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Subject: Things Fall Apart rss

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Tony Chen
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In the year 2006, six years after the creation of BGG, two nations have established themselves as superpowers in the boardgaming world. For six years, the Republic of AmeriTrash and the Eurosnoot Empire have flourished and prospered under a peaceful political climate and open economic trade, effectively supplanting the once lone, unchallanged superpower that is the Traditional Family Kingdom, more commonly known as Candyland.

In a move to solidify its newfound status and flex its political muscle on the boardgaming world stage, RAT created and headed a coalition of nations that share a common ideology: oozing with theme. Looking for protection and support from its "big brother", several nations soon joined the Trashy Union, among them the Role Playing Guild, the COllectible CArd INventor's Empire, and the Federation for Miniature Gaming. Seeing RAT expand its political influence to nearly half the boardgaming world, Emeperor Meeple of EE signed a mutual protection pact with Emperor Napoleon of the Wargaming Empire in an effort to contain Trashy Union's expansionist policy.

The citizens of the aforementioned Traditional Family Kingdom, disillusioned by the fall of their once glorious and mighty nation, took heavily to drinking and drugs. More than half the kingdom's population are addicted to collectible card games, which are imported from COCAINE. To earn enough money to pay for the exorbitant prices COCAINE charges for their collectible card games, many Candylanders work in labor shops set up by FMG and spend no less than 12 hours a day painting miniatures. By November of 2006, Queen Hello Kitty has finally seen enough. Wanting to rid her kingdom from the addiction to the collectible card games, and re-educate her subjects the traditional family values championed by games such as LIFE, UNO, and Tic-Tac-Toe, she passed a law effectively banning any imports from COCAINE to Candyland. This policy outraged COCAINE, whose national economy and prosperity relies heavily on the Candylanders' addiction to their booster packs. Emperor Yugi-Oh denounced Hello Kitty's actions as violation of international law and threatened to "take drastic actions against Candylanders unless a reversal of policy is put into immediate effect by Hello Kitty's government."

Hello Kitty, being the stubborn, feisty feline that she is, refused to back down. To protect COCAINE and FMG's economic interest, President Lord of the Chrome led RAT and the Trashy Union into war against Candyland on the fateful day of November 35th, 2006. Apparently Emperor Yugi-Oh was true to his words and wasn't bluffing at all (not that we believe Hello Kitty would understand what bluffing is). Alarmed by Lord of the Chrome's aggresion, long-time rival Emperor Meeple declared war on the Trashy Union two days later. One week later, and just in time to gain publicity and boost their sales for the Holiday Season, Emperor Napoleon declared war against Republic of AmeriTrash and its puppet states. The leader of RPG, level 56 Tauren Chieftain Mull Stormhoof, found himself involuntarily dragged into the ensuing military conflicts. What started out as a simple economic policy soon turned into a full scale, global conflict. *drum roll* World War III has begun.

Seeing a profit to earn from its status as a potential kingmaker, Party Leader Black Jack of the Communist State Gambling Games auctioned (open bidding, of course! Aren't they communists? What hypocrites!) its military support to both sides. Emperor Meeple won the auction in the end, but at the steep price of eleven thousand geekgold.

Only one nation has remained neutral amidst the chaos, and that is the longest civilization know to geekkind: the Perfect Information Empire. Emperor P-space Complete has adopted an isolationist policy, closing PIE's doors to the outside world. In fact, Emperor P-space Complete has ordered a complete eradication of any record of its past expansionist foreign policy. All pro-abstract-shilling forum posts, ratings, geeklist comments, and reviews are destroyed. No written record remains of the work of the PIE explorers, diplomats, colonists and soldiers. Legend has it that PIE discovered BGG and the art of shilling seventy days before Columbus, envoy of Eurosnoots, ever set foot on Puerto Rico. Some even say that Puerto Rico was briefly a perfect information game before it became the eurosnoot game that we know it as today.

By December, Emperor Meeple has steamrolled across Republic of Ameritrash's puppet states (without eliminating them completely, of course, as is becoming for an Eurosnoot) and is poised to mount a formidable attack on Lord of the Chrome's stronghold, War of the Ring, the highest rated RAT game on BGG. But, just when things are going well, Emperor Meeple decides to betray his ally the GG and invade the Russian Roulette (don't they always?). Only if he'd consulted Emperor Napoleon before taking this bold move, I am sure the latter would've given him some valuable advise. The invasion turned out to be an ill-fated one, as the Russian winter proved to be too brutal for the Eurosnoot soldiers. Pastel camels are frozen to death by the tens of thousands. With no animals to transport their food and supply, Eurosnoot army suffered devastating losses.

But the war rages on--geeklists are created for the brave to wage battles in, ratings are being shilled, accounts are deleted for "improper behavior", flames are posted in threads. Some warriors will be sacrificed, and some will become heroes. The less eloquent are made to look like fools. Only the most eloquent and shrewd of the forum posters (and those with enough time on their hands) will emerge victorious. Which faction will prevail? How will power be distributed in the new boardgaming world? Will General Barnes lead RAT to world domination? or will General Claw win the epic war for the Eurosnoots? Can Candyland restore its lost glories? Only time will tell.
 
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Michael Barnes
United States
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Sweet jesus man, don't you know how VOLATILE posts like this are these days? Some avid Hello Kitty fan is going to be deeply, personally offended by all this.
 
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yegods
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my eyes kind of blurred after the first few paragraphs... was there a point?
 
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Scott B
United States
Redmond
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Very nice. I need more. Don't get distracted now!
 
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Richard Rutten
Netherlands
Nijmegen
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the spunk plus the bomb plus the pump plus the torture instrument times frankie equalling the bang is an exclusive piece of ZTT exploitation
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You don't need eyes to see, you need vision. (mj)
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LOL

Well that's what you get for feeding a Drunken Koala!
 
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Colin Hunter
New Zealand
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Stop the admins removing history from the Wargaming forum.
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nice
 
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Luke Morris
England
Faversham
Kent
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Heh?
Eh?

Meh
 
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Read the rulebook, plan for all contingencies, and…read the rulebook again.
United States
Austin
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Why would I pick a republic of trash or an empire of snoots over a land of candy?

Candy! CANDY, d'ye hear me???
 
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Antonio Chavez
Mexico
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Wow... if I had that kind of free time in my hands, I'd be playing games instead of utterly failing to be funny by feeding the trolls... but different strokes, I guess.
 
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John So-And-So
United States
Fresno
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You and the Cap'n make it hap'n
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Brady, I'm with you. With your agreement, I hereby declare the formation of the Candy Alliance.

Wherever the words 'Eurosnoot' and 'Ameritrash' are uttered, members of the Candy Alliance must brave the hateful stares and bitter words of these fiends, and proudly post the praises of our sugary slavemaster, reminding all geeks of what life, and games, are really all about.

CANDY.
 
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Tony Chen
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The counter attack has begun! General Lore of RAT is charging full out on EE's stronghold, Puerto Rico.
 
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Robert Wesley
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Aberdeen
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"like sitting on...'pins & needles'...things fall apart...it's 'scientific'..." robot

the 'video' of the "song" with this:
#-77 from here: http://www.boardgamegeek.com/thread/68621/page/4

the [b]"Musical Mayhem Maestros" STRIKE!"
 
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John Paul Sodusta
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Santa Barbara
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Hilarious!
 
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