Wow, so this is what you get for 100 pieces of gold.
The Chronicles of Dr. Seward (a middle aged insane asylum pyschiatrist)
It has been a few days since I proposed to Lucy Westenra. Then I also found out that she had two other proposals from Lord Godalming and Quincy Morris! I might as well call her Lucy Wenchera. That's the problems with brunettes. Flirt with you, then break your heart. Anyways, instead of going back to my insane asylum and taking my frustrations out on my patients, none other than Mina Harker shows up in my office. She asks me if I have any medical knowledge. I answer in the affirmative, and she asks me to investigate three bite marks on her bosom.
"What in God's name did that to you?" I ejaculated.
"Shhhh." She throws her cascading blond hair behind her. "Jonathan doesn't know I'm here." Ahh, Jonathan would be her husband. Anyways, she tells me she was attacked by a vampire called Count Dracula. Now the Count is wandering around in Europe and it is our job to find him. Abraham Van Helsing has also been recuruited, along with that despicable chap, Lord Godalming.
So I agree to hunt this creature down. Mina plans to start in Belgrade, I will go to Milan,Vann Helsing will be in Madrid, and Godalming gets to stay in England, in Manchester. I don't appear to get out much, since the rail lines in western Europe are maintained better than those in Eastern Europe. In Western Europe, on any given day, you might be able to get to three cities if all your connections work, or you might be stuck spinning your wheels. It's like literally rolling the dice. This must have been Martin Wallace's contribution to this part of Europe.
So I go Genoa, to Florence and to Zurich, and Van Helsing decides to use hypnosis on Mina to find the Count. It turns out Dracula is in Nurnberg, going to Frankfurt. Pretty sneaky, that little vamp. I thought he was a big shot, ready to take on all comers, especially those getting close to his castle. We find out there is a vampire in Nurnberg, and if we don't take care of it before it matures, the Count will only have to generate five more vampires before it is all over. So I get over quickly as I can to Nurnberg, ready to teach this subordinate vampire a lesson, since I am clutching a heavenly host. Unfortunately, I needed a rifle or stake for this thing, and it eludes me! Being the perfect gentleman, I let Mina rush over from Munich/Zagreb to take care of business. The vampire almost escapes too, but Mina shows a secret weapon of a rifle to take care of it. Wow, not only is she gorgeous, she is resourceful.
Meanwhile, Dracula goes into wolf form to escape the dragnet. Lord Godalming is taking the ferry over from Edinborough, while Van Helsing is rushing to Amsterdam. Dracula, the little swine, gets on a boat on the North Sea, so we are back to square one. Okay, so Dracula shed some blood going into wolf form, and going to sea, but I honestly thought we had him cornered, then we could wail away on him. So we see Dracula travel 4 sea zones. I was afraid Dracula would travel all the way to the Tyrreanean Sea and since all four of us were in the north, we would have to ride all sorts of carriages to get to southern Europe.
Dracula lands, so now we know that that Dracula is either in the Mediterranian Sea or the Bay of Biscany. Dracula is on land again, but we are not exactly sure where. Again Van Helsing comes to our rescue. He names two cities and Dracula must reveal himself if he is there. Van Helsing names Nantes and Paris, and Dracula is there! All four of us converge there now. Mina first runs into Dracula at Strausburg, but fog protects Dracula. Dracula now flees for the coast, but runs into Lord Godalming. It is midnight. I lean back in satisfaction as I am secure in my knowledge that Lord Godalming will be torn to pieces. Not that I don't like Godalming, we're in this business together, but if Dracula offs one of my competiton for Lucy, well so be it. I am right in my premonition when Godalming loses his scared bullets and takes 4 life of damage in the first two combat rounds. But then in the next 5 combat rounds, Godalming is one of the luckiest guys around, he wins the next 5 combat rounds alternating between his crucifix and rifle, and does 6 life of damage on Dracula. Dracula now takes his cape between his legs and escapes. Here I was thinking Dracula was this vaunted all powerful creature at night, but he resembles an upside down bat being pommeled with a cricket bat. His vaunted claws and fangs were no match for the crucifix and good old fashioned luck.
Dracula now flees to the North Atlantic ocean, taking another life of damage, and lands somewhere in England. We all want a piece of the Count now. Van Helsing attempts to transport to Plymouth, but Dracula cancels that action. Mina tries to use a carriage express to get to Les Hautes so she can take the ship over to Plymouth to pound on the weakened Count, but Dracula cancels that as well. Finally, I use hunter's resolve, taking 4 life points of damage, and land in Plymouth myself. Now it's me against the Count. Now, normally, when I see a creature like Dracula, I would soil my pants. Maybe twice. But it is daylight. Just for starters, I use some garlic, so the Count can't run away. Then I take aim at him with my crucifix. I alternate with a rifle but am not successful. Finally, in the 5th round, I get him with the Crucifix for 3 damage, enough to finish him off. Before he dies, Dracula starts to sing. "I had no luck. I couldn't get any vampires, I couldn't get any minions, all I got were fog, werewolves and bats. I was pressured the whole time."
To be honest, it was a bit anticlimatic. I was expecting Dracula to be a tougher foe. But at least I got a congratulatory kiss from Mina.