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Subject: Oppositional Defiant child rss

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James Webb Space Telescope in 2018!
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Any advice from child therapists or super-parents out there?

We're starting to research what do do about our 9 year old daughter. "Oppositional defiant" describes her very well - it's way beyond anything usual.

Oppositional defiant disorder
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/oppositional-d...

Much thanks
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fightcitymayor
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Dude, why are you describing me?!

Quote:
Angry and irritable mood:
* Often loses temper
* Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
* Is often angry and resentful

Argumentative and defiant behavior:
* Often argues with adults or people in authority
* Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
* Often deliberately annoys people
* Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Vindictiveness:
* Is often spiteful or vindictive
* Has shown spiteful or vindictive behavior at least twice in the past six months

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Billy McBoatface
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Wow. We have two daughters, one of whom is "difficult." The link you have describes her perfectly. She is also way beyond anything normal, we have seen a therapist with her but she doesn't act up in the therapist's presence so the therapist doesn't have a great picture (IMHO) of what is really going on. I've sent your link to my wife, see what she thinks.

Sorry, no advice. Just thanks for bringing this to my attention.
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Parenting a strong willed child...

I’ve been down that road and what I can share with you is…

Remember, there are no magic bullets. Everyone is going to be an expert and thy’re going to say things like… “All you need to do is provide more structure…” “You’re letting her watch too much TV…” “She’s gluten sensitive.” “You don’t hold her enough.” “You hold her too much.” Don’t let this drive you crazy. You need to be able to tell these “experts” to FOAD.

Take care of yourselves. Parenting these kids is super stressful. Acknowledge this. The better space you are in, the better you will parent. You and your significant other may need to get counseling to help cope with the stress.

Tag team parent. Parenting these kids is exhausting. Make sure you and your partner help each other out.

Don’t blame. Don’t blame each other. Don’t blame the child.

Start reading everything you can on ADHD and ODC. Try the suggestions. If you see improvements then add it to your tool box. If it doesn’t work or things get worse, drop it. Don’t beat your head against a wall. We've ended up with more than 120 books on parenting.

Diet can help. High protein and dense calories first thing in the day (breakfast) usually helps. We found pizza is a perfect food. Try to cut back on the simple sugars. Not just candy, even a lot of fruit can send these kids through the roof.

Have your kid tested for auditory and visual processing. Many school districts will do this free of charge. Part of your child’s defiance may be due to frustration.

Keep a food diary that cross references with mood. We found that our son would go bananas after eating something that was high in artificial colors. If you think you see a correlation, don’t ignore it.’

Find a great psychiatrist. Don’t dismiss the idea of using medication. You want to find a psychiatrist to work with you on meds. Don’t just go with your pediatrician. Often times they don’t have the experience and knowledge base to do a good job. Ask around and see if you can find someone that people rave about.

Good Luck!

Pabs

Edit:

You might want to check into sensory integration issues. If your child complains about clothing tags or the feel of certain cloths don’t just ignore it. Some kids find these thing super irritating and that irritation can lead to oppositional behavior.

We know someone whose child has tinnitus. She was a holy terror but simply having background white noise helped her calm down. Remember if your child has always experienced something, like a ringing in her ears, it will seem normal to them. They will not know to tell you it is bothering them. The same can go for GI irritation.

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Chip Crawford
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wmshub wrote:
Wow. We have two daughters, one of whom is "difficult." The link you have describes her perfectly. She is also way beyond anything normal, we have seen a therapist with her but she doesn't act up in the therapist's presence so the therapist doesn't have a great picture (IMHO) of what is really going on. I've sent your link to my wife, see what she thinks.

Sorry, no advice. Just thanks for bringing this to my attention.


Video the situations to show the therapist.
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I want to add another thing.

One of your biggest jobs will be to help your child survive elementary and middle school with their sense of self intact. Never stop believing in them and never stop loving them. Tell her that you love her every single day. If she gets in trouble a lot she probably feels pretty rotten inside. Everything time she gets something right tell her that you’re proud of her. But don’t lie and don’t be ingenuine about it, these kids are not stupid.

Also help her to find something she thrives on. It might be music, or dance, or a sport, or an art. Start throwing things at the wall until something sticks. It is helpful if it engages her creativity. Also a physically tired kids is a better behaved kid. A sleepy kid… not so much. Our boy hated sleep and he’d get so tired… that was bad.
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wmshub wrote:
Wow. We have two daughters, one of whom is "difficult." The link you have describes her perfectly. She is also way beyond anything normal, we have seen a therapist with her but she doesn't act up in the therapist's presence so the therapist doesn't have a great picture (IMHO) of what is really going on. I've sent your link to my wife, see what she thinks.

Sorry, no advice. Just thanks for bringing this to my attention.


I might start looking for another therapist.
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Billy McBoatface
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Get off my lawn wrote:
wmshub wrote:
Wow. We have two daughters, one of whom is "difficult." The link you have describes her perfectly. She is also way beyond anything normal, we have seen a therapist with her but she doesn't act up in the therapist's presence so the therapist doesn't have a great picture (IMHO) of what is really going on. I've sent your link to my wife, see what she thinks.

Sorry, no advice. Just thanks for bringing this to my attention.


I might start looking for another therapist.

That is something we are looking at.
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Ken Shogren
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Quote:
Angry and irritable mood:

Often loses temper
Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
Is often angry and resentful
Argumentative and defiant behavior:

Often argues with adults or people in authority
Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
Often deliberately annoys people
Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
Vindictiveness:

Is often spiteful or vindictive
Has shown spiteful or vindictive behavior at least twice in the past six months


Many of the things listed above also apply to ADHD. These behaviors show up with ADHD as a coping mechanism for the child. Don't assume ADHD may not be there because the "H" is missing. Hyperactivity can show up as excessive talking/interruptions. Don't dismiss it because your child is bright/capable. ADHD is more common in brighter kids than not. And even if ADHD isn't in play, many of the techniques that help you work with ADHD likely cross over to ODD as well. One statement we learned is that 'in the battle of wills, the child will always win - simply because they will (hopefully) out live you'.

The definitive thing that can be said about children is that what ails them manifests in them very, very differently then is often the case in adults.

Consider multiple angles. Seeking help is essential - if not for them, then at least for you. Seeking help is the sign of a caring parent - not one that is giving up.
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Dave, or "Phineas" or "Tolstoy" or,
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I can only offer 3rd-person experience. My son has a teen boy that he has been friends with for years. But prior to that, this same boy, in younger years, was a terror to all. Often just punching fellow students for no reason. He was my son's least favorite person. His parents of course tried a bunch of stuff, but what ended up working was when they found out that he had some form of Asperger's. (I assume there is more than one form?)

That led to a couple things, but the key of which were diet changes. Apparently he (and I think his mom) got tested somehow and were diagnosed with celiac disease. They cut out gluten, and I think dairy as well for some reason, and behold! The teen we know today. 180 degree turn around. No drugs, just diet changes. I believe he graduated his high school tied for highest GPA or something. And, he ended up being the favorite friend of my son.

So, that may not be much help. But that description of behaviors sounds an awful lot like this boy, before he got diagnosed and his diet changed.
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Ken
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Been there, done this.

I have a set of twins, one with ADHD and very close to being ODD. We did individual and group thereby, and my wife and I tried many self researched approaches.

Every child is unique and different. We asked everyone we could for advice, before realizing that none of it would work exactly right for our child. We came up with our own approach for our son that has had positive results. But it's ongoing work. Right now, he's in a great place, which means our whole family is in a great place. And that's an important piece. A child like this can drain the entire family until a strategy is developed. Make sure you are taking case of yourselves while dealing with all of this. You'll need the energy.

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James Webb Space Telescope in 2018!
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Thanks for all the great replies so far. Many of the things you've said ring true.
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