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Subject: I've been smoking behind my wife's back rss

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Kevin Anthony-Duricko
United States
Pennsylvania
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Got it off my chest, doesn't make me feel any better though. I quit a while back due to the fact that we're having a baby soon (I did it for her, really. I knew it was the right thing to do but never actually wanted to quit).

Was doing well for a couple months, but started smoking again. Now I do it at work but I haven't told her. I chew gum before I get home so she doesn't get the smell. I was off today, so I couldn't smoke but I've been craving one like all hell and it's ruined my day off. Hasn't helped at all that I've been unable to share this with her.
As far as she's aware I quit months ago.
Feeling miserable.
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Boaty McBoatface
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Well stop setting yourself on fire.
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Bryan Thunkd
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Florence
MA
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Either fess up or quit again. Or both.

Honestly, it's a lot more noticeable than you think. Simply chewing gum isn't usually enough to hide that you've been smoking. She's likely to smell it on your clothes or in your hair. Pregnant women are often more sensitive to it too. It's only a matter of time until she catches on to it.

She'll probably be more upset that you lied to her than that you started again. My advice is to tell her you slipped up and that you're going to try to quit again.

Stop lying to your wife.
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Andy Andersen
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Michigan
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Unless she is undead, she knows. It reeks.
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Wendell
United States
Yellow Springs
Ohio
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I know smokers who do NOT smell of cigarettes, so it is possible Kevin's wife isn't aware.

I'd fess up and try again to quit. Good luck.
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Tony C
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Definitely fess up and try to quit - better all around. Some secrets are fine but this isn't one of them.
And as I learned when I was sneaking cigarettes as a teenager - just because I couldn't smell it, didn't mean others couldn't. (spoiler - they did.)

You can do it. It's hard, but for her part, she should be supportive of your efforts (and hopefully not get mad when you tell her - it's tough to kick an addiction, especially in a stressful time.)
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Matt Brown
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Okemos
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Continuing to smoke without her knowing isn't going to end well.
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Walt
United States
Orange County
California
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You think your wife doesn't know. Bryan and Andy are right: it reeks. The smoke gets into your clothes, and can be smelled by a non-smoker just passing the laundry hamper.

I've known exactly one smoker who was careful enough that my clothes didn't reek from their smoke.

Just stop. Once you get over the hump, you'll be amazed at how much better the world tastes and smells. Smoking is pretty much prohibited in public in California. Restaurants and bars were worried about the effect on their business: the effect was that people could taste what they were paying for again.

You might try nicotine patches or gum to get past the psychological additiction before you tackle the physical addiction.
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Kelsey Rinella
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Rochester
New York
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Orangemoose wrote:
Unless she is undead, she knows. It reeks.


She knows he's around smoke, but it's friggin' Ireland, that's not exactly clear evidence he's been smoking.

But, yes, the obviously good advice is stop smoking behind your wife's back. If you never wanted to quit, my understanding is that it's very unlikely you'll be successful. So, either try to figure out what you get out of smoking and replace it with something else, such that you then do want to quit, or be honest that you haven't and try to work with your wife to set limits you and she can both live with.

Putting two and two together, though, I wonder whether what you're actually considering is divorce or separation. If that's on your mind, I believe there are a number of folks on the board who have had experiences they take to have been informative; think about what you want to ask.

If, instead, you're asking how can you be honest with a wife whom you love, who seems to be asking all sorts of things of you which sound perfectly reasonable when she asks but which turn out to be a lot harder than you expected, and maybe are causing you to use some destructive coping mechanisms and feel resentful, well, I'm an American liberal. So my suggestion is to accept yourself, admit that fatherhood is wonderful but also harder than you thought in some ways which grind down your reserves of good cheer and resolve, and ask for help. She might hear that more generously if you've taken an opportunity to let her take a day off and catch up on sleep or go out with friends she's likely been neglecting. You might hear from others that it would be good to head down the pub and blow off some steam, or visit a shooting range and blast the crap out of something. But I visited Ireland once, a few decades back, and unless the roads have changed mightily I don't recommend going for a daringly speedy drive.
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Benj Davis
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Summer Hill
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wifwendell wrote:
I know smokers who do NOT smell of cigarettes...



I wonder how they do that. Smoke naked and shower after every cigarette, I suppose.
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"Every time someone lights a Christmas tree before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer."
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Jlerpy wrote:
wifwendell wrote:
I know smokers who do NOT smell of cigarettes...



I wonder how they do that. Smoke naked and shower after every cigarette, I suppose.


Or, perhaps, they use a smoking jacket?

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Benj Davis
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claymore_57 wrote:
Jlerpy wrote:
wifwendell wrote:
I know smokers who do NOT smell of cigarettes...



I wonder how they do that. Smoke naked and shower after every cigarette, I suppose.


Or, perhaps, they use a smoking jacket?




Maybe.

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Walt
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California
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Jlerpy wrote:

I hate it when that happens!
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Pieter
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My ex's parents both stopped smoking at some point, but her mother started again, behind everybody's back. She thought we didn't know. We pretended we didn't know, because every time she was with us, three times per evening she would say "I think the dog really needs to get out" and took him for a walk. Didn't matter what the weather was. That was awesome.
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Chris Robbins
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I stopped for the baby who was 5 months from arrival in 1992. I may have lit up 10 smokes (including little cigars) outside only during the next year or two.

My sense of smell had suffered, but you can be assured I knew when someone else was a smoker after a short time since quitting. That was a rebirth to know I didn't stink that badly.
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Howell
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Well I been watchin' while you been coughin, I've been drinking life while you've been nauseous, and so I drink to health while you kill yourself and I got just one thing that I can offer... Go on and save yourself and take it out on me
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Get a disposable e-cig and use it as a crutch only for special occassions. Or try nicotine gum or lozenges. Those should satisfy the craving without the smoke. It's not perfect, but it's better for sure.
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