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Subject: Rallyman versus True_Dave rss

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The One
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Bristol
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I really, really like Rallyman, but sometimes I get the feeling this game doesn't feel the same about me. For this session report I decided to write from the perspective of Rich and Ralph, the driver and co-driver of the red car in my set. Just for a bit of a change.

Caution: Contains my attempt at humour.

Further caution: I find knob jokes funny.



Ralph: Look lively Rich, we’re moving.

Rich: Uh? Wha?

Ralph: It looks like he’s playing Rallyman, you know he always picks our car.

Rich: Aw, not this early. Not today…

Ralph: You’re the driver man! You should live for these days.

Rich: Yeah, but it’s him, isn’t it? I mean, he’s a tool.

Ralph: That’s a bit harsh.

Rich: He drives like a loon! You’ve been there, you must remember it!

Ralph: Well, it’s all about risk and reward. We got through it didn’t we?

Rich: The car still isn’t right, even to this day.

Ralph: No time for that now. Put your game face on, he’s opening the box.

Rich: And we’re on the floor, why does he always put us on the floor to play? I mean, look though there. Look. There’s a perfectly good table. Why doesn’t he use the table?

Ralph: Well, at least we can’t fall off it this way. That would really knacker the car.

Rich: Well… yes… but… Its bad enough we have to spend all game with a mammoth set of nostrils hovering over us, waiting to drop who knows what into our path, but when he sits cross legged we’ve got his giant genitals hovering at the edge of the board too!

Ralph: It could be worse, at least he’s got his pyjamas on.

Rich: Yes, but don’t you think the material looks a bit flimsy? What if it splits? Do you realise what damage they could do if they flopped out into our path?

Ralph: They probably wouldn’t reach.

Rich: That’s harsh man, real harsh. I thought you were supposed to be the optimist?

Ralph: I am, that’s why I said it. Anyway, we’re on the start line. It looks like the Pasta Rallye.

Rich: How can you tell?

Ralph: I have the pace notes?

Rich: What! How?..

Ralph: It’s a game, lighten up. It’s how things roll here.

Rich: Don’t say roll…

Ralph: Woop!! We are off!

Rich: We’re doomed!

Ralph: Needs more Scots in it.

Rich: What? Oh, just shut up! I need to concentrate. Rocks! Rocks! BIG ROCKS!

Ralph: Yeah, there’s a few of them. It’s one of those stages.

Rich: That was too close, he’s pushing me to the absolute limit. Again… Just like last time.

Ralph: And we survived. Just chill and enjoy the drive.

Rich: Enjoy the drive? I’ve trying to control a several hundred thousand pound rally car which some numpty is insisting I drive at speeds far in excess of what is safe for these conditions! To top it all off, I’ve only been awake about 10 minutes and I’ve not even had a chance to grab a coffee, get to the toilet or anything this morning.

Ralph: Oh, you don’t want to crash with a full bladder. I once saw a documentary about the Remy Julienne L'Equipe team and one of the things they said was that you don’t want to crash with a full bladder.

Rich: Don’t you have anything more important to be doing, like reading me the pace notes?

Ralph: Not really. They won’t make a blind bit of difference, he’s in charge.

Rich: Wow, you’re a real peach. Why are you here anyway?

Ralph: Make’s it more authentic, all rally cars have a driver and a co-driver. That was close, wasn’t it? I felt it slide a bit there.

Rich: Was that thunder?

Ralph: Er, I’m going to say no.

Rich: But I heard a rumble.

Ralph: It wasn’t thunder.

Rich: Then what was it?

Ralph: He just farted.

Rich: Aw no!! That’s disgusting. How am I supposed to work in these conditions? Oh wow! What a smell! It’s making my eyes water.

Ralph: Well, that’s a blessing. What you can’t see can’t hurt you, and all that, eh? Might as well just enjoy the drive now.

Rich: You’re really wearing thin on me, do you know that?!

Ralph: On the bright side, there’s only six more corners after this long left hander.

Rich: There’s a down side, isn’t there?

Ralph: There are some more rocks ahead.

Rich: Off course there are.

Ralph: Oh, that’s a bit feisty.

Rich: No, no, no, no, no. No no! NO!!

Ralph: I’ll give you that, that’s a crash.

Rich: That’s a claim! Did you see it? Did you see it? The man’s a complete moron, an imbecile of the highest order. He’s a tit! Ow, my back! I’ve got to hang wallpaper later.

Ralph: It’s fine, I have some painkillers back at my place.

Rich: He’s collapsed at least one of my vertebrae! How is taking two paracetamol every six hours going to cure my shattered spine? I’ll be lucky if I can even walk after this. I’m amazed the car still has four wheels.

Ralph: It wasn’t that big a crash. But, hey ho, there’s the finish line.

Rich: Good, call me an ambulance. Then find me a good solicitor, try the ones from the TV.

Ralph: I’m afraid all that will have to wait old chum.

Rich: Why?

Ralph: This rally has 3 stages.


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Stig Morten
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Kvernaland
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I hope to be present when Rich and Ralph gets to experience snow and double downshifting.

Great fun, and I, like R&R, hope the pyjamas doesn't split.gulp
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