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Subject: Proofreading Rules rss

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Jochen Eisenhuth
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Hey Geeks,

it would be awesome if you could have a look at my rules:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sWLOfBdUf2BhUh6q2pyLT7eo...

Feel free to comment here or directly in the Google.doc file. Note that the layout is not final. I'm mostly interested if the rules are easy to understand and if the grammar is correct.

Thanks for your time!
 
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when I get home

Except when I get home at midnight that's less likely to happen
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George P.E., PMP, DM
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You asked for it

I just did a quick scan for the comments below, and I only looked at the first half, or 10 pages. There are a few minor grammatical issues (like hyphenating and commas after 'however' and 'therefore') that I don't want to do unless I have the document to markup with editorial authorization (too big of a PITA to write out all of the comments here).

I do think this is written very well, especially for an early draft.


* I'm not sure if casual gamers will understand, "outplay," but bluffing is a common term.

* This sentence, "Heroes are killed, if they receive a number of wounds that equal to their amount of hit points," should be:

Heroes are killed if they receive a number of wounds that are equal to their amount of hit points. [no comma and add 'are']

or

Heroes are killed if they receive a number of wounds equal to their amount of hit points.

Also, instead of, "amount of hit points," you can say, "total hit points," or, "current hit point amount."

* This may seem silly, but this statement is a bit ambiguous:
"Hero Icon
Action card can be used only by the hero portrayed here.

You say, "here," and there's a picture of a card right next to that statement. They may think, "here," means what's on that card printed right next to the rule. I think you should be clear and say,
"An action card can only be used by the hero portrayed on that card."

* For tree areas, you say, "Your heroes can hide behind these if you wish." Do you want to give a reason why they would, like, "Your heroes can hide behind trees if you wish to improve their defense?"

* "Items grant as many victory points as indicated by the number of banners depicted here." Again, I would say, "on the card," instead of, "here."

* "Stop hero selection as soon as both players have reached the maximum amount of heroes per player that you agreed on."
Actually, for proper English it should be, "Stop hero selection as soon as both players have reached the maximum amount of heroes per player upon which you agreed." So you don't end your sentence with a preposition.

* Yellow, orange, and cyan letters on white can be difficult for some people to read.

* The top of the 8th page has some spacing issues around the picture.

* Top of page 8 you have:
"2. Red player has to pass because none of her action cards may be played in action phase 1."
and
"3. Has to pass."

I think you should write out step 3 as a complete sentence like you did step 2 to remove all ambiguity. Confused players become frustrated players.

Similar comments for steps 5, 7, and 8.

* Eighth page still, "6. Having another action card that may be played in phase 2, red player activates her Assassin by playing “Shuriken Strike”." I would add the bold, red comma.

* Eighth page still, "9. Finally, blue player may activate his Gladiator in phase 3 by playing “Execute”." I would add the bold, red comma.

* "A hero is activated whenever you play an action card showing that hero’s hero icon in the bottom left corner. At the beginning of the activation, check defense modifiers and status effects." I'd get rid of the highlighted, redundant word and add the comma in the second sentence.

* This sentence needs ", and" added, or split it into two full sentences.
"Any heroes with the same base color are considered to be friendly any heroes with another base color are considered to be enemies!"

* "By selecting attack cards you decide where your hero’s attacks are going to hit. This table shows the effects, that hits are going to have on the 3 different hitzones..." I'd delete the highlighted comma.


* A general question, are their color blind people who have a problem resolving red vs blue? I know about red vs green.
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Tomello Visello
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GeorgeMo wrote:
* A general question, are their color blind people who have a problem resolving red vs blue? I know about red vs green.

I see a curious error "there".

 
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George P.E., PMP, DM
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TVis wrote:
GeorgeMo wrote:
* A general question, are their color blind people who have a problem resolving red vs blue? I know about red vs green.

I see a curious error "there".



Doh!

But the question still stands.
 
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Jochen Eisenhuth
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Thanks for the suggestions, this is very helpful. I was afraid that the rules are going to be ripped apart as it's the second rulebook I ever wrote and English is not my native language, so it's a nice surprise that you found them rather well written, thanks.

Sorry I think I forgot to give you editorial authorization blush, I changed that now so feel free to comment in the document as well. Let me know if it works/doesn't work as I'm quite new to Google.docs (and about to start to value it's merits )

I have one more question: do you think 20 pages of rules are ok for a medium weight skirmish combat game? I could cut some, but on the expense of examples and graphics and I'm not sure if I want to do this.

On the color-topic: People of the forums here reminded me, when I uploaded the first drafts of my cards to care for colorblind players and thats's why I put the black crosses in the red circles. I would be interested too if I need a similair symbol for differentiating green and blue.

Thanks again!











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Chordcommander wrote:

On the color-topic: People of the forums here reminded me, when I uploaded the first drafts of my cards to care for colorblind players and thats's why I put the black crosses in the red circles. I would be interested too if I need a similair symbol for differentiating green and blue.


Differentiate every color.
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George P.E., PMP, DM
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Your YT video is very impressive for this stage of your game design. The only recommendation I have for it is to explicitly state at the beginning that it's a board game. You do at the end, but if anyone is confused or thinks it's a digital game that looks like a board game they might not watch that long.
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Jochen Eisenhuth
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Thanks. I put a lot of effort in this as this was the very first video I ever made . It's a good thing that the slightly trashy feel of the video fits the style of the game.
On the colors: There are 4 cards in the game using blue circles, but they additionally have the trait: Interrupt (these can be played during opponent activations), so I hope this is fine. Maybe I'll try to come up with a symbol as well though.
 
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