Game: Zombies!!! & Zombies 3.5 Expansion
Zombies encountered: the familiar and much prevalent Grey Zombie, the less common but equally dangerous Glow-In-The-Dark Zombie and, making her debut, the confusingly repulsive but well cleavaged Zombie Babe.
8:30 pm. 27 January 2007. Mickleover. Derbyshire. England.
After a fraught day of frozen classrooms inhabited by sullen teenagers in voodoo-black eye shadow reading from text books with ‘bum-hole’, amongst other erudite observations, scrawled across the pages…woe… I made good my escape. One of my trusted contacts had wired me with news of a zombie outbreak in Derbyshire.
“It’s flippin’ anarchy, Jonny!” He’d yelled down the phone. “The dead are freak’n arisen and walking the land…well kind of wobbling really!”
I observed my left eyebrow twitching furiously in the mirror as I shaved. Toilet duties concluded I grabbed my over-night duffel bag and shotgun. Slamming the front door shut behind me I gunned my faithful Fiat Punto down to Andy C’s bunker. A fellow zombie hunter and chorizo comrade. He brought along his remote-controlled Tiger Tank. It was about the size of pit bull.
“Can’t wait to use this little baby!” he announced caressing the turret.
“Is the Panther ready yet?” I asked excitedly.
“Nope.” He replied. I grunted in disappointment and floored the accelerator.
After an unplanned tour of Littleover we finally located Mickleover. It was dark by now. Not wise to go hunting zombies in the dark. After a brief ‘loot’ of the local Bargain Booze we contacted Neil G.
“Where the hell are you? I’ve been waiting on the Town Square for a bleedin’ hour and it isn’t getting any warmer.” He was not best pleased. I blamed Andy C and floored the accelerator.
With all three of us chewing chorizo on the Town Square fountain we were ready, finally, to wreak hell on the living dead. I got to go first followed by Andy C and his Tiger Tank with Neil G bringing up the rear. We were playing the Quick(er) rules but I’d forgot how to set up the tiles so I just shuffled the pack with the Helicopter pad jumbled into the last seven.
First tiles down were all road tiles which twisted and slipped across the table with several interesting routes crawling off in all directions. No supplies and plenty of zombies. Eager to notch up some gloriously bloody kills I began blasting my way south. Cripes, I was the Baron of Carnage! Not one zombie got so much has a finger nail on me. Bang!..Bang!..Bang!...Crimson fountains of brain matter and viscera exploding into the night sky. At one point I distinctly remember pausing to wipe the slowly congealing ghoul blood from my Aviator sun shades when I noticed Neil G across the road from me.
“Looking good!” He had shouted over the cacophony. I remember winking and throwing him a can of Stella.
“No thanks, I’m sticking with the Ruddles.” He’d said and threw the can at a zombie in a leotard.
No accounting for some peoples taste, I mused. Andy C was making good progress to the east. He had converted his remote-controlled Tiger Tank to fire explosive tipped 7.62mm rounds. This it now did with great gusto. Andy C was hysterical with laughter watching his tank trundle through the chaos dropping ghouls one after the other. He should watch is back, I thought. Neil G was the newbie but quickly mastered the deep complexity and cerebral challenge of the games inner strategies and nuances. He blew the heads off every zombie that so much as moaned in his direction. It was like shelling peas only with a military issue shotguns.
The road tiles eventually gave way to an avalanche of building tiles and consequently much needed supplies. I pulled the Police Station and quickly set about the zombies within. Neil G played “I Don’t Think They’re Dead” on me which caused only the mildest spasm of nerves. Andy C then played Claustrophobia on me and I lost 2 bullets and 2 goddamn hearts as I vacated the Police Station. No worries, I thought, I’ll just nip back in and grab the remaining hearts in my next turn. Andy C, following his tank, continued to cause mayhem in the east (which seemed historically appropriate). Neil C’s turn, he played There You Are and strolled through a farcaster appearing in a haze of blue light beside me. He continued on into the Police Station and hoovered up the remaining hearts and bullets within…the swine!
Andy C pulled the Florists and the Hospital while Neil G pulled the Army Depot and Sporting Goods Store. I enjoyed a couple of spawny moments when I pulled the Fire Axe card while in the Fire Station (I nearly wept with joy!) and shortly after I pulled the Skateboard card whilst relieving myself in the doorway of the Skate Shop. I will never be that lucky again in my life. We were all by now sitting pretty on large caches of bullets and hearts. It was now all about the Helicopter Pad.
Neil G momentarily broke our concentration when he announced that cosmetic surgery is all about vanity and little to do with utility. He explained that having an octopuses sucker grafted to his forefinger in order to better collect the bullet and heart tokens from the tiles made more sense to him than, say, having his breasts enlarged. There was a brief uncomfortable silence as we imagined Neil G with breasts and an octopus’s sucker finger. I opened another can of Stella and nodded.
Andy C pulled the Helicopter Pad and placed it, as is our custom, in the most difficult place for all concerned. Neil G was the closest and began his assault but a combination of Brain Cramp and Where Did Everybody Go put his pawn further back than when he started. My assault was thwarted by Neil G playing Don’t Go to Sleep. Andy C was trundling up from the east with his Tiger Tank now a mass of intestines and severed limbs, the barrel just about poking through the gore. Neil G began his assault again with Adrenaline Rush and hacked his way through the horde slipping and sliding on the viscera. “I’m a rats nipple off the helicopter, you fools!” he shouted (newbies…groan). Andy C played Bad Sense of Direction on him and farcast his pawn back to the Town Square. Neil G audibly ground his teeth. My assault now and I cut my way through the horde to two squares away from the damn helicopter. Andy C trundled along and was now visible behind me. Neil G was no longer a contender. I began my assault but was again put to sleep by Neil G and the damnable Don’t Go To Sleep card…the swine!
Making myself comfortable on the thankfully still warm cadavers of two zombies I had just beheaded I was vaguely aware of the sound of a small engine. Like a toy only heavier and stronger. My eyelids drooping I looked up from my gory impromptu bed to see Andy C stroll past remote control in hand. He winked and continued on his way lifting his beloved Tiger Tank into the helicopter and winning the game. I smiled for no reason as I cuddled the slowly decomposing zombie beneath me falling into a deep, deep sleep.