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Subject: Your best Pirate Jokes. rss

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Mark Schipper
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So im in one of those funny moods after a bottle of red wine where i like to tell a joke or two. I had this idea that perhaps you all had great pirate related joke you would like to tell us?

I will start with this one:

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!
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Neil Whyman
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Captain: Where's my buccaneers?
Crew: On the side of your buckin' head.
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Mark Schipper
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OMGoodness that is one of my favourites. A similar one is:

A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. he knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. "oh, i can see you're dressed up as a pirate." the man says. "but where are your buccaneers?" the kid gets really mad, and says "on the sides of my buckin' head!"
 
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Michael Oliver
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A pirate walks into a bar, with a ship's wheel firmly attached to his "Johnson." He walks up to the bartender, and the bartender takes his order, but, before he walks away, asks the pirate about the wheel. The pirate replies, "Arr, it's been drivin' me nuts all day."



Slight variation:

Pirate walks into the same bar later, this time with a paper towel on his head. Before he can even order, the bartender wants to know about the paper towel. The pirate replies, "Arr, I got a BOUNTY on me head."



(And the one in the original post is the one I usually do with those two.)
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Ian Klinck
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck in the front of his pants. The bartender says, "Why do you have that thing in your pants? Isn't it awkward?" The pirate replies, "Arrr... It's drivin' me nuts!"
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Kyle
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You got my favourite in the OP, so I'll settle for lame.

What is a pirates favourite letter?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
You might think it is R, but it is actually the C


So a bowline walks into a bar, and the bartender tells it, we don't serve bowlines, you have to leave.

The bowline comes back later and the bartender says "I told you we don't serve bowlines here, didn't you hear me." The Bowline responds "I'm not a bowline, I'm a frayed not.
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Benj Davis
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We all know that pirates store their treasure by burying it, and then creating elaborate maps for the directions, but where do they store those maps?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
In the arrrchives!
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Brendan Riley
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A grizzled old pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook-hand is sitting with a young swabbie. The swabbie asks "How did you lose your leg?"

The old pirate growls, "A shark ate me leg during a shipwreck near Jamaica. Bit it right off."

"Huh," the swabbie thought for a moment. "What about your hand?"

"Alligator, near Jacksonville Florida. Bit it right off."

"Wow! And what about your eye?"

"Seagull." The old pirate grimaced. "S**t in me eye."

"Dang! You lost your eye from that?"

"Naw, it was the first day after I got me hook."
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Mark O'Reilly
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After chuckling at a few from a Google search... My favourite:


A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
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shumyum
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♒♒♒♒♎♒♒♒♒ sloooowly sinking
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Eddie Meister
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Speaking of pirates, have any of you seen the new pirate movie? It's rated Aarrrrr.
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Froggy McFrogface
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How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?

A buccaneer!
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Doujin games are awesome! I can't read Japanese!
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My favourite pirate joke, and I tell it really well, is about the Pirate Captain who explains how he lost his leg, and his hand, and his eye.

It's a shame it's too long to type out but it's hilarious.
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Benj Davis
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For a thread about pirates, there's an awful lot of ninjas...
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Carl Frodge
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How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
-A buccaneer

Why couldn't the pirate get into the movie?
-It was rated "Arggghh"

Why do Mermaids wear Seashells?
-Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
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John Breckenridge
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Why did the pirate want to talk to the necrophile? Because he was bragging about knowing where the best booty is buried.
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Kyle
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EYE of NiGHT wrote:
My favourite pirate joke, and I tell it really well, is about the Pirate Captain who explains how he lost his leg, and his hand, and his eye.

It's a shame it's too long to type out but it's hilarious.
So a land lubber sees an old pirate, with a hook, a peg leg, and an eye patch and he asks him "How did you lose your leg?"

The Pirate responds "we boarded and spanish ship, and while we took her, it cost me my leg".

The man asks next "how did you lose you hand?".

The Pirate says "it was a viscious duel between me and another captain, he is in Davey Jones' locker, but I lost my hand.

The man then asks "How did you lose your eye?"

The Pirate says "Well we were sailing on clear seas, and I happened to look up and a bird pooped on my face... You see, it was my first day with the hook."
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Doujin games are awesome! I can't read Japanese!
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darthain wrote:
EYE of NiGHT wrote:
My favourite pirate joke, and I tell it really well, is about the Pirate Captain who explains how he lost his leg, and his hand, and his eye.

It's a shame it's too long to type out but it's hilarious.
So a land lubber sees an old pirate, with a hook, a peg leg, and an eye patch and he asks him "How did you lose your leg?"

The Pirate responds "we boarded and spanish ship, and while we took her, it cost me my leg".

The man asks next "how did you lose you hand?".

The Pirate says "it was a viscious duel between me and another captain, he is in Davey Jones' locker, but I lost my hand.

The man then asks "How did you lose your eye?"

The Pirate says "Well we were sailing on clear seas, and I happened to look up and a bird pooped on my face... You see, it was my first day with the hook."
No, mine is much much longer, with more dramatic scenes, volubent dialogue, gestures, and copious accents. It's really vivid, you'd swear you were at sea. Or rather in a bar listening to the sea.
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Robert Wesley
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angry ~"well, did you "C" the 'one' where Papa Smurf took a 'peg-leg' and BEAT the shit outta some Pirate with a RED hat! You wanna "C"-&-"B" that ONE!"
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arrrh ~black 'toque' adorned
 
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Michael Edwards
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A dirty, pegged-legged, hook-handed, one-eyed pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. But this isn't a normal parrot - it's the filthiest parrot you've ever seen - random feather sticking out at odd angles, a plucked patch on it's rear, a crack in it's beak, and red-rimmed eyes.

The bartender sized this sight up, and asks "Where the hell did you get that thing?"

"The Caribbean" says the parrot.


---------------

And here's one I found while searching around:

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat."
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Julius Waller
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True story:

The only real pirate that lived to a ripe old age to enjoy his ill-gotten gains was Surcouf. There is a story that Surcouf once engaged a British ship and successfully conquered it. Being a gentlemanly sort of pirate he invited all the British officers to his dinner table in the evening and spirits loosened up a bit as they spoke of the fight.

One of the British officers exclaimed that whilst the French had of course given the best account this day, it was obvious that they only fought for one thing: money. They, the English, of course fought for honour alone.

Never missing a beat Surcouf replied: "Indeed Sir, each of us fights for what he lacks."

(three edits to correct spelling)
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Billy the Hut
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Two pirates are swabbin' the decks and they take a moment to observe all the seagulls following the ship.

One asks the other; "Do you know why them gulls fly out over the sea?"

"Why is that" replies the mate.

Spoiler (click to reveal)
"Because if they only flew over the bay they'd be bagels"
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Gary H
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What kind of socks do pirates wear?

Spoiler (click to reveal)
Arrrrgyle
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How tall is justice?
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This thread demands some Arrogant Worms.

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