After a lovely evening of incinerating and plundering villages and devouring sheep and virgin sacrifices, I returned to my lair and coiled my tremendous bulk about the lovely, glimmering and towering IRA account. It made for rather lumpy bedding, but I’m allergic to straw. And besides, I like to keep a close watch on my savings.
I had just finished using a fine silver-hilted broadsword to pick bits of virgin and sheep from my teeth and was ready to settle down for a nice long nap, when a rather unpleasant odor made its way to my snout.
“If that’s not dwarf,” I said to myself, “I’ll eat that gold chalice over there. Scratch that—the BRONZE chalice. Let’s not be TOO impulsive.”
I sat for a spell, drumming my talons on an ornate chest full of gems, and waited to see if the dwarf malodor would get stronger. Gradually, other smells wafted my way—a human male wearing chainmail and some plate and a leather-clad woman. Kinky. A greedy little dwarf, a knight and female thief come to raid my hoard, the little beasts! I should’ve found myself a mate long ago, a young stud, to take care of such matters. Maybe someday, I thought, I’ll meet a male I won’t have to kill. All they want to do is take a tumble in the cave and then run off to burn and devour wantonly. They’re too impulsive. They invite trouble.
I sighed, uncoiled myself and tiptoed out of the lair.
I found them trembling in what I like to call the Skeleton Chamber. It’s where I toss my leftovers. The three of them stood back to back, arguing through chattered teeth whether they should give up on the treasure quest or keep searching.
I wasn’t quite sure how to cut in gracefully, so I cleared my throat, a rumbling thunder that shattered the relative quiet and reverberated quite satisfyingly off the Skeleton Chamber walls.
They screamed, of course, and cowered into a corner. I think the knight wet his pants, and dwarf backed his ample heinie into the thief’s dagger. It looked like they were ready to bolt for a doorway, so I figured I’d best nip their retreat in the bud.
“Don’t try to run.” I tried to use a matronly, scolding tone, but I fear it came out more as a bellow. “I’ll just have to barbeque you.”
I pulled my bulk fully into the room and shoved my snout up close to them, which took some willpower, let me tell you, because they stank horribly.
“Let’s play a game, shall we?” I said.
They didn’t answer at first, so I repeated, “SHALL we?”
They nodded quickly with some shouts of “yes, yes!” although all the knight managed was, “abba dabba abba” or something like that.
“I am Drakon. And this is my game. I’ll let one of you snatch some coins from my hoard. The first to amass 10 gold is free to go in peace. You may keep the gold as a gift. The other two will be my bedtime snack. You may, from time to time, call me to a particular location in my dungeon and I will come. If I happen to find one of you on such an occasion, I will send you back here to the beginning and take your gold. You’ll have to start all over again. Have fun!”
The knight quickly made his move opening the door to an adjacent chamber. I could have sworn I’d locked that door. The dwarf took advantage of the knight’s move by quickly bolting through into the room beyond. The thief picked the lock on another door. Soon they were scrambling throughout my dungeon searching for loot and tripping each other at every turn. It’s funny what the survival instinct can do to a good friendship. The thief and dwarf found clever ways to pluck gold from the knight, who, in spite of some clever moves, just couldn’t defend himself against the double-team. Wet drawers and all, the knight danced around rather agilely, teleporting when he could, even using the magic of my dungeon to fly a room to a new location.
The thief was a cunning little thing, I’ll give her that, and not the least bit afraid to jab her former friends in the back. True to her profession, she got most of her loot by snatching it from her cohorts. But never, and I mean NEVER, underestimate the guile of a greedy dwarf. Parting the little buggers from even a sixpence is harder than pulling a sword from a stone, let me tell you. It was the dwarf at one point who summoned me to a room the knight was about to enter and perhaps win the prize I’d offered. Instead, he squawked a cry of terror and hurried off elsewhere.
And so it was that the dwarf emerged the victor in the little contest, at last latching onto the tenth gold piece and earning his freedom. It worked out best for me because, the simple fact is, dwarf just doesn’t taste good to me. The knight was palatable, a bit on the stringy side, but the thief was quite tasty and went well with the wine I had stashed in the hoard chamber.
After that I got a good night’s sleep.
- Last edited Sat Jan 13, 2007 2:48 pm (Total Number of Edits: 3)
- Posted Fri Jan 12, 2007 2:41 pm
County: West Yorkshire
It's not often we get to hear a dragon's point of view. She sounds quite a character.
That was a really cool session report, thanks!