemen moved closer. The Kitewings had another go at the tank factory, which by now was dispatching its deadly vehicles to other locations near their landing site. Conquer the factory; stop the tanks, that was Mark’s plan. Once again, the first two battles went swimmingly, and once again he was foiled on the third, this time by the great human hero, Captain Fantastic. Seriously, that’s his name, Captain Fantastic. On the plus side, the Kitewings utilised some of their Space Stuff (again, that’s what it’s called, honestly!) to gain the support of an ally. Strong and loyal, the Kitewing army was ready.

Captain Fantastic, pictured here with The Massive Apocalypse Cube.
Captain Fantastic, pictured here with the Massive Apocalypse Cube.
However, the Beetlemen march – scuttle? – was inexorable. Despite some minor hiccups, primarily caused by Stearian sabotage, the Rantillions moved onward to the capital, eventually attacking it with all guns blazing. I say eventually because, thanks to some sneaky card play, they first had to stop and resolve their internal bickering. Once everybody became friends again, they played the “I Don’t Think So!” card, crippling the capital city’s resistance. The capital was lost and, barring an atomic bomb being dropped on it, the hostile takeover looked decisive.

Mark’s Kitewings were fighting a losing battle, quite literally. Despite finally getting their act together and conquering the tank factory thanks to their recently acquired Blue Lasers (“Deploy the Blue Lasers! Let’s see how they like that!”) they fell victim to Crushing Defeat after Crushing Defeat as they, too, tried to make it to the capital. Too late. The Beetlemen had just one obstacle ahead of them, a city with a fearsome amount of resistance waiting for them. Take the city and the game would be won. Three battles needed to be overcome. The first, easy-peasy. The second, a Daring Doctor turned up, and his talent of healing the wounded meant that the fight would need to be won once more. Fearing a nuke or worse, Captain Fantastic, the Beetlemen clutched their weapons tightly in their sticky hands and prepared for the worst. No! The second wave of resistance went with a whimper. The Kitewings command desperately searched in their arsenal for something to prevent the victory. They had nothing. The city fell, and with it Earth was conquered by the Coleopterans from Rantillion. The future for humanity looks bleak.

This is a session report I wrote for my gaming group, here's the link:
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