Ian Schofield
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I am at the point of creating my rulebook and hoped a few of you great people could take a look at my Rulebook, and give some sagely advice.
Here is the link: https://www.dropbox.com/s/ei1z6jq7zu638tn/Ravage%20-%20Ruleb...
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Brendan Riley
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It's easier to do if you put it in a live-comment format like Google docs.
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Brad Johnson
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Hi Ian:
Overall, the rulebook looks quite professional and the art is very nice. My comments are focusing on content from the point of view of a first-time reader who opens the box and takes just the rulebook to work to read at lunch. I read a lot of rules, and I believe the rules should be understandable completely on their own without needing to refer to any other game components or player aids or whatever. (I.e. everything should be in the rules, even if it's clarified or duplicated elsewhere.) So my comments reflect that perspective...

1) Phase 1 - Explore the Dungeon: I'm afraid I'm not following the first paragraph here at all. "Nearest playable edge" doesn't seem to be defined. Edge of what? Nearest to what? How do I know if it's playable? The example card shown on the right appears to have black edges on all 4 sides - does that mean it's completely impassable? I don't see any "overlapping tiles" or "arrows" on this example, as referenced. I actually suspect this image is the back of the card, but I'm not sure. I think an anatomy of a dungeon card and/or a diagram of a dungeon layout in progress would go a long way toward explaining these concepts.

2) Room Cards: Once you've assembled the room, what do you do with it? Attach it to the rest of the dungeon somehow, I imagine? Any rules or constraints on how that should be done?

3) Treasure: Regarding the "Wound" type of treasure token, I assume this one is not considered to be an item placed in front of you, but damage your character takes (and then the token is discarded)? Would be beneficial to clarify this. Maybe the tokens could have an indicator on them of exactly which ones are items and which are not?

(Minor editorial - In 2nd paragraph under Treasure, "its" should be "it's" and "infront" should be "in front".)

4) Healing Fountains and Energy Shrines: Would be nice to indicate which is which. (I'm guessing the yellow one is the latter and the reddish one is the former, but the images are in the opposite order from the text, so it's not intuitive.) Would also be nice to show the tokens placed on the card in the image, as an example.

5) Phase 2 - Ave a Looksie: Are trap cards totally self-explanatory, or should there be some kind of explanation here on how to use them, or maybe a reference to some other section of the rules that explains it? Again, an anatomy of Room cards showing both types would go well here.

6) Phase 3 - Monster, Monster: Who decides what actions your monsters take, and in what manner? You? If so, seems like it'd be easy to make them not actually attack you in any way. I didn't see where this is explained anywhere in the rules, although the bit about "having your scent" seems to imply the following rules: a) If the monster is capable of attacking you, attack; and b) If the monster is not capable of attacking you, move toward your character along the shortest possible path. Would be nice to explicitly say that, though.

7) Phase 4 - Letz Smash der Hedz!: I see there is a list of semi-miscellaneous things explained after the end of Phase 6. I would recommend reorganizing these bits so it's clear that the actions to choose from are (as I think it is) a) Move, b) Melee Attack, or c) Ranged Attack. Then the other miscellaneous bits could be gathered together as sub-headings under the actions they apply to (e.g. Energy Tokens and Defence could probably be better organized as sub-headings under Combat). These action explanations could either be moved under Phase 4, or keep them at the end and just put a reference to the "Actions" section in Phase 4 so I know it's coming up later.

8) Phase 5 - Sneaky Gobbo!: Again, a card anatomy of Sneaky Gobbo cards (or just an example of the face of one of them) would be swell here.

9) Phase 6 - Experience: Minor editorial - First sentence is a run-on; comma should be a period. In 2nd sentence, "was" should be "has". Als minor layout issue - Maybe the last sentence shouldn't be split around the illustration?

10) Teef: Minor editorial - Sentence is a run-on; 2nd comma should be a period. Also "them" should be deleted.

11) Energy Points: Minor editorial - 3rd sentence is a run-on; comma should be a period.

12) Movement: It seems like "spaces" and "tiles" are used interchangeably here. I would recommend picking one term and sticking with it consistently. I think "Monsters moving past heroes will be attacked" is meant to be "Monsters moving past heroes will attack"? Also, an illustrated example would be good here.

13) Attack: The last sentence describing adjacent attacks is oddly worded. If you're short on space, this is actually one place I don't think an illustrated example is really needed; just say something like "Characters are adjacent if they are located on spaces (tiles) that are connected orthogonally or diagonally, not separated by a wall." I think this concept is pretty generally understood without needing a picture.

14) Aggro: I assume if you take a monster, you place it at the right end of your row of monsters? Would be nice to clarify this.

15) Ranged Attack: This is cleanly worded with a nice illustration!

16) Modifiers: Minor editorial - Suggest "Placing a Modifier binds
it; it cannot be moved to a different item or card."

17) Additional Actions: How do you get these? I assume some cards you can buy give them to you or something? Maybe a simple reference to an example would help here. Minor editorial - This is a run-on sentence; comma should be a period.

18) Traps: Just to be clear, are there multiple Trap Dice or just one Trap Die that is rolled? Minor editorial - 2nd sentence is a run-on; maybe a semicolon after "possible"?

19) Pit Traps: Is the die roll to check for damage/action loss explained on the card somehow? It's not clear here how you figure out if you lose anything or not. Editorial comments - 1st sentence, semicolon after "token". 2nd sentence, "loose" should be "lose" and "there" should be "their".

20) Slain Monsters: Minor editorial - "whoever" should be "whomever".

21) Solo: "spawn" should be "respawn"?

22) Treachery: 2nd paragraph doesn't really make it clear how the Trachery Tracker card is used, or how it determines victory. Maybe an illustration would help? 3rd paragraph is a run-on sentence. Maybe "Any Trap cards from the Ave a Looksie deck are placed in your hand. These can be played on any player at any time of the game." would work?

That's it! Sorry for the length; all of these comments are meant to be completely constructive, and I hope you find them helpful! Good luck with your game!
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michael brown
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Giving it a quick lookover:

Quote:
collecting their Teef to buy cards from the Sneaky Gobbo! merchant.


The exclamation mark seems superfluous.

Quote:
If somebody just happened to drop dead... well then, let’s check their pockets... did they drop any good loot?


The ellipses also seem superfluous - would you wait all that long in that location?

Quote:
Place a Dungeon card on the nearest playable edge.

Edge of what? the map?

Quote:
If its an item place it infront of you in your inventory

I think you mean in front.

Quote:
If its an item place it infront of you in your inventory , you can use these at any time, and do not require an action to use.

This seems to be two sentences. Add a period instead of a comma. Perhaps I would rewrite like this:

"If it is an item place it in front of you in your inventory. You can use it at any time without taking an action."

Quote:
Healing Fountains & Energy Shrines

you should specifically show which tile is which. (because I don't know)

Quote:
Phase 2 - Ave a Looksie
...
Phase 3 - Monster, Monster


You don't actually tell us what to do during these phases. I would assume that you draw a card from a deck?


I like the experience mechanic. It seems well thought out.


Various words "Aggro", "Bind", etc are specific to mmorpg type games. Some people might not have played them and might not understand the terms.

Quote:
Pit Traps
Place a Pit token this remains in play.


You want a period between token and this - perhaps like this:

"Pit Traps
Place a Pit token. This token remains in play."

Quote:
Any monsters that die in a pit loose there teef and loot in the pit


you mean their, not there.


Quote:
Your Loot consists of:
• Flip over any treasure tokens you own and shuffle the
cards in your hand and allow the player to your right to
select 4 items


This is jarring. Perhaps the following would be better:

Your Loot consists of:
• 4 items chosen at random by the player to your right.



The artwork looks cool, by the way.
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Ian Schofield
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Apologies for that, I have uploaded it to GoogleDrive for you, thank you for taking the time to take a look.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19Ebw4ZLCzft4ge63Y_dMLibV...
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Ian Schofield
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Brad and Michael

Just wanted to quickly say thank you both for looking through this, I shall come back to you both in the next couple of days with the edits you suggested and any answers to your queries. Thank you for the comments about the artwork, I have been developing this game for a while now and I am the designer, artist, graphic designer and rules writer hence its taken me 3 times as long as it should to get to this point.

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Ian Schofield
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Many thanks for going through this I have edited the document again, and hopefully address most of your comments and suggestions below.


Brad Johnson

1) I have included a diagram here which would help.

2) You place it on the nearest playable edge.

3) I have clarified this in the treasure section now.

4) Image added to Document.

5) Yes they are.

6) Clarified in the text now.

7) I have re-organised these and placed aggro under combat

8) Image added to Document.

14) Clarified in the text now.

19) The Pit trap card explains what happens when the card is pulled, these are instructions for what happens after.

22) Image added to Document.

——————-

Michael Brown

I have added an image for the map confusion in Phase 1.
Phase 1 and 2 now tell you to draw a card.

--------
Squares are now referred to as tiles not both as in the previous document.
I have also referred to standard attacks now as Melee Attacks throughout.
 
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Brendan Riley
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I added some comments to the google doc. Generally, I'd suggest that you separate the flavor text from the rules a bit more. To my taste, giving the phases the names you have is a bit awkward -- I'd prefer for a brief flavorful description to start each section, and just call the "Sneaky Gobbo!" phase the "buy" phase, for example. But maybe I'm a stick in the mud.

The art design on the rulebook and the elements is lovely. Good luck as you continue to develop it.
 
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Kenny Tew
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Ian Schofield wrote:
Brad and Michael

Just wanted to quickly say thank you both for looking through this, I shall come back to you both in the next couple of days with the edits you suggested and any answers to your queries. Thank you for the comments about the artwork, I have been developing this game for a while now and I am the designer, artist, graphic designer and rules writer hence its taken me 3 times as long as it should to get to this point.



Impressive work, well done.
 
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Ian Schofield
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wombat929 wrote:
I added some comments to the google doc. Generally, I'd suggest that you separate the flavor text from the rules a bit more. To my taste, giving the phases the names you have is a bit awkward -- I'd prefer for a brief flavorful description to start each section, and just call the "Sneaky Gobbo!" phase the "buy" phase, for example. But maybe I'm a stick in the mud.

The art design on the rulebook and the elements is lovely. Good luck as you continue to develop it.


Huge thanks for going through my rulebook, I have resolved most of the points you brought up, I haven't uploaded those changes yet. Awaiting to hear some more feedback before making any further changes at present.

And thanks for the kind words about the design.
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Brendan Riley
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Glad to help!
 
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Ian Schofield
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Kenny Tew wrote:
Impressive work, well done.

Many thanks Kenny
 
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Ian Schofield
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crampon wrote:
I'd say that you're suggestion was right-on. While not a professional at this, and strictly speaking as a gamer, one thing that really sticks out is the Korny aspect of the text. And this is where Brendan has it right.

One thing that most gamers do, well, I know I do it; is skim the rules, and what I'm looking for is familiarity, ease/understanding of play and whether something 'pops' out at me as being something attractive or maybe some novel mechanics that may be fun => thus: EYECANDY!
And: what this translates into for you is marketability => SALES!

My suggestion to you would be to explain as you go, if you must use the novel/new language, ie "Sneaky Gobbo". My first reaction to this was, 'huh, what the heck is that'? And it wasn't ever explained within the first few paragraphs that I read. Needless to say I quickly became disinterested and stopped reading right then and there. If you had explained that the 'Sneaky Gobbo' was a Minature Reindeer that would eat all Orc Oats, or, better yet":

Sneaky Gobbo = Purchase Phase.... I would know that it had to be something having to do with buying/marketing within the game.

Very Best wishes to your Games success &
Happy Holidays

Many thanks for taking the time to take a look through the rules and at the game, you are the second person to agree on that. I wanted it Orc language quirky but if people don't understand it then its a problem, I shall definitely re-look at the phase names. and Happy Holidays to you.
 
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Ian Schofield
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The rules have gone through some changes and here is the latest set if anyone could take a look, that would be much appreciated https://www.dropbox.com/s/dcw1quhht8l633f/Ravage%20-%20Ruleb...
 
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