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Subject: Joke Time rss

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Chad
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I used to be a bartender and learned that when people get drunk they come out with the worst joke they know and for some reason they always wanted to tell it to the bartender. Usually the worst joke they know is also the most tasteless joke they know. Usually these jokes insult some race, religion, nationality, skin color, sex, sexual preference, dead baby, or battered women.

Pretend you are drunk, skip the trying to hug me part, and just tell me the worst joke you know.
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Boaty McBoatface
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You asked for it (I invented this whilst waiting for the rest of mu games club to turn up, they were not impressed in fact I was order to never tall it again).

What martial arts do Rabbits do?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
Carroty
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A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
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I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
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I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. 'I'm going to take that.'
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jeremy cobert
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I open any fundraiser event that I am at with this line, It proves that I have a sense of humor like the common folks and am not a racist.

Quote:
I am reminded of a quote from Gandhi "He ran a gas station down in St. Louis."


that's gold Jerry , GOLD !
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A white man walks along the beach and stumbles upon a magic lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Genie. It says: "Woo, I'm finally free! As a token of my gratitude I award you with three wishes."

The man utters his first wish and *pop* he lives in a huge mansion with a big garden, swimming pool, tennis court, and all the other luxuries.

He makes his second wish and *pop*, the mansion is filled with sexy, naked women lusting after him.

He finally mentions his third wish and *pop* the Ku Klux Klan turns up, erects a burning cross and lynches him from a tree in front of his mansion.

Later in the day, the Genie meets with its Genie friends at the bar and asks them: "You've got to explain me this: I've been trapped in this magic lamp for 300 years and after getting freed the first two wishes were standard fare, living in a big mansion with lots of sexy women in it. But the third wish was new to me and I don't understand it -- why would anyone want to be hung like a black man!?"

- - -

A black woman walks along the beach and stumbles upon a magic lamp. She picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Genie. It says: "Woo, I'm finally free! As a token of my gratitude I award you with two wishes."

She replies: "Hey, what happened to three wishes!?"

The Genie calmly responds: "You're black, you only get two wishes."

She says: "Okay, fine. For my first wish, I want there to be a bridge between North America and West Africa, so that when black people are fed up with all the racism in the USA, they can just pick up their stuff and walk back home."

The Genie rejects the wish: "No can do. I'm just a Genie, not God. What's your second wish?"

She thinks for a while and then demands: "I want there to be racial equality in America!"

The Genie responds: "Do you want that bridge made out of steel or stone?"
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Reminds me of this one:

Three death row inmates managed to escape prison. While fleeing along a lonely dirt road they stumbled across a magic lamp. When one of the rubbed it a genie popped out, looked at them and said -

"I'm only good for three wishes so each of you get one wish."

The first killer wished for a mansion stocked with booze, cash and naked ladies and he suddenly vanished into thin air, laughing.

The second killer brightened up and wished for his own luxury yacht stocked with booze, cash and naked ladies and he too vanished, laughing.

The third killer looked around, realized he was alone for the first time in 17 years and said, "I just want my two friends back."
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Jeff
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What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
I don't cum all over an apple before I take a bit out of it.
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Craig McRoberts
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How do you make a gay man cry twice?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
Wipe your bloody dick on his drapes.


QFT. Source: Myself, a gay man.
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Clay
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A particularly memorable Jimmy Carr joke:

How do you make a gay man fuck a woman?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
Shit in her cunt.
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The Message wrote:
A particularly memorable Jimmy Carr joke:

How do you make a gay man fuck a woman?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
Shit in her cunt.


bjlillo wrote:


Let's not do this thread again.
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Michael Carter
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ExcitingJeff wrote:
What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
I don't cum all over an apple before I take a bit out of it.


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Dave G
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Drew is sitting with two friends on a park bench. Well, not friends, obviously, because one of them is black and the other is gay, and Drew isn't really friends with "those" people so much as he publicly tolerates them in an effort to appear like less of a stain on the soul of humanity. A genie appears, and after several minutes of argument while Drew tries to convince the genie that he does not actually exist because he's not specifically mentioned in the Bible, the genie grants each man a wish.

First the black guy, Dwayne (who is irritable both from the fact that Drew keeps mispronouncing his name as DEE-wayne with a weird faux-hip-hop accent and from enduring Drew's thirty-minute lecture about how his family's long climb out of poverty was really just their own fault, and had nothing to do with race or systematic disadvantages) says "fuck this guy, man. I want Africa transformed into the thriving continent it would be if not for slavery, and I want every black person in the country to be transported back there to live their lives in peace out from under the thumb of condescending assholes like this guy." The genie looks at Drew and chuckles a bit and then says "Ok, sure. So you have asked, so shall it be done." He snaps his fingers and in a puff of smoke Dwayne is gone.

Then he turns to Brian, the gay guy. Brian is also irritable, since before Drew butted into the conversation he was having with Dwayne to lecture him about how racism is over, he patted Brian sadly on the knee and told him he would pray for his soul, and then jerked his hand away and muttered something about not giving him the wrong idea, because he was DEFINITELY not LIKE THAT. So when the genie looks to him for a wish, all Brian can come up with is this: "Well, I'd really just like a place where me and my gay and lesbian friends can live in peace, without having to deal with bible-thumping bigots like this guy everywhere we go." The genie laughs out loud this time, right over Drew's protestation that he just hates the sin, not the sinner, and says "Tell you what--from now on all the gays and lesbians can live on a beautiful tropical island, free from the judging eyes of the Evangelical whackjobs." And he snaps his fingers and Brian disappears in a puff of smoke.

Then he turns to Drew. "Well, you're a real fucking asshole, sir, but I guess I owe you a wish too. What do you want, and make it quick." Drew thinks for a second. "So, you're telling me that all the black people in the country are gone, and all the gay people are gone? Well heck, mister. I'll just take a diet coke."
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Dave G
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bjlillo wrote:
Once upon a time there was this guy named Dave who just couldn't let it go that someone he doesn't like didn't like him back either. This other person lived rent-free in Dave's head for years and years and Dave died a bitter old man, hanging on to his irrational hatred because he is denying his true self.


I thought about making it about Tripp, but he's not as fun. And while Cobert and Dashi are certainly racists they wouldn't really work for the gay guy thing since they're pretty clearly not religious.
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Dave G
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And you don't have to admit it here, but you know the mental image of Drew mispronouncing a black guy's name over and over again with a lame white guy version of Chris Rock voice is hilarious and you laughed.
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Dave G
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bjlillo wrote:
djgutierrez77 wrote:
And you don't have to admit it here, but you know the mental image of Drew mispronouncing a black guy's name over and over again with a lame white guy version of Chris Rock voice is hilarious and you laughed.


I thought you were going to take the Mike Priefer angle with rounding all the gays up and putting them on an island.


I actually thought of that joke when I heard the Priefer story.
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James King
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Why didn't the chicken cross the road?


Spoiler (click to reveal)
It was too chicken!
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jeremy cobert
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ShreveportLAGamer wrote:


Why didn't the chicken cross the road?


Spoiler (click to reveal)
It was too chicken!


For being the most long winded blow hard in RSP, I certainly expected more from you.shake
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James King
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jeremycobert wrote:
ShreveportLAGamer wrote:
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
It was too chicken!

For being the most long winded blow hard in RSP, I certainly expected more from you.shake

Thank you for reminding me. (I almost forgot!)


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Jon Badolato
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I can't believe I actually watched that entire video.
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James King
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jonb wrote:
I can't believe I actually watched that entire video.

But having done so, you must feel somewhat edified by it just the same.

What's more, you should be able to handily answer the following variant of my original riddle:


Why didn't the Chicken cross the road?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
Because it didn't want to go to the Other Side. zombie



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Matt Connellan
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bjlillo wrote:
ExcitingJeff wrote:
What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
I don't cum all over an apple before I take a bit out of it.


Let's not do this thread again.


Those aren't so much "jokes" as just thinking of the most shocking thing you can say and hoping people will laugh at it. It's like the movie Bad Santa - it just keeps piling on the shit and hoping the shit pile will get so high that you'll just have to laugh at how high the pile of shit has gotten. But you never do.
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Clay
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Pintsizepete wrote:
bjlillo wrote:
ExcitingJeff wrote:
What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
I don't cum all over an apple before I take a bit out of it.


Let's not do this thread again.


Those aren't so much "jokes" as just thinking of the most shocking thing you can say and hoping people will laugh at it. It's like the movie Bad Santa - it just keeps piling on the shit and hoping the shit pile will get so high that you'll just have to laugh at how high the pile of shit has gotten. But you never do.


So a husband, wife and their son and daughter go to meet a talent agent to show off their new performance act. The agent is skeptical that a family can provide a marketable act, having had little success in similar situations before, so understandable asks to see what they can do to impress him before agreeing to represent them. After a moment to consult with the family the father tells him they're prepared to demonstrate their talents.

The four of them line up horizontally facing the agent, legs apart, arms outstretched down at diagonal angles and heads tilted to the floor. A moment passes before the mother begins to belt out a shrill, dissonant take on Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" while pumping her fists in the air and shaking her hips. Right on cue the daughter bends down, unzips her dad's pants and immediately begins sucking his cock. She starts slow, gradually working the shaft with her tongue before enveloping the whole member and bobbing her head frantically while her mother's song and dance increases in energy and tempo.

Off to the side of the room the boy has mixed mayonnaise, blood and some of that powdered cheese you get with Kraft mac n cheese products in a big bowl. He rips off his shirt and begins slathering his chest in the pale orange substance while shouting passages from various holy texts in a reversed mockery of the english language. The man grabs his daughters hair and roughly drags her over to the son, while she continues to service him, so that he can twist his boy's nipples. Around this time the wife has finished her opening routine and begun to slice off her pants with a kitchen knife, her lack of precision leaving several deep gouges in her leg dripping with gore. She crouches somewhat and walks backwards to the rest of her family, then picks up the girls left leg and rams the foot into her own ass. Her anus is only mildly resistant, soon expanding to permit most of the daughter's foot inside and thus suspend her between her mother and father in a sense.

Meanwhile the two males are tearing each others ears off, forcefully tugging upward on them in quick pumping motions to advance the tear along the head about a half an inch per motion. The earless boy continues his clamorous oration while slapping huge handfuls of the putrid mixture into his mouth, causing him to gag and choke on every word. A slimy white and red mass slides down his throat and his eyes water in the throes of a brief suffocation. His dad licks these tears away and then spits into his daughters right eye, pulls his dick from her mouth and shoots a thick white rope of cum into her left, letting her head drop to the floor with a loud crack.

They spin her around so that her head is between her mothers legs as the woman starts to piss on her barely conscious daughter's face. This reinvigorates the girl and she begins to enthusiastic provide oral sex to her mom this time. The son walks around to the woman's front and begins ramming his own cock down her throat, so aggressively that a tooth is soon knocked free and trails of blood and saliva begin to pool on the floor.

Up to this point the daughter has hid her pregnancy well but now the triplets are ready to enter this world. Her dad reaches down to help the first one out then casually tosses it aside to begin to retrieve the second. The crying infant goes quiet with a wet thump. When the next comes out he grabs a metal bucket from the side of the room and then twists its arm off. It isn't as easy as one might think and it takes numerous hard yanks to release the limb. He stuffs the little arm into his own ass and holds the child over the bucket to catch all of the fluids now coming from it.

By this point the son has nearly crushed his mother's head, there is nothing left of her nose but a red skeletal cavity and half of her teeth are gone. His stomach is rumbling in disagreement with his earlier ingestion so he walks over to the bucket and begins to spew bright orange diarrhea into the bucket. Overwhelmed by the stench he also begins to puke all overs his sister who is still being soaked in urine by her mom. The third baby appears to be stuck in the uterus so the man begins to stomp on the girl's vomit smeared stomach until it becomes apparent that there is nothing left to give birth to.

The boy now produces a metal rod that he shoves into his dad's penis. As he does this his mom stumbles to her feet, gathers some needles and begins to tattoo her daughter's breasts with a mural of Alah punching down the world trade centers and dropping shit-covered arachnids from his urethra onto the weeping crowds of Americans below. She also starts to suck milk from these breasts as she works, leaving a significant pool of blood to slosh around on the girl's body.

The boy is now eating from the bucket of shit, blood and other fluids. His movements are frantic enough that the thick sludge splatters around on the other artists. His father comes up and begins to suck mucous from his nose while he does this as well. After swallowing a particularly sizable booger the man walks over and kicks his wife in the chest, sending her sprawling into the corner. He slides a pistol after he and she puts it in her mouth, weeping.

The two males are now fucking the younger female from both ends while clawing at each others' faces. Seeing that wife is having second thoughts the husband walks over and continues to beat her while shouting "do it, do it you whore" and laughing. After a few minutes of abuse to woman once again puts the gun into her mouth but now pulls the trigger. The man scoops up a handful of her brain matter and begins to munch on it as he goes to penetrate the first baby, still unconscious, in its diminutive vagina. When he tired of this he twists it in a hard jerking motion away from his dick, causing the rod inside of it to twist and puncture the back end of the penis. The girl now gets up and breaks her brother's fingers then kisses him passionately on the mouth.

Exhausted the family turns to the agent and their is a tense moment of uncertainty as the man stares dumbstruck at them. After a moment a stupid grin breaks out across his face and he ecstatically shouts, "I love it! What do you call the act?"

Relieved to have impressed the man the family throw their hands up and shout in unison, "the aristocrats!"
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Matt Connellan
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The Message wrote:
Pintsizepete wrote:
bjlillo wrote:
ExcitingJeff wrote:
What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
I don't cum all over an apple before I take a bit out of it.


Let's not do this thread again.


Those aren't so much "jokes" as just thinking of the most shocking thing you can say and hoping people will laugh at it. It's like the movie Bad Santa - it just keeps piling on the shit and hoping the shit pile will get so high that you'll just have to laugh at how high the pile of shit has gotten. But you never do.


So a husband, wife and their son and daughter go to meet a talent agent to show off their new performance act. The agent is skeptical that a family can provide a marketable act, having had little success in similar situations before, so understandable asks to see what they can do to impress him before agreeing to represent them. After a moment to consult with the family the father tells him they're prepared to demonstrate their talents.

The four of them line up horizontally facing the agent, legs apart, arms outstretched down at diagonal angles and heads tilted to the floor. A moment passes before the mother begins to belt out a shrill, dissonant take on Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" while pumping her fists in the air and shaking her hips. Right on cue the daughter bends down, unzips her dad's pants and immediately begins sucking his cock. She starts slow, gradually working the shaft with her tongue before enveloping the whole member and bobbing her head frantically while her mother's song and dance increases in energy and tempo.

Off to the side of the room the boy has mixed mayonnaise, blood and some of that powdered cheese you get with Kraft mac n cheese products in a big bowl. He rips off his shirt and begins slathering his chest in the pale orange substance while shouting passages from various holy texts in a reversed mockery of the english language. The man grabs his daughters hair and roughly drags her over to the son, while she continues to service him, so that he can twist his boy's nipples. Around this time the wife has finished her opening routine and begun to slice off her pants with a kitchen knife, her lack of precision leaving several deep gouges in her leg dripping with gore. She crouches somewhat and walks backwards to the rest of her family, then picks up the girls left leg and rams the foot into her own ass. Her anus is only mildly resistant, soon expanding to permit most of the daughter's foot inside and thus suspend her between her mother and father in a sense.

Meanwhile the two males are tearing each others ears off, forcefully tugging upward on them in quick pumping motions to advance the tear along the head about a half an inch per motion. The earless boy continues his clamorous oration while slapping huge handfuls of the putrid mixture into his mouth, causing him to gag and choke on every word. A slimy white and red mass slides down his throat and his eyes water in the throes of a brief suffocation. His dad licks these tears away and then spits into his daughters right eye, pulls his dick from her mouth and shoots a thick white rope of cum into her left, letting her head drop to the floor with a loud crack.

They spin her around so that her head is between her mothers legs as the woman starts to piss on her barely conscious daughter's face. This reinvigorates the girl and she begins to enthusiastic provide oral sex to her mom this time. The son walks around to the woman's front and begins ramming his own cock down her throat, so aggressively that a tooth is soon knocked free and trails of blood and saliva begin to pool on the floor.

Up to this point the daughter has hid her pregnancy well but now the triplets are ready to enter this world. Her dad reaches down to help the first one out then casually tosses it aside to begin to retrieve the second. The crying infant goes quiet with a wet thump. When the next comes out he grabs a metal bucket from the side of the room and then twists its arm off. It isn't as easy as one might think and it takes numerous hard yanks to release the limb. He stuffs the little arm into his own ass and holds the child over the bucket to catch all of the fluids now coming from it.

By this point the son has nearly crushed his mother's head, there is nothing left of her nose but a red skeletal cavity and half of her teeth are gone. His stomach is rumbling in disagreement with his earlier ingestion so he walks over to the bucket and begins to spew bright orange diarrhea into the bucket. Overwhelmed by the stench he also begins to puke all overs his sister who is still being soaked in urine by her mom. The third baby appears to be stuck in the uterus so the man begins to stomp on the girl's vomit smeared stomach until it becomes apparent that there is nothing left to give birth to.

The boy now produces a metal rod that he shoves into his dad's penis. As he does this his mom stumbles to her feet, gathers some needles and begins to tattoo her daughter's breasts with a mural of Alah punching down the world trade centers and dropping shit-covered arachnids from his urethra onto the weeping crowds of Americans below. She also starts to suck milk from these breasts as she works, leaving a significant pool of blood to slosh around on the girl's body.

The boy is now eating from the bucket of shit, blood and other fluids. His movements are frantic enough that the thick sludge splatters around on the other artists. His father comes up and begins to suck mucous from his nose while he does this as well. After swallowing a particularly sizable booger the man walks over and kicks his wife in the chest, sending her sprawling into the corner. He slides a pistol after he and she puts it in her mouth, weeping.

The two males are now fucking the younger female from both ends while clawing at each others' faces. Seeing that wife is having second thoughts the husband walks over and continues to beat her while shouting "do it, do it you whore" and laughing. After a few minutes of abuse to woman once again puts the gun into her mouth but now pulls the trigger. The man scoops up a handful of her brain matter and begins to munch on it as he goes to penetrate the first baby, still unconscious, in its diminutive vagina. When he tired of this he twists it in a hard jerking motion away from his dick, causing the rod inside of it to twist and puncture the back end of the penis. The girl now gets up and breaks her brother's fingers then kisses him passionately on the mouth.

Exhausted the family turns to the agent and their is a tense moment of uncertainty as the man stares dumbstruck at them. After a moment a stupid grin breaks out across his face and he ecstatically shouts, "I love it! What do you call the act?"

Relieved to have impressed the man the family throw their hands up and shout in unison, "the aristocrats!"


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